my little take on calebs return because i'm too much of a baby to not have cried a lot more over it. hurt/comfort, mentions of grief, no pronouns used for reader
there’s a ringing in your ears, loud and as unsteady as the heart beating inside your chest like a drum. both of which are somewhere between too uncomfortable to be a dream and the start of a nightmare in the making. if you could think straight, calm down only a little bit, you’d have the thought to pinch yourself to wake you or tell you how real this all is. that it isn’t just your mind playing tricks on you and caleb really is right in front of you, alive and well and not going to disappear when - if - you wake up.
it continues as you go through the motions of gathering your things from the fleets barracks and follow him to his car where he helps you inside with a kind and familiar smile, one you know is meant to help calm you, until the sound makes your head ache and you reach out for calebs hand on the center console that separates you, hoping that feeling him will help ground you. it does and doesn’t. because yes, you know the warmth seeping into your palm from his soft skin, it’s your caleb who looks back at you with violet eyes that were engraved into your very soul many years ago, but for so long you’ve known you would never seen them again, never feel him again, and find it hard to quell the mix of shock that those things aren’t true any longer and the grief of losing him that has held you tightly in it’s claws since the explosion.
his mouth moves but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. it’s not until you feel his hand envelop yours and at the sound of your name from his lips that the ringing finally starts to lessen and his voice breaks through. “just hold on a little longer okay? we’re almost home.”
home. you haven’t had a home you two shared together in so long. no place to return to where there would be reminders he had been there too, that he would be coming back. you’d thought you never would again.
your tongue feels too heavy in your mouth and makes it hard to reply so you don’t say a word and instead take the sliver of reprieve he had given you from your head and heart ache to try to make sense of any of this, to tell yourself this isn’t a dream or a mirage and that from now on, each day you wake up, he’ll still be here with you.
caleb survived. this whole time he’s been alive while you mourned at his grave to a point where you thought the pain of it might swallow you whole and that regret had become a permanent part of you knowing you would never get the chance to tell him how you really feel for him, to do all the things you hadn’t let yourself before. there’s so many questions sitting at the back of your throat and the bottom of your heart, so many things you don’t know how to begin to process; a clash of undeniable happiness, the healing of wounds and the way they start to bleed again until the point of pain and confusion.
your motions are little more than robotic as you get out of the car and walk behind him into the place he had called home but couldn’t be more unfamiliar to you. when you see how dark it is, barren of things you’d have thought he’d still own, you wonder how unfamiliar it might be to him too.
standing only a few feet from the door that had closed automatically behind you, you hold your bag of things close to your chest while caleb turns on the lights. like they are the only things grounding you and keeping you from crumbling into a million tiny pieces but you don’t know how long they’ll be able to keep you together.
“go ahead and pick a room pipsqueak,” he says, setting his keys down on the kitchen counter that looks like maybe it’s never been used before but when he notices you haven’t moved from the front entryway, his tone quickly changes. “hey,” soft and comforting but it does nothing to help you right now. “what's wrong?”
clutching your bag tighter till the lumps and straps of it could imprint themselves on your skin through your clothes, you meet his worried gaze and swallow the heaviness weighing down your words. “caleb.. i..” your voice is shaky at best, a perfect symbol for the feelings swirling inside you like a tempest. “i just can’t believe you're here.. alive.”
he closes the distance between you in a few long strides and reaches out for you, cupping your cheek in his palm. he’s warm, so warm, his hand calloused and large like you had remembered it. like you worried you might forget one day when so much time had passed without him. “i’m here,” a promise said with so much certainty. “and i’m not going anywhere ever again.”
tears prick at the corners of your eyes, a start of the release of the tremendous storm from within you finally manifesting into something tangible, something that you would have even less control over now that it’s pouring out of you in unruly waves and a downpour that first looks like a like drizzle. a few tears quickly turn into dozens more that caleb wouldn’t be able to catch or stop. not now. it’s consuming you, helping you to speak but with no chance to think or process your words before they’re tumbling out of your mouth and your body quickly follows suit.
“why caleb - why didn’t you come find me sooner?” dropping your bag, it lands on the tips of your toes the same moment your balled up fist meets calebs chest. you’re a sobbing mess in the matter of moments, looking at him through teary vision and speaking with so much pain behind your words you feel the ache of them reverberate back into your chest, ready to take you under and drown you in them. “would i have ever known if i haven’t snuck into the fleet? or would you have just left me to mourn over you forever while you got to play colonel?!”
he looks as afflicted as you feel but still in control of his emotions, more than you could possibly try to muster right now. “it’s more complicated than that. i had to join the fleet and i couldn’t contact you - couldn’t bear to put you through that pain again.”
“you don’t know anything about my pain caleb!” you spit the words like venom and you can see in his expression, in the way his hand on your face twitches, how much they affect him. “you have no idea how many times i wished for this all to be a bad dream.. to wake up and have you still be with me but instead woke up to the agony of you very much being dead. you have no idea how many times i went to your grave and could barely stand to leave because it’s as close to you as i thought i was ever going to be!” you try to push away from him, using your hand on his chest to shove him away and your other to remove his touch from your face. he doesn’t budge so easily, instead wrapping an arm around your waist to bring you closer and continuing to wipe your tears. “let me go!”
