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It’s been all day where I’ve had stopped to be reminded how much of a disgusting human i am to him. How i am a dumbass. Or an ungrateful bitch. Tears manage to come down my cheeks even though i know i can be stronger than this. The yelling when there is no need. The quick discomfort in my stomach, the sadness the meres around my heart, my body. Minutes pass and i still find myself in misery. Where he manages to describe me as a bipolar individual. Although i know I’m not. So many words that come out that almost feel impossible to forget about. I stand here in pure sadness and disbelief that someone who says they live and care for you have the guts to treat that individual as pure trash. I say to him, “ you’re to protect me from my pain, not be the cause behind it”. What have I’ve done to deserve such behavior?

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A priceless love is what I felt with you. Now it’s impossible to find that feeling with you. Covered in spots of disgusting irony, trembling curses of words, and forceful intimacy. Why must one suffer to feel a love she once felt?

A feeling of tenderness, quiet reasssurances, gentle kisses, feeling of joy. No dark moments, all silly butterflies roaming around all over...oh my what has happen to us? Where has our love vent too? I’ll always remember the touch of tender i received.

No more anger as i May no longer be able to maintain it well

We use to lay back and enjoy our kisses. Enjoy our scents. Our touch. With no single rush of intimacy. Just the calmness of the sweet tenderness of our lips against each other. Now i find it difficult to distinguish that feeling of joy with you. The feelings the words, the sharp pain in my chest make me feel like it’ll never be to feel that joy with you again. Oh how i love the touch of gentle ease. Wishing for more from you, but little to none. It’s become a wary to even mention.

I miss your gentle kisses, and our romantic endless nights.

juansendizon

“Create a list for yourself that you’ll look at whenever you are feeling suicidal and hopeless and in desperate need for a reason for you to stay alive. Start with these 3 simple reasons: 1. Because I matter. 2. Because I am loved. 3. Because I am enough.”

— Juansen Dizon, The Emergency List

melsnotebook

11•06•18

I have the worse luck. Just as I think I’m doing okay something bad happens.

Ever had someone touch you when you didn’t want them too? And you feel suffocated by their arms? You feel there feeling in places you don’t them? What do you do?

I freaked out and had no control.

So I left. But tell me how can someone get over this. I tell myself it’s no big deal, but my god is it going through my head nonstop just reminding me of the disgust I felt. Nothing happened to extreme, but their hands were still on me. Without me saying yes. I feel so disgusted. So scared. Drunk or not, you had no right to touch me the way you did.

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purplebuddhaquotes

“It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness. I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling— that really hollowed-out feeling.”

— J.K. Rowling

I think the biggest problem i have is my past, here on this app i have a long word of hurt, happiness and overcoming thoughts. I know my past is not the greatest, but whose is? Does it define me? no. Did it shape into bring better than who I was then? Absolutely. You see I’m this amateur writing her problems away because it’s what soothes her, but I’m also this young adult who has been through and knows for a fact everyone has too in their own way. The problem with my “dealing” right now is that i opened up to a person who wasn’t capable of the damage it had to them, to me, to the girl who was alone back then. So I’m stuck thinking I’m this moron who thre her life away to become an amateur of disasters. A lie life. A home mat, a home wrecker. I know I’m not any of those things, that i carry so much strength from it all. That my life has turned around and has given me a blessing who I’ll meet in a few months. Only i know what i been through, whst i has to put myself through to make it another day, to wake up and hear the yelling of my family, to seeing my baby brothers face, to seeing i now will bring a good human into this world. Sometimes we want certain people to hear us out, to understand the amount of hurt we carried for so long and how easy it was to cover it with a smile. For them to see all we needed was a good person to make us understand we are worth staying on this earth. I read things about how oriole don’t understand until they are out in your shoes, and it’s scary because what if they soon do but find it’s too late?

