Me, Myself & My 40s

Steering Wheel Chronicles - April 4, 2019 2:54PM

Today I became a member of the gig life as a rideshare driver.

I was nervous at first but I gave myself a peptalk and said go and do it.

I procrastinated.

I wanted to get on the road early in the morning 5AM, but I did everything around the house instead.

- Washed the dishes

- Cleaned my bedroom

- Played around on the Internet

- Scrolled through social media

Everything to stop myself from sliding the app to accept my first ride.

To get my life together I turned on the motivational podcast, Quote of the Day Show with Sean Croxton. I realized I couldn’t make any more excuses.

It was the kick in the ass I needed.

I just completed my fourth ride.

My fourth ride, who was a brotha, gave me a cash tip of seven dollars.

I used the seven dollars to purchase lunch at a gas station.

A beef hotdog with ketchup, mustard relish, onions and sauerkraut, bottled water, and a bag of chips.

I’ve been on the road for about three hours and I’ve already made $66 plus tip.

God’s gonna bless me. I know he will. He’s not going to have me in disarray forever. I am just eternally thankful that I can actually drive a car to make extra money and pay down these debts.

Posting for a Friend

The trends are clear – as women age the odds are they will be living alone, largely because of either divorce or widowhood.

What may be less clear for many of them is whether they are prepared for that life alone – both emotionally and financially, says Susan Hickey, a financial professional at Your Own Retirement LLC.

“Although both men and women could live three or four decades in retirement, it’s more likely for women because they have longer life expectancies,” Hickey says. “But they also often have less in savings, and smaller or no pensions, so their longevity can work for them and against them.”

Almost half (46 percent) of women who are 75 or older live alone, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Community Living.

But women, many of whom are heads of households, don’t always do a good job of planning for their retirements because they spend so much of their time thinking about the needs of others – their children, their spouses, their aging parents, Hickey says.

“They need to realize that their happiness and security in their later years can hinge on so many things, and not just their savings,” she says. “So many factors come into play.”

Hickey says some mistakes women make in planning for retirement, and what they can do to correct those mistakes, include:

Failing to participate in planning. Many women traditionally have left the retirement planning to their husbands, and that’s a mistake, Hickey says. Women should be actively involved. They need to understand their financial situation, what would happen if their spouse dies and where all the important papers are kept. When a meeting occurs with a financial professional, they should be part of that and help make the decisions.

Underestimating how long they will live. For some reason, many women have trouble imagining just how long retirement might last. Life expectancy for females in the United States is about 81, and that’s an average. Many women will live into their 90s, and some will pass 100. When planning and saving, women need to consider that they might still be living 30 or 40 years after they retire.

Failing to protect their health. Maintaining your general health and well-being is important because medical costs can eat into retirement money, Hickey says. The nest egg that someone thought would be more than sufficient can start disappearing quickly when there are significant medical issues. Women need to make sure they get exercise, eat healthy meals and keep up with those doctor visits.

“So much of this is connected,” Hickey says. “When women feel that they have a good financial plan in place, they are more likely to feel secure, and that’s good for both their physical health and their emotional health.”

It's been 27 months since I celebrated my 40th birthday. At first, I didn't want to accept I was getting older but then I realized being a woman in her 40s is not such a bad thing. 

What I know for sure is that I am finally coming into my own. I don't even have to declare out loud that "I'm a grown ass woman" because you'll be able to see how grown I am in my actions and how I treat myself and others.

Four decades of life has taught me a great deal. Here's what I've learned.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to enjoy life.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to laugh out loud.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to save money for my older self.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to embrace my gray hairs, even the one on my vajayjay.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to cut negative people out of my circle, including family members.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to embrace young people. 20-somethings keep my mind young and up to speed on how the human culture continues to evolve. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to worry about situations I can't control.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to depend on a man's touch to climax. I can take care of that all by myself.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to walk with a smile, thanks to all of the catcalling construction workers. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to save "fuck you" money so when shit goes down in the job market I can survive without worrying about money. *

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to accept my dark skin and my kinky curly hair.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to trust my college age children. "They gone be aight." 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to be absolutely clear with my expectations of other people. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to argue my point of view with people who believe their opinion is law. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to care about trolls on social media.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to take cues from my kids. They are the enlightened ones. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to wear my heart on my sleeve.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to be attached to the length of my hair and if my edges are laid. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to walk with my head high and to speak with confidence. 

