"Oh, you say you hate me now,
And you burn me with your words
Callin' me a fool
Saying that I've fucked up
Everything, and you'll never forgive me
Though I'm doin' this for you"
He regretted it the moment he had said it, even if it wasnât much at all, even if he had barely said what had happened between him and his father, completely ignoring the issues between his mother and himself, too. Barrel knew he wouldnât press that issue any further, that it took enough to simply say that, and even then he wasnât speaking it out simply. The details of his past with his family was something he didnât feel the need to go into, or at least he couldnât deal with it, not with Melody. That was in the past, he thought, and she didnât need to know everything about a family he would never see again. He watched as she stepped closer to him, part of him hoping sheâd stop, so he could take a moment to think more, but another part of him, the greater part, welcoming her closer, desperate for comfort. I know you. Did she really? Sure, he knew without doubt that she knew him better than anyone else did, allowed her to see him in ways he refused to show anyone else, but he still felt like there was so much about him she just didnât know. Was he supposed to tell her? He couldnât. Even hearing her say that she was sorry about what happened made him want to scream. Of course she was just being kind, being gentle as she always was with him in moments like these, but he didnât want to think about it anymore, hated picturing her imagining what had happened, too. When she touched his face, he had no choice but to look at her and listen. Melâs touch, as soft or as simple as it was, would always hold his full attention. âYou may know me, Mel, but there are some things you just donât. And I know you want to be hopeful about this, but no matter what you believe, thereâs just no way of knowing that itâs gonna be fine.â He looked away then, but stood still and instead took one of her hands with his own, gently touching her wrist and sighing as he tried to just think, think of some type of solution, because god damn it she was trying and he certainly wasnât. For a moment he simply kept his gaze on random items in the kitchen, considering every option possible as quickly as he could. What choice did he have? If he wanted to have Melody, if he wanted the chance to at least see what would happen with Jack, then something had to happen. âI love you, Mel, so much that sometimes it feels like itâs killing me, but I canât see him yet.â He looked back at her. âI need to know that he wonât hate me, and I donât mean a kid tantrum hate, I mean truly hate me, because if he already does, itâs already over.â Barrel thought over that day at the supply store, when he saw Jack rushing to Melody and how he felt, although now that it had passed, he couldnât truly remember the feeling, but he knew he didnât want to feel it again. âDoes he know itâs me?â He asked. âI just, as hard as it is, you need to tell him and me more before I canâŚsee him. I just canât yet, Mel. I canât.âÂ
Mel watched him as he took one of her hands, rubbing her wrist, after so many years apart even the smallest of touches of gestures were always welcomed and appreciated. She always knew she didnât know his whole story, just like he didnât truly know hers, but she never felt the need for it. Fearing that if she asked someone about their past they would ask the same to her, it was only fair, and she wouldnât be ready to answer it. Mel tended to have a very carpe diem approach to life, not truly bothering with peopleâs past because she knew how painful it could be sometimes. She always kept her family life secret, even from Dash and Tip, they knew enough to not ask too many questions about it and just let it be. She always feared voicing her issues with her mother because she felt that it made her sounds like a spoiled child. Even if her mother had provided her with the basic needs, she was also a very cold and distant women who seemed to have a talent in finding flaws in everything Melody did. âI may not know, factually, every detail of your life. But I know youâ she put a hand above his heart âWhatâs inside here. I understand youâ Mel looked up at him âAnd if someday you want to share it with me, Iâll be here for you. Alwaysâ. She sighed âThatâs the only thing we have left, bear. Hope. Hope that this will figure it outâ Mel tried to deter his pessimistic view of everything even if she didnât fully believe her own words. When Barrel said he couldnât see Jack yet, Mel nodded slowly, trying to understand in her brain how it could work, how the pieces fitted together in this puzzle. She frowned at him âHe doesnât hate you. He might hate me, of all people, but not you. Iâm the one who created this whole situation. Iâm the one who kept him from having a father all these years.â she sighed, looking at the ceiling âNo, he doesnât know itâs you, specificallyâ she paused for a moment âWhen I talked to him, I decided to only tell him the basic, so he had some understanding of what was going on. âCause, everything happened so fast and he had no idea what was going on. I get a call one night saying Tip is in the hospital, we arrive the next day, I run into you, next thing weâre moving back here, thereâs that whole thing at the bar, Dash takes him away for a while because I was acting terriblyâ she unloaded everything that had happened this short amount of time âI owed him some explanation, but I was also trying to... I donât know... buy myself some time to try and sort this with you firstâ she looked back at him, trying explain her own thought process, as messy as it was âWhat do you want me to tell you?â she asked, genuinely âMaybe I can give an answer... or something. Anythingâ
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For once, it felt like he was the one running away, at least from the conversation, running away from confronting what needed to be said. He stopped at the sink, gripping the corner of the counter as he closed his eyes, trying to piece together what the next logical step was. But how was he supposed to think logically during all of it? In what felt like a matter of days, the woman he was in love with had returned after ten years, only to also come back with a son that he didnât know ever existed. Sure, he thought and did stupid things, that was his brand at this point, but when it came to this he knew he had to at least try and be a âproper adultâ or whatever the hell that meant. He sensed Mel come in behind him, and for a moment he just looked away, wondering what he was supposed to say. âHow am I supposed to know what to do? To sayâŚâ he turned around to look at her, finally, still keeping his distance. âI canât just tell you the right thing to do and you do it and magically fix everything. I donât know what to fucking do about anything.â Barrel took a deep breath and glanced over towards the fridge, not bothering to resist the temptation as he walked over and grabbed a beer, one of the few that remained, and reached to grab an opener. He took one deep swallow before placing it down. Stop drinking, dumb ass. âIâm not trying to make all of this more difficult, Iâm being honest with you, but me staying away from Jack is in his best interests, fucking trust me.â He had to tell Melody something, owed her, at least, the worries and terrors he would have had to tell her years ago. Barrel took a deep breath, knowing that it might not make sense, sound stupid, even. âIâm scared thatâŚIâllâŚhit him, I think, Iâll hurt him, and I wonât mean to, and Iâll hate myself, but itâs all I can imagine, if he says something and I just wrongly flip, and I hate myself more than you could ever imagine, but I donât know what to do.â Barrel had never mentioned his childhood and parents much apart from to Lock and Shock, years ago, when they suffered similar patterns, but now he wasnât sure how to make sense of it, to explain it, and weirdly, how to say it and feel like she wouldnât judge him. Melody, of all people - for the first time he thought she might truly judge him. âItâsâŚitâs what my dad did, I donât, I donât fucking know, I donât know anything else. I donât want to hurt him. I donât want to hurt you either.â He looked down then, slowly nodding. âAnd I will. I think I will.âÂ
When he turned to look at her she could see there was something troubling him, besides this whole situation, something deeper and she wished she could read his thoughts so she knew how she could soothe him, help him. It was unsettling to her watching him suffer and not knowing what to do, thatâs why she constantly asked him what she should do. Mel silently watched as he moved to the fridge and took out a beer, as much as she wanted to drink until she reached that blissful state where she felt like she was floating on a cloud and the world was hilarious, she knew she needed to keep a straight mind. She looked up at the ceiling, avoiding looking back at him âIâm trying to find a solution but every way I think of it, the outcome is a disaster. For all of usâ she fiddled with a loose thread in her sleeve. Melody felt confused with his words, she couldnât fathom the idea that Jack would be better without him but she also knew Barrel wouldnât say something like just on a whim, just because he felt like it. She moved closer but still keeping a distance, staying quiet. Mel leaned on the counter with her arms crossed over her chest. She watched him as he talked, she listened closely, feeling the tears in the corners or her eyes well up because she understood what he meant, it resonated deep inside her. When he seemed to have finished, Melody moved closer, placing on hand on his cheek and rubbing the skin with her thumb, she silent for a few seconds just looking up at him âIâm sorry you had to go through that. Iâm sorry. I wish I could make that go away. I understand you. Better than anyone. I do. But... Bear... I know youâ she moved her other hand to his other cheek, to make him look at her, to make him see she meant her words âI know you. You can say that Iâve hit my head or Iâm starting to develop early onset dementia or something. But I know what I say itâs true. Youâre sweet and you care for people, even if you donât show itâ she told him âAnd my biggest regret will always be not coming back as soon as I found out, for us to do this together. You said you couldnât forgive me for this, as you should, because Iâll never forgive myself for it. Iâll never forgive myself that you got to miss being a father, because I know youâd be an amazing one. I know it. Just like I know you two would drive me insane every single day of my lifeâ she offered him a small smile âBut in the best way possibleâ she added âI trust you with everything, blindly. But... you have to trust me too. Just trust me that I know that that would never happen. And that I would never let that happen. I can still kick your ass, bearâ she tried to joke, Mel watched him for a few seconds before speaking up again âI love you so much, bear. And I would never let that happen, ever. You have to believe that I would never let that happen. You have to trust meâ she paused for a moment, deciding her words âI understand that fear. I know it. I live it everyday. That fear that weâll be like our parents, stuck in this infinite loop of dysfunctional parenting patterns, repeating themselves generation after generation. But we have to tryâ. Mel finally moved her hands from his face to rub her own tears that fell down, she took a deep breath before looking back up at him âAnd Iâll understand if you still want to keep your distance. I understand. But we have to try. We have to. Not just for ourselves but for him too. Especially for himâ
Time. Sure, time for everything to settle, to get back as it was, time until it was all how it was supposed to be, but time could mean anything. Time could be a few weeks, months, years. Ten years had already been taken from him, both with Jack and Melody, so how much longer would it take until things were put right? Barrel kept such feelings in his brain, knowing that it would open up more wounds and things to anger him if he spoke it. Even though he knew that time was the central part to making the entire thing work, he was sick of the waiting. Ten years without her, why couldnât it just magically go back to how it was? Hypocritical of him since he had asked to discuss Jack another time, another day, another week, but his conflicting ideas seemed to follow him through every argument. How was he supposed to have any stance on any subject matter when he didnât truly know what he felt? âNo,â he snapped, âObviously you wouldnât live a fucking double life, and I sure as fuck didnât suggest that, so donât stand there and act as though thatâs what Iâm doing. Matter of fact, Mel, why donât you stop looking at me acting as though my refusal to talk about my son who I didnât know existed until recently is the biggest load of shit youâve ever heard. Because no matter what you say, or think, you donât know what thatâs like.â Bizarre to think that only moments ago, Cat making a further mess of the apartment was his biggest worry of the day. âBefore you even say it, I know, I get it, I canât understand either what it was like for you to be scared and alone and not come back. Alright? But you raised him, you got to do that. No matter what, heâs already ten years old, so no matter if we become close and go on family trips and live together I missed out on all of it. What are you going to do? Here Barrel, go through all the pictures, you up to date yet?â He felt that familiar urge to drink again, and when that hit him, mixed with the arguing over his son, a concept that was still so strange, he paused, feeling a lump in his throat. He remembered how father, drinking, arguing, hitting him, and a terrible thought formed in his mind. What if he was destined to become him? Barrel had always been terrified of it, but he knew that if he ever had children of his own, heâd have time to get past it, at least work through it, but now he was here, and was this how he would react to Jack? Mel said that she didnât know what to do, and he knew that, he knew that there was no other choice but for her to try, but upon the realisation he turned away from her. âNo dad is better than a shit one, Mel, and we both know Iâd be a fucking terrible one.â He refused to look at her then, instead needed some space, needed to breathe, and he quickly walked out of the living room and into the kitchen to try and just breathe.
