Stay

He regretted it the moment he had said it, even if it wasn’t much at all, even if he had barely said what had happened between him and his father, completely ignoring the issues between his mother and himself, too. Barrel knew he wouldn’t press that issue any further, that it took enough to simply say that, and even then he wasn’t speaking it out simply. The details of his past with his family was something he didn’t feel the need to go into, or at least he couldn’t deal with it, not with Melody. That was in the past, he thought, and she didn’t need to know everything about a family he would never see again. He watched as she stepped closer to him, part of him hoping she’d stop, so he could take a moment to think more, but another part of him, the greater part, welcoming her closer, desperate for comfort. I know you. Did she really? Sure, he knew without doubt that she knew him better than anyone else did, allowed her to see him in ways he refused to show anyone else, but he still felt like there was so much about him she just didn’t know. Was he supposed to tell her? He couldn’t. Even hearing her say that she was sorry about what happened made him want to scream. Of course she was just being kind, being gentle as she always was with him in moments like these, but he didn’t want to think about it anymore, hated picturing her imagining what had happened, too. When she touched his face, he had no choice but to look at her and listen. Mel’s touch, as soft or as simple as it was, would always hold his full attention. “You may know me, Mel, but there are some things you just don’t. And I know you want to be hopeful about this, but no matter what you believe, there’s just no way of knowing that it’s gonna be fine.” He looked away then, but stood still and instead took one of her hands with his own, gently touching her wrist and sighing as he tried to just think, think of some type of solution, because god damn it she was trying and he certainly wasn’t. For a moment he simply kept his gaze on random items in the kitchen, considering every option possible as quickly as he could. What choice did he have? If he wanted to have Melody, if he wanted the chance to at least see what would happen with Jack, then something had to happen. “I love you, Mel, so much that sometimes it feels like it’s killing me, but I can’t see him yet.” He looked back at her. “I need to know that he won’t hate me, and I don’t mean a kid tantrum hate, I mean truly hate me, because if he already does, it’s already over.” Barrel thought over that day at the supply store, when he saw Jack rushing to Melody and how he felt, although now that it had passed, he couldn’t truly remember the feeling, but he knew he didn’t want to feel it again. “Does he know it’s me?” He asked. “I just, as hard as it is, you need to tell him and me more before I can…see him. I just can’t yet, Mel. I can’t.” 

Mel watched him as he took one of her hands, rubbing her wrist, after so many years apart even the smallest of touches of gestures were always welcomed and appreciated. She always knew she didn’t know his whole story, just like he didn’t truly know hers, but she never felt the need for it. Fearing that if she asked someone about their past they would ask the same to her, it was only fair, and she wouldn’t be ready to answer it. Mel tended to have a very carpe diem approach to life, not truly bothering with people’s past because she knew how painful it could be sometimes. She always kept her family life secret, even from Dash and Tip, they knew enough to not ask too many questions about it and just let it be. She always feared voicing her issues with her mother because she felt that it made her sounds like a spoiled child. Even if her mother had provided her with the basic needs, she was also a very cold and distant women who seemed to have a talent in finding flaws in everything Melody did. “I may not know, factually, every detail of your life. But I know you” she put a hand above his heart “What’s inside here. I understand you” Mel looked up at him ”And if someday you want to share it with me, I’ll be here for you. Always”. She sighed “That’s the only thing we have left, bear. Hope. Hope that this will figure it out” Mel tried to deter his pessimistic view of everything even if she didn’t fully believe her own words. When Barrel said he couldn’t see Jack yet, Mel nodded slowly, trying to understand in her brain how it could work, how the pieces fitted together in this puzzle. She frowned at him “He doesn’t hate you. He might hate me, of all people, but not you. I’m the one who created this whole situation. I’m the one who kept him from having a father all these years.” she sighed, looking at the ceiling “No, he doesn’t know it’s you, specifically” she paused for a moment “When I talked to him, I decided to only tell him the basic, so he had some understanding of what was going on. ‘Cause, everything happened so fast and he had no idea what was going on. I get a call one night saying Tip is in the hospital, we arrive the next day, I run into you, next thing we’re moving back here, there’s that whole thing at the bar, Dash takes him away for a while because I was acting terribly” she unloaded everything that had happened this short amount of time “I owed him some explanation, but I was also trying to... I don’t know... buy myself some time to try and sort this with you first” she looked back at him, trying explain her own thought process, as messy as it was “What do you want me to tell you?” she asked, genuinely “Maybe I can give an answer... or something. Anything”

For once, it felt like he was the one running away, at least from the conversation, running away from confronting what needed to be said. He stopped at the sink, gripping the corner of the counter as he closed his eyes, trying to piece together what the next logical step was. But how was he supposed to think logically during all of it? In what felt like a matter of days, the woman he was in love with had returned after ten years, only to also come back with a son that he didn’t know ever existed. Sure, he thought and did stupid things, that was his brand at this point, but when it came to this he knew he had to at least try and be a ‘proper adult’ or whatever the hell that meant. He sensed Mel come in behind him, and for a moment he just looked away, wondering what he was supposed to say. “How am I supposed to know what to do? To say…” he turned around to look at her, finally, still keeping his distance. “I can’t just tell you the right thing to do and you do it and magically fix everything. I don’t know what to fucking do about anything.” Barrel took a deep breath and glanced over towards the fridge, not bothering to resist the temptation as he walked over and grabbed a beer, one of the few that remained, and reached to grab an opener. He took one deep swallow before placing it down. Stop drinking, dumb ass. “I’m not trying to make all of this more difficult, I’m being honest with you, but me staying away from Jack is in his best interests, fucking trust me.” He had to tell Melody something, owed her, at least, the worries and terrors he would have had to tell her years ago. Barrel took a deep breath, knowing that it might not make sense, sound stupid, even. “I’m scared that…I’ll…hit him, I think, I’ll hurt him, and I won’t mean to, and I’ll hate myself, but it’s all I can imagine, if he says something and I just wrongly flip, and I hate myself more than you could ever imagine, but I don’t know what to do.” Barrel had never mentioned his childhood and parents much apart from to Lock and Shock, years ago, when they suffered similar patterns, but now he wasn’t sure how to make sense of it, to explain it, and weirdly, how to say it and feel like she wouldn’t judge him. Melody, of all people - for the first time he thought she might truly judge him. “It’s…it’s what my dad did, I don’t, I don’t fucking know, I don’t know anything else. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt you either.” He looked down then, slowly nodding. “And I will. I think I will.” 