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned that I can't get inebriated like I used to. My body just can't take hangovers anymore. *

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to listen to that small still voice.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to save my tears for my children and their accomplishments. *

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to explain why I love country music.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned not to engage in drama. I just respond with a smile. *

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to sing out loud as I walk down the street with my headphones on.

As a #WomanInHer40s, I've learned to start my day with motivational sermons. My preferred preachers of choice are Joel Osteen and Bishop TD Jakes. *

I'll be sure to update my list of life lessons over the next 93 months. In the meantime, I'd like to hear from you. What life lessons have you learned now that you're in your 40s?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been racially colorblind. The topic of Civil Rights was never part of family discussions. If anything, we talked about how we were going to arm ourselves with knowledge and then use it to live the American Dream. As a precaution, I wore race blinders to minimize my involvement in any racially charged issues taking place around me in Corporate America.

During my young adolescent years, my Jamaican mother used to say, “Don’t blame the color of your skin for the things you do not have.” The “things” she was referring to were education, success and a thriving career.

Earning a degree in journalism allowed me to work in local television newsrooms, write for financial publications and it even gave me a peek into the advertising world. All of this was possible because I pursued an education, which led to a successful career in media.

My race blinders kept me laser focused. They kept me safe from any ethnic uprising in the workplace. They kept me in check. But when I started to navigate my way through the labyrinth of Middle-class America I soon realized my race blinders was keeping me from the truth.

Climbing the corporate ladder as a woman, or as Sheryl Sandberg described it in her bestselling book Lean In, “the jungle gym,” has been quite a struggle. But as a Black woman working in corporate America, my journey has been even more challenging.

Ring the Alarm

At first, I didn’t notice any red flags. Early in my career an executive news producer, who was also a Black woman, opened my eyes and rang the alarm. “In the news business, you have to work twice as hard because you’re a woman. And you have to work five times harder because you’re a Black woman.”

Till this day, those words stick to my soul. I took that piece of advice and ran with it. In every position I held over the years, I made sure to arrive the office early, stay late, dress sharp and go above and beyond of what my employers asked me.

Putting in the Work

The red flags didn’t start to show up until I decided to transition from local news to financial journalism. For the 10 years I covered finance, I had to prove myself every day. To start, I made it my duty to read everything I could get my hands on, which included …

Accounting

Analysts Reports

Annuities

Divestitures

Earnings Calls

Fiduciary Rule

Financial Advisors

Initial Public Offerings (IPOs)

Investment Bankers

Life Insurance

Mergers & Acquisitions

Private Equity

SEC Filings

Venture Capital

Wealth Management

… and the list goes on.

I’d watch my editors take White junior reporters under their wing to train them for success. I thought I would be next in line for one-on-one training, but my turn never came. While waiting in vain, I would concoct strategic plans to get in the good graces of my editors. Unfortunately, they were always too busy or didn't have enough room in their nest.

The Only One

It’s no secret that White men dominate the financial world. It’s very rare that I saw anyone who looked like me at financial services industry events. The moment I stepped into a conference, I would count how many Blacks were in the room. Then I would count the Latinas, Asians and so on. I was usually the only minority.

As a matter of fact, it is the same landscape in the financial journalism world. Most of my colleagues are White men and women. They all hold degrees from pristine colleges, and they make sure to remind me anytime I want to give my insight on a story or a project. “Tamika, please know that I went to Columbia Journalism school for my masters. And I’m certified in social media, CMS, SEOs and blah, blah, blah.”

They made me feel like my journalism degree from the University of South Carolina didn’t matter. Their put downs and insults struck a nerve which caused me to work even harder.

Black Woman Left Behind  

Those same White colleagues were on the fast track for promotion. Every time one of them got promoted I would get to the office earlier, stay later and read all of the financial publications cover to cover. “You’ve got to work twice as hard” kept ringing through my mind. It seemed that I was on a hamster wheel running toward a goal that I would never reach.

Then one day, a White colleague brought it to my attention the reason why I was getting passed over for promotion over and over again. “Do you think it’s because you’re Black?”