It scared her how she was starting to grow accustomed to arguing with Barrel, they never argued and now it seemed as if it was the only thing they knew how to do. Mel rubbed her temples, there was so much in her mind that was threatening to spill out of her and she couldnât hold it in much longer. This entire situation constantly made her deepest fear, secrets and anguishes surface up and for the longest time, sheâd managed to hold it in but she could feel she was reaching her breaking point. As she saw him leave into the other room Mel let her head hang down and let out a frustrated groan âFucking hell! Fucking, motherfucking, shit! Fuck! Shit! Motherfucking fucking fuck!â she yelled out, perhaps letting out a a stream of expletives would make her feel better, she soon realized it didnât. She sat there, staring at the space where Barrel was previously standing, feeling an urge to punch something, destroy something, she settled at punching the couch cushions a few times before letting out another groan that quickly transformed into a sob. It felt as though she had to choose between the love of her life and her son and that was a choice that she wouldnât make. There was no easy solution. She could leave Barrel again, be miserable for the rest of her life, but that plan had a flaw, Jack already knew his father lived in this town, even if he didnât know it was Barrel specifically and because of that simple detail, leaving again wasnât a good idea. âFucking bullshitâ she muttered, rubbing the tears away. Melody sat there, for a few moments trying to collect her thoughts but nothing seemed to make sense in her head, everything seemed to be muddled together, blurring the lines between past and present, as memories of her fights with her mother resurfaced, her motherâs words and her promise to Jack when he was born, Iâll do right by you, she promised him on the day he was born, as he held her thumb with a strength that scared her. Melody felt like she broke her promise because all her decisions past, present and, maybe, future, seemed to make everything worst for him. Melody took a final deep breath, trying to calm herself, before following him to the kitchen. What she really wanted to do, was hug him, run her fingers through his hair and call him âbearâ but she decided against it, standing by the doorway, her hugging herself âJust... Tell me what to do and whatever it is, Iâll do it...â she tried to swallow the lump in her throat âTell me what to say, Iâll say itâ Mel pleaded.
He was trying his best to keep it in, hoping and praying that she would take the hint that it wasnât the right time to talk about these things, not yet. Soon, perhaps, but not yet. Maybe I was right, he thought, she really does think it can all be rainbows and sunshine and weâll be a picture perfect family. âSo what? Am I supposed to go and see him and make everything better? Act as though Iâve known him for years? Act like I know his little quirks, the things he did when he was little, pretend that Iâm not a stranger to him, act as thoughâŚâ Do not say it. âI donât know him. I donât know Iâm doing, what Iâm supposed to do. I was meant to figure that out as he was growing up, when he was a baby, but now heâs just thisâŚkid, this stranger.â Barrel grew angrier then, knocking over one of the empty beer bottles that he had yet to pick up from the table. âSo I am so fucking sorry if I donât want to discuss this right now, maybe you should have considered that.â He looked away from her and back to the bottle he had just smashed. The situation wasnât a simple fix, it was a web of confusing strings and a puzzle to do the right thing. He watched Mel as she tried to explain it, and he knew she wasnât a bad person in this, nor was she a bad mother. Barrel had seen what a bad mother was, and Mel certainty wasnât it. Still, he couldnât get rid of the anger that he hadnât had chance to figure out how to be a parent with all the dumb mistakes from when Jack was a baby, when he would have the chance to perhaps explain to her why he was so afraid of fucking it all up. âWell you two havenât been fine, join the club. Besides, I havenât been around my dad for fucking years and Iâm doing a lot better than before. Iâm doing the kid a favour.â He took a step closer to her, knowing he had crossed his line now. His anger was evident. âI forgave you for leaving me. Deep down, i forgave you for that the second time I saw you, even if I didnât want to admit it. But I havenât forgiven you for this. Not yet. I donât know how.â Barrel was terrified of a few things: one, that he would see the boy again, spend time with him, and feel no love for him, to simply feel a disconnect, two, that if he managed to sort things out, heâd act as his father did to him, and thirdly, if this entire thing wasnât sorted, that he wouldnât see Melody again. He loved her, so desperately, but he also knew that Jack would come first as a child rightly should, and if they couldnât sort it, would she leave again with him? To distance himself from Jack already was a way to cope. He was scared he would feel nothing for him but what if he did, only to have Jack hate him?Â
Mel ran her fingers through her hair, not really knowing what to do with her hands. She either wanted to rip her hair, punch a wall or hug tightly until this whole situation fixed itself. This whole situation was frustrating her, mostly because she couldnât find a solution for it all. She always felt like she knew what she was doing and how to solve, and when she didnât truly know how to handle a situation she would run away, but that already proved to not be a good strategy. Mel let out a sigh âOf course not. That would take time. Iâm not that much of a fucking idiot, contrary to popular beliefâ, she mumbled. Mel knew things would take time, as much as she wished she could just snap her fingers and they would be a happy family, even with her vivid imagination that was sometimes was borderline delusional, she knew that wasnât reality. Thatâs why she felt that it was important to talk to Barrel. It was, in a way, her acceptance that there was still a lot to deal with and to be worked through. But despite her best efforts in this situation, every time she tried to untangle this big messy situation she put everyone in, she got caught up in the web of it, sinking further and tangling herself even more. Like an anchor, always sinking, dragging everyone with her, she thought. Melody was so enveloped in her own thoughts that she barely registered the bottle falling. She stayed quiet, with her head in between her hands, fixating at a spot in the ground, trying to think of a solution for it all but everything in her mind were her mothers words, screaming at her. Jesus Melody, itâs a simple thing, why canât you get it right? Dammit Melody, always ruining everything. Donât you ever think? Do you have your head attached to your shoulders for what? What is wrong with you, Melody? Why donât you ever do anything right? Donât you ever learn? Are you that stupid? Wrong, Melody. Wrong. Wrong. Do something right for once. You never do anything right. You ruin everything. Iâm doing you a favour, Melody. Iâm doing this because youâre my daughter but you make it so hard for me to love you. Mel shook her head silently to herself, trying to hold back the tears from spilling. She could almost imagine her mother in the room with her, a ghostly figure, feeling the disappointment in her eyes, looking at her from the corner of the room, with her arms crossed, shaking her head slowly See, I told you so, you never do anything right, you never listen to me. Mel snapped out of her thoughts when she felt him take a step closer. She rubbed the tears that stubbornly welled up in the corner of her eyes before looking back at him âThen what can I do? Uh? I stay here, living some kind of fucked up double life, where on Monday, Wednesday and Friday Iâm with you and the other days Iâm with my kid, alternated weekends. Or do I just continue living here, ignoring each other, we run each other on the streets and pretend we donât know each other. And Jack continues to hate me, to not have a father and suffering because of it, because of meâ she thought back at the conversation she had with her son where he confessed that he had been bullied because of Melâs choices. She shrugged âI donât know. Because I canât leave again, I donât have a life anymore, I ruined my very last chance at a normal lifeâ Mel thought back at the bartender job, even with all the problems inherent with it, it still felt like it had been Melâs last hope âIâm stuck here. Thereâs nothing else I can do. And Iâm stuck here between a son that hates me, thinks I lied to him and a...â she tried to think what was the right title for Barrel, ex-boyfriend that we kiss sometimes but also scream in each other faces? father of her son? â... uh... a youâ she settled âI donât know what to do. Iâm loosing my fucking mindâ she said softly.
Perhaps, he thought, she should have told him that she was coming, at least mention that this would be the topic of conversation. He glanced around the living room to distract himself, to think about something else for a just a moment. The room was still a mess, empty beer bottles still lingered on the table and across the window.pane. Barrel slowly began to clean those up whilst listening to her, hoping she wouldnât push it too far. âWe donât have to,â he said, noticing his raised tone. He was so tired of being angry, especially with Mel, even if he wasnât particularly angry at her, he knew heâd end up arguing with her, and after so many times he was tired of the disconnect between them. They were never like this, ever, never had such an argument like this or a dilemma. If they fought, it was soon over, they made up and said dumb jokes and that was it. âIt seems right by me, kids donât need dads, Mel. After ten years why would it be so important now?â Deep down, he knew they had to talk about it, had to at some point, but he still wanted to put it off until he at least understood what the hell he was feeling or thinking. He didnât want those thoughts about his past to come out, because he knew how it made him sound. How could he explain all of that, all of it, and not sound like a bad person? âYou told him? He knows? You told him before you came to ask me about it?â How was that fair? So now he had to? âAlready making decisions when Iâm not there so whatâs the point in starting nowâŚâ That was harsh. Even if the entire situation with Jack was frustrating, he couldnât look at Mel and act as though it was easy for her. He had seen how hard the entire thing had been on her, seen her cry too many times around him, but that didnât erase the anger. âDo nothing. I donât know, heâs been fine without me for ten years heâll be fine the next ten, twenty, however many years. So if thatâs all you came to talk aboutâŚâ he shrugged, turning his back to her, trying to contain his real feelings.
