meet me in the afterglow

Even thinking about it now left her with a hot, bubbling pit at the bottom of her stomach. Enough to burn away some of her guilt. Though it would never be enough, knowing that she was the reason someone else’s journey had ended.

No one explicitly blamed her. Bryony could still see it in their eyes though. If she hadn’t led him on, if she had been more up front, if she’s tried harder to talk to him … but these things were on him as much as they were on her, so she wasn’t about to bury herself in deeds never done.

There was one person she felt safe to confide in fully, only one who had been by her side throughout their time in the Villa. As luck would have it, Bryony’s problems spilled out his way, and he’d ended up in the same rocky boat as her.

When Lily snapped up Nicky at the recoupling, it sent everyone into a loop, probably more than when Rafi announced he was coupling with Bryony. Either way, the two longest standing couples were just torn apart. Bryony wasn’t sorry about it.

The mood was sombre that evening. It was hard to pretend that Elladine hadn’t announced a tearful goodbye, laying it on the reasoning that if she didn’t want to be with Nicky, she didn’t want to be there at all.

If Bryony could understand anything, she understood that.

Nicky found Bryony like he always did. She was in the kitchen, overlooking the garden. Just setting his sights on her lifted him high, made him feel like he was floating on air. The least he could do back for her was make her feel all right, so like usual, he had his shoulder at the ready, but he didn’t feel like she’d need it to cry on. Not tonight anyway.

“Weird night,” he said, coming up behind her during one of her rare moments alone.

She smiled up at him. It was the first time all night he’d seen the fire back in her eyes. Despite her obviously trying to get on and enjoy life beyond what she couldn’t control, Nicky saw his own guilt mirrored within her.

“How are you coping?” Nicky asked, coming up close enough to snake his arm around her shoulders. In a friendly way, of course. It was always in a friendly way.

That smile strained into a grimace. She rolled her eyes and said, “Weirdly, I’m fine. I feel bad that the others left, but - I mean, I’m still here? And for how long? At the very most we’ve got less than a week until the final. I’m going to sound like a major bitch, but I want to live my best life, you know?”

“And you should,” he replied. With a smile, Nicky wrapped her in his arms. He held her close, his excuse being that she was his friend and she’d been through a lot. Sure, she’d just said she was fine…

She’d always felt so good in his arms. He ran his fingers through her hair, the smell of her shampoo making him feel calm like it always did. He could have breathed her in all night.

Because he liked the smell of roses, though. Nothing else to it. He did have to admit he’d never paid much attention to the smell of flowers before Bryony, never noticed how sweet and romantic the blossom could be. Sure, sure, he knew the cliche and the tropes around roses, but it wasn’t until Bryony that he understood the reasons behind that.

A rose by any other name really would not smell as sweet.

“Surprised you two never coupled up.”

Nicky was brought back to reality. He hadn’t realised how small the world had become as he held Bry. When he held her, she became the only thing that mattered; the world smelt like her, it felt like her, and … well, it could do with tasting like her, too. His mouth watered as he let his grip on her loosen, but neither of them pulled away fully.

It was Bill who’d brought them back to the Villa, his gruff voice laced with reality as always.

Bryony recovered before Nicky. She rolled her eyes at Bill, telling him, “Sisterzoned, mate. Don’t make it weird.”

Bill was getting a beer from the fridge, and he threw them both an incredulous look while handing them out a bottle each.

“Listen, you both know better than to get me started,” Bill said, coming up to the kitchen counter on the other side of them. He opened his beer and leant against the countertop towards them to deep dive, “and boy can I get started on this.”

His grin grew as Nicky and Bryony shared a troubled look. Nicky kept his arm around her. For support.

“I like you and Elladine as much as anyone,” Bill went on, “and Tai’s a good guy and I don’t want to see him hurt, but come on … why are you both still here after your partners left?”

