philanthropic toga party

Steps approached you from the entrance, not quick, but paced. The crunch of gravel on the pavement made you lift your head to the very soul whom you’d just seen living in his stupor. You look up to meet his eyes, concerned and apprehensive. You said nothing, sharing a stare. Finally, he showcases the sunglasses, waving them around lightly and offers a tight smile. You scoff in response, no sympathy left in your system, and wipe away the fresh, feverish tears. “I didn’t really think you’d bring ‘em back.” He says quietly, nearly a mumble.

“You gave me a week Alex. A fucking week.” Your words come out bitter, but you don’t mind. The severed connection left an exposed wire. It would be his responsibility not to step on it.

“One hundred an’ sixty eyte hours…”

“Don’t get fucking smart on me you dick.” You respond before he even has the chance to finish.

“Fair enough.” He sighs, back to mumbling again. A silence passes between you as you try and settle your anger and fight back another round of tears. Alex reaches his hand out to you silently. Truce? It seemed to ask. You stare at it for a moment, and reluctantly grab his hand, using his weight to help yourself up. Your palm stings when it touches his skin and your knees are soon to protest when you uncurl them to stand. A slight hiss escapes your lips as you straighten up, assessing the damage done. Alex says nothing, but grimaces at the sight of your legs. Torn fabric and scraped and bloody knees. Nothing severe, but unpleasant nonetheless. His hand lingers for a moment, but you don’t let it transform into anything more as you pull yours away to dust off your clothes.

“I’m sorry-”

“Fuck Al, really? Sorry? You’re a songwriter for fuck’s sake, you couldn’t be even a little more creative? After all that-”

“All what, exactly?” He interrupts. You stare, eyebrows raised.

“Excuse me?”

“After all what.” He states again, not getting angry, but you could see his demeanor change. When he came out, it was in hopes of some sort of reconciliation. Now he was ready to fight.

A million insults crossed your mind, a million ways to tell him just how much that scene had hurt you, a million things to call Miles but what came out instead was:

“You and Miles.” You voice broke at Miles’ name, and you felt your eyes getting hot again. “You and Miles fucking Kane, Al.” The hurt was apparently present enough in your voice because at your words, Alex’s face softened every so slightly.

“Love I-”

“No. Fuck no, you don’t get to ‘love’ me Turner. You don’t get to say sorry. You don’t fucking get it, do you? You can’t see shit past the music or the studio or Miles. No, you’ve never been able to, one always goes hand in hand with the other, if they’re not somehow linked, it doesn’t work. I guess that’s why Miles works so well, huh? He gets it. ‘He’s the only one who gets me’ is that it Al? I don’t get you. I don't get the music. I wouldn’t understand what it’s like, right? I’m just some person, but Miles! No, Miles is special. Miles knows, doesn’t he?” You pause, breathing heavily. Inevitable tears spill but this time you couldn’t care less. Alex looks stunned, trying to search for words but you continue right from where you left off. “Alex I know I fucked up. I never meant to hurt you, it’s the last thing I wanted, you know that, I know you know. And I want to make it up to you, you mean so fucking much to me but you’re not making this easy. You’ve never made it easy. It’s always about your music but you talk about it without saying anything. You never let me in on it. You never say anything and then with Miles-” your voice breaks again at his name but you continue. “Fuck. You and Miles… I know what you have is special. I see it. Any fool could see it. I never want to get in the way of that ever. And I’d never do anything to hurt him, or you or your music, believe me. But Al… if you gave me a chance, if you let me in on one thing, maybe I could understand you too. Maybe I could understand you…” Your voice trailed off carefully. You weren’t sure what exactly took over you or where those words had come from, but whatever the consequence was going to be, you were glad to have gotten the chance to say them.

And then, softly.

“I didn’t want to lose you.” Fear.

“What?” Hurt.

“That song. That song you ‘eard. You were the inspiration. This whole thing, between us, ‘s where tha’ song came from. The other songs. The other songs we wrote. ‘Bout you. They’re all about you.” His voice has gone deeper and you could hear how scared he sounded. Not because of what he was saying, but because he was saying it to you.

“Alex… I don’t think I follow, what-”

“I was scared that once we talked about it, once we figured things out that it would change. That we would agree it’d be for the best if we parted ways. I didn’t want to lose you. The songs. The music was going so well because I still ‘ad you. I still ‘ad that version of us. Miles… It wasn’t fair. I know that. But I didn’t, I couldn’t, let you go. I said I needed time but I just didn’t have the balls to face it.” A light chuckle escapes his lips.

“I gave you time, Al, I gave you so much time and then I come to find you and… and it just hurt, because you asked and asked and I understood I knew it would take time but I come to find this and I just didn’t get what I had done that he hadn’t, why I was so wrong-”

“ I know. I know I’m… It wasn’t right, it’s not right. I jus’... In me head I couldn't go back to you without finishing it, just in case. It’s selfish and arrogant and bloody stupid, but it’s the truth. The hard, innocent truth.” A pause. You took in his words.

“I understand.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I do. Music is what you do, it’s a part of you. So is Miles it seems.” You smile and he matches your attempt to lighten the mood.

“Package deal.” Relief.

“Indeed it is.” Forgiveness?

A silence. A look. Understanding and shame, somehow blended together.

“It’s done?” Query.

“That was the last session.” Affirmation.

Quiet breaths. Red eyes. Nervous hands.

“You haven’t lost me.”

A glance of hope. No? No.

“After all this?”

“You haven’t lost me.” You repeated. Hope.

“I guess there’s something to be said for wearin’ sunglasses indoors then eh?”

A laugh shared.

A wire avoided. Replaced. New. Safe.

***

“Wait, the hotel is this way Al.” You say to him, pointing at the street he just drove by.

“I know love.” He says, looking your way, a smile slowly tugging at his lips. You look over at him in slight surprise, not wanting to completely accept what he was implying for the fear that it might not be true. Maybe he was just taking another route, how could you know? You stare at him a little longer in disbelief before focusing your attention back on the illuminated road ahead. “I ‘ope you don’t mind leavin’ yer stuff there overnight, love. We ca’ pick ‘em up in the morning.” He says, keeping his eyes directed forward. Always the ever so careful driver, Alex was.

“Al...You still have time.”

“I’m not going to waste it anymore.” He looks over at you for a moment, a look as if to ask for your approval, reassurance that he was making the right decision. You couldn’t help the smile that crept up on your face as his words went through your head. Maybe things would be a little different, sure. There would be some readjusting to do, some learning perhaps, but something new had litten up. Something neon and bright, something buzzing with energy. A low hum of electricity surging through you, ready for the next opportunity. The lights downtown made you feel more alive than ever as you drove past the restaurants, the bars, the clubs, the energy fueling what you were already feeling. Colours danced and your eyes danced with them, the smile still present on your lips.

“We’ve got to figure out a way t’ celebrate yer birthday. A proper celebration.” Alex said quietly, turning into the driveway of his charming LA home. You thought about it for a second as the car came to a halt, the engine shutting off.

“Maybe just the two of us would be nice.” You said quietly, turning to face Alex, still in the driver’s seat. He met your eyes and softly said:

“I think I agree.”