all or nothing

No, I was saying I won’t go home like I did last year. But yeah, I take dance lessons every summer. I’m more talking about what I’m going to do for fun. Laas summer I spent all my down time relaxing back home. I’m not sure what I want to do with my down time this year.

I just realized...

Summer’s a month a way and I still don’t have any serious plans. No way am I spending all summer on my mom’s sofa like I did last year. 

You’re planning on going home? I’d have assumed you’d look for some kind of internship or summer classes here instead.

They’re going well. Really well. I’m just ready for the show already. 

I guess I could, but my feelings are private and I don’t feel like sharing. Look, whatever’s going on isn’t a big deal. We’re fine and it’ll be good to see you after the show.

Okay, as long as you’re sure. So how are your rehearsals going, anyway?

I can’t control how you feel, Marls. But if you’re gonna be at the show, I’ll see you after it. 

But you could tell me how you feel… if you feel anything at all. And yes, I will be there. I’m always going to be cheering you on.

I think I’m gonna be too focused on the whole dancing thing to care about who’s in the audience when I’m on stage and after the show I’m probably gonna be hanging out with people from the group. I mean, I’ll swing by and say hi if you guys are there, but I don’t really know what exactly else you want from me. 

I don’t know, I just want to stop feeling like things are weird between us again when I don’t even understand why. But I’m not missing your show, because even if I’m not just being paranoid, I still want to be there to support you and see how great you are firsthand.

It’s a public show, Marley. Anyone who buys a ticket can come. Ryder’s going too. You can hang with him if you want company. 

Right… public show. But you could still tell people if you wanted them there or not. I guess I’ll talk to Ryder about it, though.

Ryder: Well I don't have any Monster posters in my room and I don't read 5 hr energy fanfic so...yeah, very sure :P

Ryder: Well yeah, because you're awesome and your songs are awesome, and you could totally be like...the next Taylor Swift, but better. I kind of...I went to this audition for this little commercial last week and you should have seen it, there were like 80 other guys there that looked just like me or better, and they're probably really talented too.

Ryder: I'm holding you to that.

It’s going fine.

It’s… um, it’s still okay if I come, right?

Okay.

Yeah…um, okay. So — how’s your rehearsal going?

Ryder: I don't think energy drinks mean as much to me as THG does to you :P I guess, but it would depend on the role, and New York has like a billion other actors who are way, way better at this stuff than me.

Ryder: OHhhhh my god that looks so awesome

Ryder: That's just how Jake works, he'll get over it. He just needs time to...decompress. You mean a lot to him too.

Marley: Uh huh, sureeee :-p Hey, no thinking like that allowed! You guys convinced me that I was good enough to come here and give it a shot. But you were already here, which means you knew you were good enough to give it a try. Your lucky break's out there just waiting for you to find it, Ryder. You're one of the most talented people I know.

Marley: Right? I know what I'm getting for you the next time there's an occasion that calls for presents :)

Yes, or else I’ll have to place you under arrest for neglecting a perfect tv show. I….am pleading the fifth on that. Yeah! That one’s Chris Pratt, the guy from Guardians of the Galaxy! Ron is grumpy but he’s funny grumpy, like Jake. But I think you’ll really love Andy. 

Ryder: How long /have/ I been drinking energy drinks....eesh. It's not so bad, I like to look at the books while I listen. Ugh, I still wish there was a Disneyland in NYC so I could try and play one of the Disney Princes. I mean I probably couldn't but the opportunity would be there.

Ryder: Lemme see!

Ryder: I mean..if you're sure. I just don't want you guys fighting. Besides I'm around Jake like 24/7, I could just nudge him a little bit.

Marley: You mean you don't celebrate your energy drink anniversary every year? I kind of do that with a yearly reread of The Hunger Games...oops. You don't need Disneyland for that, you could try for a Disney role on Broadway! I know you're more interested in the acting than the singing, but I'd abandon my plan to just record albums in a heartbeat if I could be Belle on stage!

Marley: Okay, okay! Star Wars pillow picture message coming your way :-p

Ryder: I had to listen to it on tape, we were reading it for a thing back in middle school and the dialect was messing me up, but it still counts! No, but it did get old pretty fast. Not that I'm complaining cuz the dude was pretty cool.

Ryder: Oooh really? Do you have a picture? Hey! Don't Angel emoji me! you can't get off that easy.

Ryder: Want me to talk to him? I can probably get him out of his head a little.

Marley: Definitely still counts! Especially if you were already drinking energy drinks back then because it takes a lot to sit and focus on an audio book! Note to self, pick a more original Disney prince to think of you as :-p

Marley: Of course I have a picture! You didn't really think I'd disappoint you like that, did you? O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-) O:-)

I don’t think I can and even if I could, it doesn’t matter. We’re fine, Marley. Just let it go. 

It matters to me. I’m not good at just… pretending you’re okay, even if I know you’re not. But fine. I’ll try, okay?

It’s okay, but yeah, it’s probably best that you don’t. 

Right. 

If it’s okay, then why does it still feel like something’s wrong? Jake, we agreed to be friends so that we’d get along better, and I know for me that at least meant that having you in my life was too important to mess up. Can you please just… tell me what you’re thinking, or something?