“As ever, Bill, I’m not looking to debate with you something that -”

Bill cut him off. “You don’t want to talk about it because then you’ll have to admit it.”

One glance at Bryony and Nicky’s heart started to beat like the hammering of a drum. Her cheeks had a pink glow that wasn’t there before. Suddenly his palms were very sweaty.

“There’s nothing to admit, Bill,” Bryony said with a furrowed brow and a hostile tone.

Taking a swig of his beer, Bill merely grinned again like the little shit he was.

“Ah, come on, Bry,” Nicky said, his hand running down her arm until it fell into her hand. He laced his fingers in with hers, his thumb caressing over the back of her hand, encouraging her to drop it. “Bill’s just looking to wind us up. He’s not serious.”

With a gentle tug of her hand, Nicky pulled Bryony away. Bill called to them as they left, saying, “I may not always be serious, but I’m serious about this! Think about it!”

The steps down to the fire pit were just ahead. That’s where Nicky imagined he’d be taking her, but for some reason, the thought of them being exposed like that, in view of the whole garden, Nicky didn’t want it. He just wanted to be alone, to get some peace.

With Bryony at his side, he veered them into the Villa. “Roof terrace?” He asked.

“May as well,” she replied, wrapping herself around his arm far more than was probably friendly. No wonder Bill thought there was stuff going on between them when they were like this, but it didn’t mean anything besides them being comfortable with one another…

Sure, Nicky wouldn’t hold Seb’s hand like that, but … Nah, there was no way that Bryony saw him as anything more than her best friend. He couldn’t afford to put feelings where there was risk. Friendzoned dudes were always the worst, and he didn’t want to be one of those whiny guys who resented every guy in Bry’s life, who only listened to her and spent time with her in the hopes she’d one day sleep with him.

He loved Bryony, and she was worth so much more than that. She was his friend first and his best friend foremost (just don’t tell Seb). He would kiss her though.

Oh, whoa, where did that thought come from?

Sure, sure, she was beautiful, but they were on Love Island, everyone here was beautiful. Maybe he was just missing Elladine…

His stomach knotted as her face bubbled to the front of his mind. If anyone was beautiful, it was Elladine, and she’d stolen his heart the moment she’d strolled out the Villa. Bry hadn’t been too long after, but his mind was already made up on keeping things friendly with the other girls. He liked Elladine, and he wanted to see it through.

Despite his insistence that Bryony wasn’t anything more than a friend, that he was her shoulder to cry on, that they were purely platonic (even pulling out the sister card to prove his point), there was still a lot of excitement there. Maybe more than he felt with Elladine towards the end.

He liked the spicy smell of Elladine next to him in the mornings, but there was something about that first hint of rose that really woke him up.

Bryony took the lead when they reached the top of the stairs, her hand still laced in his. As they exited out onto the terrace, she spun under his arm like a ballerina, but without half the grace. It put the smile back onto his face.

Bryony sat with her legs tucked up on the bench next to her and Nicky slotted himself into her side, letting her lean up into him, her head resting on his chest like they wanted to prove Bill right. He felt content.

Not for a while did either of them say anything; Nicky didn’t think himself capable anymore. Words were there, scratching at the back of his throat, but nothing came to and he didn’t know why.

She was there, in his arms. Just the two of them. It was good enough. Better than good, more than enough.

“Nicky…” Bryony drew his name out like she was unsure of tackling what was to come out next, with wariness and uncertainty, but a steady resilience. Like she was doing what needed to be done. “Why didn’t you leave with Elladine?”

The words were still caught in his throat. It hadn’t felt this tight even when Elladine announced she was leaving, or when Lily said his name over Tai’s. He had to say something though. For some reason, he knew that his excuse of wanting to enjoy his time while they still had it was going to fall short.

Excuse.

That was the first time he ever called it that. That is what it was, he realised now. Accepted it. His words were an excuse, so he could stay, so he wouldn’t have to pack his bags and make some grand romantic gesture for someone he … someone …

“...Why didn’t you leave with Tai?” He asked, not ready to deal with the burning in his chest, the rising panic within him.

