Faciam ut mei memineris

My whole life orbited around you. And regardless of whether that was right or wrong, I existed that way. I felt like it was you who made me exist, the way you touched me, the way you held me, and I inflated to occupy the space I had spent my whole life shrinking from. You fit like a puzzle piece around me, holding me close until your scent was the blanket that let me fall asleep, and your touch was the warmth of my beating heart, a reminder of all that was good. You were what I had never felt. What I had always needed. And what would break me? Once I had locked myself to you I never intended on letting go, like how ivy can become parasitic to the tree it hugs so tight; I forgot to let you feed yourself first. It led to pain…that key I had fit tightly into my heart wrenched itself out, slowly, day by day, until I was left with a cavern in my chest that screamed how alone I was; every day you stepped away, thought a little less about me, loved someone else a bit more. For all I ever wanted was someone to unequivocally love me as much as I had loved them…and you gave me that, then swiftly tore it away, even worse, when I was already dying. How I managed to grasp the sinews of my body and hold them together in the light of fire and blood and tears and darkness of not waking up for weeks, I do not know. I did, but I don’t know if I ever returned to my body - dissociated now - and still, most nights, I can’t fall asleep because of you; my body has not yet healed from the shock of losing what it had finally needed after all those years of loneliness. It all happened so fast. I still crave you - and hate you.

October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.

“In a now famous commencement speech at Stanford University, Steve Jobs urged the graduating class to “stay hungry. Stay foolish.” Never let go of your appetite to go after new ideas, new experiences, and new adventures. Compete with yourself, not with others. Judge yourself on what is your personal best and you’ll accomplish more than you could ever have imagined. Life stops for no one, so keep moving. Stay awake and stay alive.”