When he turned to look at her she could see there was something troubling him, besides this whole situation, something deeper and she wished she could read his thoughts so she knew how she could soothe him, help him. It was unsettling to her watching him suffer and not knowing what to do, that’s why she constantly asked him what she should do. Mel silently watched as he moved to the fridge and took out a beer, as much as she wanted to drink until she reached that blissful state where she felt like she was floating on a cloud and the world was hilarious, she knew she needed to keep a straight mind. She looked up at the ceiling, avoiding looking back at him “I’m trying to find a solution but every way I think of it, the outcome is a disaster. For all of us” she fiddled with a loose thread in her sleeve. Melody felt confused with his words, she couldn’t fathom the idea that Jack would be better without him but she also knew Barrel wouldn’t say something like just on a whim, just because he felt like it. She moved closer but still keeping a distance, staying quiet. Mel leaned on the counter with her arms crossed over her chest. She watched him as he talked, she listened closely, feeling the tears in the corners or her eyes well up because she understood what he meant, it resonated deep inside her. When he seemed to have finished, Melody moved closer, placing on hand on his cheek and rubbing the skin with her thumb, she silent for a few seconds just looking up at him “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry. I wish I could make that go away. I understand you. Better than anyone. I do. But... Bear... I know you” she moved her other hand to his other cheek, to make him look at her, to make him see she meant her words “I know you. You can say that I’ve hit my head or I’m starting to develop early onset dementia or something. But I know what I say it’s true. You’re sweet and you care for people, even if you don’t show it” she told him “And my biggest regret will always be not coming back as soon as I found out, for us to do this together. You said you couldn’t forgive me for this, as you should, because I’ll never forgive myself for it. I’ll never forgive myself that you got to miss being a father, because I know you’d be an amazing one. I know it. Just like I know you two would drive me insane every single day of my life” she offered him a small smile “But in the best way possible” she added “I trust you with everything, blindly. But... you have to trust me too. Just trust me that I know that that would never happen. And that I would never let that happen. I can still kick your ass, bear” she tried to joke, Mel watched him for a few seconds before speaking up again “I love you so much, bear. And I would never let that happen, ever. You have to believe that I would never let that happen. You have to trust me” she paused for a moment, deciding her words “I understand that fear. I know it. I live it everyday. That fear that we’ll be like our parents, stuck in this infinite loop of dysfunctional parenting patterns, repeating themselves generation after generation. But we have to try”. Mel finally moved her hands from his face to rub her own tears that fell down, she took a deep breath before looking back up at him “And I’ll understand if you still want to keep your distance. I understand. But we have to try. We have to. Not just for ourselves but for him too. Especially for him”

Time. Sure, time for everything to settle, to get back as it was, time until it was all how it was supposed to be, but time could mean anything. Time could be a few weeks, months, years. Ten years had already been taken from him, both with Jack and Melody, so how much longer would it take until things were put right? Barrel kept such feelings in his brain, knowing that it would open up more wounds and things to anger him if he spoke it. Even though he knew that time was the central part to making the entire thing work, he was sick of the waiting. Ten years without her, why couldn’t it just magically go back to how it was? Hypocritical of him since he had asked to discuss Jack another time, another day, another week, but his conflicting ideas seemed to follow him through every argument. How was he supposed to have any stance on any subject matter when he didn’t truly know what he felt? “No,” he snapped, “Obviously you wouldn’t live a fucking double life, and I sure as fuck didn’t suggest that, so don’t stand there and act as though that’s what I’m doing. Matter of fact, Mel, why don’t you stop looking at me acting as though my refusal to talk about my son who I didn’t know existed until recently is the biggest load of shit you’ve ever heard. Because no matter what you say, or think, you don’t know what that’s like.” Bizarre to think that only moments ago, Cat making a further mess of the apartment was his biggest worry of the day. “Before you even say it, I know, I get it, I can’t understand either what it was like for you to be scared and alone and not come back. Alright? But you raised him, you got to do that. No matter what, he’s already ten years old, so no matter if we become close and go on family trips and live together I missed out on all of it. What are you going to do? Here Barrel, go through all the pictures, you up to date yet?” He felt that familiar urge to drink again, and when that hit him, mixed with the arguing over his son, a concept that was still so strange, he paused, feeling a lump in his throat. He remembered how father, drinking, arguing, hitting him, and a terrible thought formed in his mind. What if he was destined to become him? Barrel had always been terrified of it, but he knew that if he ever had children of his own, he’d have time to get past it, at least work through it, but now he was here, and was this how he would react to Jack? Mel said that she didn’t know what to do, and he knew that, he knew that there was no other choice but for her to try, but upon the realisation he turned away from her. “No dad is better than a shit one, Mel, and we both know I’d be a fucking terrible one.” He refused to look at her then, instead needed some space, needed to breathe, and he quickly walked out of the living room and into the kitchen to try and just breathe.

It scared her how she was starting to grow accustomed to arguing with Barrel, they never argued and now it seemed as if it was the only thing they knew how to do. Mel rubbed her temples, there was so much in her mind that was threatening to spill out of her and she couldn’t hold it in much longer. This entire situation constantly made her deepest fear, secrets and anguishes surface up and for the longest time, she’d managed to hold it in but she could feel she was reaching her breaking point. As she saw him leave into the other room Mel let her head hang down and let out a frustrated groan “Fucking hell! Fucking, motherfucking, shit! Fuck! Shit! Motherfucking fucking fuck!” she yelled out, perhaps letting out a a stream of expletives would make her feel better, she soon realized it didn’t. She sat there, staring at the space where Barrel was previously standing, feeling an urge to punch something, destroy something, she settled at punching the couch cushions a few times before letting out another groan that quickly transformed into a sob. It felt as though she had to choose between the love of her life and her son and that was a choice that she wouldn’t make. There was no easy solution. She could leave Barrel again, be miserable for the rest of her life, but that plan had a flaw, Jack already knew his father lived in this town, even if he didn’t know it was Barrel specifically and because of that simple detail, leaving again wasn’t a good idea. “Fucking bullshit” she muttered, rubbing the tears away. Melody sat there, for a few moments trying to collect her thoughts but nothing seemed to make sense in her head, everything seemed to be muddled together, blurring the lines between past and present, as memories of her fights with her mother resurfaced, her mother’s words and her promise to Jack when he was born, I’ll do right by you, she promised him on the day he was born, as he held her thumb with a strength that scared her. Melody felt like she broke her promise because all her decisions past, present and, maybe, future, seemed to make everything worst for him. Melody took a final deep breath, trying to calm herself, before following him to the kitchen. What she really wanted to do, was hug him, run her fingers through his hair and call him ‘bear’ but she decided against it, standing by the doorway, her hugging herself “Just... Tell me what to do and whatever it is, I’ll do it...” she tried to swallow the lump in her throat “Tell me what to say, I’ll say it” Mel pleaded.

He was trying his best to keep it in, hoping and praying that she would take the hint that it wasn’t the right time to talk about these things, not yet. Soon, perhaps, but not yet. Maybe I was right, he thought, she really does think it can all be rainbows and sunshine and we’ll be a picture perfect family. “So what? Am I supposed to go and see him and make everything better? Act as though I’ve known him for years? Act like I know his little quirks, the things he did when he was little, pretend that I’m not a stranger to him, act as though…” Do not say it. “I don’t know him. I don’t know I’m doing, what I’m supposed to do. I was meant to figure that out as he was growing up, when he was a baby, but now he’s just this…kid, this stranger.” Barrel grew angrier then, knocking over one of the empty beer bottles that he had yet to pick up from the table. “So I am so fucking sorry if I don’t want to discuss this right now, maybe you should have considered that.” He looked away from her and back to the bottle he had just smashed. The situation wasn’t a simple fix, it was a web of confusing strings and a puzzle to do the right thing. He watched Mel as she tried to explain it, and he knew she wasn’t a bad person in this, nor was she a bad mother. Barrel had seen what a bad mother was, and Mel certainty wasn’t it. Still, he couldn’t get rid of the anger that he hadn’t had chance to figure out how to be a parent with all the dumb mistakes from when Jack was a baby, when he would have the chance to perhaps explain to her why he was so afraid of fucking it all up. “Well you two haven’t been fine, join the club. Besides, I haven’t been around my dad for fucking years and I’m doing a lot better than before. I’m doing the kid a favour.” He took a step closer to her, knowing he had crossed his line now. His anger was evident. “I forgave you for leaving me. Deep down, i forgave you for that the second time I saw you, even if I didn’t want to admit it. But I haven’t forgiven you for this. Not yet. I don’t know how.” Barrel was terrified of a few things: one, that he would see the boy again, spend time with him, and feel no love for him, to simply feel a disconnect, two, that if he managed to sort things out, he’d act as his father did to him, and thirdly, if this entire thing wasn’t sorted, that he wouldn’t see Melody again. He loved her, so desperately, but he also knew that Jack would come first as a child rightly should, and if they couldn’t sort it, would she leave again with him? To distance himself from Jack already was a way to cope. He was scared he would feel nothing for him but what if he did, only to have Jack hate him? 