âBarrel...â she breathed out, defeated âYes we doâ. It was so much easier, even for her, to just pretend that everything was fine and things would magically go back to the way they were. And for a moment they did pretend, that night after the argument, things seemed to have gone back to normal, but only for a short moment and then she was forced to confront reality. It seemed that whenever she fixed things on one end, things on the other end would unravel and make everything worst. âYes, they do, Barrel. I already made the mistake of not letting him have a dad for too longâ. She thought, for the longest time, that sheâd been able to minimize the effects of not having a father, but since their conversation she realized that she didnât know the real extent to the impact that stupid decision she made all those years ago had on her son. She looked around the room, looking for answers, looking for the right way to handle everything. Mel let her arms fall to her sides, it seemed like sheâd done the wrong thing again âI didnât-â she let out a sigh, focusing her gaze on the ground, she couldnât look up at him. She felt like a child caught doing the wrong thing and now she was being given a sermon âI didnât really think about it like thatâ she said softly âIâm sorry. I didnât...â she covered her face with her hands and let out a groan. Mel looked back at him âBut thatâs exactly why we have to talk about it. I donât want to make all the decisions. As evidence shows, Iâm not reliable to make decisions by myself!â Melody wanted to tell him so much about Jack, she wanted to tell him all about the prank that he pulled on Dash, that he won the spelling bee, every small little thing, but as much as she wanted to tell him everything, Mel wanted Barrel to experience it, to see it with his own eyes. As much as she regretted leaving she mostly did because she had destroyed their possibility at a family. Melâs mother had always managed to make her feel inadequate, even in her own family. âNo, heâs not. Heâs been everything but fine these past ten years. So have Iâ Mel was defeated, she slumped down on the couch, not really knowing what to do or what to say âAll?! I think that is already enough to talk aboutâ her anger at this situation wasnât geared towards him bit especially to her inability in fixing everything.
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He should have known that at the mention of Cat, let alone the sight of him, that Melody would want to see the annoying creature. He was grateful for it, for once, as his awkwardness would be slightly hidden whilst Mel was distracted with babying the cat and playing with him. Barrel was never one for doing that, unless he was drunk, at least some years ago when he remembered being shown video footage of him holding sugar plum and cuddling the dog, refusing to let go for a good few hours. He snapped out of his thoughts once Mel had mentioned Dash and Jack returning. So was she going now? Was she leaving again? No, she swore she wouldnât, but what if she had changed her mind? âItâs fine,â he said, âyou donât have to ask to show up here.â He started fiddling with his hands, reaching into his pocket to take out a cigarette only to start messing with that instead. Sometimes, after the giant argument they had had the other night, he forgot just how many years had truly passed without seeing each other. As soon as he left after staying over the night, he suddenly wasnât sure how he should communicate. If he rang, what should he say? If he went over there again, how should be approach it? Such stupid, small things that he never had to worry about before. Barrel never got awkward, he always responded in sarcasm and never cared what anyone thought. But, he knew, that Melody wasnât just anyone. He had walked into the living room when she mentioned Jack again, and he tensed. âJackâŚâ he repeated. He didnât want to sit there and talk about his son. His son. It didnât feel right saying that. Since he had made some progress with Mel, he knew deep down that she wasnât lying about it. As hard as it was to admit to himself, if he was being honest he knew the second she had said it that she wasnât lying. âI donât want to talk about Jack,â he admitted. âI donât wantâŚI donât want to argue about it.â He couldnât argue with her again, he couldnât stand to see her upset by his own words. They had only just started to sort things out, did they really need to do this now? Barrel had his own personal reasons for why the entire issue of Jack was simply one he couldnât talk about yet, but Mel, even as close as they were, didnât know all of them.Â
She had always been very fond of the animal, Mel had always loved animals and as soon as she arrived to school the first thing she did was get a pet. Several pets, it started with fishes, even glow in the dark ones, then she got Leonardo and afterwards, after Steeleâs birthday gift, she got Raphael, previously named Stelody. Mel would also often steal Juneau and take him to the beach. When Barrel got Cat, although she was surprised that he got a pet, she fell in love with the feline, it was often her who tended to him and made sure that the pet went to the vet and had food in the bowl. Thatâs what Melody always did for everyone, and everything, care for them and tend to them. And when she felt as though she was doing the opposite to the ones she loved, she decided to leave, to remove herself from their lives and keep them safe and well. Mel shrugged again âI donât know if I shouldâveâŚâ Mel trailed off, since she came back she found herself falling into old habits that she had lost and then being hit with the realization of how much time had truly gone by. Stopping by peopleâs houses unannounced seemed to be one of the old habits that she couldnât seem to shake off. Melody followed him to the living room, keeping a close eye on his reaction. When he said he didnât want to talk about it, Mel sighed âI knowâŚâ she understood what a difficult situation she had put themselves into, but they couldnât ignore it now and knowing when to let go of something was a skill Mel never seemed to have learnt âBut⌠we have to.â She paused for a moment, Barrelâs silence was making her anxious, and she felt the need to fill the silence in the room with words, even if sometimes nonsensical ones. âBesides, I tried to talk to him. That was a whole other nightmare. I donât know what to do. But I just canâtâŚâ she sighed âI just canât keep you two apart anymore⌠It isnât rightâŚâ. She looked back at him âI donât know what to do. What can I do?â
A part of him wished he had at least some prior notice to her showing up at his apartment, just for him to at least get rid of some rubbish that was scattered all over the place. And now, Cat was doing god knows what whilst decorating the place in small paw prints, making it even worse. Sometimes he wondered why he didnât just hand that bastard in when he first found him as a kitten. âThat wasâŚâ he sighed, âThat was Cat, making even a bigger mess.â Barrel held the door open wider to let her come inside, hoping that she wasnât put off by how much of a mess it was inside. Why was he suddenly so bothered? Melody had put up with his mess before, even though he supposed ten years later he should have perhaps managed to get a bit better. âJust be careful around the living room, if you go in there, I mean, I think thereâs still some pieces of glass that I havenât picked up.â He closed the door behind her once she was inside and took another deep breath. He was acting even more awkward than he suspected he would, but maybe it was because even after the rowing and making up, he still wasnât entirely sure where the two of them stood. Working on it? Sure, but he also wondered if things were said in the height of all of the emotions. Perhaps part of him was wondering if she was even wanting to be with him again, instead of just saying such things after shouting at each other for far too long. Maybe, it some strange way, the arguing was easier, at least easier to say what he was really thinking. He shook that off for a moment. âYou alright?â Already asked that. âI, er, meant what I said before, this place looks like shit, but I guess Iâm just repeating myselfâŚâ He took a moment and looked at her. âDo you wanna talk?â
She was about to say that coming here was a mistake, turn around and leave but then he mentioned the noise was from the pet. For a split second she completely forgot about why she came in the first place and, at the mention of Cat, her eyes widened and she couldnât help but to smile back at him âCat?!â she quickly walked in the apartment, finally taking notice of the colourful paw prints âCat?â she called, after a few seconds the feline trotting towards her, slightly older than she remembered but that was obvious. Mel knelt down, holding her hand out for him to smell and after he got acquainted with her, he head-butted her hand and Mel scratched behind his ears. âAww, youâre still the cutestâ he looked directly at her, with its one eye and meowed âI know. I missed you tooâ she smiled at the pet. She had to be honest she didnât really listen to what Barrel had been saying, she was suddenly distracted the cat. She picked him up to look at its paws âWell arenât you a little artist. Trying to follow someoneâs footsteps. Literally.â she chuckled at her own joke, continuing to pet him âUgh! Youâre the cutest thing. He would just-â as soon as those words slipped out, she looked back to Barrel, finally taking notice of what he was saying. âSorry. Uh, yeah...â she shrugged âIâm good. Dash and Jack are back. You?â Mel stood up, fixing her shirt. Melody bit her lip, unsure of what to say âUh, yeah, thatâs why I came here...â she paused for a second âSorry. I should have let you know I was coming. It was rude of me to just show up at your doorstep...â Like I used to do all those years ago, she thought â... Sorry. I just-â she gestured â... I donât know. When I came to my senses I was already at the door and then waltz in and attack you pet. I just... I missed himâ But not as much as I missed you. As I missed everything. She stood there unsure of what to do. Mel looked up at him. They were never the couple who talked about deep feelings and situations, sure those conversations sometimes came up, but normally they would just tease each other and joke around. Perhaps if they were the kind to speak seriously about themselves they would have admitted their feelings for each other way sooner. Mel sighed âI think we should talk... About Jackâ she thought it was best to lay all her cards on the table right away.
Ever since Mel and himself had reached some type of calmness, Barrel had soon stopped drinking, attempted to clean some of the mess that was left in his apartment, even if it still looked like he had barely touched it, and managed to go back to working at the shop without losing his mind thinking over it all. Sure, he was still thinking about it, and even though they had talked through some of it, it certainly wasnât all magically back to normal. Even if he had stayed over with her one night, there was almost still a slight awkwardness, almost as if he was back to that teenager who didnât know what to do or say when it came to his feelings for Melody. Still, he was calmer, more at ease with all of it, and for the moment he could take that. He was sat at his desk, sketching a possible stencil for a large back piece. Paints from his other art was plastered all over the desk, along with reference sheets, pencils, markers and practically all of his supplies. Sure, tidy the apartment just a tiny bit but leave the desk looking like shit. He hadnât looked up, but suddenly was startled as a white figure dashed across his paints. âOh for fuck sake you dumb ass,â he grumbled. âI donât care if you have one eye, you can see fine out of your other one you little shit.â Cat had sprinted across the leftover paints before jumping off the other side, only to keep running as Barrel looked to see different coloured paw prints left behind. He stood up to try and catch him, only to stop as he heard a knock at the door. Sighing as he left Cat to run off into another room, he pulled open the door. Barrel was surprised to see Mel, even if they had reached some type of understanding prior. Of course he didnât hate that she was there, even if a part of him was screaming, Iâve barely cleaned my apartment thereâs still crap everywhere from when I had a tantrum. Instead he simply said, âHey,â before coughing once. Still awkward, just a little bit. He hadnât had any alcohol to get rid of some nerves. He waited for a moment, unsure of what to say. Truth be told, he wasnât even entirely sure as to why he was feeling some nerves in his stomach. This was Melody, he had been kissing her not long ago, but now standing there. sober after a few days of calm, he was simply feeling awkward. âAre you alright? Thatâs a stupid question, ignore that. Do youâŚwant to come inside?â What are you, twelve? He took a deep breath and shrugged. âThese are all really stupid questions.â Just then, he heard a small bang come from inside of his apartment. He knew that would be paints and cups of water for said paint that Cat had just knocked over. âFor fuck sakeâŚâ he mumbled.Â
Mel stood there trying to collect her thoughts, how she should say everything. She tried to create a mental list of what she wanted to talk about but she already knew it was futile because she was never an organized person in her life in general, so why would she be with her problems. She started picking at her nail bed so much that it bled slightly âShitâ she mumbled under her breath trying to stop the bleeding by putting it in her mouth. Suddenly the door swung open and came face to face with him. Mel realized how she must have looked like and dropped her hand to her side, âHeyâ she breathed out. She fidgeted in her spot, unsure of what to do. Melody couldnât help but smile slightly at his awkwardness, she felt awkward too, showing up at his apartment door just like sheâd done so many times before. Mel nodded at him âYeahâ she replied, to both questions even though in truth she wasnât totally alright. She was nervous about this situation, unsure of what to do, to say or even to think. She completely forgot what the list she had been working just seconds ago. âI just-â she started to say but as she was about to step in she heard a noise coming from the apartment. Did he have someone over? Was it her? He had told her that he broke up with Eliana, but Mel didnât really understand their relationship so she wasnât sure. She frowned âWhat was that?â. She knew she didnât have the right to be angry or jealous but she couldnât help but have those emotions surface up, especially now that they were starting to reach an understanding.