I opened up my dark secrets. Made my wounds open up again. Made myself cry again. For this person to see who i was, what i went through, and what i as a person had to do to survive. It was only to find out i night have just said too much and should have kept myself closed. I’ve prayed and hoped for many days that this individual will see my screams for help and comfort me, make me feel powerful again, yet now i know I’m the one who has to do it again. That in life there is never really a good when you most need it, that the need is you. She has survived what felt like hell, and she will survive some more to find herself happy again. Mistakes, regrets, are all part of life. It takes the right individual to make a difference within themselves and accept what they did to become a better human.

Its the purest moments you hold onto. The kind that spark you up from our toes to your smile. It’s like a sparkle within your darkness. The sad, Bowery part of this, is that sadness can always be a bigger impact than the happiness you carry. And that’s the scariest most dauntest feeling of them all. Brittle, shallow watered down body that showers itself in sadness, it’s like being trapped and happiness is almost our escape. Yet it manages to fade as time goes on and you realize life has a way from bringing back this heavy feeling in your mind, in your hands, heavy on your throat and oh dearest of it all on your heart. Sparkle till the ends and crumble the sadness as time goes on you’ll shine of happiness more than the darkness above you. Stay still and reliant as it will come for you sooner than it feels. We are not alone.

lazilymagnificentcollection

Courage

Courage is about being brave when you sit down to write . it’s about facing your fears and really daring to write honestly . Courage is about actually listening to your character & being its best advocate and taking the sort of authorial agenda that you might have and really setting it aside . It’s about letting your inner critic to take a hike , it’s about creating a space for you to be vulnerable and in that vulnerability , that is the moment where you’re actually gonna say something truthful & honest about what it is to be human .

But to do that you gotta be brave and really walk into that fear and go there , to know when you do , there’s gonna be this new energy in your work . You’re going to feel this certain urgency & a nervousness and kind of excited feeling that you’ve tapped into something important something truthful something other ppl need to know & yoooo here comes your inner critic that’s gonna go like …..w ww www wait ! Slow down …what are you doin ? Noooo you can’t do this you may not ..you definitely don’t publish this post ….. & That’s the exact moment when you need to be brave. That’s the moment when you say - critic - stay aside let it no more hide …

Because the truth is really uncomfortable & it peels back the layer who we are

melsnotebook

Who am I?

Close your eyes, shut your mouth, scream out loud, not for everyone to hear but for you to only hear. Tell yourself you love every inch of your body, you love who’ve you become.

Open your eyes, you are human.

A lost, confused, amazed, happy yet utterly sad human.

Who am I?

You’re what you believe to be, you’re what you tell yourself.

Nobody can take what you think of yourself, nobody. You make up what you want to feel, and say. This world is so huge so frickin’ huge that there is room for all of our different perspectives.

We’re all so indifferent, so diversed.

That’s what makes us, US.

Who am I?

Look in the mirror and you tell yourself who you are.

You are gifted.

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purplebuddhaquotes

“If you really want to live your life to the fullest and realize your greatest potential, you must be willing to run the risk of making some people mad. People may not like what you do, people may not like how you do it, but these people are not living your life. You are.”

—

purplebuddhaquotes

“There are times when I worry that I’ve already lost myself. That is, that my self is so inseparable from being with you that if we were to separate, I would no longer be. I save this thought for when I feel the darkest discontent. I never meant to depend so much on someone else.”

—

David Levithan

purplebuddhaquotes

“I am afraid of getting older. I am afraid of getting married. Spare me from cooking three meals a day—spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote. I want to be free…I want, I think, to be omniscient…”

— Sylvia Plath

purplebuddhaquotes

“I have been smashed and put back together so many times nothing works right. Nothing is where it should be, heavy thumping in my shoulder where my heart now beats.”

— Elizabeth Scott

the-real-rg

Actually sitting down and writing your novel is OUT

Fantasizing about being a famous author with a massive world wide following instead of writing is IN

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purplebuddhaquotes

“If you’re asking me if I like your company, the answer is yes. If, on the other hand, you’re asking me if I could live without you, the answer is also yes.”

—

Paulo Coelho

thepersonalquotes

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