Mel ran her fingers through her hair, not really knowing what to do with her hands. She either wanted to rip her hair, punch a wall or hug tightly until this whole situation fixed itself. This whole situation was frustrating her, mostly because she couldn’t find a solution for it all. She always felt like she knew what she was doing and how to solve, and when she didn’t truly know how to handle a situation she would run away, but that already proved to not be a good strategy. Mel let out a sigh “Of course not. That would take time. I’m not that much of a fucking idiot, contrary to popular belief”, she mumbled. Mel knew things would take time, as much as she wished she could just snap her fingers and they would be a happy family, even with her vivid imagination that was sometimes was borderline delusional, she knew that wasn’t reality. That’s why she felt that it was important to talk to Barrel. It was, in a way, her acceptance that there was still a lot to deal with and to be worked through. But despite her best efforts in this situation, every time she tried to untangle this big messy situation she put everyone in, she got caught up in the web of it, sinking further and tangling herself even more. Like an anchor, always sinking, dragging everyone with her, she thought. Melody was so enveloped in her own thoughts that she barely registered the bottle falling. She stayed quiet, with her head in between her hands, fixating at a spot in the ground, trying to think of a solution for it all but everything in her mind were her mothers words, screaming at her. Jesus Melody, it’s a simple thing, why can’t you get it right? Dammit Melody, always ruining everything. Don’t you ever think? Do you have your head attached to your shoulders for what? What is wrong with you, Melody? Why don’t you ever do anything right? Don’t you ever learn? Are you that stupid? Wrong, Melody. Wrong. Wrong. Do something right for once. You never do anything right. You ruin everything. I’m doing you a favour, Melody. I’m doing this because you’re my daughter but you make it so hard for me to love you. Mel shook her head silently to herself, trying to hold back the tears from spilling. She could almost imagine her mother in the room with her,  a ghostly figure, feeling the disappointment in her eyes, looking at her from the corner of the room, with her arms crossed, shaking her head slowly See, I told you so, you never do anything right, you never listen to me. Mel snapped out of her thoughts when she felt him take a step closer. She rubbed the tears that stubbornly welled up in the corner of her eyes before looking back at him “Then what can I do? Uh? I stay here, living some kind of fucked up double life, where on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’m with you and the other days I’m with my kid, alternated weekends. Or do I just continue living here, ignoring each other, we run each other on the streets and pretend we don’t know each other. And Jack continues to hate me, to not have a father and suffering because of it, because of me” she thought back at the conversation she had with her son where he confessed that he had been bullied because of Mel’s choices. She shrugged “I don’t know. Because I can’t leave again, I don’t have a life anymore, I ruined my very last chance at a normal life” Mel thought back at the bartender job, even with all the problems inherent with it, it still felt like it had been Mel’s last hope “I’m stuck here. There’s nothing else I can do. And I’m stuck here between a son that hates me, thinks I lied to him and a...” she tried to think what was the right title for Barrel, ex-boyfriend that we kiss sometimes but also scream in each other faces? father of her son? “... uh... a you” she settled “I don’t know what to do. I’m loosing my fucking mind” she said softly.

Perhaps, he thought, she should have told him that she was coming, at least mention that this would be the topic of conversation. He glanced around the living room to distract himself, to think about something else for a just a moment. The room was still a mess, empty beer bottles still lingered on the table and across the window.pane. Barrel slowly began to clean those up whilst listening to her, hoping she wouldn’t push it too far. “We don’t have to,” he said, noticing his raised tone. He was so tired of being angry, especially with Mel, even if he wasn’t particularly angry at her, he knew he’d end up arguing with her, and after so many times he was tired of the disconnect between them. They were never like this, ever, never had such an argument like this or a dilemma. If they fought, it was soon over, they made up and said dumb jokes and that was it. “It seems right by me, kids don’t need dads, Mel. After ten years why would it be so important now?” Deep down, he knew they had to talk about it, had to at some point, but he still wanted to put it off until he at least understood what the hell he was feeling or thinking. He didn’t want those thoughts about his past to come out, because he knew how it made him sound. How could he explain all of that, all of it, and not sound like a bad person? “You told him? He knows? You told him before you came to ask me about it?” How was that fair? So now he had to? “Already making decisions when I’m not there so what’s the point in starting now…” That was harsh. Even if the entire situation with Jack was frustrating, he couldn’t look at Mel and act as though it was easy for her. He had seen how hard the entire thing had been on her, seen her cry too many times around him, but that didn’t erase the anger. “Do nothing. I don’t know, he’s been fine without me for ten years he’ll be fine the next ten, twenty, however many years. So if that’s all you came to talk about…” he shrugged, turning his back to her, trying to contain his real feelings.

“Barrel...” she breathed out, defeated “Yes we do”. It was so much easier, even for her, to just pretend that everything was fine and things would magically go back to the way they were. And for a moment they did pretend, that night after the argument, things seemed to have gone back to normal, but only for a short moment and then she was forced to confront reality. It seemed that whenever she fixed things on one end, things on the other end would unravel and make everything worst. “Yes, they do, Barrel. I already made the mistake of not letting him have a dad for too long”. She thought, for the longest time, that she’d been able to minimize the effects of not having a father, but since their conversation she realized that she didn’t know the real extent to the impact that stupid decision she made all those years ago had on her son. She looked around the room, looking for answers, looking for the right way to handle everything. Mel let her arms fall to her sides, it seemed like she’d done the wrong thing again “I didn’t-” she let out a sigh, focusing her gaze on the ground, she couldn’t look up at him. She felt like a child caught doing the wrong thing and now she was being given a sermon “I didn’t really think about it like that” she said softly “I’m sorry. I didn’t...” she covered her face with her hands and let out a groan. Mel looked back at him “But that’s exactly why we have to talk about it. I don’t want to make all the decisions. As evidence shows, I’m not reliable to make decisions by myself!” Melody wanted to tell him so much about Jack, she wanted to tell him all about the prank that he pulled on Dash, that he won the spelling bee, every small little thing, but as much as she wanted to tell him everything, Mel wanted Barrel to experience it, to see it with his own eyes. As much as she regretted leaving she mostly did because she had destroyed their possibility at a family. Mel’s mother had always managed to make her feel inadequate, even in her own family.  “No, he’s not. He’s been everything but fine these past ten years. So have I” Mel was defeated, she slumped down on the couch, not really knowing what to do or what to say “All?! I think that is already enough to talk about” her anger at this situation wasn’t geared towards him bit especially to her inability in fixing everything.

