perfect mess

even though the day before our appointment, 

i kind of wanted to die disappear?

is there a better way to describe the emptiness that fills my head 

because my brain's joined my heartbeat, and they're grieving together inside my chest 

like somebody has died already, while i'm screaming, not yet, not yet! 

i think it lessens the weight of the words, 

i think it sounds less terrifying, 

i think it helps the people who love me sleep better, 

i think it gives me more time to wipe and refocus my blurry eyes and search 

for reasons to make it past September 3rd

so i can tell my psychiatrist that even though some days 

i feel like a goodbye with legs wearing a white flag for a skirt, 

i survive and that means i'm doing alright, for whatever it's worth. 

And the moments will tell our stories as if the sky was crying the tears of joy and the air was dancing for the first time in days as they were holding each other together in those moments forever on those moments

Even if we part ways and leave each other at bay, I'll have you remembered and of our time together

Life wasn't easy even for you,

Time was flying making us old

things were fading, freezing and cold,

How much i love you if i could tell you,

How will you react? Will i ever have you?

I was an idiot, i always was, looking at you was like looking at star.

Afraid of dark i always was but then there were you, the brightest star.

Till, sailing like a comet, I twirl in space with no gravity to crush me, just my impulsivity to blitz infinity, and lick the edge of eternity even if it tastes bitter to me.

No hero rising just somebody flying pass the bright side of the moon back to a cold body laying in a bedroom dying all alone.