For those of you who haven’t been keeping up on the story, I’ve been attempting to get in with a thoracic outlet syndrome (otherwise abbreviated as TOS)  specialist to explore my surgery/treatment options for my chronic pain. I’m NB and have been planning top surgery for myself as well, and have a theory top surgery will help my TOS. My pain is mainly in my back and we all know too much breast tissue (which I have) can lead to back pain. My Mom told me long ago she wanted to be involved in my surgical treatment for TOS and she wanted to know if the doctor would recommend TOS surgery, top surgery, or no surgery at all.

I went to the specialist and she told me “Top surgery sounds like a great treatment plan!  We have wonderful plastic surgeons in our medical group and I’d be happy to write you a recommendation letter for your insurance/primary doctor.” I have an audio recording of a thoracic outlet specialist saying she thinks me having top surgery will help me. Which I have been telling my mother since I came out to her as trans…4 years ago

Well, I told Mom about the appointment. “You don’t know that surgery will help anything,” “It’s not fair that you’re using our insurance for your gender exploration” “I didn’t ask to have to deal with you getting this major surgery.”  She’s the victim because her kid wants surgery and as usual, she’s pinning her anxieties onto me. Then she says she wants me to be on my own insurance for top surgery because…? I have yet to get a good answer.

This isn’t the whole picture. My parents are liberals and have always voted positively on queer issues. They try. They just don’t try enough with ME. At least not about this.

Meanwhile, I’m getting started on yet another anxiety med that has yet to work and my OCD has been utterly out of control. I’m going off testosterone (I only planned to be on HRT for a little while) and am having major migraines because of it as well. I’ve already had to call off work so much and I’ve lost hundreds of dollars in paychecks from lost work just because I ran out of sick hours a long time ago.

And of course, weed is still expensive as shit but medical/recreational use laws are the only thing keeping me from blowing my brains out because I LITERALLY cannot function without something to tamper my anxiety. I can’t even go to my therapist because I’m in debt to her and have to wait for (guess who) my mother to call her and validate the billing.

On top of this, and this is the big kicker, my girlfriend’s car was vandalized last night. We came outside and discovered several marks on the car where it was hit by paintballs and one other mark on the car next to us. It may have been just kids fucking around but the fact she has prominent pride stickers on her car and there were multiple hits on our car and only one on the neighbors’ car over on our side leads us to suspect we have been targeted. As much as I don’t want to, I will likely be filing a police report in the morning.

On top of this, I can’t ask my mom for money even though she helps support me financially rn. I have several prescriptions to pick up, my glasses just broke and need a repair, I have to pay an $85 fee to renew my car’s registration and I have to pay at least $50 to take the government test that’ll allow me to work in my new job as a behavior therapist. I also would like to help pay for my girlfriend’s car to get fixed if I can because she’s already helped me so through so much of this bullshit. 

I can’t even picture a future where I’m happy, I’m just holding on because I know in my brain it’ll come. Even though I can’t see it anymore. Anyway. I’m only making this post to validate my need for paypal donations/playbill sales on this site. Please help me out if you can. Or reblog this, whatever. I don’t care. I’m just so tired.