My co-worker pointed out that reporters on the fast track were White and Jewish, just like our boss. And every other week they were moving up in rank. “Race and religion shouldn't have anything to do with why I’m not getting promoted,” I said to my co-worker. “My mother said not to blame the color of my skin for the things I don’t have. I just have to work harder for the things I want.”

I was beyond upset. But after I settled my emotions I realized that my co-worker had a point. I confronted that boss and explained how our team was perceiving him. He told me I just wasn’t ready. I pushed back and said I would not accept that as an answer. “If I see another promotion announcement and my name is not in the subject line, please know I’m putting in my two-week notice on that day.”

One month later, I received a promotion.

Replacement Blinders

After that experience I realized that I had to remove the “race blinders” my mother gave me. It was clear to me that racism exists in Corporate America and it’s hard to prove. I ended up trading my “race blinders” for passive blinders.

Afraid to get fired, I ignored undercutting remarks from editors, reporters and clients. Afraid to be labeled "the angry Black woman" I would keep my mouth shut when I heard "alternative facts" spewed about the Black community.

The one time I removed my passive blinders, my Black female co-worker pulled me aside and warned me that our boss doesn't like it when we disagree with him or question him. "Wow, Masta got you under his thumb," I thought to myself. "I will not bow down. I am a grown-ass woman, and I will continue to give my insight respectfully."

And because I refused to obey the rules, "Masta" decided that it was time to make some changes. After only 10 weeks on the "Plantation," the company said it was in financial despair. Guess whose position got cut for the New Year? I picked up my passive blinders, placed them back on my head and went back to square one.

If only I could just figure out how to remove the passive blinders and keep them off as I did with my race blinders. Working in Corporate America as a Black Woman has its perks said no one ever!

by Andy Rooney

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: 

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

The resignation letter has been sent and no one reacted. Not even a phone call from the team that hired me. 

This part of the “creative” industry was no place for a journalist like myself. 

I’m going to miss the glitz and glam. I’m going to miss the VIPs. I’m going to miss my team.

So now what? I’m finally returning to my passion. I’ll be toting around a video camera, mics and editing equipment to produce human interest stories throughout the communities in the metropolitan area. 

The truth is…it’s time for me to take a step back to reflect how I evolved in this role. I didn’t evolve. Instead I was pushed 10 steps back.

Time to work on that resignation letter.

To be honest, the work you’ve been producing is not up to standard. 

That sentence made its way to my work e-mail this week. 

Panic set in. My mind shut off. And then doubt, pity and depression jumped right into my soul. It was hard to focus. 

Breakfast past, lunch was near and all I could do was worry. “What is it that I keep doing wrong?”

Everyone in my support group was available to spare at least 30 minutes of their time to listen and calm me down. 

One piece of advice really hit home. “Find something different to do. Take a break from what you’ve been doing for the last 10 years. Take as long as you need to figure out what you’d like to do next.”

The Big Shift

There will come a time when some of you will end up at a crossroads in your career. Please know this is absolutely normal. This is especially true as you creep into your 40s. 

You may have already started to notice the big shift. 

Tasks you used to knock out the park will become a challenge. 

You make more mistakes. 

You have a difficult time starting and finishing projects. 

Your attention to detail has diminished. 

Your self confidence is locked up somewhere and you don’t know how to get it back.

Everything you just read is actually happening to me right this very moment. But why? To be completely honest with you, I no longer have the desire to write for the “the man.” I want to write for “the people.”

How Did You Get Here?

The average person wouldn’t think twice about reading my work. My family members eyes glaze over from boredom when I try to explain what type of stories I write.

Since 2007, I’ve been chasing leads, digging through research reports, skimming SEC filings, attending industry conferences only to craft stories for a niche group of finance professionals. 

These same professionals always make me feel like I am not good enough. For years I pretended their undermining comments never bothered me. “Oh, you’re the public relations girl,” they would say. I have nothing against PR folks, so why do they?

It’s also important to note these professionals always have to do a double take when they finally meet me in person. “Were you expecting someone else? Perhaps a caucasian woman?” I would say to myself when they walk right by me and my teeny weeny afro.  

I’ve been dismissed with a little wave of the hand. My thoughts and ideas went unnoticed. Handshakes and eye contact became less and less. At one point I told my co-worker to take my idea for his own just to see what happens. Sure enough, they loved “my idea” just as long as it didn’t come directly from me.

