flesh w/o blood

i have to say truly i do not know why i never ? posted this

“ how long do you want me to ? ” she asked, quietly ignoring the part of her that hoped he might answer ‘ indefinitely. ’ the part that would agree to it. it wasn’t like there was anyone for her outside of her boys. if she stayed long enough she’d catch oh-seong too. maybe even mateoh. reasonably she could have made a functional home on their couch ages ago. but her feet had led her astray, as always.

“ you know i’m always coming back to you, right ? ” the words slipped out much smaller; careful as the others, but twice as shy. like acknowledging her want; her quiet dedication to what they all had; was crossing the line and running away wasn’t. all the same, she wanted to reassurance off her tongue. if only so that he of all people might hear it.

“ so too long, then. ” she muttered to herself before leaving the room again. and it was poor timing. perhaps she should have planned ahead for that. but at least this time, the distance was fractional. temporary and necessary. only lasting long enough for her to pry a protein bar out of a kitchen cabinet and carry it back to the bed. and that time, when she sat, she sat much closer. reaching out to take his hands in hers – let him FEEL her warmth atop his skin – and press the bar down between their fingers.

it wasn’t enough. but she’d cook him something when it was a better time for distance. maybe that wouldn’t be that night, but it certainly wasn’t right now either.

“ i haven’t. “ she admitted, leaning against his side, ready to move if he objected. “ you’re stop one. lucky you. you get me gross from the airport. ”

the inconsistency of her being back, too, was nerve-wracking, but it was worse when she wasn’t there, so jin could only count his blessings that she came back. but later, when if she clung to him again ( and she seemed to want something to do with him, given he was first and she was leaning on him ), he would mention to her that it was constants he needed. he’d have to ask her not to get too close if she was gonna go foo far.

june hadn’t meant to run. or rather, she had, but she had hoped it would have been more pleasant. the plane ride to and from the states was unbearably long, and her parents’ home a warm and loving space – VOID of any traces of her. she hadn’t belonged there. and it was foolish to think that anything they could have done would have solved her crisis. but it felt more active than laying in bed all week; ignoring her phone as she received text after text she hadn’t wanted to answer. most from oh. most from people she hadn’t wanted to reply to.

it had been UNCOMFORTABLE to think of going back to her boys’ apartment. the worry welling in her gut the same kind she always felt where her and jin started to get too close again. it made everything feel fleeting and wrong. swallowed away her rational mind, and buried her alive in the thought that if he knew the real her – had to see the pieces of her he’d met briefly ever again, he’d be disenchanted with what he found there.

and so she’d tried running. AGAIN. disappearing on the first flight without a word. and so running hadn’t worked this time EITHER. 

and there she was letting herself back into that familiar little london apartment with all her shame buried deep. like maybe they wouldn’t comment on the silence left in her wake. like maybe they’d pretend she hadn’t been GONE at all. and tumbling into his room with a taped on grin to settle at the end of his bed like she belonged there.

“ when was the last time you ate ? ” but her accent had tilted back into an uncomfortable american sway. and it gave her away immediately.

she’d been gone long enough that the dust had settled. and it coated him like he hadn’t moved from his spot for a week, afraid the world would break at the inconsistency. it had been longer that he slept since he remember moving last. and... more days since food. what a concept for someone more human. he took days he didn’t have because she took days he didn’t have --- she took them from him and then left. it wasn’t her fault, or maybe it was, but he didn’t hold it against her.

he just looked up slowly, his heart swelling too fast in his chest to catch up with the expansion. it was the most he moved from his position in a week, not even bothering to have touched his keyboard. " oh, you’re back, “ came a mumble. it felt like a delusion, but he could move his lips again with the hope that it wasn’t, the hope that she was there.

the inconsistency was burning.

‘ oh, you’re keeping a list of reasons not to trust me – damn. ’ he laughs, pleased by the casual body language between them but mostly at the all too accurate use of a word describe him. elliot was sketchy, especially when he wasn’t trying to be. it’s something about the way he talked out of both sides from his mouth, sometimes neither ; never set on a specific one. a close circle of his said it makes it difficult to trust him that way but it’s the same circle that engages with him still. maybe that’s why elliot finds himself doing what he does on occasion: testing that theory. the line & limit between trust and betrayal and how love-prompted FORGIVENESS would come and absolve him. he’d lost a few people, granted – jacinta had it made it clear to elliot and others that she wants nothing to do with him anymore & well, he understood – but that wasn’t enough of a conclusion. the third factor: indifference, intervened. it’s why he couldn’t differentiate between love and just that – not caring. elliot preferred anything but the later. he doubted he’d be taking such measures with jude, however. not that he isn’t intrigued by him – quite the opposite with how borderline stalkerish he’s behaving — but he didn’t want to scare him off ( ? to his own surprise ) not until he had him all figured out, at least. ‘ so, who’s “they” ? ’ 

