More Organized Chaos

Accepting I can’t do things and I want to not even be around again. Unless I take a shit customer service job no one even wants to give me a chance.

I ended up falling back into old destructive habits.

Nearly put my relationship in jeopardy.

Been trying to deal with this for 7 years on my own and it clearly is not working. I hoped that just giving it time and finding someone who actually genuinely cares about me would heal a lot of it, but (un)surprisingly, three and a half years of trauma takes a toll.

Doesn’t help that no one has gotten back with me about anything I applied for yet either.

I might say that I'm over my " I drink just to get drunk" phase

but here I am.

Bic Pen Blue has returned.

I'm anxious as fuck, stressed out, tired, but the perfectionist in me is staying up until god knows what fucking hour to get these projects to where I need them to be.

Anxiety both motivates me and stresses me out to the point where I can't be productive at all.

I can't explain how I work to other people though.

And no matter how many times I try and ask for hard deadlines for projects, it always ends with her telling me "whenever it's ready, but call if you have questions."

I guess if it comes down to it, I'll pester for a deadline until I get something.

I can't hold myself accountable for motivation anymore. I stuck with running two times a week for two weeks and now I'm down to so far nothing for two weeks straight...

Maybe it’s because I saw people from work.