He should have known that at the mention of Cat, let alone the sight of him, that Melody would want to see the annoying creature. He was grateful for it, for once, as his awkwardness would be slightly hidden whilst Mel was distracted with babying the cat and playing with him. Barrel was never one for doing that, unless he was drunk, at least some years ago when he remembered being shown video footage of him holding sugar plum and cuddling the dog, refusing to let go for a good few hours. He snapped out of his thoughts once Mel had mentioned Dash and Jack returning. So was she going now? Was she leaving again? No, she swore she wouldn’t, but what if she had changed her mind? “It’s fine,” he said, “you don’t have to ask to show up here.” He started fiddling with his hands, reaching into his pocket to take out a cigarette only to start messing with that instead. Sometimes, after the giant argument they had had the other night, he forgot just how many years had truly passed without seeing each other. As soon as he left after staying over the night, he suddenly wasn’t sure how he should communicate. If he rang, what should he say? If he went over there again, how should be approach it? Such stupid, small things that he never had to worry about before. Barrel never got awkward, he always responded in sarcasm and never cared what anyone thought. But, he knew, that Melody wasn’t just anyone. He had walked into the living room when she mentioned Jack again, and he tensed. “Jack…” he repeated. He didn’t want to sit there and talk about his son. His son. It didn’t feel right saying that. Since he had made some progress with Mel, he knew deep down that she wasn’t lying about it. As hard as it was to admit to himself, if he was being honest he knew the second she had said it that she wasn’t lying. “I don’t want to talk about Jack,” he admitted. “I don’t want…I don’t want to argue about it.” He couldn’t argue with her again, he couldn’t stand to see her upset by his own words. They had only just started to sort things out, did they really need to do this now? Barrel had his own personal reasons for why the entire issue of Jack was simply one he couldn’t talk about yet, but Mel, even as close as they were, didn’t know all of them. 

She had always been very fond of the animal, Mel had always loved animals and as soon as she arrived to school the first thing she did was get a pet. Several pets, it started with fishes, even glow in the dark ones, then she got Leonardo and afterwards, after Steele’s birthday gift, she got Raphael, previously named Stelody. Mel would also often steal Juneau and take him to the beach. When Barrel got Cat, although she was surprised that he got a pet, she fell in love with the feline, it was often her who tended to him and made sure that the pet went to the vet and had food in the bowl. That’s what Melody always did for everyone, and everything, care for them and tend to them. And when she felt as though she was doing the opposite to the ones she loved, she decided to leave, to remove herself from their lives and keep them safe and well. Mel shrugged again “I don’t know if I should’ve…” Mel trailed off, since she came back she found herself falling into old habits that she had lost and then being hit with the realization of how much time had truly gone by. Stopping by people’s houses unannounced seemed to be one of the old habits that she couldn’t seem to shake off. Melody followed him to the living room, keeping a close eye on his reaction. When he said he didn’t want to talk about it, Mel sighed “I know…” she understood what a difficult situation she had put themselves into, but they couldn’t ignore it now and knowing when to let go of something was a skill Mel never seemed to have learnt “But… we have to.” She paused for a moment, Barrel’s silence was making her anxious, and she felt the need to fill the silence in the room with words, even if sometimes nonsensical ones. “Besides, I tried to talk to him. That was a whole other nightmare. I don’t know what to do. But I just can’t…” she sighed “I just can’t keep you two apart anymore… It isn’t right…”. She looked back at him “I don’t know what to do. What can I do?”

A part of him wished he had at least some prior notice to her showing up at his apartment, just for him to at least get rid of some rubbish that was scattered all over the place. And now, Cat was doing god knows what whilst decorating the place in small paw prints, making it even worse. Sometimes he wondered why he didn’t just hand that bastard in when he first found him as a kitten. “That was…” he sighed, “That was Cat, making even a bigger mess.” Barrel held the door open wider to let her come inside, hoping that she wasn’t put off by how much of a mess it was inside. Why was he suddenly so bothered? Melody had put up with his mess before, even though he supposed ten years later he should have perhaps managed to get a bit better. “Just be careful around the living room, if you go in there, I mean, I think there’s still some pieces of glass that I haven’t picked up.” He closed the door behind her once she was inside and took another deep breath. He was acting even more awkward than he suspected he would, but maybe it was because even after the rowing and making up, he still wasn’t entirely sure where the two of them stood. Working on it? Sure, but he also wondered if things were said in the height of all of the emotions. Perhaps part of him was wondering if she was even wanting to be with him again, instead of just saying such things after shouting at each other for far too long. Maybe, it some strange way, the arguing was easier, at least easier to say what he was really thinking. He shook that off for a moment. “You alright?” Already asked that. “I, er, meant what I said before, this place looks like shit, but I guess I’m just repeating myself…” He took a moment and looked at her. “Do you wanna talk?”

She was about to say that coming here was a mistake, turn around and leave but then he mentioned the noise was from the pet. For a split second she completely forgot about why she came in the first place and, at the mention of Cat, her eyes widened and she couldn’t help but to smile back at him “Cat?!” she quickly walked in the apartment, finally taking notice of the colourful paw prints “Cat?” she called, after a few seconds the feline trotting towards her, slightly older than she remembered but that was obvious. Mel knelt down, holding her hand out for him to smell and after he got acquainted with her, he head-butted her hand and Mel scratched behind his ears. “Aww, you’re still the cutest” he looked directly at her, with its one eye and meowed “I know. I missed you too” she smiled at the pet. She had to be honest she didn’t really listen to what Barrel had been saying, she was suddenly distracted the cat. She picked him up to look at its paws “Well aren’t you a little artist. Trying to follow someone’s footsteps. Literally.” she chuckled at her own joke, continuing to pet him “Ugh! You’re the cutest thing. He would just-” as soon as those words slipped out, she looked back to Barrel, finally taking notice of what he was saying. “Sorry. Uh, yeah...” she shrugged “I’m good. Dash and Jack are back. You?” Mel stood up, fixing her shirt. Melody bit her lip, unsure of what to say “Uh, yeah, that’s why I came here...” she paused for a second “Sorry. I should have let you know I was coming. It was rude of me to just show up at your doorstep...” Like I used to do all those years ago, she thought “... Sorry. I just-” she gestured “... I don’t know. When I came to my senses I was already at the door and then waltz in and attack you pet. I just... I missed him” But not as much as I missed you. As I missed everything. She stood there unsure of what to do. Mel looked up at him. They were never the couple who talked about deep feelings and situations, sure those conversations sometimes came up, but normally they would just tease each other and joke around. Perhaps if they were the kind to speak seriously about themselves they would have admitted their feelings for each other way sooner. Mel sighed “I think we should talk... About Jack” she thought it was best to lay all her cards on the table right away.

