There were hot people in the '90s; they ate bread

"...the Swiss kid..."

"I'm Swedish..."

And I just think...when two closeted people are in a relationship, it's not ok to basically be like "it's fine to be closeted when I want to be, but as soon as I want to come out, it means it's not ok for you to be closeted, you have to put in the work to meet me where I am, on my timeline".

It is ok for someone to decide they want to come out and that they don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't ready for that. It is ok for someone to decide they want to remain closeted, and to choose that over being in a relationship with someone who wants to be out – even if people end up with hurt feelings or broken hearts or resentment or anger that the other person couldn't meet them where they are. Choosing to remain closeted isn't the morally inferior choice.

I also just kind of think there's a difference between like...what's an objectively wrong thing to do, and what hurts someone's feelings and is something your friends will commiserate with you about. If your friend's partner breaks up with them, you might spend time with them saying "yeah, what a dick! How could they do that to you, you're amazing" because they're your friend. You might feel/be obligated to put their partner down because you support your friend. But that doesn't mean their partner has done something objectively, morally wrong. Their friends are probably going "that's understandable, it wasn't working out, sorry you felt you had to end it".

That's not to say that someone who wants to remain in the closet can never be in the wrong when they're in a relationship. It's not fair to keep promising that it will happen one day, for example, and continually kick the can down the road or go back on promises without making a real effort to get there. I also think it's fair to say that if you are closeted and in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be, you should be very careful about assuming they're happy with that arrangement and about what you ask of them (although, ultimately, it is up to them to end the relationship if they're unhappy, imo). ETA: I feel I should also add that I don't think it's OK to agree to being in the closet/in a secret relationship with someone while continuing to resent them for it or hold it over their head.

And I don't like how it's framed like (or at least, some other readers have interpreted it as) Shane is morally in the wrong for ending the relationship. Of course, the other guy would have a right to feel hurt by the end of the relationship. But why is it fine for them both to be in the closet, but then not fine (as in, not morally correct) for Shane not to want to come out as soon as his partner decides he wants to?

Like obviously it's not fine in that their priorities and what they want are now in conflict, and they're no longer compatible if his partner wants to be out, not just as a gay man but also as a gay man in a relationship with Shane. If they truly want different things and there's no compromise, that unfortunately means the end of the relationship, and that's sad. It's even understandable, to an extent, that his partner might be angry about it and frustrated that Shane can't meet him where he is. But them wanting their relationship to be two different things is why it's not ok, not specifically Shane not wanting to come out...if that makes sense.

I don't know. I'm too emotionally stunted or too inexperienced with relationships or something. I just don't get it.

Is Shane in debt to Ilya until he makes an equally big gesture? Is he required to come out when Ilya wants to, to pay him back?

Should he never fight with Ilya? Should he always give him what he wants? Should he be sending him flowers and chocolates all the time? Is he meant to be rewarding Ilya in some way or showering him with love or what?