The Iron Cage

1. Travel even if you don’t have to.

I started questioning whether I could be with you and you could be with me when I needed to hide my cigarette. Are your loving glances worth it when everytime I ask if we could get a beer, you look at me as if getting a beer is synonymous to dropping out of school. School, that thing we had in common and that thing we both value.

Remember how we thought we were perfect for each other? We were on top of the batch. We were the leaders whom everyone followed. We had a great future ahead of us. But what does that future mean? More pressure? More responsibilities? More opportunities to kill the joy out of us and follow by what others think are right?

See, I only feel truly alive when I’m both drunk and smoked. For a big portion of my life I became obsessed with pleasing others and becoming the perfect child. I was smart, I was active, I was the one to be, but I wasn’t happy.

I’m not asking you to destroy your future because that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m not asking you to become a social robot just so you could give me a good life because I never wanted you to live for me. I wanted you to live with me. 

- Asks “What the fuck is sexy?”

- Wears confidence like the sleeves that never covered her arms

- Says ..l.. to the bullies who call her a pig

- Does not get defeated by comments that negate her self-worth because fat girl

- is on Dean’s List

- loves herself more than her peer’s opinions

- is a pretty face

- has a loving family

- knows that she is fat and loves herself for that

Pinaikot natin ang ating mga sarili nang sabihin nating ang kawalan ng moral ng bawa’t isa ay hindi hadlang sa pagkakaibigang sinubok na ng pera at pag-aaral. Hindi nga tuwid ang ating sekswalidad ngunit ang relasyong meron tayo ay lumitaw na mas baluktot pa sa ahas na siyang iyong inanyo.

Inintindi ko ang lahat ng kamalian mo at inihulma kong tila maskara ang mga palad ko nang sa tingin mo ay wala ka nang mukhang maihaharap sa ibang tao. Ikinalungkot ko ang ideyang ngayong nasa huling taon na ako sa unibersidad ay kakailanganin ko nang lumisan. Mas nakakalungkot pa pala nang aking napagtanto na ako pa itong naiwan imbes na ako ang mang-iwan.

Baliw ba akong mag-isip na sa kabila ng mga bagay na isinakripisyo ko para sa’yo, papahalagan mo ako gaya ng pagpapahalaga ko sa’yo? O kahit na kapritcho?

Sa tuwing hindi ka sumasama sa pagyayaya ko ay hindi mo kailangang magsinungaling dahil uunawain ko ang rason mo. Sa dinami-daming sandali na hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag ko ay naghihintay ako. Kapag nakikita kitang may kasamang iba ay nasasaktan ako pero tinitiis ko. Nakakagawa ka ng oras para sa kanila pero kahit pagsagot lang sa tawag at mensahe ko’y hindi mo magawa. Kahit na “K” man iyan, tatanggapin ko. Ipagpapalagay ko pang ang K na yun ay nangangahulugang ikaw pa din ay aking

Kaibigan. Kapatid. Karamay.

Hindi na pala, dahil kung sa akin ay kaibigan ang laging una, sa’yo nama’y iba na. Kalibugan na lang. Kakatihan. Kalandian. Mahal mo siya, pero mali ba na minsan bigyan mo din ng panahon ang mga taong unang nagmahal sa’yo sa mahabang panahon?

Pinilit kong lumapit sa’yo. Iginiit kong hukayin ang mga magagandang ala-ala nating dalawa kahit na pilit mo silang tinatabunan ng kasinungalingan at kawalan mo ng pakialam. Natakot ako na ikaw na ang susunod sa mahabang pila ng mga kaibigang wala nang pag-ibig sa akin.

Matatanda na tayo

Pero naaalala mo?

Parang kailan lang nung nasa kalsada tayo

Kung saan tayo nagtatawanan sa ating laro

Ang nakakalungkot lang noon

Tayo’y naghihiwalay pagsapit ng dapithapon.

Pero matatanda na tayo

Mapapatawad mo ba ako?

Parang kailan lang nung nasa bahay tayo

Kung saan mo sinabi kung ano ang totoo

Masayang pagkakaibigan pala’y masisira ko

Di ko kayang suklian ang nararamdaman mo.

Poet’s Note:

No, I am not a fan of Mcdo. But of unrequited love and of relationships that kept hurting.

Haan nak paturugen a nakamata

Ta haan nakon mamati kenka

Nu ti kunam nga iyabog ko ti ayat ko

Dikan to pay mayyangin iti bagyo

Ammok idin nga awan maganab ko kenka

- “sex is not a living wage”

- “sex is not a package deal”

- “sex is not something to close a deal”

- “timeless conversation”

- i still feel sad, and i still feel empty, and i still feel unwanted, and i still feel...