“ where’s the fun in that ? ” oh whined; heart only half in it. he knew the risk was higher now; with more than the established pair of eyes on his actions. but he’d always been light-fingered; bored by the monotony of shopping and register lines. there was a thrill to it he’d managed to chase away with the taste of mateo’s lips, but only in part.  mostly oh kept himself in line; wandering aisle to aisle with absent commentary, and plans forming in the back of his head for meals, snacks, breakfasts no doubt spent rushing back to bed. it was around the start of the freezer aisles that he moved in close; curling in against the warmth of his other, tangling his fingers in the fabric of mateo’s shirt.

“ remind me to wear a sweater next time, fuck. “ and then, with significantly less whine in his tone. “ want to watch competitive cooking shows when we get home and bet snacks on the winner ? ”

mateo had asked someone almost as familiar with the lifestyle as him to stay away from it, so it was no surprise he needed to steal things once in a while, or gamble away the day’s impulses. mateo could understand it, though his were easier solved with company and work --- the world surrounding him still. he let there be space between him and the cart, allowing oh to nestle in as they shopped. mateo could only smirk. he have offered a jacket, had he brought one, himself, but in the mean time, he leant in, curling the other clothes with his chin on oh’s shoulder. “ yes, “ mateo answered easily, giving him the small things --- tv bets and occasional stories. 

“ how do you think restaurants work ? ” oh-seong pressed teasingly, even as he let himself be led along. eventually the two fell into step, and oh raised their shared hands to fidget with their clasped fingers. maybe holding hands was one of the smaller gestures he could give ( especially when they were doing something as domestic as grocery shopping ), but oh loved it all the same. loved having a line to the other right in his palm; feeling warm, grounded, wanted. “ you’re allowed to have opinions. ”

anyways, having a cart pusher was a prime opportunity. because it could never be said that oh liked to do so himself. it felt like too much to keep track of; the smaller man preferring to hold things in his arms until he could hold no more, like a hoarding animal, preparing for the winter. mateo had already bore witness to those antics before; leading to his permanent title as cart pusher. now oh abused it by stealing kisses every time he dropped something into the basket, or standing in the way for small moments as if daring mateo to run him down. living off the feeling mischief and warmth that came with it. “ tell me not to shoplift lube this time. ”

mateo scoffed at the boy he decided to love. it felt surreal. “ well, don’t steal anything,” mateo began, never usually a proponent of petty theft --- he had too much to be caught and flagged down by police for --- like a murderer caught by running a light. or maybe the metaphor was lost when mateo really had killed a man. “ but we do need lube. “ and the other couldn’t say he minded at all the idea of having to buy it, even regularly.

oh leant into the kiss with an easy grace; like it wasn’t something they’d had to practice, being so open. like they hadn’t wounded jin and june with at least a weeks worth of pda on the couch, and over dinner, and headed out the door. but mateo’s hands against his waist felt like HOME. and even the paranoid nagging in the back of his head wasn’t about ruin that for him. not when he was trying so hard, and getting further.

“ shut up. ” he teased, brushing aside a few of mateo’s curls to better meet his gaze. “ you’re over so often, my groceries now affect you. just come tell me what you want this week. ” it was a kind of domesticity oh felt himself both fearing and aching for in those select hours when his lover went away. so maybe he was guilty of drawing the other out to the store just to remedy it. sue him

nothing mattered more than oh most days and while mateo knew he shouldn’t think that, he couldn’t help himself. maybe it was the same shitty thinking that let millie keep her hands so tightly around him. but unlike millicent, he wasn’t as grabby. he pulled him close when invited to. mateo had said he’d be patient, yet he felt he hardly needed to, the pace a pleasant one in his eyes --- slow in the ways it needed to be and quick in the ways they couldn’t stop it from being. 

most waking moments, these days, were consumed by oh, the pair of them always stuck on his bedroom floor, heaving chests and the old remnants of cigarette smoke that mateo didn’t miss ( it was just habit to want one -- the thoughts weren’t so hard, usually ). oh asked him to meet at his car, a trend they seemed to be making a groove in. but he didn’t have to explain for mateo to understand that if oh asked for that, he wanted them to talk in together. mateo didn’t mind the sentiment, and he understood the kind of step it was for oh. the smile he usually bore was worth it.

