TANZEN KANN NICHT FALSCH SEIN

Du wirst mit dem sein, den du liebst.

There are two types of ‘tired’, I suppose. One is a dire need of sleep, the other is the dire need of peace.

somedays, i will implode on myself. i will quietly shut down, no tears, no shouts, no alarms. i will be too cold, too distant—untouchable and unreachable. don’t panic. somedays, i will implode on myself. it won’t be your fault. let me recover, softly and slowly. hold me when i remember how to feel again. somedays, i will be reckless. i will be wild and unstoppable. i will jump off cliffs and taste like cigarettes and smell like booze. i will forget you and i will forget me and i will smile. i will smile, until it hurts and i will cry because it won’t be enough. somedays, i will be reckless. it won’t be your fault. wait until i am sober before you berate me, but know that it won’t be the last time. somedays, i will explode on you. suddenly, suddenly and all at once, i will yell and rage and hate. i will tear you apart with my words and i will not stop, even when you cry. know that i am sorry. it won’t be your fault. i could never hate you. all those words are meant for me, not you. let me remind you that you are too good for me. somedays, i will explode on you. let me apologize. somedays, i will be gentle. i will take you to museums and coffee shops and the world will feel bright and whole. i will make eggs and toast and dance in the kitchen with you. i will tell you about my favorite memories and you will think this is, this is how it is meant to be. it will end. it won’t be your fault. somedays, i will be gentle. remember that i am not always whole, remember the good comes with the bad. most days, i will be hard to love. it won’t be your fault. i will not blame you when you leave.

When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it.

I was lost in the universe that you were, yet the stardust in your eyes when you looked at her stilled me. I felt the wretchedness consume me – the night welcomed me, and I tasted your mouth. Terrible, terrible heart, oh how have I killed you.

I used to find you in the dictionary under the word rowdy. You were all scraped knees and chapped lips. You were ever-evolving; a complete whirlwind. Your middle name was Chaos. I miss your giddy screeches of delight and the way the breeze flirted with your hair those smoke stained evenings. Can you remember the dusks once full of too loud music and barely audible whispers? The air tasted of you and falling leaves and I could swear even the crickets stopped to listen to your humming. Which is why I can’t wrap my head around why- or how, you let her tame you. It’s almost as if you willingly went into the cage she led you to. Now you don’t even care to break free and you no longer hum melodies and I avoid going out at night now because I’m afraid of the quiet. I ache for the peace your violence once brought me. Everything is too still. I still have the dictionary, except now I rifle through the pages wondering where you take homage. I hope we find each other again.

You lead me on. Made me think we were going some place full of love and happiness. We weren’t. Instead you were living your own life while I was drowning in mine.

Wie mich jeder Mensch seitdem anklagend ansieht.

Wunder liegen bei Wunden, darum werden uns Narben bleiben. Die nennen es “bluten”, wir nennen es “Farbe zeigen”.

Be kind to me November, let me find the love I deserve.