Ever since Mel and himself had reached some type of calmness, Barrel had soon stopped drinking, attempted to clean some of the mess that was left in his apartment, even if it still looked like he had barely touched it, and managed to go back to working at the shop without losing his mind thinking over it all. Sure, he was still thinking about it, and even though they had talked through some of it, it certainly wasn’t all magically back to normal. Even if he had stayed over with her one night, there was almost still a slight awkwardness, almost as if he was back to that teenager who didn’t know what to do or say when it came to his feelings for Melody. Still, he was calmer, more at ease with all of it, and for the moment he could take that. He was sat at his desk, sketching a possible stencil for a large back piece. Paints from his other art was plastered all over the desk, along with reference sheets, pencils, markers and practically all of his supplies. Sure, tidy the apartment just a tiny bit but leave the desk looking like shit. He hadn’t looked up, but suddenly was startled as a white figure dashed across his paints. “Oh for fuck sake you dumb ass,” he grumbled. “I don’t care if you have one eye, you can see fine out of your other one you little shit.” Cat had sprinted across the leftover paints before jumping off the other side, only to keep running as Barrel looked to see different coloured paw prints left behind. He stood up to try and catch him, only to stop as he heard a knock at the door. Sighing as he left Cat to run off into another room, he pulled open the door. Barrel was surprised to see Mel, even if they had reached some type of understanding prior. Of course he didn’t hate that she was there, even if a part of him was screaming, I’ve barely cleaned my apartment there’s still crap everywhere from when I had a tantrum. Instead he simply said, “Hey,” before coughing once. Still awkward, just a little bit. He hadn’t had any alcohol to get rid of some nerves. He waited for a moment, unsure of what to say. Truth be told, he wasn’t even entirely sure as to why he was feeling some nerves in his stomach. This was Melody, he had been kissing her not long ago, but now standing there. sober after a few days of calm, he was simply feeling awkward. “Are you alright? That’s a stupid question, ignore that. Do you…want to come inside?” What are you, twelve? He took a deep breath and shrugged. “These are all really stupid questions.” Just then, he heard a small bang come from inside of his apartment. He knew that would be paints and cups of water for said paint that Cat had just knocked over. “For fuck sake…” he mumbled. 

Mel stood there trying to collect her thoughts, how she should say everything. She tried to create a mental list of what she wanted to talk about but she already knew it was futile because she was never an organized person in her life in general, so why would she be with her problems. She started picking at her nail bed so much that it bled slightly “Shit” she mumbled under her breath trying to stop the bleeding by putting it in her mouth. Suddenly the door swung open and came face to face with him. Mel realized how she must have looked like and dropped her hand to her side, “Hey” she breathed out. She fidgeted in her spot, unsure of what to do. Melody couldn’t help but smile slightly at his awkwardness, she felt awkward too, showing up at his apartment door just like she’d done so many times before. Mel nodded at him “Yeah” she replied, to both questions even though in truth she wasn’t totally alright. She was nervous about this situation, unsure of what to do, to say or even to think. She completely forgot what the list she had been working just seconds ago. “I just-” she started to say but as she was about to step in she heard a noise coming from the apartment. Did he have someone over? Was it her? He had told her that he broke up with Eliana, but Mel didn’t really understand their relationship so she wasn’t sure. She frowned “What was that?”. She knew she didn’t have the right to be angry or jealous but she couldn’t help but have those emotions surface up, especially now that they were starting to reach an understanding.

He shook his head at her, knowing she meant what she said, and any denial of it would just mean she would keep saying it. She was stubborn, but then so was he, both of them - what a pair of stubborn fucking idiots. Every bad situation between them seemed to stem from that trait, all the way back to the denial of feelings for each other, a constant stubbornness. Barrel remembered when he was asked about it, shrugging it off as a simple ‘she’s cool’, which in reality meant ‘yeah I probably do like her, she’s fun to talk to, attractive, and I maybe wanna kiss her sometimes I don’t know? What about it?’  The moment he showed Mel his knuckles once again, he felt a sting of guilt. He barely remembered the actions that had caused the wreck in his apartment, but he knew Melody, he knew her better than anyone, and he knew she’d feel bad about the wounds. The moment she reached out to get the first aid kit, he shook his head. “Mel, no, it’s fine, it’s nothing-” But of course Melody wouldn’t listen, and he soon shut up, letting her tend to his wounds. He winced as the wipe touched his skin, but the sting was soon replaced with a soothing touch, a calm coolness against his flesh. “I don’t know…” he muttered, “Well, yeah I do, but I don’t really remember doing it. Just woke up and found the place in a mess.” As Melody tended to his hands, he watched her face while she focused on the task at hand. He simply stared, a face he had wished to see so desperately for so long, the face of the woman he was in love with, the only one he ever would be, a face he had been scared to forget, but one he knew every inch of, each mark and feature. In the time in which she was gone, he dreamt of her sometimes, sometimes more vivid, sometimes faint, but even in those dreams he knew he was dreaming. She wasn’t there with him. He kept looking at her face, studying it almost, until she kissed his knuckles and he looked down at them. They were still stinging, but soon they would heal. And so would they, he thought, the two of them, through whatever shit had happened those past few years, they would be alright. They had to be. “I can try, but I can’t promise that,” he smirked. “You know I can’t.” His smirk faded and he simply looked at her again. So close to him now, he wasn’t sure how he made it through the past ten years. He lifted his left hand to her cheek, pushing back some of the hair that lingered there before trailing his hand to her neck. He pulled her towards him, kissing her again, but for longer this time. He didn’t want to be away from her, never again. God help him if she left him again, it was an action that would surely ruin him for good.

Mel glanced up at him when he said he didn’t remember how it happened. She knew what that meant, it was like her phone but on her larger scale. She hummed, deciding against commenting on it, she knew this whole situation had been the reason behind it all. As she tended to his wounds silently, her mind kept drifting to the million ‘what ifs’ that plagued her mind constantly. She thought not only of Barrel, but also Tink, Steele, Bianca, Fauna, hell, she even thought about Flora. How much hurt she must have caused them, how many milestones she had missed, the happy moments, the sad moments, the funny moments, she wasn’t there. She simply wasn’t and it pained her. Melody had pushed them away, the people she care the most about. She felt guilty for keeping all these amazing people away from not only her life, but also Jack’s. He would have been spoiled rotten, Mel thought. Even though her reasoning for leaving was still very present in her mind, right now, holding Barrel’s hand, feeling his warmth, all her reasons seemed idiotic. If only instead of getting up and leaving I should’ve just held on to him, she thought  After she was done tending to his hands, she continued holding on to his hands, not ready to break apart from him. “Well then...” she sighed before looking up at him with a smile “I’ll always be here to help when you are an idiot”. The way he looked at her, it knocked the wind out of her and made her brain turn into mush. She could only think how lucky she was to have Barrel in her life, many others wouldn’t ever be as forgiving. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he kissed her. Bliss. Absolute bliss. And as much as she missed Dash, she was grateful of his decision to leave for a while. She pulled back, not that she wanted to, she wanted to spend the rest of the night kissing him to make up for the lost time and the whole night would still not be enough, she smiled back at him “Don’t go back to your apartment...” she said “...at least not now.” Mel played absentmindedly  with the curls on the nape of his neck “Stay here for the night. We can have a sleepover. Braid each others hair, put on face masks, gossip about the boys we have a crush on” she joked trying to diffuse the seriousness of her question and to try and stop her rational side from making a list of why this was a bad idea. It’s a good idea, she repeated to herself. But she couldn’t let go of him yet, she only got him back “Humm?” she kissed him again “What do you say?” and again. Mel pulled back slightly to study his expression, to see any hints about what was going on in his head. “Besides, apparently your apartment is a mess so...” Melody shrugged before looking up at him hopeful “... I could make you pancakes for breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes” she bit her lip to try and stop herself from grinning so widely it made her cheeks hurt. If only I had the ingredients for pumpkin pie, she thought.