In this industry, credentials are everything. It always tickles me to see the look on their face when I tell them I don’t have an MBA and I didn’t attend Columbia grad school. “I learned everything by reading the Wall Street Journal, watching CNBC, Bloomberg TV and from my colleagues,” I explain. “Oh. And I received my undergrad from the University of South Carolina. Go Gamecocks!”

And this is when everyone’s attitudes shift. My work is questioned, harshly criticized and gone through with a fine tooth comb. I’m left out of meetings, important updates, and no one wants to take the time to explain what the expectations are. 

Rest in Peace  

All of this is what I need to take a break from. Actually, I need to have a funeral for this part of my career because I’m ready to bury it. 

Please send gif. flowers directly to this post.

The point is, this career change really isn’t that much different from what I’ve been doing for the past decade. It’s time to hang it up. It’s time to get serious about really taking that leap into something different.

Most of my female friends who moved on to their 50s told me that sex was amazing during their 40s. Unfortunately, it’s not the same for men. My friends told me that a man’s drive starts to decline in their late 40s and early 50s, while women’s sex drive continues at 100mph well into their 60s, 70s and beyond. 

Say whaaaat?

As an inquisitive newbie in her 40s, I had to research. After a day of searching and reading articles on Google, I came across a short, insightful, valid explanation of why men lose their shagabilities when they get older.

Dr. Todd B. Nippoldt gave the following explanation on MayoClinic.org.

It's natural for men to notice a gradual decrease in sex drive (libido) as they age. The degree of this decline varies, but most men maintain at least some amount of sexual interest well into their 60s and 70s.

Sometimes, however, loss of sex drive is related to an underlying condition. Depression and stress often contribute to loss of sex drive in men.

Sometimes the culprit is a decrease in male sex hormones due to an endocrine disorder. In other cases, loss of sex drive may be a medication side effect.

If you're concerned about loss of sex drive — especially if the loss happened abruptly — consult your doctor. He or she will likely take a detailed history, do a physical exam and request lab tests to help determine what's causing the loss of sex drive.

Once any underlying factors are identified, your doctor can suggest appropriate treatment options. For example:

If loss of sex drive is related to stress or depression, psychotherapy alone or in combination with antidepressant medication may help.

Some medical conditions, such as obstructive sleep apnea, can cause an unusually low testosterone level, and treatment can return your testosterone level and sex drive to normal. If no medical cause is found, treatment options may include testosterone replacement therapy.

If a certain medication is contributing to loss of sex drive, your doctor may suggest an alternate drug.

Some people have a hard time discussing sex with their doctors. But treatments are often available for a loss of sex drive, so it's worth it to have an open and honest talk with your doctor.

It’s been nearly 16 years since I first walked into a local newsroom and nearly 10 years since I’ve worked in one. For the past decade I’ve been sitting at various desks clicking away at a keyboard trying to come up with catchy headlines for investment bankers, accountants and financial advisors. Those ideas don’t come easy as they used to when writing teasers for the 11 o’clock news. 

(Big SIGH) Now, I’m trying to figure out how my multimedia journalism skills will work in a different career. 

I’ve since taken up shop in a industry where journalists rarely ventures into. 

Given that I’m still new, I’d like to keep where I’m at private...at least for now. I want to see how long they’ll keep me. 

Let’s just say I’m in a place where my financial reporting, ideas, and multimedia skills are being put to the test for “creativity.”

The entire ordeal is tricky. A seasoned journalist with more than 15 years of experience under her belt starting fresh in an industry dominated by bright creative minds. Some of my higher ups are old enough to be my college aged child. Yikes. How do I hold on? How do I keep up?

Cut throat competition doesn’t exist. Well, at least not on my team. But I am having a hard time keeping up with industry jargon, and the process of how things get done. 

My days are filled with gut wrenching nervousness and insecurities. It almost feels like I’m starting my life in the workforce from scratch.

As you get older you'll feel discomfort in your joints, cricks in your muscles and strains in your stride. As you creep into your 40s be sure to take care of your body. Stay mobile. Eat healthier. Walk. Run. Exercise. Do yoga. Make fitness part of your daily routine. Your body will thank you for it. My goal with my personal trainer is to strengthen my core, gain flexibility and stay focused on maintaining my tight little body.