darling it's better down where it's wetter

I knew you had to have a character flaw - not watching enough rom coms is something that’s easily fixable, though, don’t worry. I feel like Gwen and I need to steal you during sleepovers again like we did when we were little to catch you up to speed. Normal couple fights might help, though I can’t particularly see those happening. Things are very good for us right now, very good. Cassie is a lot of fun on dates, too! It’s just a different sort of fun - museums versus outings, that sort of thing. WHAT IF SHE ONLY LOVES UNLOVABLE PEOPLE, ZAC?! WHAT IF THAT’S WHY SHE’S WITH JER IN THE FIRST PLACE? I’M SCARED BUT EXCITED, WE’LL CRACK THIS CASE. You can just be beautiful and talented and let people come to you, too! You can’t expect me to believe no one’s tried to put the moves on you, I’m not buying it.

That’s not a character flaw, that’s you pawning me off on Gavin instead of letting me hang out with you and Gwen growing up! I mean, you let me sometimes but not enough, if I fell behind that’s on you. Yeah, okay, don’t  start sounding like Trevor and Melanie there -- the not fighting thing really didn’t work for them, they seem like they’re spontaneously combusting now. Hey, how come you never tried to set me up with Cassie? I’m offended now, you planned so many fake weddings for me and Gwen but not even a single fake-date with her? THEN I’LL MAKE MYSELF REALLY AWFUL TOO AS BAIT AND WE CAN TRICK HER AND LURE HER IN? Nope, not a one! This dude is dateless, sorry, you’re winning.

Not me! I’m gonna pass school anyway, no one ever really flunks of out Auradon Prep, do they? And if I did, my dad wouldn’t care, I’d find a job, and everything would be fine anyway - people take this school stuff way too seriously. And detentions are fun! It’s like extra time to hang with the crew. I honestly don’t even know, I haven’t watched Auradonian Idol since like season two, but I hear they raised the entry age to 18 lately so we’ll see someone on there soon enough probably! There’s a baby pool? I want in on the odds! What’s the popular vote for the number right now? Oh, the Lost Boys theme song is just our Lost Boys chant but then we add a drop and start with some EDM music, it’s awesome! I’d let you hear it sometime but you have to join to know it, it’s one of those top secret LB things. Beast, I didn’t think I’d count you among the many that took prom too seriously! Does everyone just get uncool when they grow up?

School’s not all bad, you learn stuff to be better at your job and make more money, or to keep your kingdom safe. I’ve totally tried to pay attention just in case Atlantica realized my brother is terrible and they want me to take the throne instead. Who’s been giving you detention? When I had it, we had to be silent and do homework. If we breathed wrong we got yelled at. Yeah, there’s a baby pool, but it’s about you, it doesn’t count. You could like, stop having babies on purpose to make sure you get all the money, that wouldn’t be fair. Like 5 I think? They would have guessed more but Melanie’s kind of small, her body might give up after that many babies. That sounds like a lot more work than I expected from the Lost Boys, actually. Are mermen allowed in the Lost Boys? Or like, non-Neverland natives? It never seemed like the club for me, but I do wanna hear that song. I’m not taking it seriously, I’m just going and chilling by myself, but it’s important to Zoe and she’s important to me.

Doing weird stuff with glitter beats doing weird stuff without glitter! But who cares what teachers think? Except Grumpy, because getting a smiley face from him is like getting a Yes from Simon on Auradonian Idol, but otherwise teachers kinda stink and should be treated like all smelly grown ups. That…is really weird and kinda makes me hope I have daughters someday to see the Girls Never Get Bored phenomenon all for myself. So American Pie as background noise? I usually use epic soundtracks as my background noise - Hank made us a Lost Boys theme song that’s totally jamming! - but I’ll give it a whirl. Eh. I don’t know. Things change, Prince Zac - and besides, think how epic it would be to have all that prom buildup and have everyone excepting it and…nothing! The prank of he century, some might say.