“I told you, I was never that into him like that,” she said, voice firm, and he knew it was true. She’d been nothing but honest the whole time, especially to him, making sure he always knew that the other guys in here just weren’t her type, that they just didn’t get her like he did, that they really all were good mates, but it was a struggle to see them as anything more than that. “He always liked me more than I liked him, which sucked, but it is what it is. I am sorry he’s gone, but it wasn’t right for me to leave, not when I have the chance to explore something new here.”

Nicky nodded, knowing he’d agree with it all. He’d heard it before anyway. He’d heard it so many times in so many different ways. He’d only asked so he could stall answering her back.

Bryony wasn’t getting that memo. She wasn’t letting him back away, wasn’t letting him hide behind the flimsy excuse any longer.

“Nicky,” she said again, shuffling on the bench so that they were face to face. “I know you don’t want to leave your friends, but what more is there for you here if Elladine isn’t here? We came to Love Island to find something real … If you found that connection with Elladine, why are you still here?”

The flecks of every shade of brown in her eyes glistened as she looked at him; he could make out each cut of colour. If she’d let him, he’d count them all, but he knew he didn’t have that time. Not anymore.

The walls he put up were being hammered down, and what was on the other side? A world of uncertainty, though he wished and hoped for sunny skies.

“Bry,” he said, trying not to let his voice waver. “… I dunno, I guess I’m like you. I don’t feel like I’ve done everything that I came here to do.”

She raised a brow, and pressed for more. “What else is there for you to do, Nicky?”

One thing he couldn’t do was look away from her. He was being held hostage by a moment; the precipice of change right in front of him, if he only dared to let it be.

“I just … I don’t want to go, Bryony. What more is there?” He asked, unable to stop himself from caressing her face. His fingertips brushed her cheek, her skin as soft as the petals of the rose.

In return, Bryony swept his dreads gently back from his face. “You tell me, Nicky.”

The rising pulse of his heart drove him to raise his voice, the pitch a strain higher than normal. “What do you want me to say? I should be with the person I love and care about the most, right?” Nicky said. “That’s where I should be, who I should be with.”

“... So why didn't you leave?”

The moment of change was right here. This was where it all came to, the point of no return, the pinnacle, the peak, in a single question as easy to brush off as a loose strand of hair. Should Nicky repeat himself, laying on the excuse another time, keeping the door closed and the walls high? Or was it time to admit that he wasn’t being honest with everyone, with Bryony, not even with himself?

Unfaltering, Nicky told her, “I didn’t leave because I don't need to go anywhere. Bryony…”

He sat up, on his knees, his hands snaking to the sides of her face, holding her like he never wanted to let go, knowing if he did, that it could be the last time he would ever have her close.

His words choked at the back of his throat again, but this time it didn’t matter. He no longer needed words, but silence wasn’t going to be enough.

Nicky kissed her. Her soft lips melted onto his like they belonged there.

“All I want is right here,” he said, voice low like it had melted with the kiss. It came out husky, but he’d never felt so clear in his whole life. “I want you, Bryony. I didn’t leave because I couldn’t deal with leaving you. I want this, I want us. I - I love you.” With all the determination and assurance in the world, he said it again, “I love you, Bry.”

Bryony kissed him back, nearly knocking them both off the bench in her eagerness. She wrapped her arms around him and it shattered the few bricks that remained. This was on the other side of that wall, not uncertainty, but warmth, and softness, and everything he had told himself he didn’t need.

He needed it now. Wanted it like he’d never wanted anything before.

“Nicky, I think I love you, too. No,” she added the last part hard, her face creasing in certainty before it broke with softness again, her gentle eyes locking with his. “I know I do. I love you, too. You’re the reason I’m still here. I don’t want to be anywhere that isn’t with you.”