He’d hex himself bald before he’d ever say it out loud, but there were some days Sirius ended fighting back tears for no apparent reason. It tormented him.
Days he was especially cruel. Days he fumed and shut down and did something so like her he wanted to crawl out of his own skin.
He supposed it was deserved though. Causing hurt to those around him to mute his own, didn’t make him a very good person.
Arguing with James, shooting glares across the Great Hall at his brother’s friends, getting into a duel over something stupid— It all proved more or less that broken glass could never be mended the same.
“Sirius?”, Shit, he’d been quiet far too long hadn’t he? He kept his head still where it lay on Remus’ chest, maybe he could pretend to be sleeping, “What are you thinking about?”.
Despite himself, Sirius’ body stiffened, tucked away into Remus’ side, hoping he would just drop it.
“Pads?”, Remus’ hand wound into his hair, stroking gently at his scalp, “I know you’re not asleep”.
“Well I want to be, and you’re not really helping”, Sirius said far too sharply.
Remus’ hand stilled, and Sirius felt the long sigh he let out under his cheek. Regret clawed at his chest.
“I didn’t mean to..“, he trailed off when the silence had drawn out, “I’m just—I dunno” what was he supposed to say? I’m sorry for being like this?
He looked up at Remus’ face. Sirius could tell he was irritated, which was fair enough. He hadn’t done anything to deserve getting snapped at.
So why had he? Even after everything, why did he still feel like he was under attack? Like he had to protect himself?
“D’you think.. There’s something wrong with me?”, Sirius was glad they were in the dark, “Sometimes I feel like everything is out to get me. But then I open my eyes and I’ve done something shitty for nothing”. Merlin he was horrible at explaining things.
“Does that make sense?”, He murmured when Remus did not respond.
“Yeah, I think so”, he finally answered, then he lifted Sirius’ chin with his fingers towards him and Sirius prayed he couldn’t feel how his face was heating up, “But I want you to know, you could’ve just told me this,”
“Right here, you’re as safe as it gets,” Remus’ words bounced around the walls of his head, “Okay?”, his thumb started to slowly glide along Sirius’ jaw.
Safe. Like such a thing exists in this world, said a cynical voice in the background, though it did sound suspiciously faint.
So for once Sirius decided to ignore it, and instead he only nodded his head.
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