Even though Jack wasnât completely avoiding her, he wasnât exactly wanting to spend time with her either. Most of the time they spent together was also with Dash, who acted as a mediator between the two, keeping everyone sane. Dash continued to be her support system, she didnât knew what sheâd done to deserve his friendship, or any of the friendship she had, and then pushed away. She had missed him so much in those days apart it was killing her not being able to be with him like before. They were always close, they had to be, they got each other. Even though now they spent their time together, physically, Mel felt like there was rift between them, emotionally, one that she created herself. Ever since he was born, she always thought of how she should address the Barrel situation to Jack and she kept avoiding dealing with it, until he asked her about it and she replied with a vague explanation, avoiding any kind of explanation. But now that they were settling into town, she knew she couldnât continue to sweep this issue under the rug and pretend that it didnât matter. It was wishful thinking that when she would tell Jack the truth about Barrel, he would accept it no matter what, no questions asked. Even with Barrel, she understood that this was something that took time to think about, process. But, sooner or later they needed to discuss Jack, they couldnât continue dancing around the subject, hoping that itâll all fall into place. And besides, she couldnât keep them apart anymore, it wasnât right, not know that they knew of the truth of it Melody decided that she needed to figure out this whole situation they couldnât drag this on forever. Making her way to his apartment it felt weird, although familiar in equal measures â weirdly familiar. As Mel stood there in front of his apartment door, she thought that she should have sent him a message letting him know she was coming around. She knocked on the door, biting her nails waiting for his answer.
Melody searched around for her keys, she was getting ready to go out grocery shopping. Her diet couldnât consist of alcohol, cigarettes and the occasional diner food, that wasnât healthy, even she knew it and besides, since things were starting to fall into place with Barrel she wanted to treat him to a pumpkin pie. Her phone started to ring, she had been hoping for so long that it would make a sound that now that it did, she just stared at it in disbelief. She snapped out of her trance and picked it up. Dashy, the caller ID read. She pressed the screen to answer the call as fast as she could. âMel?â he asked, he sounded concerned and reluctant at the same time. Her heart dropped, something must have happened âItâs me. Did- Did something happen?â she asked, feeling herself getting even more anxious by the second. âYesâ he answered âNoâ he quickly corrected himself. âNothing bad happened. Jack´s great, heâs still sleepingâ Melody let out a sigh of relief âI just havenât been able to call youâ. Melody hummed in agreement âYeah⌠I noticed that. I just thought you were still mad at me. So, I thought it was best not to botherâ she explained why she didnât contact him either. âNo, noâ he rushed to say âNothing like that. Itâs that son of yoursâ. Melody frowned âWhat do you mean? Has he been giving you too much work?â. Dash let out a laugh âNo heâs great! Itâs just-â Dash laughed again. âWhat?â she asked confused. âItâs just that he switched all my contacts number around and Iâve been trying to find your number for daysâ. It took a while for Melody to understand what he meant âWaitâŚâ as the pieces in her brain connected, she let out a laugh. âYouâre telling me, Jack pranked you?â she laughed again. Melody could hear Dash laughing, not as loud as she was, âYes, he really is your kid, no test requiredâ. After she was done laughing, a smile continued plastered on her face. âHe had my phone on the car ride here. I thought he was playing some games to entertain himself. But when I sent a text to the number that I thought it was yours, I realized how wrong I wasâ Dash explained her sons masterplan. Melody shook her head âWhat was the name that he put on my number?â she had to ask. If her son was anything like her, or him, he would put her number down as something completely unsuspicious. âDominoâs pizzaâ Dash answered. Bingo, the apple doesnât fall far from the tree. Melody laughed again, he was already following their footsteps.
âWeâre planning on coming back tomorrow, is that okay?â Dash asked. Melody looked around the apartment, besides a tidying up, she was ready for them âYeah. I miss you two so muchâ. Dash hummed in agreement âGoodâ a short pause âSo howâs everythingâŚâ he trailed off, knowing Mel would understand him. She sighed âWeâre working on it. Weâre trying toâŚâ she searched for the right words â⌠to figure everything out. Itâs a lot. Itâs ten years. Ten years and a kidâ she said. Dash sighed âI knowâ. Melody rubbed her forehead with her free hand âBut weâre trying, we talked, he spent the night the other dayâ if it was a thing, Mel could hear him raise his eyebrows âWeâre trying not to rush things. Actions speak louder than wordsâ she sighed. âAnd about Jack?â Dash asked, it was a fair question, but Mel didnât have a sure answer for it. âIâm trying⌠baby stepsâ she scoffed at the irony of her words âI blurted everything out the first time and that was a mistakeâ Melody paced around the room. âUnderstatement of the yearâ Dash quipped. âYeah. I knowâ she sighed âSo, now Iâm trying to take things slow. Not rush into thing. Seemed to have worked the first timeâ she muttered thinking how long it took for the both of them to finally admit they had feelings for each other and how long it took them to make their relationship official. Dash let out a small laugh âThatâs good, Mel. Well, Iâm going to take him fishing to day and he should be waking up soon, so I should get goingâ. Melody missed them so much she almost started crying, again âYeah, thank you for helping me with himâ.
âAnything for my godsonâ.
âHeâs not-â Mel stopped herself from correcting him. If everything had gone right, he would have been one of the godparents. Dash and Tink. She was sure about that. âHave a safe trip back. I need my two boysâ she said finally grabbing her keys. âSee you tomorrow, starfishâ Dash said before ending the call.
Melody spent her time leading up to their arrival cleaning up and cooking to make sure that theyâd feel welcomed. She was eager to see them, she missed them so much. And she did admit that it was a good decision to take Jack out of this environment as Mel figured everything out, she missed him terribly and being alone made her feel worst. Melody was watching tv, waiting for them when the apartment door opened, before she could even say a word, she caught sight of Dash carrying Jack. âHe fell asleep on the car. Didnât have the heart to wake him upâ he whispered. Melody nodded, with a smile on her face. Very carefully, Dash tried to pull Jack from his arms and pass him to Melody. He was getting too big to be carried around, but he was still her baby and she knew she wouldnât have much time left before he was a teenager full of angst who didnât want to be smothered by his mother â like she once was. Jack stirred awake from being passed to Mel, he opened one eye, still struggling with sleep âMomâ he simply said before hugging her tightly and resting his head on her shoulder âI missed you, pumpkinâ she whispered to him as she carried him to her bedroom, she felt him nodding in her shoulder as a way to say he missed her too. Melody sat there at the edge of the bed, stroking his curls as he drifted back to sleep again. After a while, of simply sitting there watching him sleep, she carefully slipped out of the room back to the living room where Dash was sitting, waiting for her with two mugs of hot chocolate. âThanks, Dashy but-â he raised a hand to stop her âNon-negotiableâ she slumped on the couch next to him. Dash turned his body towards her, he stayed silent for a moment as if deciding on what to say âYou know⌠Whenâs heâs quiet and thoughtful, heâs him. 100%. No denyingâ Mel smiled gently at him âbut when he sees something that isnât right or starts talking about something he loves. Heâs you, Mel.â Melody looked down at her lap, feeling a bit overwhelmed by what he was saying âHeâs got your passion, fierceness and, unfortunately, your impulsiveness. Punch first, ask second. But thereâs also something he has in common with you twoâ Melody frowned at him, curious about what he meant âHeâs mischievous. Like you two. You can see a little sparkle in his eyes when heâs scheming something. And as we found out, heâs a good pranksterâ She couldnât help but let out a quiet laugh at that. She knew too well what he meant. Dash gave her a little pat on the knee âWeâre watching The Princess Brideâ Mel scrunched up her nose âAgain?â she had endured many nights of the princess bride and recently, one failed attempt at watching it. Dash shrugged âI love happy endingsâ. I hope thereâs one in this story, Mel thought. They sat in silence watching the movie, but Melody could see Dash glancing back at her occasionally. âWhat?â she asked him, taking a sip from her hot chocolate. âMaybe you two are like movieâ he said, shrugging. Melody raised an eyebrow at him, not understanding his point. He turned to her âYou see, itâs like this. You left, right?â Melody nodded at him, trying to follow his train of thought âSo youâre like Westleyâ. She placed her now empty mug back on the table and turned to him âIf Iâm Westley, then Barrel would be Buttercupâ she couldnât help but giggle at the image in her head - Barrel instead of his curls with long blonde hair. âAnd which one are you?â Mel asked. Dash sat up straight, cleared his throat and looked at her âMy name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to dieâ he performed the iconic line from the movie, striking a dramatic pose in the last sentence and mimicking the accent, like he had rehearsed this a thousand times, and this was his time to shine.
