Where’s my phone?

so excuse me, ill be opening my box 📦 of old friend misery, my secret treat 📖 to feel like myself again im not here, im where nobody can reach

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pinned post

a poem by membrane-attack-complex - im not so sure about the name but whoooo cares

a poem by membrane-attack-complex

a poem by membrane-attack-complex

I think people’s smiles are beautiful. It makes me happy to see their faces light up with joy. There’s a beauty I find in the way their eyes thin out, their cheeks raise up to accomodate their mouth. Something so pure and good sprung forth by the world that surrounds them. Happiness is a beautiful glowing light, you can see it shine in a person’s eyes.

Sometimes I get given happiness too, and I will smile, for I am a human. Humans smile when they get happiness. And I feel it, my mouth widening to bare my teeth, my cheeks raising to make space for it, my eyes thin out. Because I am happy. And I look at myself somewhere in the nearest mirror, to see it. And it looks disgusting.

My mouth’s gape simply too wide, baring teeth like an animal. My cheeks raise too high, and my eyes thin out and darken under their lids, so to make happiness’s light shine worrisomely through. My smile looks disgusting, I think. It’s a bit egotistical to say, for I am not distinct or special or any sort of outlier as a human as far as I know. But a human’s smile is supposed to be beautiful.

I get home, and I fall into the bathroom for its mirror. I stare at him in it, and I smile. It’s disgusting. I think of other’s smiles, so beautiful and shining with happiness radiant. I have happiness radiant. It’s still disgusting. A human’s smile is supposed to be beautiful. I try again. It’s still disgusting. Why is it so disgusting?

I look at all the family photos, they’re all smiling. Grins so wide as they are surrounded with the warmth of family and happiness. And I am there too, seemingly smiling to it too. It’s still disgusting. I look back at all of them. They’re beautiful. I look at him in it. It’s still disgusting. I look at them in it. They’re beautiful. I look at me in it. I’m so disgusting.

If a human’s smile is beautiful, but mine is not, then I must be an outlier. How egotistical, to say. How disgusting. What being am I if not human? Am I a monster, baring his teethy grin so to show with what I eat, and how happy I am to? Am I some fae, some replacement while the real ███████████ sits tortured in a magical jail? No, magic isn’t real.

Whatever I am, it’s wrong. I am disgusting, and obviously less than human, if I don’t even have beauty. I cannot steal this happiness. It’s a human’s happiness, it’s not mine to smile to. What must I do now? I am less than human, disgusting, what must I do about it? Should I kill myself now and spare others the trouble? A noble sacrifice? No, I am not deserving of nobility.

My mother traumatized herself and wrought herself horror to bring me into this world. No matter how less I am, I must not make her investment worthless. I will be my best imitation of good. I will be a waiter, a butler, a bartender, a cleaner, a machine. I will be of service. I know that human’s have rights. I have only wrongs I could ever do with honesty, but mayhaps I could lie my way to a right.

So, good sir, today I am your waiter, your butler, your bartender, your cleaner, your machine. So, good sir, today I am your product, your want, your need, your love, your bitch, your dearest son, I am yours, sir. So, good sir, what would you like from me? There’s so much more I have been for you and so much more I could be. You love it when I lie my way to doing a right for you. It’s only right to do a wrong to one as wrong and disgusting as me. It’s only right.

I can be your victim, I can be your therapist, I can be your worshipper, I could be your god. I think a human’s smile is beautiful, sir, it’s only right one such less as me, one as disgusting, does all I can to bring it to you. One thing, one service I could not provide you sir, is a smile. But you know that. So, sir, what is it today?Yes, sir, if I am to be your fuck toy, then go on. Fuck me like an animal. What else am I? Yes, sir, if I am to be your victim, then go on. Beat me like a drum. What else am I? Yes, sir, if I am to be yours, then go on. Own me like a slave. What else am I?