Don’t most people care what teachers think? I mean, I don’t care as much as a sneaky brown-noser or anything, but I care enough to want to pass school and not have very many detentions. Is that show still on? I lost track after winner number like, seven, but I keep waiting for the day when one of our classmates competes and everybody goes nuts. I’m sure you’ll have daughters? You and Melanie seem like the type to have a bunch of kids, Blake started a betting ring on the number ages ago. Really? What does your theme song sound like? Um... sure, I guess, but I can’t see your girlfriend really thinking it was very funny, and isn’t prom about you and her and not what everyone else thinks? I mean, my sister asked for a private promposal and everything, but Tim’s still doing something to make it special for her.

Is it dumb that sometimes I think I had to go through that first awful trial to really appreciate the potential of Tim? Because that seems like the sort of line that’s only okay in a rom com and not in real life, but I’m happy now, with TIm, and that should be what matters, so I guess that was all a really roundabout way of saying “Thank you! I’m happy with my choices”. No, that’s what makes me forgetting Casson - Massie? - even worse, is that I have double dated with them! In my head Mason and Madison are still such a unit, I suppose, but wow. I’ll keep you up to date on any girls begging for a Zac escort, don’t worry. OR MAYBE VICTORIA IS AN EVIL GENIUS WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT JEREMY IS AWFUL AND SNATCHED ATLANTICA RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES! NO WAY, THIS IS A FAMILY JOB, ZAC! IF IT’S NOT ME AND YOU INVESTIGATING, THEN WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING WITH OUR LIVES? What’s crazy about thinking I’d be the last one of us in a relationship?! A relationship for Jeremy matters the most, and you’re louder than me, thus more noticeable by wanna be daters! 

I think that’s the kind of thing people still feel in real life, but only really talk about with people they really like and trust? But what do I know, I don’t watch nearly enough rom coms. Maybe if you guys ever have normal couple fights they won’t seem like a big deal now, though? Because you’ll know he really is good for you even if he’s not perfect, or something. Hey, makes sense; I bet Gwen and Amelia are a lot more fun on the double date front anyway, no offense to your other friend. MAYBE? I DON’T KNOW, I’M SURE WE CAN CHARM VICTORIA INTO LOVING US? WE’RE LOVEABLE, WAY MORE LOVEABLE THAN JER! FINE, LET’S DO THIS, WE’LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT IN NO TIME. But I’m also lazy and I’d have to do the wooing! You just have to be beautiful and talented -- check and check! -- and people will come to you.

I can tryyyyyyyyy but it’s not like an on or off button, Zac. Maybe I should just stay away from all boys that aren’t Tim, since he’s the least likely to ever trigger emo!Zoe mode ever again - that sounds like a good plan, right? I don’t have any friend desperate for a date - awkwardly, I was about to suggest you take Cassie before I remembered she kind of has a boyfriend, but Madison’s single? If you want? Please, as if I could ever take weird pictures; they’d be adorable and well worth preserving. TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE HE’S READY TO TAKE ATLANTICA? THE TIME IS COMIGN FOR HIS CORONATION AFTER ALL, WHO WANTS ONE OF THOSE BY THEMSELVES? I’LL ONLY TRACK HER DOWN IF YOU GO WITH ME. I never imagined you’d be the last one of us to have a relationship, actually, but I’m glad it doesn’t upset you. It just means no girls here are good enough for you, which I’ve always known.

I mean, that’s not an awful idea; Tim’s a good dude, you could have done a lot worse for yourself. And you already did once, so now you know better, right? Good work on that one, Zo. Have you not gone on any double dates with Tim and Cassie and Mason? That seems like the kinda thing you would wanna do. Madison probably has a whole cheer  army to go to the dance with, but if she passes anything through your weird girl grapevine about wanting someone to ask her, lemme know. OR MAYBE HE HAS LIKE A GRINCH SIZED HEART AND SHE’S HIS ROMANTIC CINDY LOU WHO, THE ONLY PERSON THAT HE LIKES? MAYBE HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER,, OR MAYBE HE JUST WANTS A QUEEN TO DO ALL THE WORK FOR HIM, THAT’S A BRILLIANT THEORY. WHY DO I HAVE TO GO WITH YOU? TAKE TIM OR GWEN AND JUST TELL ME ABOUT IT LATER! Really? As long as you thought it was Jeremy instead, that’s okay, but if you thought you were going to be last sorry, sis, you’re crazy. There are some that are good enough, I’m sure! I’m just not super feeling it right now.

