South Asian (she/hers), Largely media and music focused. Media analyst by trade. This blog is a mix of whatever my messy mind latches on to.

It's also an opportunity for us as viewers to self-reflect and analyze how we feel about what we see onscreen and where our feelings are coming from. A lot of the time, more often than people realize or want to acknowledge, our feelings about art and media are less rooted in something the art or media is depicting and more rooted in our own mentality, biases, traumas etc. And that doesn't mean those feelings are invalid but it is always worth examining why we are having those feelings. I am so grateful to Richard Gadd for giving me the opportunity to do so.

And tbh on a more personal level, it bothers me what people say that Alby has little interiority because that just doesn't feel true to me. As someone who comes from a very similar background as Alby, I can recognize all these little details that showcase who Alby is and why he is the way he is. Taking the hero complex into account and factoring in what Alby says about facing homophobic violence at his old school allows us to see that Alby has just as much interiority as any other character. It's just that it's not explicit because a) Niall is viewing Alby through a lens of idealism where Alby offers him a way out and the chance to accept himself and b) on a more Doylist level, the story simply isn't about him. I completely understand wanting him to have had more screentime and more obvious insight but I personally maintain that we got what was needed for the purpose of the story.

We don't actually know that much about Mona, Ava, Lori or any of the others. But if you actually look for it, you can see the subtleties that explain things about who Alby is and why he does the things he does.

But Ruben declared them brothers. But not typical brothers. What we do see of Ruben right from the start is he feels something for Niall but he is likely as conflicted as Niall is about those feelings. If not even more so. It's probably easier for Ruben to label these feelings as that of brotherhood. And in some ways that is what they are. But they also aren't. And labelling them as simply "brothers" doesn't feel enough. And what does Ruben know of familial relationships and the feelings he has for Niall? He can't begin to untangle all those feelings. His entire understanding of family and love is built upon what he saw with his father and his mother. Is it any surprise that he can't understand what he feels for Niall?

And maybe Niall wanted to die. Maybe that's why he kept making jokes about using his father sgian dubh on himself (he would later use it on Ruben instead). And maybe that's why it was Niall who led Ruben into that barn. But maybe it wasn't so much that Niall wanted to die as much as it was he knew he would. Maybe he simply knew that death was the only way he would be free. And maybe Ruben knew that too. And yet he was scared. Because to die by one's own hand is not thing but to die by the hand of the person you love and fear the most is another.

And Ruben knew that he would never be free or Niall unless one of them died but he also had to be the one to make that decision because he always saw Niall as belonging to him. The only way Niall was allowed to die is if Ruben decided it was right. But life has no meaning for Ruben without Niall. And even though it was Niall that dug the knife (his father's knife) into Ruben, Ruben got to decide that he wanted to die by the wound Niall inflicted on him as he fought for his own life.

Maybe things could have been different for both of them if they had made different choices years ago. If they had let go of their anger. Accepted themselves and the traumas they carried. If they could have just been honest with each other and themselves. If they had been able to let each other go. It didn't have to end the way that it did. It could have been different. But at the same time, it did end this way. It ended this way because they made that choice a long time ago.

It's a show that makes people uncomfortable in ways they can't easily box in. It's a show that truly pushes the boundaries of what we deem acceptable. And beyond that, it's a show without star power. The biggest name in it is Jamie Bell and even he isn't a "celebrity" the way most Hollywood stars are. I do believe he and Stuart and Mitchell all deserved their flowers. I believe Richard deserved at least a nomination for his writing. I believe everyone who was submitted for this show deserved at least a nomination from the directors to the makeup artist. But as I said, I'm not surprised.

Watching Half Man recontextualized Baby Reindeer for me. As well deserved as Richard Gadd sweeping the awards had been then, I could see many people even at the time hadn't really understood the show. And this was proven with all the drama in the aftermath. But Baby Reindeer was still easier to understand than Half Man.

Right from the start, Niall is given no say in Ruben sharing a bedroom with him. And then he comes in and Ruben is already making changes and ropes him into helping. And then Lori and Maura pressure Niall into getting Ruben to sit his exams. Niall makes it clear he doesn't want to do it but he's constantly pushed (and there is a lot to be said for Maura's behaviour during the scene but not right now) until he concedes. And then he fills Ruben's test himself because Ruben didn't bother preparing for it, came in late and then stormed out.

At university, when Ruben trashes the kitchen and Niall is left to clean it up. This is after Ruben has spat on Joanna and Niall tried to make excuses for his bad behaviour. That kitchen scene is later paralleled with him and Mona in episode 5.

And then later with the trial, he's put into the impossible situation of having to choose telling the truth or perjuring himself to keep Ruben from going to prison. And he's being pressured on both sides. He's got Maura, Lori and Ruben constantly guilting him and pushing him to commit a very serious crime so Ruben wouldn't have to go to prison for a vicious assault. And Joanna, rightfully I would argue, recognizes the lack of accountability and the injustice of it and pushes Niall to tell the truth. And then Niall himself is constantly conflicted because of course he doesn't want Ruben to go to prison but he also recognizes what Ruben did. And he sees the softer side of Ruben (and that side is not fake) and he decides to lie. But then he actually sees the damage Ruben caused to Alby for himself and the gravity of it hits him for the first time. And he chooses to tell the truth. And as a result, Alby is able to get the justice he deserves but Ruben blames him and threatens him as he's pulled away. And his relationship with Lori changes and he is blamed by Maura. And he carries the guilt and questions himself. Somehow, Ruben's wrongdoing became his responsibility to manage just as Ruben needing to take that test had. And he tortured himself over it for years and he was blamed for not lying.

And then Niall is shown to calm Ruben down when he's raging outside and yelling at a neighbour. When Ruben comes into his and Ava's home late at night, he asks Ruben if he's taken his meds.

Even in that prison scene, Niall is trying to get Ruben to acknowledge the ways that Ruben has hurt him. Ways that Niall himself doesn't seem to fully understand. But Ruben refuses. And then Niall takes care of him when Ruben finally feels safe enough to talk about what his father did to him. And Ruben deserved to be taken care of in that moment but so did Niall. And Niall didn't get that.