The day after they arrived, Mel had decided, she was going to sit Jack down and talk to him. Try her best to explain to him what was happening and she knew the best place to have this conversation. Melody caught him alone in the living room, watching cartoons. Mel sat next to him âHey, what if we went to the beach?â His eyes lit up and he nodded enthusiastically âGood! Go put on your shoes and weâll go right away, pumpkinâ she didnât even need to finish her sentence before he was darting off to her room to get ready. Melody grabbed all the items she needed, including some polaroidâs that she had kept aside to show him, when the time came, perhaps the time was today. He came back running âReady!â he said before dutifully zipping up his jacket. Melody drove them to the beach, as soon as she parked her car Jack took off running not even closing the car door on his side âJa-â she tried to say but he was already too far away, she sighed walking over to the passenger side of the car and closing it. Jack went running straight to the sand, still with his shoes on, too eager to see the waves âCareful!â Melody yelled out, he looked back at her and for a moment it struck her how much they looked alike. She knew it, since the moment he was born but occasionally, she still felt like the wind knocked out of her by how truly similar they were. Mel picked a spot in the sand and sat there, keeping a close eye on him and trying to make sense her thoughts, about how she should address this to him. He came back to her after a few minutes, sitting beside her, Mel reached over and wrapped one arm around him, rubbing his arm, trying to keep him warm. âI wanted to talk to you about somethingâ Mel finally said after a few moments in silence, he looked up at her with a frown âWhat?â he started fiddling with some seashells he picked up by the shore. âYou remember what I always told you about your father?â Mel asked cautiously, he nodded âThat you were far away when you found out about meâ she nodded at his answer, confirming it. âYeah. But I feel like its time for me to tell you a little bit about him. What do you think?â he shrugged, continuing to play around with the shells, trying to see which ones fit together. âWell, we met in school. It wasnât a good school. It was a boarding schoolâ he looked up at her, surprised, she had never told him this part âI was there because my mother sent me for bad behavior. But, anyway⌠We met there, started talking more and more until we realized we had feelings for each otherâ he scrunched his nose at her, Mel laughed at it âOkay, I get it. Anyway, we liked it each other, a lot. And, after a long time, we started dating-â
âIs this getting somewhere?â Jack interrupted. Mel nodded at him âYeah, we dated for a long time. We loved each other every much. But we got into trouble. A big trouble. We got arrested. And it was my faultâ he frowned at that âHow?â
âWellâŚâ she started, not sure how to explain that a silly feud with a former teacher made her commit a felony âWe broke into a store to teach someone a lessonâ. He looked so surprised at that statement that his eyebrows were so far up, that his curls covered them âSo⌠I felt bad for dragging him into this that I decided to leaveâ Mel explained the best she could âAnd when I found out I was having you I was already too far awayâ. He nodded and stayed silent for a moment before looking up at her âWhy are you telling me this now?â. Melody let out a deep breath âWell⌠he lives here. I used to live here. He still lives here. And wellâŚâ she searched for the words âWeâre trying to work things out andâŚâ. He suddenly got up âSo you lied to me?â he accused her, Mel shook her head âNo, no, noâ she tried to say âYou knew all this time! I had a dad and you kept him from meâ she could only sit there and shake her head furiously. She could see in his face that he was angry at her âNo! You did. I couldâve had a dad and you kept that from me!â Mel didnât even get a chance to say a word before he was already running away towards the city âFuckâ she let out trying to get up as fast as possible before running up to catch up with him, Why did he get my running away tendencies, she thought. Melody ran after him, managing to catch up quickly enough before he disappeared into the streets. âNo! Stop!â She managed to grab him by the arm, but he twisted his body to not look at her and that sight broke her heart, her own son refusing to even glance at her âI didnât lie to youâ Mel said to him. âYou omitted it from me. Itâs the same thing!â Even though he was with his face turned from her she knew he was crying. Melâs heart dropped âIâm sorry pump-â she couldnât even finish the words before he interrupted her âNo! No! Donât call me that!â he yelled at her yanking his arm from her hold. He didnât run away from her, but he continued with his back turned to her and she could see his shoulders shaking âOkay, letâs go homeâ she said, defeated. They spent the whole journey back silently, him looking out the window, not even glancing at her once. As soon as she parked in front of her building he got out, slamming the door shut with such strength that even made Mel flinch. Before she even left the car he had already rushed his way into the building. When Mel arrived at the apartment she was greeted with a bewildered looking Dash, she let out a sigh before breaking down in tears âI donât know what to doâ she sobbed covering her face with her hands, she felt Dashâs arms around her in an instant, gently rubbing her back. Melody sobbed into his shoulder, after a while Dash pulled away to look at her âWhat happened?â he asked softly. Mel rubbed the tears away with her palm âI tried to talk to him about Barrel and heâŚâ another sob escaped her â⌠he said I lied to him. But I didnât. I didnât lie to him. I didnât lieâ Mel repeated more to herself, starting to doubt her own truth. âI didnât lie to him, Dashâ she said in between sobs, Dash hugged her again, gently stroking her hair.
After a few moments just hugging her, Dash pulled back slightly âYou should talk to himâ Mel opened her mouth to object, to say that he doesnât want to talk to her, but Dash gave her a look that made her shut her mouth âI know I only spent a couple of days with him, and heâs your son. But I know you. And you should- you have to talk to him nowâ Melody nodded, rubbing the tears away and taking in a deep breath to prepare herself. âOh! One more thingâ Dash said, searching on the back pocket of his jeans, he pulled out her seashell locket that she threw in a fit of anger. He placed it on her palm, and she squeezed it tight, feeling the tear surfacing up again. Mel knocked on her bedroom door, creaking as she opened it. He was sitting in the ground, fiddling with the seashells and in that moment, she truly understood what Dash said about him being a mix of the two of them. She quietly sat beside him. âTalk to me. Say whatâs on your mind. Anythingâ she pleaded softly, she wanted to understand his side, she knew it was also difficult for him to hear this news. âI couldâve had a father. And kids wouldnât had made fun of meâ he muttered, still refusing to look at her. Melody was taken aback âWait. They made fun of you? Why didnât you tell me?â he had never told her anything about that, the teachers never mentioned anything at the meetings, for her it wasnât an issue, he had a good father figure in Roger even if it was for a short time âIt doesnât matter nowâ he muttered âYes it does. I couldâve-â Jack interrupted her âIt doesnât matter. You lied to me! I didnât have to be the weird kid who doesnât have a dad. The one that on Fatherâs Day has to write a card to his mom. But you kept that from me and you lied!â He finally looked back at her and she could see anger in his eyes but most importantly, sadness. Mel could only remember how Barrel looked at her that way too. âI didnâtâŚâ she tried to say âHiding something from someone is lying too!â his voice rose a little bit, he slouched. A few tears spilled and she rushed to dry them âYouâre rightâ Mel simply said. She pulled him to her lap, he didnât offer resistance, she just hugged him, resting her head on his hair âIâm sorry, babyâ Melody placed a kiss in the top of his head, tightening her embrace âIâm so sorryâ. They stayed in that position for a while âDo you want to ask me anything?â she offered. He stayed quiet for a while âWhy did you leave?â
âI thought I was going the right thingâ
âWere you?â
âNoâ she answered honestly. They continued silent for a while, until he pulled back slightly to look at her. She could see that he had been crying, she rubbed his tears away with her thumb âWhy didnât you come back until now?â he asked her. Melody sighed âI felt like it was too lateâ it was the truth, she shouldâve come back sooner, but she felt like it was already too late and her friends didnât want her around anymore. He nodded âWas it?â Jack asked her, trying to make sense of everything. âNoâ she replied, knowing how insane everything sounded, but that was her reality now. He nodded, she was unsure if he truly understood or if he was simply dropping the matter, but he fell back into her embrace and hugged her back. She knew that there was still a lot to discuss, and this matter wouldnât be easily resolved but, in that moment, she just wanted to hug her son.
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Melody was already late for Jackâs big debut on the soccer team, it was his first time playing and Mel was cursing everyone for having to work a shift on that same day and now, some dumbass who didnât know how to drive was going to slowly even the middle-aged women doing their routines walks were faster. Just as she parked, Melody got out of her car as fast as she could, making sure to lock it before running to the bleachers. She scanned the field trying to spot him in the middle of the group of kids. Mel eventually found him sitting in the bench, she frowned at that. He was sure he was going to be playing this game, the coach had told him specifically. She remembered how excited he was to play for the first time, how heâd been running around the house telling her all about the tricks he learnt. She sat in the first vacant spot she could find watching the rest of the game. When the game ended, she bolted out of her seat towards him. âHey pumpkin, why werenât you playing?â he simply shrugged, but she could tell he was defeated. She always refrained from doing certain things out of fear of looking like a overly protective mom. Like those moms where their kids could do no wrong. Mel didnât want to be that mom. But seeing her son so unhappy, a feeling of anger mixed with adrenaline made her walk up straight to the coach. âHey! Why didnât Jack play? He was told he was playing today. What gives?â she tried to control her words âWell⌠I-â he stumbled over his words, she noticed he kept glancing back at another mother. âSpit it out man!â she snapped at him âWell⌠Karen mentioned that since heâs always late for practice it wouldnât be fair for the other kids if he got to playâ he said sheepishly.Â
Melâs heart dropped, âHeâs only late because I have a late shift on the diner. I told you about that, you said it was fine!â her voice raised a little bit more than she had hoped for, she was distraught, she tried her best but being a single parent who had to work double in the diner to be able to pay the bills also meant less time available for him. Whenever he had practice, heâd go to the diner, get changed in the employeeâs bathroom, do his homework in his favourite spot while he waited for her and then she would drive as fast as she could to get to the practice at a reasonable-ish time. âYeah⌠But KarenâŚâ he started, Mel stared at him in disbelief. âFine, dickheadâ. She turned to leave, guiding Jack back to her car. âMaybe next game!â she heard him say behind her, Melody resisted the urge to hold her middle finger up to him. Once they were inside the car, she let out a groan. âIâm sorry pumpkinâ, he shrugged âItâs okay. I donât really like soccer that muchâ she knew he was lying to make her feel better, she sighed defeated âNo, itâs not okay, Jack. You were really excited about itâ Mel reasoned with him, not only was he excited to play in the game, but she was really excited to watch him. She felt hopeless, the manager never helped her with the shifts, she was always the one who had to do everything for everybody, and she was the one with the kid. But she knew the manager was simply making her life harder as a revenge on her for making it very clear that she would never sleep with him, he didnât handle that rejection well. âWhat if we go get waffles?â she asked, trying to give him something nice, his face lit up at that and smiled back at him, ruffling his hair.