“no,” he replies, so full of understanding and care and you don’t know if it’s making it better or worse. he couldn’t possibly let you go, doesn’t think it’s within his strength to do so. it never has been before. his chest has always hurt when you’d cry and being the one to bring you to tears is what he loathes the most but it would never stop him from trying to comfort you or wiping away your tears. “not right now. not when you need me.”
“ha!” it's a pitiful and angry sound, a perfect mirror to how you feel about yourself right now. “where were you all these months i needed you then?! when i was crying just like this because i thought i’d never get to see you again?” you try again to get away from him, you can’t breathe or think straight, can’t do anything but crumble in the face of this storm but caleb doesn’t let you go far. doesn’t let you drown. “how can you so easily come back and act like i haven’t spent every moment in pain over the fact i thought you were gone forever?!” both of your hands are on his chest now. he doesn’t flinch at the force of them or try to remove them and before you know it, through your sobbing and weakening body, they’re clinging to him like a lifeline. you bury your face into his chest, his shirt quickly becoming soaked in your tears and snot, wrinkling under your tight hold.
caleb says your name softly, his hand cradling the back of your skull and keeping you pressed against him. “it was painful for me to be away from you too.” more than he could handle, worse than what he’d experienced before in any physical sense.
“it’s not the same..” you hide behind the pillar of strength he’s offering you, let the storm rage and crash against him while tucked into the safe place of his arms as exhaustion starts to replace every other thing you had been feeling up until this point with the help of his embrace around you and the familiar scent of him invading your senses. this is real. he’s really here and he promised he wouldn’t leave you again.. “at least you knew i was alive - knew you could see me again if you really wanted..”
he holds you tighter then, his lips pressing in the crown of your head. he knows it's not the same but he also thought he was sparring you more pain by staying away, no matter how difficult that was for him. “you have no idea how badly i wanted to see you.” his hold is almost too tight now but you welcome it, want more of it. “it was agony to be away from you and hide this from you.”
“caleb..” you bury yourself further into him. everything hurts; your body, your heart, your head and somehow he is the soothing balm that makes it all better and the very source of it to begin with. you want to press him more, want to know everything that has happened to him while you’ve been apart but as you weep like a child in his arms, the words are lost and all you can do is hold on to him like your life depends on it. like he might disappear again if you were to let go.
you don’t know how much time passes before you’re being swept up off your feet, cradled against his chest and safely in his arms with your own so quickly and tightly wrapping around his neck to keep him as close to you as possible. he doesn’t tease or complain about the mess you’ve made of his outfit or your tears that soak into the skin of his neck. caleb doesn’t say anything as he walks to the couch and settles down onto it, removing his arm from under your legs to reach for a blanket that he drapes over you before adjusting you on his lap and holding you within his complete embrace again.
your sobbing slowly turns to small hiccups and scattered tears rather than a downfall of them but you don’t let him go. you can’t let him go and wonder if perhaps he is feeling the same when his hold on you doesn’t waver for a moment and he doesn’t try to move from underneath you.
“what if..” your voice is so weak, quiet enough you wonder if he’ll hear you at all and not knowing if you ever want him to. “what if tomorrow comes and you’re not here? what if i’m just dreaming.. what if you die again..” how will i survive losing you twice..
his arms around you tighten, as if he’s trying to make you one with him, bury you in the safety and truth of his very chest, where his heart beats for you and could never leave you again. not before he’d bring down the whole planet and whisk you away to a new one where it could only be the two of you. “i’m not going anywhere ever again. nothing will keep me from you or tear us apart,” caleb answers quietly, as if not anything or anyone else in this world was meant to hear his words but you. “i will be here tomorrow and everyday after. i promise.”
“c-can we stay like this for now? please..”
a soothing hand smooths over your hair and like it was even possible, presses you closer to him. “we can stay here, like this, for as long as you need and when tomorrow comes, i’ll make you breakfast and hold you again. until you know it’s not a dream and can believe that i’m not going to leave you ever again.”
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I’ve always wondered what the world looked like through his beautiful blue eyes.
I wonder what I look like through them.
I wonder what Schroeder thinks whenever he hears me coming. Does he secretly get excited behind that stoic expression of his or is he counting the seconds till I finally go home?
I hope it’s not the latter.
I rest my cheek against the piano, my gaze glued onto him as I watched him play. He was like magic—no, he had to be magic with the way he played the piano. The way his fingers tickled the ivory keys, the music that seems to capture one’s mind and soul.
Yeah, he’s got to be magic. I can’t imagine what else he would be.
We’re at school, he’s sat a few seats ahead of me, talking to Charlie Brown and my eyes just always seem to focus on him. Sometimes, I forget there’s the rest of the world when he’s right there.
I get up to talk to him but I stop in my tracks, my world stops spinning as I watch that stupid, pretty redhead walk up to him. How could she walk up to him when he’s mine? How could he look back at her and talk to her?
That’s my Schroeder.