First of all, good on Zoe and Gwen for recognizing the brilliance of glitter. Second, it’s GLITTER! Why would it matter if it’s hard to get off, it’s beautiful! I think Melanie’s fun, for the most part, and Gracie’s okay; otherwise, let’s just say a gang called the Lost Girls would never make it as long as the Lost Boys have without running out of stuff to do. American Pie’s added to the list, then, but I don’t watch movies that often so I’ll get to it when I get to it. Suuuure, that’s gonna happen.

I don’t wanna walk around wearing it, it’s itchy and it makes my teachers think I’ve been doing weird stuff during free period, I bet. I’ve grown up around girls, believe me, even if the stuff they’re doing seems boring, they don’t think it is. Gwen and Zoe have never seemed bored in their entire lives. Everyone always says that and then they talk about having stuff on as background noise all the time, it’s not the kind of movie you need to pay a lot of attention to. Is it not gonna happen? It seems like the kind of thing you guys would be really into.

Nope! The song I was singing was just about rain, I added the glitter part myself, but it makes it more fun, I think. Some people think girls are fun? That’s so sad, I didn’t know people were so misguided. Other than Melanie, girls are all kind of the same and keep you from having fun more often than not, dances or no dances…..and no, I haven’t seen American Pie, why? I don’t care about getting in, I don’t have to worry about that till I’m way older, it’s just silly how much people care about this instead of anything important, you know? Have fun chilling. It’s better than what everyone else is doing. 

Glitter’s so hard to get off, bro. I walked in on one of Zoe and Gwen’s art projects as a kid and I got the brunt of it and I found it in my bed for like three weeks afterward. Well, suit yourself, but if you don’t think girls are fun you probably haven’t done certain things with them. Or met ones like Gwen and Amelia and Flora and Maya. You should just watch it before prom happens, it explains a lot about guy culture. Okay, but I get to make fun of you next year when you’re all dumb about going with Melanie, deal?

That’s exactly why I came back, just for you! You’re welcome - I know Jeremy’s already more than what anyone should have to deal with, sorry to have given you a scare there. I’m sure all the dateless tourney dudes and the dateless cheerleaders will comingle at the ball quickly enough and become temporarily un-single, and either way you’re going to have a great time! If you do decide to promposal anyone at all and you don’t want photographic evidence, let me know ahead of time, because my camera finger is faster than a trigger finger when it senses something spectacular coming. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WE DON’T EVEN HAVE PROOF THAT THEY’RE TOGETHER. All we have is Jeremy’s word to go off of, which isn’t worth much; it’d be so ridiculous if he lied about it for some reason. And, well, he talks to girls, which might give him a head start; that’s sooo not on the same level as wondering about lollipops.

Way to make a guy feel special, Zo! It’s a lot nicer having you back to normal-ish, though, can you try never to go into emo Zoe mode again? I mean, that’s kind of how I did things for New Years and it really didn’t turn out so bad, so I’m not going to complain if it’s just a group hang. Who knows, though; do you know anyone who really wants a date that doesn’t have one? I’m not heartless, after all. Nah, if I’m going to go big, you can take the pictures; I reserve the right to steal them out of your room and lock them up if they’re weird, though. WHY WOULD HE MAKE HER UP, THOUGH? WE GOTTA TRACK HER DOWN AND ASK. JUST BE LIKE, ARE YOU GONNA BE MY SISTER? He’s not ugly, even if we’re better looking. I guess it’s not impossible to imagine, it’s still just weird.