She sat in the back of the room, mostly because sheâd arrived late and there were no other seats left. âSo next on the list, Halloweenâ Melody sat straighter in her seat, she knew Halloween, she almost an expert. Almost. She saw a hand raise in the front row, the other mother, Karen, who raised her hand got up âI donât think we should celebrate that nasty holidayâ. Melody rolled her eyes, sighing so loudly that the other woman next to her glanced at her. Why did these moms have to make up problems with holidays, was their life really that boring that they had nothing better to do than to imagine possible ways to make everyone elseâs lives just as miserable as theirs. âItâs based on pagan ideologies, promotes violence and vandalism and I donât think thatâs a good example to set for our kids. Besides, it undermines all the values Iâm sure we have all been teaching our childrenâ she looked around the room, why did it seem like she looked at Melody for a second too long as a way to send a message. âI mean really, we teach our babies to not take candy from strangers and then we turn around and say âthis is an exceptionââ she laughed, and the other moms joined in the most collective fake laugh ever. Mel sat slumped on her chair, with her arms crossed against her chest. âWhoâs in favour with me, raise your handâ everyone in the room raised their hands except Melody who simply decided to get up and leave. âUh, Melody?â she heard as she headed to the door, she turned around to look at who had called her, Karen was looking back at her with the most patronizing smile she had ever seen. âHuh?â she hummed, not really bothering with words. She had never liked these women, they reminded her too much of her mother, sheâd only agreed to go to these meetings because she wanted what was bet for Jack and because they said it was school policy to go to these meetings. Since Melody was the youngest of the group and, to top it all off, a single working mother, they thought they had special power over her to judge her every move. âYou still in for the bake sale?â Karen asked. Melody nodded âYupâ she needed to get out of that room quickly before she went on a rant about all these women.
Mel had only agreed to the bake sale because she knew it was something she could excel at. She spent the whole night, because it was her only free time, baking cookies, muffins and brownies, the standard. She arrived at the bake sale after putting an all-nighter, she smiled politely at the other women as she gently placed the boxes on the table. Mel sensed a person standing right beside her, she took a breath for a moment trying to mentally prepare herself before looking up at the woman. âSo⌠what did you bring?â she asked, with a fake smile and a fake cheeriness in her tone. âUh⌠Cookies, muffins and brownies. All homemadeâ Mel had heard that store bought was frowned upon but that didnât really bother Mel, she enjoyed baking even if sometimes it brought up some sad memories. âOh! Great!â she said, but Mel could sense that she wasnât going to stop at that âDo they have any nuts in them?â Mel shook her head, she knew that nut allergy was a common thing and she didnât want to risk it. âDo they have gluten in it?â she asked, Mel frowned at that âYes, of course, the-â Mel was starting to explain it when the fake pained expression in the other womanâs face made her stop âOh, no. Itâs that Gwenâs kids canât eat gluten. Theyâre intolerantâ she said, with a patronizing look in her face that made Mel want to punch her in the face. âWell, they can just-â she started to say but the other woman interrupted her âMaybe you should take these backâ she nodded at Mel, placing a hand on Melâs back, guiding to the door. Mel stood there, with her mouth open completely shocked at that reaction. After a few seconds, she snapped back into reality âFineâ she said grabbing the boxes. She walked fast towards the door, trying to make it out of there as fast as she could before the tears spilled, she would not give these women the satisfaction of seeing that they hurt her. She placed the boxes on the passenger side of her car. She started to sob, alone, in her car. Why do I always do everything wrong, she thought.
They sat at the table together in silence, whilst he worked on his homework, Mel was busy trying to figure out her bills and if she would have enough money left to buy him a toy for his birthday. Last year she had failed completely, the shower broke and the money she had set aside had to be spent on it. So, she snatched a box of crayons a family left behind. He pretended that he didnât notice that they were already slightly used. She wanted to be a good mother, she worked hard for it, she had tried every possible thing and still it never seemed like she was doing it right. She caught him glancing at her a few times but when she looked over at him, he would pretend to be focused. After he did it again, she let go of the paper in front to her âWhy you keep looking at me like that?â she asked him, Jack shrugged âI wasnât-â he mumbled, trying to see if he could get away with it. Mel simply raised an eyebrow at him âOkayâŚâ he finally gave in, he fidgeted in his seat for a moment âWhy havenât I met my dad?â he asked. His question shocked Melody, for a second she could only sit there gaping at him, she had so many thoughts going through her mind. âWell⌠hum⌠I decided to come live here before I knew I was going to have youâ it was the truth, leaving out some slightly big details. âAnd⌠I donât really know where he is right nowâ she said, hoping that it would discourage him from any more questions. He paused for a moment, thinking about what she had told him âDid you like him?â he asked, in a softer voice almost afraid to even ask that question. Melody looked at him, at time it seemed she was simply looking at a smaller version of him, âI did. Very muchâ she said to him, wiping a bit of cookie crumbs that were still on his cheek. He nodded, focusing again on his homework possibly sensing that she didnât want to discuss it that much. Smart boy, she thought relieved.
He shook his head at her, knowing she meant what she said, and any denial of it would just mean she would keep saying it. She was stubborn, but then so was he, both of them - what a pair of stubborn fucking idiots. Every bad situation between them seemed to stem from that trait, all the way back to the denial of feelings for each other, a constant stubbornness. Barrel remembered when he was asked about it, shrugging it off as a simple âsheâs coolâ, which in reality meant âyeah I probably do like her, sheâs fun to talk to, attractive, and I maybe wanna kiss her sometimes I donât know? What about it?â The moment he showed Mel his knuckles once again, he felt a sting of guilt. He barely remembered the actions that had caused the wreck in his apartment, but he knew Melody, he knew her better than anyone, and he knew sheâd feel bad about the wounds. The moment she reached out to get the first aid kit, he shook his head. âMel, no, itâs fine, itâs nothing-â But of course Melody wouldnât listen, and he soon shut up, letting her tend to his wounds. He winced as the wipe touched his skin, but the sting was soon replaced with a soothing touch, a calm coolness against his flesh. âI donât knowâŚâ he muttered, âWell, yeah I do, but I donât really remember doing it. Just woke up and found the place in a mess.â As Melody tended to his hands, he watched her face while she focused on the task at hand. He simply stared, a face he had wished to see so desperately for so long, the face of the woman he was in love with, the only one he ever would be, a face he had been scared to forget, but one he knew every inch of, each mark and feature. In the time in which she was gone, he dreamt of her sometimes, sometimes more vivid, sometimes faint, but even in those dreams he knew he was dreaming. She wasnât there with him. He kept looking at her face, studying it almost, until she kissed his knuckles and he looked down at them. They were still stinging, but soon they would heal. And so would they, he thought, the two of them, through whatever shit had happened those past few years, they would be alright. They had to be. âI can try, but I canât promise that,â he smirked. âYou know I canât.â His smirk faded and he simply looked at her again. So close to him now, he wasnât sure how he made it through the past ten years. He lifted his left hand to her cheek, pushing back some of the hair that lingered there before trailing his hand to her neck. He pulled her towards him, kissing her again, but for longer this time. He didnât want to be away from her, never again. God help him if she left him again, it was an action that would surely ruin him for good.
Mel glanced up at him when he said he didnât remember how it happened. She knew what that meant, it was like her phone but on her larger scale. She hummed, deciding against commenting on it, she knew this whole situation had been the reason behind it all. As she tended to his wounds silently, her mind kept drifting to the million âwhat ifsâ that plagued her mind constantly. She thought not only of Barrel, but also Tink, Steele, Bianca, Fauna, hell, she even thought about Flora. How much hurt she must have caused them, how many milestones she had missed, the happy moments, the sad moments, the funny moments, she wasnât there. She simply wasnât and it pained her. Melody had pushed them away, the people she care the most about. She felt guilty for keeping all these amazing people away from not only her life, but also Jackâs. He would have been spoiled rotten, Mel thought. Even though her reasoning for leaving was still very present in her mind, right now, holding Barrelâs hand, feeling his warmth, all her reasons seemed idiotic. If only instead of getting up and leaving I shouldâve just held on to him, she thought After she was done tending to his hands, she continued holding on to his hands, not ready to break apart from him. âWell then...â she sighed before looking up at him with a smile âIâll always be here to help when you are an idiotâ. The way he looked at her, it knocked the wind out of her and made her brain turn into mush. She could only think how lucky she was to have Barrel in her life, many others wouldnât ever be as forgiving. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he kissed her. Bliss. Absolute bliss. And as much as she missed Dash, she was grateful of his decision to leave for a while. She pulled back, not that she wanted to, she wanted to spend the rest of the night kissing him to make up for the lost time and the whole night would still not be enough, she smiled back at him âDonât go back to your apartment...â she said â...at least not now.â Mel played absentmindedly with the curls on the nape of his neck âStay here for the night. We can have a sleepover. Braid each others hair, put on face masks, gossip about the boys we have a crush onâ she joked trying to diffuse the seriousness of her question and to try and stop her rational side from making a list of why this was a bad idea. Itâs a good idea, she repeated to herself. But she couldnât let go of him yet, she only got him back âHumm?â she kissed him again âWhat do you say?â and again. Mel pulled back slightly to study his expression, to see any hints about what was going on in his head. âBesides, apparently your apartment is a mess so...â Melody shrugged before looking up at him hopeful â... I could make you pancakes for breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakesâ she bit her lip to try and stop herself from grinning so widely it made her cheeks hurt. If only I had the ingredients for pumpkin pie, she thought.
You have nothing to be sorry about. Itâs okay, she had said, but he felt as though he did owe her some sort of an apology, at least for lying to her as well as himself, for lying about hating her, for never wishing to see her again. Barrel wasnât blind to why he had said it, he knew it was a blurt of hidden melancholy, cloaked in resentment at the act of leaving, but not her, not really. âSweet? Kind?â He laughed gently, shaking his head. âDid you whack your head against something whilst you were gone? Or are you just losing the plot?â He brushed his thumb against her cheek, trying to not laugh again. It was strange to have been called such things, but from Melodyâs lips he simply accepted it, even if those words were strange to be linked to him. Barrel closed his eyes for a moment as she said she would never again leave, repeating those words in his head. Perhaps for the minute it was just words, and he had told her he needed action to prove it, but for the moment he was content with it. âI love you, too,â he said, âyou annoying ass, small, frustrating, woman. I always have, and I think youâve known that. I hope you know that.â He took one of her hands that was holding his face, kissing her knuckles and keeping it close to him. Barrel was never one to express his true thoughts, from the platonic to the romantic, though he had never truly known what it was like to fall in love until Melody, and instead only responded with sarcasm. He kept that sarcasm, kept it tight to his chest, but for Mel he made room for deep thoughts, too, to say them out loud for once in his life. What a strange thing, he thought, to meet a girl in a fucking school of all places and not fall out of love once, all this time. Barrel laughed at her question, struck by the randomness of it. âYeah,â he chuckled, âhe is. Heâs getting old but heâs fine, mainly outside now, but still just at the apartmentâŚâ Although he had mentioned the apartment moments before, it only truly struck him of the state it was in. He shifted his body slightly, âI know I justâŚsaid, about the apartment but, itâs not exactly looking the best at the minute.â Sheâll probably think I just mean messy, he thought. Glancing down to his knuckles, he held them up so she could see, âI mean, itâs trashed. Completely. i fucked up.â Just like I usually do.