- 16. i dont know what to do

16. i dont know what to do

16. i dont know what to do

I wanted to write only for the people

who matter. And you are not one of them, so as part of my

Cleaning process I am writing about you kind who

filled my life with 99.9% insults and made the .1% an opportunity

to learn that I was not the forgiving person I thought

I was.

You try hard to discredit The Greek Goddess of Wisdom

and show people how I can not 

live up to my name. If my 1.0000 general average can not prove

that I am at least as wise as you think of yourself,

then did you know that Athena is the Goddess of Battle

Strategies, too?

In the times that you challenged me, who won?

Me.

You are under my shadow

but do not take that as recourse to justify

so I can R.I.P.

I memorized too much -- meaningless -- words

to prepare me for my death

I am the phoenix, reborn with fire

But too late, I realized

I was drowning...

Poet’s Note:

I want to be a mermaid, I can never be. I want to swim through my tears, breath through them, and live by them.

My mother told me that when I was little, I cried everytime. The problem is, I have cried too much back then. The problem is, I can not cry now.

I did not sleep last night. A whole month of depression intensified by just one text message broke me to pieces far more than the number of words I wrote for that paper. I vomitted and my heart was thumping so loud it kept me wide awake.

I did not have the courage to lay down on my bed. I tried once, and I felt like I was drowning.

I did not have the courage to discern what I wanted, and to admit to myself that I was pushing my will towards something I am not really sure of. I am two steps away, and I have gone 23 steps forward.

Can I back out? Can I quit?

Do yourself a favor– REGRET NOTHING.

Regret not

The time you waited under the rain. He might not have made it on time, but that was the time you realized he would not make it at all.

The money spent for the tasteless ice cream. Much like the resources you exhausted chasing after the boy who sweettalks, but whose words turned out to be meaningless.

The bridges burnt by treachery. He might have been your friend and you might have been his friend, still the truth is that he loved himself better than he loved the friendship.

The bruises on your shoulders. The grip that was too tight you felt like his was an iron hand, unmoving, unfaltering; and you, powerful, strong as you emerged separated.

The scar on your left cheek. The one that keeps reminding you to watch out where his hands might land the next time you argue. The moment you realized he was stupid. That you, even more stupid if you choose to stay inside his cold, steel embrace.

The day you called God names. Calling Him Bitch, Douchebag, Cunt, is about as important as calling Him your savior.

Who you are. You are unique. You are a mixture of your own decisions. Limitations. Failures. Successes. We are but ingredients in the cooking pot. We are but words in the dictionary. We are jumbled up and no two of us are exactly the same.

I am not trying to say that this is your destiny; in now way am I trying to convey that this life is all set out for you.

I am not the girl in the movies.

I can’t be the nerd

I don’t have the boobs

I neither dance, cheer, act, nor sing

I am not the simple-girl-who-was-loved-by-the-special-boy kind of student.

No. Certainly. I am not the girl in the movies, and I am not THE girl.

I am not the girl who broke a boy

Not my photo on his wallet

Not the one he cursed but caressed

Not the person he would kill and kiss.

If a love song plays, it isn’t me he wanted to see, because I am not the girl who destroyed his playlist. Not the one the songs keep reminding him off. When his ipod reeks of quotes about embrace, it is not my body he imagined reaching for. When his bed seemed too big for him, it isn’t me he’d wish to be with, so we can fill the empty spaces with sweat and sweat and sweat while our bodies rocked back and forth.

I am not the girl who destroyed a relationship

Not a threat to anyone

Never someone he kept turning around for

Not a person one would cheat for.

I have seen too many couples that seemed to me the most inverse of all inverses in the universe. The ugly girl and the pretty boy; the dominant girl and the submissive boy; the girl with riches and the boy with brains; the whore and the priest. I have seen enough of them to know that judging them is not being opinionated; it is being desperate. I have judged enough to know that judging them would make them stronger, and me, weaker.

I am not the girl who has it all

Not the one with the body, nor with the face

Not the person who demands respect

Not someone others would be jealous of

Nobody’s eyes followed me as I walk along the pavement. When the days get too hot on summer days that I am forced to expose parts of me, nobody ached to touch my skin. During the rare moments when I choose to behave accordingly believing that attitude can capture the heart, I remember the phrase, “Love at first sight.” I am pretty sure nobody falls in love with attitude at first sight. I am pretty sure I am not pretty enough to make someone love me at first glance. I am pretty sure I am not enough.