I shouldn’t call her stupid. That’s not nice but I can’t help it. Why is she talking to him? I can tell she likes him and it scares me that I don’t know if he likes her back.
It scares me that I don’t know much about him despite all my efforts.
I want to tell him not to talk to her, I want to push her out of the way and pull him into my arms and take him away but…
He would probably hate me if I do.
Instead, I take a step back and turn on my heel before walking out of the room.
As I walk away, I can feel my mind is playing tricks on me because I swear I can hear Schroeder calling out to me.
“Hey Lucy, wait up!”
I’ve always wondered what the world looked like through her bright brown eyes.
I wonder what I look like through them.
I never really understood the way Lucy stuck around, always coming by after class to listen to me play piano—sometimes, I don’t know if she’s really listening to me play with the way she looks at me.
What is going on through that head of hers? I wonder if she likes the songs I play, does she notice the kinds of songs I choose whenever she’s around? I wonder if she even cares for it at all.
I hope it’s not the latter.
My hands may be playing the piano, my gaze may be on the keys, but my mind was solely focused on her. I can’t help but to steal glances, my heart skipping a beat whenever I see her cheek pressed up against my piano and her eyes just watching me.
She’s got to be magic, there’s just no other way to explain what she does to me.
At school, she sits a few seats behind me. Something I consider a blessing and a curse because at least, if I can’t see her, I won’t get distracted too much. The problem is, she still plagues my mind even when she’s out of sight so there’s really no point.
Charlie Brown had just left, leaving me to sit down on my chair and finish writing a song when a girl walks up to me. She has red hair, that’s all I care to notice about her before she starts talking.
I try to keep up with what she’s saying to be polite but I couldn’t bring myself to care. If it were Lucy, I listen to all those stupid questions she asks me, questions that make no sense yet I so desperately try to understand them, to understand her.
A sigh falls from my lips as my gaze can’t help but to look for her and when it does, I notice this…look in her eyes before she turns around and leaves the classroom.
What was that? I’ve never seen her look at me like that before…I don’t like it.
I don’t bother excusing myself from the conversation as my legs quickly move to follow after her.
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probably my most powerful interpersonal communication hack is to, whenever possible, ask either/or questions rather than yes/no questions
for example, when chatting with coworkers, i’ll often ask if they have any fun weekend plans. but let’s be real - we all feel like friendless losers when someone asks that question and we go “uhhhhh… no.” so instead, i phrase it as “so, do you have anything fun planned over the weekend, or are you just going to enjoy having some time to relax?”
phrased like this, there’s rarely any awkwardness. you’ve presented two options & given both equally positive connotations, so your conversational partner has an automatic “out,” so to speak
but it works for higher stakes conversations too!!!! my mom was saying this weekend how she and her neighbor both like walking around the neighborhood & that she wanted to suggest they take a walk together sometime, but was worried about how to approach the conversation
so i said “how about you just say ‘i’ve noticed we both like taking walks! would you be interested in going for one together, or do you use walks for some precious alone time?’”
now Walking Neighbor has an automatic “get out of jail free card” if she wants to say no!!!! which means my mom doesn’t have to worry about the conversation being uncomfortable, because she’s set it up to go smoothly
either/or questions rather than yes/no questions. it is really like magic
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oh my god the trailblazer is a gremlin agent of chaos
I'm so used to the Traveler in Genshin who sits all properly, has proper manner when it's important, and even though they tease their friends and don't hold back when it comes to their enemies, they are overall a person who exudes a tender kindness and welcoming warmth
the Trailblazer in HSR is out here turning off random robots around the space station, messing with gadgets just for the hell of it, bluntly calling people out on their bullshit, and drinking random cold cups of coffee they find sitting unattended around the space station
summary: you and scara attempt that one lipstick trend when they're applying lipstick and accidentally smudge it and then the camera pans to their s/o wiping it off (im hoping you get what im saying)
warnings: kissing, fluff, modern au, established relationship
pairings: scaramouche x gn reader
notes: ive seen so many of these tiktoks and I HAD to involve scara somehow
"this is stupid." your boyfriend says as you pepper kisses all over his face. red kiss marks flood your view as you look at the masterpiece that used to be scaramouche's face.
"it's not stupid, it's a cute trend." you say, smudging some of the ones you find weird-looking. "okay, ready?" you grab you phone, clicking on the audio. "let's just get this over with." scaramouche says as he moves you onto his lap.
you press record and as the audio plays you apply on the same lipstick you used to kiss scara. you "accidentally" go past your lips and when the beat drops you tilt the camera to face scaramouche.
his hands are near your lips, wiping off the smudged lipstick and he stares at you as if he was staring at the stars. before the audio ends he immediately brings you into another kiss.
unlike the quick, short kisses you gave him earlier, this one is slow and sensual. he's kissing you as if it was his last. "what was that for?" you say, once the recording ends. "nothin' much." he replies, moving his hand to brush off the hair on his face.
when he tilts his head you can see the faint blush on his ears. you smile before turning around, still sitting on his lap, and pulling his face into another kiss. and another. and another. and another.
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