You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay, she had said, but he felt as though he did owe her some sort of an apology, at least for lying to her as well as himself, for lying about hating her, for never wishing to see her again. Barrel wasn’t blind to why he had said it, he knew it was a blurt of hidden melancholy, cloaked in resentment at the act of leaving, but not her, not really. “Sweet? Kind?” He laughed gently, shaking his head. “Did you whack your head against something whilst you were gone? Or are you just losing the plot?” He brushed his thumb against her cheek, trying to not laugh again. It was strange to have been called such things, but from Melody’s lips he simply accepted it, even if those words were strange to be linked to him. Barrel closed his eyes for a moment as she said she would never again leave, repeating those words in his head. Perhaps for the minute it was just words, and he had told her he needed action to prove it, but for the moment he was content with it. “I love you, too,” he said, “you annoying ass, small, frustrating, woman. I always have, and I think you’ve known that. I hope you know that.” He took one of her hands that was holding his face, kissing her knuckles and keeping it close to him. Barrel was never one to express his true thoughts, from the platonic to the romantic, though he had never truly known what it was like to fall in love until Melody, and instead only responded with sarcasm. He kept that sarcasm, kept it tight to his chest, but for Mel he made room for deep thoughts, too, to say them out loud for once in his life. What a strange thing, he thought, to meet a girl in a fucking school of all places and not fall out of love once, all this time. Barrel laughed at her question, struck by the randomness of it. “Yeah,” he chuckled, “he is. He’s getting old but he’s fine, mainly outside now, but still just at the apartment…” Although he had mentioned the apartment moments before, it only truly struck him of the state it was in. He shifted his body slightly, “I know I just…said, about the apartment but, it’s not exactly looking the best at the minute.” She’ll probably think I just mean messy, he thought. Glancing down to his knuckles, he held them up so she could see, “I mean, it’s trashed. Completely. i fucked up.” Just like I usually do.

She rolled her eyes when he laughed at her compliments “You are” she simply repeated “No I didn’t. I’m still functioning perfectly, thank you very much” she smiled back at him. “And it doesn’t matter how much you complain about it I’ll never stop telling you that you’re sweet, because if there’s one thing I know about, it’s sweet things” she said proudly. She giggled when he called her small, annoying and frustrating, giggled, she couldn’t remember the last time she did that. For ten years Mel thought that she’d never be completely happy again in her life but, even though, there was still a lot to deal with about their relationship and everything that came from it - Jack, in particular- she allowed herself to enjoy this moment and fell happy once again. The hole she felt in her heart was starting to rebuild. Melody nodded back at him, she knew he loved her and he knew she loved him, nothing else mattered. In this moment she could almost forget that ten years had passed far away from each other, it was as if they were still teenagers, laughing through the night. Mel smiled at him as he laughed, she missed hearing his laugh, seeing him smile. when he talked about cat “I missed him. I remember him being a tiny little thing purring and complaining because someone forgot to feed him again” she raised her eyebrow when he talked about the apartment, she knew him, she knew that his apartment was never gonna be an example of tidiness, she never expected that of him because she wasn’t the tidiest person ever so she had no reason to complain. Mel had forgotten for a moment about his hands, being too caught up in the conversation and all the emotions around it, she sighed, shaking her head as she untangled herself from him and reached over to the table where the kit was from earlier “You’re an idiot” she sat back on the couch “Why would you do that?” she asked even though deep down she already knew the answer. She made herself comfortable, trying to be as close to him as she could and still be able to tend to his wounds. Mel pulled out a antiseptic wipe “This might sting” she warned before she pressed the wipe on his knuckles, trying to be as gentle as she could. She had a fair amount of experience dealing with wounds, not only her own brought on by her own clumsiness or simply dumb ideas, but now, as a mother, she was experienced in scrapped knees and elbows. Melody continued cleaning the wounds on his other hand, wrapping his knuckles with the bandage. When she was finished, she placed a gentle kiss on each hand, just like she does with Jack, as a way to seal the treatment “Just stop being an idiot”.

He had planned to just hold her hand at first, to slowly pull her towards him as to not be overwhelmed, but Melody had other ideas. But he didn’t fight it, not wanting to nor needing to, not really. Melody was quicker than he expected as she was suddenly there, right on him, wrapping her hands around him and holding tight. Barrel closed his eyes on instinct, feeling at peace for the first time in a long time, years in fact. Ever since she had left, something was off, but for the moment he was at peace, a calm wave rushed over him and he wrapped his arms around her frame, gripping perhaps too tightly. One, big deep breath came from his mouth and he took a few moments to simply stay there, holding her. “I know,” he mumbled, nodding against her head. “I know.” No matter what he still had to work through, he did believe her. Admitting that was hard, especially with everything that had happened, and not just today, but since he had seen her. The arguments, at the supply store, everything that he had caused at the bar, all of it. And for a moment that was all he could kept saying, I know, I know, I know. Both an answer and a means to comfort her. Barrel held her close still, but kissed the side of her face, as delicately as he could. For a while he still kept his eyes closed - he didn’t need to look at her for the moment. He would rather hold her, and in these instances it was as though it was years ago, holding her as he was now. With whatever mental strength he had left, he slowly pulled back to look at her face. Throughout the evening he had seen her wipe away tears, and had seen her do it every time he had seen her, and he knew he had caused some of that pain. Even if the anger overwhelmed him, he still wanted to comfort her then, but now he could. Barrel held her face between his hands, just looking at her for a moment, “I’m sorry for how I acted, all of it. I know I had a right to be angry but I know I said some…horrible things, too.” He kissed the space under her eyes a few times, hoping nothing else he did would make her upset. Maybe she was right to quickly come to him like this, maybe a part of her knew that when she was like this with him, he held no grudges. How could he? The tenseness of his muscles from his past nervousness and rage softened, his shoulders relaxed and his hands were only tense from how tightly he was holding her. “Please don’t go,” he said quietly, almost whispering. Here he was, in her place, not his, asking her to not leave, but he didn’t want her to go anywhere else that wasn’t in his arms, and his brain tripped over ideas as to why she would ask him to leave, yet he also knew he was saying this for everything in the future, to never leave again. “If Dash is going to come back, just, come with me to my apartment or something…I don’t know. Just don’t go, not yet.” Barrel’s thumb traced over her cheeks as he spoke. Well, there you go, dumb-ass, you’re a goner.

She worried she had been too quick and forwards until he wrapped his arms around her. If she would have done this ten years ago, just wrap herself in his arms, she would have never left, because how could she? How could she even dare to leave him when she was like this. Mel allowed herself to be stay that way, just hugging him, enjoyed the moment not knowing how long it would last. But when he uttered ‘I know’ she cried, once again, she was unsure why she was really crying. Maybe all the emotions that haunted her for ten years are finally being released. She looked back at him when he pulled back, she could now truly look at him. When he held her face, Mel could feel herself melting into his touch “You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay” she reassured him, moving her hands up to his face too, pushing his hair away from his face. “You’re so sweet” she said to him, a faint smile on her lips “ You’re sweet, you’re kind, and you’re beautiful” she knew those were not the words people would use to describe him, but they didn’t knew him, not like she knows. She remembered people coming up to her at school to try and make sense of him, and she would laugh and shrug, ‘that’s just Barrel’ was always her answer. She loved his unique thoughts and how it led to the most ridiculous conversations. Everyone thought that she was the only one who could understand him, but what they failed to realize was that, despite Mel’s easiness at friendships, she always felt he was the only one that truly understood and knew her. And she regretted everyday giving up that and leaving “You might not think that, but you are. You are. You’re beautiful, not just on the outside. But especially on the inside, bear” she placed her hand on his chest, above his heart. Melody closed her eyes as he kissed her face, she looked back at him when he spoke. She shook her head “No. Never: Never again” she looked back at him, thinking just how much she missed him in these ten years. How everything around her reminded her of him and she couldn’t share that with anyone. It was lonely. She smiled softly at him “I don’t really know when Dash is coming back, he’s been gone a few days but...” she trailed off, as much as she loved Dash, he wasn’t important, at least not right now. She nodded at him “I’m not going. Not now. Not ever again”. She placed a small, gentle kiss on his lips “I love you so much” she said to him when she pulled back. She just looked at him, with fondness, trying be reacquainted with the features she knows so well until a thought crossed her mind “wait. Is cat still alive?”