She rolled her eyes when he laughed at her compliments âYou areâ she simply repeated âNo I didnât. Iâm still functioning perfectly, thank you very muchâ she smiled back at him. âAnd it doesnât matter how much you complain about it Iâll never stop telling you that youâre sweet, because if thereâs one thing I know about, itâs sweet thingsâ she said proudly. She giggled when he called her small, annoying and frustrating, giggled, she couldnât remember the last time she did that. For ten years Mel thought that sheâd never be completely happy again in her life but, even though, there was still a lot to deal with about their relationship and everything that came from it - Jack, in particular- she allowed herself to enjoy this moment and fell happy once again. The hole she felt in her heart was starting to rebuild. Melody nodded back at him, she knew he loved her and he knew she loved him, nothing else mattered. In this moment she could almost forget that ten years had passed far away from each other, it was as if they were still teenagers, laughing through the night. Mel smiled at him as he laughed, she missed hearing his laugh, seeing him smile. when he talked about cat âI missed him. I remember him being a tiny little thing purring and complaining because someone forgot to feed him againâ she raised her eyebrow when he talked about the apartment, she knew him, she knew that his apartment was never gonna be an example of tidiness, she never expected that of him because she wasnât the tidiest person ever so she had no reason to complain. Mel had forgotten for a moment about his hands, being too caught up in the conversation and all the emotions around it, she sighed, shaking her head as she untangled herself from him and reached over to the table where the kit was from earlier âYouâre an idiotâ she sat back on the couch âWhy would you do that?â she asked even though deep down she already knew the answer. She made herself comfortable, trying to be as close to him as she could and still be able to tend to his wounds. Mel pulled out a antiseptic wipe âThis might stingâ she warned before she pressed the wipe on his knuckles, trying to be as gentle as she could. She had a fair amount of experience dealing with wounds, not only her own brought on by her own clumsiness or simply dumb ideas, but now, as a mother, she was experienced in scrapped knees and elbows. Melody continued cleaning the wounds on his other hand, wrapping his knuckles with the bandage. When she was finished, she placed a gentle kiss on each hand, just like she does with Jack, as a way to seal the treatment âJust stop being an idiotâ.
He had planned to just hold her hand at first, to slowly pull her towards him as to not be overwhelmed, but Melody had other ideas. But he didnât fight it, not wanting to nor needing to, not really. Melody was quicker than he expected as she was suddenly there, right on him, wrapping her hands around him and holding tight. Barrel closed his eyes on instinct, feeling at peace for the first time in a long time, years in fact. Ever since she had left, something was off, but for the moment he was at peace, a calm wave rushed over him and he wrapped his arms around her frame, gripping perhaps too tightly. One, big deep breath came from his mouth and he took a few moments to simply stay there, holding her. âI know,â he mumbled, nodding against her head. âI know.â No matter what he still had to work through, he did believe her. Admitting that was hard, especially with everything that had happened, and not just today, but since he had seen her. The arguments, at the supply store, everything that he had caused at the bar, all of it. And for a moment that was all he could kept saying, I know, I know, I know. Both an answer and a means to comfort her. Barrel held her close still, but kissed the side of her face, as delicately as he could. For a while he still kept his eyes closed - he didnât need to look at her for the moment. He would rather hold her, and in these instances it was as though it was years ago, holding her as he was now. With whatever mental strength he had left, he slowly pulled back to look at her face. Throughout the evening he had seen her wipe away tears, and had seen her do it every time he had seen her, and he knew he had caused some of that pain. Even if the anger overwhelmed him, he still wanted to comfort her then, but now he could. Barrel held her face between his hands, just looking at her for a moment, âIâm sorry for how I acted, all of it. I know I had a right to be angry but I know I said someâŚhorrible things, too.â He kissed the space under her eyes a few times, hoping nothing else he did would make her upset. Maybe she was right to quickly come to him like this, maybe a part of her knew that when she was like this with him, he held no grudges. How could he? The tenseness of his muscles from his past nervousness and rage softened, his shoulders relaxed and his hands were only tense from how tightly he was holding her. âPlease donât go,â he said quietly, almost whispering. Here he was, in her place, not his, asking her to not leave, but he didnât want her to go anywhere else that wasnât in his arms, and his brain tripped over ideas as to why she would ask him to leave, yet he also knew he was saying this for everything in the future, to never leave again. âIf Dash is going to come back, just, come with me to my apartment or somethingâŚI donât know. Just donât go, not yet.â Barrelâs thumb traced over her cheeks as he spoke. Well, there you go, dumb-ass, youâre a goner.
She worried she had been too quick and forwards until he wrapped his arms around her. If she would have done this ten years ago, just wrap herself in his arms, she would have never left, because how could she? How could she even dare to leave him when she was like this. Mel allowed herself to be stay that way, just hugging him, enjoyed the moment not knowing how long it would last. But when he uttered âI knowâ she cried, once again, she was unsure why she was really crying. Maybe all the emotions that haunted her for ten years are finally being released. She looked back at him when he pulled back, she could now truly look at him. When he held her face, Mel could feel herself melting into his touch âYou have nothing to be sorry about. Itâs okayâ she reassured him, moving her hands up to his face too, pushing his hair away from his face. âYouâre so sweetâ she said to him, a faint smile on her lips â Youâre sweet, youâre kind, and youâre beautifulâ she knew those were not the words people would use to describe him, but they didnât knew him, not like she knows. She remembered people coming up to her at school to try and make sense of him, and she would laugh and shrug, âthatâs just Barrelâ was always her answer. She loved his unique thoughts and how it led to the most ridiculous conversations. Everyone thought that she was the only one who could understand him, but what they failed to realize was that, despite Melâs easiness at friendships, she always felt he was the only one that truly understood and knew her. And she regretted everyday giving up that and leaving âYou might not think that, but you are. You are. Youâre beautiful, not just on the outside. But especially on the inside, bearâ she placed her hand on his chest, above his heart. Melody closed her eyes as he kissed her face, she looked back at him when he spoke. She shook her head âNo. Never: Never againâ she looked back at him, thinking just how much she missed him in these ten years. How everything around her reminded her of him and she couldnât share that with anyone. It was lonely. She smiled softly at him âI donât really know when Dash is coming back, heâs been gone a few days but...â she trailed off, as much as she loved Dash, he wasnât important, at least not right now. She nodded at him âIâm not going. Not now. Not ever againâ. She placed a small, gentle kiss on his lips âI love you so muchâ she said to him when she pulled back. She just looked at him, with fondness, trying be reacquainted with the features she knows so well until a thought crossed her mind âwait. Is cat still alive?â
Watching her as she paced herself before retrieving a glass then returning to sit on the sofa, it was an effort to not interrupt her in between sentences. Barrel had asked her to explain everything, after all, so he forced himself to sit there and listen, to not make comments about specific details she had said. Instead, sitting across from her and uneasy at this new distance, he did the only thing he could: he listened. He took it all in, the start of her leaving, her life that she had formed away from here and him. Things would have been so much easier if it wasnât for that damn kid. Sure, there would still be a lack of trust, she still would have left him, but what was he supposed to do? To forgive her for everything and then go to the kid he had seen and say hey, that asshole you saw at the art supply store? Itâs me, your dad! After Melody had said her peace, he sat in silence for a few moments, trying to wrap his head around what the right thing to say was. Confused, exhausted, and simply bewildered as to where all of this was going, he started rambling himself. âWhen I first found that note, a part of me thought youâd come back in a day or two, hoped, really. The other parts of me knew you were gone.â Barrel nodded to himself and took one deep breath. âNo matter what I say now I know that eventually Iâll forgive you, Mel. I meant it, what I said. Iâm always gonna end up forgiving you. Thatâs just how much of a fucking idiot I am.â Forgiving her was something he knew heâd do eventually, even if that took a long time, and he knew sitting here now that she wasnât forgiven just yet, but the yelling was becoming tiresome. All of it was. It was becoming tiresome to pace around his apartment thinking of what he could say to her, rehearsing it and then drinking when he was tired of thinking. But these were things he needed to say out loud, not just keep in. âI canât forgive you yet, not really. I donât knowâŚwhen I will, but I know I will at some point. And to be honest with you, Mel, I need to figure this out,â he pointed at the both of them to indicate what he was talking about, âbefore we can truly talk aboutâŚthe whole kid thing. And I know youâve told me what happened but, itâs still ten years.â Thereâs a point here, somewhere thereâs a point and somehow youâre getting to it. Barrel rubbed his face, took another deep breath and looked at her. âI need you to show me that youâre not going to leave, truly, before I forgive you,â he said, then, unfolded his tense palm and faced it towards her, because part of him thought she would leave again, part of him thought that the second he left this building, sheâd be staying somewhere else. âJust, for a minute, please. Just for one second, if thatâs all we ever have again, just come here, please.â
Melody pulled her legs up on the sofa, closer to her chest, hugging them, making herself smaller. Even though she was done talking she still felt like she hadnât said enough, now can you summarize ten years in one monologue? They sat there in silence and although it was comforting, just his presence made her feel like the world was right again, it was also disquieting. His silence made all the little voices in her head seem so much louder. Mel kept her eyes locked on him, waiting for the moment he was done with her, get up, leave and sheâd never see him again. Ten years had passed and he was still the curly haired boy she fell in love with all those years ago during school. Sitting there, together yet so far apart, he was still her bear. All she wanted to do was hug him and hold him there until the morning would come. She just wanted to pretend, just for a moment, that ten years hadnât passed, that she hadnât left and they were just teenagers figuring life out. Melody finally broke her gaze when he mentioned the note âThat damn noteâ she sighed, focusing on the edge of her jacket and started pulling the loose threads. She regretted that note, it was done hastily, without much thought, she just didnât want him to come after her. When he said that heâd always forgive her, even though it was all she wanted to hear, she felt like she didnât deserve it, she didnât deserve him. She quickly rubbed the tears that threatened to spill once again. It seemed that crying was all that she did. She understood what he was saying, even she needed to deal with things with Jack and that needed to be dealt on its own. She learnt her lesson - she couldnât just dump information on people and hope that theyâll take it as it is. âMaybe Dashy really did have a point to go away for a few daysâ Mel muttered to herself. She looked up at him, wishing there was something she could show, do or say that would make him believe her that she was going to stay. Best thing you can do is just stay, she thought. Melody was still waiting for the moment when he was going to get up and leave her all alone with her thoughts in the apartment. When he faced his hand towards her she looked at it for a few seconds, trying to wrap her head around it. When her mind finally clicked that he was reaching out for her, for her to come closer, she lurched from her spot, crawling awkwardly on the couch towards him, ignoring his extended hand, she simply wrapped her arms around him, clinging as tightly as she could, burying her face in his neck. âI missed you so much, bearâ she said, her voice muffled from how tightly she was holding on to him as if she let go he would disappear right in front of her.Â
