Not As Fixed As I Thought

I recently stumbled across a YouTube channel called The Blacktop Collective. They're doing a YouTube series called "I Made My Hood Friends Play Baldur's Gate 3."

It's exactly what it says on the tin. A few guys who are unfamiliar with dungeons and dragons being guided by a more experienced player on an adventure through the Forgotten Realms.

It's absolutely fucking hilarious.

Their videos are the most fun I've had watching YouTube for a long time.

And the thumbnails are fantastic.

All in all, I highly recommend checking them out.

I got a random message out of the blue from a man I didn't recognize.

I was curious, so I messaged asking if I had met him before.

Apparently,

He was my fucking Uber driver a few weeks ago!!!

Who fucking does that‽‽

The first new friend I've made in a really long time.

I was really scared to reach out at first, but she had been nice in the past.

And once we got started talking, it just started to flow.

The anxious voice in my mind didn't shut up.

But it got quieter.

But they were also *extremely* emotionally neglectful. I can't remember a single time in my life where either of my parents *chose* to spend any time with me or my brothers. Not once did my mom hold me while I was crying and tell me it would all be okay. My dad wouldn't even be in the same house as us if he could help it.

I remember one time, my Dad went grocery shopping, on one of the occasions where he didn't spend all the money on beer, weed, and meth. He bought Miracle Whip, which I liked and was happy about, but I expressed surprise, because I thought I was the only one in the house that preferred it. My Dad looked at me and said "You think I would buy Miracle Whip just for *you?*" And the way he said it made me feel so small. So unimportant.

And I'm just now realizing how much it fucked me up. I'm constantly desperate for affection, because I've been starved of it all my life. I get attached to people *way* too quickly, and it often makes them uncomfortable. I'm terrified of being even the slightest bit of an inconvenience, because I don't want to be more trouble than I'm worth.

I feel so worthless and alone most of the time, and it's so hard to make myself try to change. Because if I wasn't good enough for my own parents to give a damn about me, why would someone *choose* to care about me?

I just want someone to look at me and see me. All of me.

I'm afraid of the judgemental glances I get from strangers when I wear something that makes me happy.

I'm afraid of going on dates because the idea of being rejected is heartbreaking.

I'm afraid that a random transphobe on the street is going to take offense to my existence, and decide to end it.

I'm afraid of large crowds.

I'm afraid that everyone I know and care about is going to decide they no longer want to put up with me.

I'm afraid that my dog can somehow sense that I've always been a cat person, and is worried I'm going to love my roommates cat more than him.

I'm even afraid to have my own *thoughts*, because if I start thinking about something that could be perceived as weird, I get worried that someone around me is a mind reader, and is judging me for my inner monologue.

I'm too scared to be myself *in the privacy of my own mind!* Can you imagine how stifling that is?

I desperately want affection, having received shockingly little of it in my life, but I'm absolutely terrified of putting myself in a position to receive affection. I want to be loved, but exposing the real me to someone is just about the scariest thing I can imagine.

I'm just so fucking scared all the time.

My theory is that Bubble is Abel.

Because, 1. Bubble has always been at least a little bit outside Caine's control. Always making jokes that Caine doesn't understand or approve of, swearing, that scene where Bubble antagonized Caine. "You always were the lesser of the two."

2. this part may be a stretch, but the only time we've seen Abel depicted at all was as a blue dot. Bubble is a sphere with a blue tint. It's close enough to seem reasonable to me.

3. then there's the part where Caine says "The toy box character wants us to leave the other intelligent AI's to run for a prolonged period of time." But why would it be okay to leave Bubble running continuously, but not Gummigoo, or Orbsman or something? Why is Bubble different?

And the final reason is because Bubble and Abel sound similar. xD

"My standards are too high to include anyone who would settle for me."