Watching her as she paced herself before retrieving a glass then returning to sit on the sofa, it was an effort to not interrupt her in between sentences. Barrel had asked her to explain everything, after all, so he forced himself to sit there and listen, to not make comments about specific details she had said. Instead, sitting across from her and uneasy at this new distance, he did the only thing he could: he listened. He took it all in, the start of her leaving, her life that she had formed away from here and him. Things would have been so much easier if it wasn’t for that damn kid. Sure, there would still be a lack of trust, she still would have left him, but what was he supposed to do? To forgive her for everything and then go to the kid he had seen and say hey, that asshole you saw at the art supply store? It’s me, your dad! After Melody had said her peace, he sat in silence for a few moments, trying to wrap his head around what the right thing to say was. Confused, exhausted, and simply bewildered as to where all of this was going, he started rambling himself. “When I first found that note, a part of me thought you’d come back in a day or two, hoped, really. The other parts of me knew you were gone.” Barrel nodded to himself and took one deep breath. “No matter what I say now I know that eventually I’ll forgive you, Mel. I meant it, what I said. I’m always gonna end up forgiving you. That’s just how much of a fucking idiot I am.” Forgiving her was something he knew he’d do eventually, even if that took a long time, and he knew sitting here now that she wasn’t forgiven just yet, but the yelling was becoming tiresome. All of it was. It was becoming tiresome to pace around his apartment thinking of what he could say to her, rehearsing it and then drinking when he was tired of thinking. But these were things he needed to say out loud, not just keep in. “I can’t forgive you yet, not really. I don’t know…when I will, but I know I will at some point. And to be honest with you, Mel, I need to figure this out,” he pointed at the both of them to indicate what he was talking about, “before we can truly talk about…the whole kid thing. And I know you’ve told me what happened but, it’s still ten years.” There’s a point here, somewhere there’s a point and somehow you’re getting to it. Barrel rubbed his face, took another deep breath and looked at her. “I need you to show me that you’re not going to leave, truly, before I forgive you,” he said, then, unfolded his tense palm and faced it towards her, because part of him thought she would leave again, part of him thought that the second he left this building, she’d be staying somewhere else. “Just, for a minute, please. Just for one second, if that’s all we ever have again, just come here, please.”

Melody pulled her legs up on the sofa, closer to her chest, hugging them, making herself smaller. Even though she was done talking she still felt like she hadn’t said enough, now can you summarize ten years in one monologue? They sat there in silence and although it was comforting, just his presence made her feel like the world was right again, it was also disquieting. His silence made all the little voices in her head seem so much louder. Mel kept her eyes locked on him, waiting for the moment he was done with her, get up, leave and she’d never see him again.  Ten years had passed and he was still the curly haired boy she fell in love with all those years ago during school. Sitting there, together yet so far apart, he was still her bear. All she wanted to do was hug him and hold him there until the morning would come. She just wanted to pretend, just for a moment, that ten years hadn’t passed, that she hadn’t left and they were just teenagers figuring life out. Melody finally broke her gaze when he mentioned the note “That damn note” she sighed, focusing on the edge of her jacket and started pulling the loose threads. She regretted that note, it was done hastily, without much thought, she just didn’t want him to come after her. When he said that he’d always forgive her, even though it was all she wanted to hear, she felt like she didn’t deserve it, she didn’t deserve him. She quickly rubbed the tears that threatened to spill once again. It seemed that crying was all that she did. She understood what he was saying, even she needed to deal with things  with Jack and that needed to be dealt on its own. She learnt her lesson - she couldn’t just dump information on people and hope that they’ll take it as it is. “Maybe Dashy really did have a point to go away for a few days” Mel muttered to herself. She looked up at him, wishing there was something she could show, do or say that would make him believe her that she was going to stay. Best thing you can do is just stay, she thought. Melody was still waiting for the moment when he was going to get up and leave her all alone with her thoughts in the apartment. When he faced his hand towards her she looked at it for a few seconds, trying to wrap her head around it. When her mind finally clicked that he was reaching out for her, for her to come closer, she lurched from her spot, crawling awkwardly on the couch towards him, ignoring his extended hand, she simply wrapped her arms around him, clinging as tightly as she could, burying her face in his neck. “I missed you so much, bear” she said, her voice muffled from how tightly she was holding on to him as if she let go he would disappear right in front of her. 

Sitting there, unsure as to what he had hoped to get from this visit, from her, all of it, he felt defeated. Barrel kept his gaze away from her until he could feel her take his hands away from his face, and as she knelt there in front of him, he had no choice but to look at her as she spoke to him. They had said so much to each other, but yet not enough. Ten years was a time frame he couldn’t fathom now, not with her right there in front of him, and as he listened to her, a part of him did believe her, but it was small, too small to just accept it and carry on. Before Melody came into his life, he only truly had two people: Lock and Shock. It was a strange relationship between the three of them, but with a terrible home life making its mark for each of them, they bonded over the smallest of things. So when they had begun to leave him during his days at the school, it was a strange, new experience. His uncle had left him when he was a child, too, but after he had met Melody, he managed with saying goodbye to the people in his past. Then she left, too, and even if he knew it was natural to not have the same people in your life forever, this was different. This was too much, and to even think of going through that again was simply impossible to contemplate. Barrel wouldn’t have to face that again, he refused it. Her hands were warm against his, and he wanted to kiss her knuckles, to hold her palm against his cheek and bask in the silence until the morning came and he had to leave, but those raging thoughts in his head were vicious. They would not go. “Whenever I start to believe you I just think about something else”, he said, keeping his hands still and resisting the urge to do something with them, to hold her hand back, anything. “And let’s just say we handle all of this shit, that doesn’t change the fact that you have a son. A son, Mel.” He slowly pulled his hands away from hers. “And whichever way I think about it…the two ideas going through my head, none of them is making me feel any better. Because to me, all I can consider is that he’s either not mine, which means now all I can picture is you sleeping with someone else and then deciding to leave after you find out that you’re…” he couldn’t finish that sentence. It felt bizarre to say. “And then on the…unlikely side that he’s mine, all I can think is that you decided I would be a shit father.” He looked away from her then, nodding to himself more than anyone else. Surely if her son was his, too, then she would have come back when she found out. Barrel gazed back at her, anger now forming on his face. “I don’t have anywhere else to be tonight, unless you do, and in that case go on. Go fucking on. Start from the beginning. I want to know. All of it. Everything. I don’t care how long this takes.”