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Sitting there, unsure as to what he had hoped to get from this visit, from her, all of it, he felt defeated. Barrel kept his gaze away from her until he could feel her take his hands away from his face, and as she knelt there in front of him, he had no choice but to look at her as she spoke to him. They had said so much to each other, but yet not enough. Ten years was a time frame he couldnât fathom now, not with her right there in front of him, and as he listened to her, a part of him did believe her, but it was small, too small to just accept it and carry on. Before Melody came into his life, he only truly had two people: Lock and Shock. It was a strange relationship between the three of them, but with a terrible home life making its mark for each of them, they bonded over the smallest of things. So when they had begun to leave him during his days at the school, it was a strange, new experience. His uncle had left him when he was a child, too, but after he had met Melody, he managed with saying goodbye to the people in his past. Then she left, too, and even if he knew it was natural to not have the same people in your life forever, this was different. This was too much, and to even think of going through that again was simply impossible to contemplate. Barrel wouldnât have to face that again, he refused it. Her hands were warm against his, and he wanted to kiss her knuckles, to hold her palm against his cheek and bask in the silence until the morning came and he had to leave, but those raging thoughts in his head were vicious. They would not go. âWhenever I start to believe you I just think about something elseâ, he said, keeping his hands still and resisting the urge to do something with them, to hold her hand back, anything. âAnd letâs just say we handle all of this shit, that doesnât change the fact that you have a son. A son, Mel.â He slowly pulled his hands away from hers. âAnd whichever way I think about itâŚthe two ideas going through my head, none of them is making me feel any better. Because to me, all I can consider is that heâs either not mine, which means now all I can picture is you sleeping with someone else and then deciding to leave after you find out that youâreâŚâ he couldnât finish that sentence. It felt bizarre to say. âAnd then on theâŚunlikely side that heâs mine, all I can think is that you decided I would be a shit father.â He looked away from her then, nodding to himself more than anyone else. Surely if her son was his, too, then she would have come back when she found out. Barrel gazed back at her, anger now forming on his face. âI donât have anywhere else to be tonight, unless you do, and in that case go on. Go fucking on. Start from the beginning. I want to know. All of it. Everything. I donât care how long this takes.â
She couldnât help but feel hope blossom inside her chest at his words only for it to come crashing down. We have a son. We. She wanted to correct him. But when she heard his two ideas about what he thought happened, her heart dropped, that was never what she intended, that never even crossed her mind. When he asked her to explain Mel nodded at him. âOkayâ she said before moving to the kitchen to bring another glass. She refilled hers and lit a cigarette. Melody sat at the other end of the couch, opposite to him âI tried to get as far away as I could. I wanted Canada. But I couldnât go because of some documentation bullshit. So I settled for a small town near the border. Probably like 500 people. I donât know. People donât really settle thereâ she shrugged taking another drag âI got a room in a motel, got a job as a waitress in a diner. It was owned by a couple, Roger and Betsyâ Melody took a drag âI found out a month after I arrived. A month-ish. I thought I had to take a decision I didnât want to take. I mean... I was living in a motel, working as a waitress, how could I raise a kid?â She took a deep breath âBetsy took me under her wing. She helped me. I shouldâve come back then. I know I shouldâveâ she looked up at him, before taking a drag, flicking the ash into the ashtray âBut I thought... I thought no one wanted me. Like I was in everyoneâs way. And so... I decided to deal with everything on my ownâ Melody took a sip of her drink, she cursed her own stupidity âI went to live with Betsy and Roger. They had a spare room that was their sonâs. Betsy became the mother I never had. She helped me with everything. I didnât know what the fuck I was doing. Fuck, I still donât. And she helped me a lot and I never got to repay herâ Mel wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes âPeople help me all the time and all I-â she tried to bite down her tears. Melody took in a shaky breath âAnyway. Um...â she took a drag and tried to follow her own train of thought âI didnât tell anyone when I went into labour. Didnât want to bother anyone else anymore than I already have. On Halloween. Right on fucking Halloweenâ she shook her head, taking another sip of her drink âI was so alone and so scared. And all I wanted was for you to be there. But then, they placed this tiny little thing on my arms and I-â despite everything that had happened, her baby was still the best thing that happened to her. âHis name is Jackâ She looked up at him âBecause of Halloween. I thought I was so cleverâ Melody took one last drag looking around the room. âIt felt like it was too late for me to come back. Almost a year had gone by. I felt like I couldnât come backâ she fiddled with her jacket zipper, unable to look up at him. âI felt as though no one wanted me. So...â She took another sip of her drink âI had lost all my contacts. In a fit of... I donât know what... I threw my cellphone out the window. It might still be in some fucking random field in Maine. I tried to come back. Three times, I think. But I get panic attacks, I have a fear of flying because of my mother...â Melody trailed of, she didnât want to open the âmotherâ drawer and all her demons fly out of there. She took a deep breath âAnyway, ten years. I continued to live in Roger and Betsyâs home until... now. Basically. They died a few years ago. Roger first and then Betsy. I continued at the diner. Their son is now the manager, heâs a fucking asshole, but...â Melody shrugged âJackâs really good at school. Heâs on the honor roll. He likes to paint, thatâs why we were...â she trailed off. Melody paused for a moment, before continuing âIt was never easy. It became easier. I had a routine and the days would blur together. But it was never easyâ Melody took one last sip of her drink âI donât know if youâll ever forgive meâ She looked up at him âBut Iâll never forgive myself. For what I did to you, Dash, Jack, or everyoneâ.
As soon as Melody had mentioned that she should have drowned, he snapped. How could she be so blind? How could she stand there and still, after all this time, think in such a way about herself and say such a thing there, in front of him? Whatever Barrel had said previously during the height of their argument was simply an attempt to shout something that would sting. He would never truly imagine her dead, never, the thought was too disturbing, too hard to contemplate. âDonât, donât fucking say shit like that,â he snapped. âIs that because I saidâŚwhat I said, before? About you being dead? I didnât mean it. I didnât mean any of that shit, donât say anything about youâŚdonât say stuff like that!â Barrel wanted to yell about all of it, to claim that her hurting, her dying would be the death of him, too, but after everything he had said, no doubt hurting her, too, it would seem hypocritical. What could Melody do to make up for it? He knew the simple answer, to just stay. To not leave, but how could he trust her to simply do that? As Barrel stayed close, keeping his hands on her face, he felt a need to pull away, to step back. Once he had kissed her, it felt as though she hadnât been gone at all, as if, for one moment, it didnât matter. In those few moments, she could have done anything to him, to hit him or scream at him, he would have allowed it, but then what did that make him? One kiss and he knew heâd be hurt again, if she just left, how could he trust sheâd ever come back? Melody had held his wrists, and as Barrel tried to pull his hands back, he stopped once he touched her hands with his. âI donât know if I can do it, Mel,â he said, knowing he should at least step back a bit at least, but his feet remained still. âEvery time you go, Iâm just gonna think that itâs the last time Iâll see you again. I donât know how Iâm supposed to trustâŚâ Still holding her hand he pulled them to his chest, but then he had to look away from her. It was so easy for her to keep him here, he wondered if she knew just how simple it was. And now he wasnât helping himself either, wondering if he should try harder to pull away, but what if, he thought, this is the last time I can hold her? Can touch her at all? With one deep breath he yanked his hands away, taking a few steps back to try and breathe for a few moments. Shouldnât have kissed her, should not have kissed her. âSorry isnât enough, youâre right, it sure fucking isnât.â He was channelling his sadness and want to just stop and hold her into anger instead, the only thing he truly knew how to do. âAnd you can stand there, and say how hard it was for you but you have no idea what it was like for me. You donât. You have no idea what it was like, waiting for you, wondering what I did wrong and..â He still couldnât look at her. âYeah, sure,â he said, shrugging, âmaybe my life plans shouldnât have been solely based on you, maybe thatâs not fucking healthy or whatever, but in case you havenât noticed, my life hasnât been a string of perfect choices either.â He was tired, and he walked over to the sofa, sitting down and covering his face. What was the right answer, here? What was the right thing to do? Walk away? Stay? He wanted to kiss her again, he couldnât leave. Deep down he knew he wouldnât be leaving here unless she forced him.
âNo, no, no, noâ Mel wished she could swallow up the words but that seemed to be a recurring problem for her, saying stuff and then immediately regretting it and wishing she could pull them back. She rolled her eyes at herself and buried her face in her hands letting out a groan âItâs not what you said. Itâs whatâs always on my mind. Always has beenâ. Melody could only look up at him as a feeling of guilt pooled in her heart. He didnât trust her anymore. But she couldnât blame him, she didnât trust herself anymore either. She could feel the tears surface again and she tried her hardest to held them back. When he pulled her hands closer to his chest she sprawled her hand over his heart, hoping that maybe she could reach his heart and mend the damage that she made this way. Mel didnât know what to say to him, words werenât enough. How could she tell him how much she had missed him, how she was never going to leave, never again, she was decided on it. But the voice in her head told her that she never kept her promises. How hypocritical of her. Always talking big on promises and sheâs the one who breaks them. Repeatedly. As soon as his hands left her she missed him, she needed him, she glanced at her empty hands for a second before looking back at him. Melody wrapped her arms around herself to stop herself from reaching out to him again and just holding him, touching him, anything. Even if to the outside viewer it didnât look like much but Mel was trying to make everything better and she was trying to understand what her friends must have felt with her leaving but, in all honesty, she tried not to dwell on it too much because if she did she would fall down a black hole and the thoughts, the thoughts that Barrel had told her not to say would come back to the surface. She watched him slump down on the couch and covering his face. She moved closer to him, kneeling down on the floor in front of him. Mel reached out to hold his hands to make him look at her âI donât know how it was. I can only imagine and I- â she took a deep breath, rubbing his hands with her thumbs as she held them for the moment âAnd I know that whatever I say isnât enough. It will never be enough. But... Iâm not going to leave again. I canâtâ she looked up at him âActions speak louder than words. I know. And the only thing left for me to do is simply not go. And I wont. Iâll never leave you again, bearâ.