i’m so sick to my stomach i’m deathly ill

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@mentallynude
i’m so sick to my stomach i’m deathly ill

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future me will get revenge for present me
i wish i was allowed to be angry but instead im scared ill make you angry somehow
everything hurts and it’s your fault
i want to do something i’m good at but im not good at anything

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he’d never make me feel like this
it makes me so sad to wake up to zero messsages from her ):
it’s like when i’m nauseous now of course i’m upset but there’s a part of me that’s so happy that im not hungry. because im sick of eating my feelings. im ready to starve my feelings. im ready to lose 40 lbs in 2 months okay fine maybe 3 but definitely not more. i need to be skinny by the time i get back to america. i need to lose at least 30 lbs before then. do you think i can do it? ideally id lose 40 but i think 30 is more realistic and ill still be happy with 30. i think id still be pretty skinny at 140. i just need to get there. somehow. i need to lock in. i need to give in to my ed urges. because its not right what’s happening to me. i body check like every 3 seconds and get upset because my body doesn’t look any better than the last time i checked it. i wont even get started on my face. like. it’s disgusting. it makes me so upset how fucking found and fat my face is. omg. my soft jawline makes me sick and my under chin area is literally my biggest insecurity. it feels like everyone is looking at it even if most people probably aren’t. it feels like a fucking disgusting part of me i wish i could cut off. so much of my body feels like that. but really if it wasn’t for my face i probably wouldn’t be as bothered by my body. except my lovehandles. and my stomach. i’m ok with my thighs tho, i used to not be. the only way i can feel like myself again is if i lose weight. that’s the only way i can be confident again. the only way i can be me again. the only way i can look cool again. the only way i can fit into all my old cool clothes again. please. whatever it takes. i need to do it. i hope i dont jinx myself by saying whatever it takes because ideally i wont get so mentally bad like i did a year-year and a half ago. or worse. arguably im doing equally as bad right now but also deep down i know im not. that was a certain level of anxiety ive never had before and i hope i never have again. but a little bit of anxiety is worth it to lose weight. just a bit though, not excessive like how it used to be. see sometimes i think that and other times i think whatever it takes. but i know logically i can’t let it get that bad again. no matter how good i look after.
but damn, did i look fucking good.
i feel so pathetic. so nonconfrontational yet so obsessed with you. did we fly too close to the sun? why do you make me so damn anxious? it’s impossible to live like this. in my dream there was a sense of relief i felt yet at the same time ive never felt worse. i literally felt like everything in me was breaking. and i was so angry, angriest ive probably felt in a looong time, dream or real life. i just couldn’t believe it i couldn’t believe what you did to me and i felt so betrayed and so pathetic and i remember there was still a part of me wanting to just talk through it and be okay again. and there was a part of me that was happy to see you so upset, to know you know you’ve messed up and you’re scared and upset about probably losing me. because in real life, i feel like you’re not scared to lose me at all.
my dream keeps torturing me and i’m not asleep anymore

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it breaks me inside in a shattering devastating way that she doesn’t try harder to make me feel better and neither does he anymore. i’m just alone. i’m the most alone i’ve ever been. i miss him so bad i miss every attempt he had at making me feel better i wish i didn’t have such impossibly high standards for him that were impossible to reach for trying to make me feel better. i should’ve appreciated the fact that he tried, somehow, someway. i should’ve appreciated him wayyyyy more than i did. i can’t believe he’s really gone. every day i want to die so bad.
it just hurts knowing that when she doesn’t respond to me i’m like anxious and itching to text her again and it ruins my whole mood but when i don’t respond to her i doubt it even affects her at all. not that it even ever happens bc i always respond to her. i can’t even fucking leave her on delivered for one day. while she wants space from me i feel like a pathetic desperate person wanting so much from her. i can’t do this. i miss feeling secure in my relationship. i miss having a relationship.
i need you so bad please…. i’ve never needed anything as much as i need you
i’m so sad….. im just so incredibly sad. i want to be with her so bad ): when will she be ready ): what if she’s never ready ): what if all this was for nothing. i feel like im gonna puke every second of every day
how could you do this to me? you said you were here, even just a week ago you said you’ll be here for me. why did you lie? why would you say that and go back on your words a week later? you know exactly how bad i feel right now and you don’t care to reach out or do anything about it. that’s so disappointing and all i want is comfort from you. honestly even if you realize how awful you’re being to me right now, i don’t know how i can move past this and this is what hurts the most. you abandoned me when i was at my worst AT MY WORST and you arent thinking twice about it. what i was the most scared of has happened. multiple things actually. i don’t know how im supposed to keep living. why are you doing this to me? all it would take is one text, one how are you to show that you care. but do you even care if you’re doing this to me? i don’t know. but it hurts really fucking bad. i’ve hit a low i didn’t know i could hit.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
things are getting bad again
everything hurts…. i feel like you don’t care at all…