But maybe, if I am not THE girl

I can be THE woman

Strong, humble, not needing

The butterfly inside me, waiting to emerge.

Maybe it takes too long for my soul to form into a concrete space, so that when he tries to get to the pit of me it’s not only flesh he’ll end up feeling, but a spirit, a personality. So that when we decide to conquer our passion, it’s not only flesh on flesh, thrusts upon thrusts; but also pain and pleasure, symbol of two bodies united in fire, emblem of him and I, of two worlds colliding until the moment the Big Bang comes.

There are times when I’d wish I can fly

So that when I fall

I would not need anyone

Pula Hindi, asul Pero itim ba yun? Dilaw yata Pero pula, pula iyon. Sigurado ako.

Pula.Kulay ng damit mo nang nagtapat ako Nobyembre noon, naaalala mo? Yolanda. Walang pasok. Bagyo. Karangalang ipinagmamalaki'y aking nilagok Tinanong kita, “Anong naramdaman mo nang sinabi kong gusto kita?” Sabi mo, “Ipinagpapasalamat ko.”

Asul. Puso, katawan, at sarili ko'y handog sa altar mo Buo, nagbabaga't nag-a-apoy para sa’yo Dalisay, ikaw ang unang makakatikim, makakagalaw Ngunit anong ginawa mo? Dinurog, idinura, sinira sa iisang hataw Binale-wala halaga ng lahat ng bigay sa'yo At anupa't anong sinukli mo?

Yelo. Walang sigla, puro pangmamata

Dagat. Alat ng pagkalugod mong halatang-halata Wala kang sinabi bagaman nararamdaman ko

Ang puso mo'y nag-a-asul sa lamig ng pagtingin mo

Itim.

Blangko, walang laman, ni oo ni hindi

Bakante, walang saysay, kaligayahang nag-alisan

Hungkag, walang katuturan, ni pag-asa’y kalaban

Wala na nga, mundong ito’y walang kabuluhan

Dahil lang pag-ibig ni paghanga mo’y nasa kawalan

Dilaw. Kulay ng lasong sa aki'y pinangsasakal mo Naghihirap, naghihikahos, nagdurusa sa piling mo Ano pa bang gusto mo?

Nagsikap ako para pansinin mo

Nag-aral nang mabuti, nagpapayat, nagpaganda, nagpa-lahat lahat na

Pero pinili mong tignan anong hindi ako

Hindi ka nakontento, talagang itinukso mo

Na ako’y abnoy, abnoy, abnoy, P-Noy Na ako'y tanga, tanga, tanga, walang alam gawin Abnoy, tanga nga palang ika'y aking mahalin.

Pula. Na naman. Sigurado ako.

Kulay ng puso ko, buhay para sa’yo

Kahit iyong tapakan, ibasura, maliitin o laitin Ayos lang, basta ba ang martyr na ito’y iyong ibigin

Pula, Asul, Itim, Dilaw, o kahit ano pang kulay

Pula pa din talaga ang magpapatunay Na ang pag-ibig, sakripisyo ko'y walang papantay.

Ngunit pula. Pula iyon. Pa-ulit-ulit na pula. Kulay ng poot at galit, patuloy na kinikimkim Kulay ng pagmamahal mo sa babaeng 'di ka maatim Ibinasura, inihulog, ginawa sa'yo ang ginawa mo sa’kin Ikaw pa tong nagalit nang tinangka kitang pulutin Pula. Kulay ng dugo't sugat na di maglalaho Tangina niya, tangina ka, tangina mo...

Quick happiness fades away the fastest.

7 months of being with the organization didn't prepare me for what's to come. Everything is quite a blur now, really. The unrequitted love, the laughter on the GAs, the endless prodworks, the funny pranks... how can they be so distant after just a few months?

The two brothers I loved the most now have an affiliation of their own. The guy who I thought can be my knight turned out to be an asshole who liked the person I hated better than me. The occasional flashes of anger and pain when someone who wasn't there when we did all the work questions how much I can sacrifice for the org. The times I had to eat dinner on Fridays in the dorm because unlike before, we now feel detached with one another as the GA adjourns. And the nights I had to sleep feeling incomplete, and the nights I didn't sleep, just because of the org.

This year is supposed to be the year where everything is perfect. I was supposed to be happy with the opportunity to lead the org that I thought I loved. But I'm not. I figured I didn't love Namnama, afterall. I loved the people in it, and now those people are slowly leaving the org.