“ i want to go on a date with you. ” oh blurted, trying to get the words OUT, and watching them stumble into a conclusion that didn’t quite explain itself. “ i mean – ” the man shifted to buy himself time to articulate; laying back until he’d maneuvered himself beside mateo, rather than above him. nothing about the closeness of his lips, his eyes, his hands made it easier to speak. but it was important all the same – that proximity. important that mateo understand oh wouldn’t push him away when days grew harder.

“ like, a public one. because i don’t care if she knows. ” and, okay. that wasn’t quite true. the thought terrified him more than he could speak of. but he’d weighed it against the need to ensure mateo knew he was valued, and it had come up significantly less important. mateo had been scared for him, and he hadn’t even been able to reassure him properly. everything about them was a reach around; an indirect where clarity was a desperately needed link. it was a BIG step, but a step all the same. and oh had thought hard about taking it. “ you’re more important. and it bothers me that we haven’t– that i haven’t been able to do that with you yet. because you’re my boyfriend. and she’s shouldn’t be able to control my life like this anymore. not when it hurts us. ”

it was only doubt that quieted the rush off his tongue. a quiet fear that maybe he’d let himself overthink. that mateo wouldn’t want the same, even though he’d given oh-seong no indication of it. “ if you want to, i mean. i know that affects you too. ”

it was nice to see oh resurrect himself, despite mateo effectively being a gravedigger. he wasn’t some poison or toxicity, but had he ever had room to speak ? he hadn’t thought about it --- really, at all. he had always been so content in oh’s presence that a date hadn’t occurred to him. he didn’t need time to get to know oh --- he learned him by proxy. and mateo had never been a dating man before.

but suddenly at the suggestion, he was. he couldn’t help the smile. even if he knew it was something for oh, a big step, mateo still grinned. he moved closer to oh to steal a kiss from his lips, something soft and short, though he lingered, just to reassure him.

he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t somewhat afraid of the prospect of being seen in public with him, but they were far from her, anyway. and mateo would revel in being able to show the family he had made here who oh was. --- even if there was no one at arm’s length.

it had been a sadness weeks coming; something slower manifesting than his previous outburst. but more parasitic; sucking the life out of him until he had nothing but the doubt his own hesitance caused him. mateo was a step forward. and oh never wanted him to feel like one back, or one unworthy of making. so he’d let mateo lead him home from the beach; found solace wrapped up in his touch that millicent had never given him, never wanted to. and he’d made a steady resolve to start PRACTICING. until one day his lips knew how to move on their own.

and that morning, his heart had awoken heavy. had taken all that stored up guilt and brought it to the surface, through horrid dreams, and proximity, and the weight of mateo’s body next to his. had rubbed in his face exactly how much he was inviting himself to give up on, and hated himself for that silence. “ i need to tell you something. ” he hummed, hand meeting the other’s against his jaw. “ it might sound silly, but it’s really important that i say it, okay ? because i’ll regret it if i don’t. and i don’t want you to ever worry about it anymore. ”

mateo’s heart had skipped a beat at the thought of oh professing his love, but in no situation could he find that the other doing that would be silly. but all of this was usually on oh’s terms because mateo was content to move as fast as he wanted to. since oh wanted slower steps, mateo’s long legs slowing with determination to make oh comfortable in pace.

he’d promised mateo that the next time, he’d go to him. and now leaving at all felt like running. even the counter he’d taken to pulling himself atop during the early hours, when sleep still felt important, felt MILES from his other. and so that morning, when oh woke once more with a heavy heart and weary mind, he made his trek a temporary one.

padded feet against smooth flooring was the only noise to accompany him ass he slid from bed just long enough to brew coffee, and bring two mugs back. then oh-seong set them both atop his side table, and sat atop his lover. “ wake up. ” he pressed kisses against the other’s lips, eyelids, cheeks. anything that might gentle the rude awakening, as oh flooded his space persistently. “ i made you coffee. i need you to wake up. i’m sad. ”

@melodvc !

mateo’s eyes opened when he felt the pressure on his midsection, but upon realizing it was oh, they succumbed to closing, the light having flooded in far too quickly for the man, unexpectedly awoken. oh, but not ungrateful. oh wasn’t heavy, though he was still filled to the brim with sleep. his eyes blinked slowly, twice, to wake themselves and his hand came to oh’s cheek, a comforting touch when he couldn’t quite yet offer clarity. he met the other’s kisses with a kiss of his own, capturing his lips for a moment before pulling back to let his head rest on the pillow again. “ you wake me by sitting on me and you’re still adorable, “ he muttered to the other.