She couldn’t help but feel hope blossom inside her chest at his words only for it to come crashing down. We have a son. We. She wanted to correct him. But when she heard his two ideas about what he thought happened, her heart dropped, that was never what she intended, that never even crossed her mind. When he asked her to explain Mel nodded at him. “Okay” she said before moving to the kitchen to bring another glass. She refilled hers and lit a cigarette. Melody sat at the other end of the couch, opposite to him “I tried to get as far away as I could. I wanted Canada. But I couldn’t go because of some documentation bullshit. So I settled for a small town near the border. Probably like 500 people. I don’t know. People don’t really settle there” she shrugged taking another drag “I got a room in a motel, got a job as a waitress in a diner. It was owned by a couple, Roger and Betsy” Melody took a drag “I found out a month after I arrived. A month-ish. I thought I had to take a decision I didn’t want to take. I mean... I was living in a motel, working as a waitress, how could I raise a kid?” She took a deep breath “Betsy took me under her wing. She helped me. I should’ve come back then. I know I should’ve” she looked up at him, before taking a drag, flicking the ash into the ashtray “But I thought... I thought no one wanted me. Like I was in everyone’s way. And so... I decided to deal with everything on my own” Melody took a sip of her drink, she cursed her own stupidity “I went to live with Betsy and Roger. They had a spare room that was their son’s. Betsy became the mother I never had. She helped me with everything. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. Fuck, I still don’t. And she helped me a lot and I never got to repay her” Mel wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes “People help me all the time and all I-” she tried to bite down her tears. Melody took in a shaky breath “Anyway. Um...” she took a drag and tried to follow her own train of thought “I didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour. Didn’t want to bother anyone else anymore than I already have. On Halloween. Right on fucking Halloween” she shook her head, taking another sip of her drink “I was so alone and so scared. And all I wanted was for you to be there. But then, they placed this tiny little thing on my arms and I-” despite everything that had happened, her baby was still the best thing that happened to her. “His name is Jack” She looked up at him “Because of Halloween. I thought I was so clever” Melody took one last drag looking around the room. “It felt like it was too late for me to come back. Almost a year had gone by. I felt like I couldn’t come back” she fiddled with her jacket zipper, unable to look up at him. “I felt as though no one wanted me. So...” She took another sip of her drink “I had lost all my contacts. In a fit of... I don’t know what... I threw my cellphone out the window. It might still be in some fucking random field in Maine. I tried to come back. Three times, I think. But I get panic attacks, I have a fear of flying because of my mother...” Melody trailed of, she didn’t want to open the ‘mother’ drawer and all her demons fly out of there. She took a deep breath “Anyway, ten years. I continued to live in Roger and Betsy’s home until... now. Basically. They died a few years ago. Roger first and then Betsy. I continued at the diner. Their son is now the manager, he’s a fucking asshole, but...” Melody shrugged “Jack’s really good at school. He’s on the honor roll. He likes to paint, that’s why we were...” she trailed off. Melody paused for a moment, before continuing “It was never easy. It became easier. I had a routine and the days would blur together. But it was never easy” Melody took one last sip of her drink “I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me” She looked up at him “But I’ll never forgive myself. For what I did to you, Dash, Jack, or everyone”.

As soon as Melody had mentioned that she should have drowned, he snapped. How could she be so blind? How could she stand there and still, after all this time, think in such a way about herself and say such a thing there, in front of him? Whatever Barrel had said previously during the height of their argument was simply an attempt to shout something that would sting. He would never truly imagine her dead, never, the thought was too disturbing, too hard to contemplate. “Don’t, don’t fucking say shit like that,” he snapped. “Is that because I said…what I said, before? About you being dead? I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of that shit, don’t say anything about you…don’t say stuff like that!” Barrel wanted to yell about all of it, to claim that her hurting, her dying would be the death of him, too, but after everything he had said, no doubt hurting her, too, it would seem hypocritical. What could Melody do to make up for it? He knew the simple answer, to just stay. To not leave, but how could he trust her to simply do that? As Barrel stayed close, keeping his hands on her face, he felt a need to pull away, to step back. Once he had kissed her, it felt as though she hadn’t been gone at all, as if, for one moment, it didn’t matter. In those few moments, she could have done anything to him, to hit him or scream at him, he would have allowed it, but then what did that make him? One kiss and he knew he’d be hurt again, if she just left, how could he trust she’d ever come back? Melody had held his wrists, and as Barrel tried to pull his hands back, he stopped once he touched her hands with his. “I don’t know if I can do it, Mel,” he said, knowing he should at least step back a bit at least, but his feet remained still. “Every time you go, I’m just gonna think that it’s the last time I’ll see you again. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust…” Still holding her hand he pulled them to his chest, but then he had to look away from her. It was so easy for her to keep him here, he wondered if she knew just how simple it was. And now he wasn’t helping himself either, wondering if he should try harder to pull away, but what if, he thought, this is the last time I can hold her? Can touch her at all? With one deep breath he yanked his hands away, taking a few steps back to try and breathe for a few moments. Shouldn’t have kissed her, should not have kissed her. “Sorry isn’t enough, you’re right, it sure fucking isn’t.” He was channelling his sadness and want to just stop and hold her into anger instead, the only thing he truly knew how to do. “And you can stand there, and say how hard it was for you but you have no idea what it was like for me. You don’t. You have no idea what it was like, waiting for you, wondering what I did wrong and..” He still couldn’t look at her. “Yeah, sure,” he said, shrugging, “maybe my life plans shouldn’t have been solely based on you, maybe that’s not fucking healthy or whatever, but in case you haven’t noticed, my life hasn’t been a string of perfect choices either.” He was tired, and he walked over to the sofa, sitting down and covering his face. What was the right answer, here? What was the right thing to do? Walk away? Stay? He wanted to kiss her again, he couldn’t leave. Deep down he knew he wouldn’t be leaving here unless she forced him.

“No, no, no, no” Mel wished she could swallow up the words but that seemed to be a recurring problem for her, saying stuff and then immediately regretting it and wishing she could pull them back. She rolled her eyes at herself and buried her face in her hands letting out a groan “It’s not what you said. It’s what’s always on my mind. Always has been”. Melody could only look up at him as a feeling of guilt pooled in her heart. He didn’t trust her anymore. But she couldn’t blame him, she didn’t trust herself anymore either. She could feel the tears surface again and she tried her hardest to held them back. When he pulled her hands closer to his chest she sprawled her hand over his heart, hoping that maybe she could reach his heart and mend the damage that she made this way. Mel didn’t know what to say to him, words weren’t enough. How could she tell him how much she had missed him, how she was never going to leave, never again, she was decided on it. But the voice in her head told her that she never kept her promises. How hypocritical of her. Always talking big on promises and she’s the one who breaks them. Repeatedly. As soon as his hands left her she missed him, she needed him, she glanced at her empty hands for a second before looking back at him. Melody wrapped her arms around herself to stop herself from reaching out to him again and just holding him, touching him, anything. Even if to the outside viewer it didn’t look like much but Mel was trying to make everything better and she was trying to understand what her friends must have felt with her leaving but, in all honesty, she tried not to dwell on it too much because if she did she would fall down a black hole and the thoughts, the thoughts that Barrel had told her not to say would come back to the surface. She watched him slump down on the couch and covering his face. She moved closer to him, kneeling down on the floor in front of him. Mel reached out to hold his hands to make him look at her “I don’t know how it was. I can only imagine and I- “ she took a deep breath, rubbing his hands with her thumbs as she held them for the moment “And I know that whatever I say isn’t enough. It will never be enough. But... I’m not going to leave again. I can’t” she looked up at him “Actions speak louder than words. I know. And the only thing left for me to do is simply not go. And I wont. I’ll never leave you again, bear”.