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Its been some time. I liked to post here occasionally for an online diary of sorts. Something to look back on with nostalgia.

It’s been a while and I have been keeping hand-written journals recently.

If anyone of any sort of relevance sees this I guess I just want to express myself. There doesn’t seem to be at any point in doing this but perhaps a rant is all I need. You, the reader, may stop following this if I get too whiney - which I am almost sure I will since I haven’t taken my daily medication today yet. 

I don’t feel like broadcasting what it is I have to the world although it is becoming more widely known about. I found out I am ill and have been ill for many years. What I have, I can’t really talk to my family about for in our culture... we just don’t talk about serious things. I guess internalizing and ignoring what I had is what caused my bipolar-like moods and why I was so cold to some. 

(Also, I have been watching a lot of anime and kdramas lately so pardon my depressive language. Haha)

I am on regular medication/ doctor appointments now. I am told it is o get worse before it gets better. But that doesn’t help the anxiety anyway. 

My anxiety has caused me to “return to what’s familiar” and I have been reconnecting with old friends. But in doing so, I think I have left a few others out. I just don’t have the health/energy to keep up with everyone these days. 

In light of recent events, I have decided to pursue a career in medicine/biotech. I want to help others especially those that are struggling with health. And even more so those who are afraid to move forward in helping themselves like I was.

I feel... different. I especially see it in social settings now. I used to love meeting new people and putting myself out there. But as I have said, with recent events... I have become ... distant. Not sure to describe it. There are days where I still feel like me but then there are days where everything is weighing so heavy. 

In one weekend, I believe I have come to the revelation that I need to slow down.

I care so much about getting from point A to point B that I am not enjoying the journey to the fullest. Also, I realized that I am so RUSHED with life that I sometimes hurt the ones around me because I am always in the fast lane.

When I finally decided to let go and enjoy what was going on around me, I was having the time of my life. 

Hi all,

It me, Mel. Your friendly neighborhood conspiracy theorist checking in.

How's your brain doing? No, not how are you. We can sit here and I put on this socially acceptable act about how your life is and what other trivial things are going on in your life. Oh, your brother is married? You're all caught up with the Walking Dead? That's cool.

EXCEPT NO IT'S FUCKING NOT.

Excuse my aggressive tone - I am not exactly a polite person. I mean. I know when and how to be polite, but I, myself, and my thoughts; are all not very polite.

So back to my original question, how is your brain? Because I am sure it is full of nonsense, irrelevant pieces of information that are not useful whatsoever. I am not patronizing you - hell, I am victim to this. I succumb to reading about Kendall Jenner culturally appropriated ballet dancing somehow and etc. But look, you are filling your brain with USELESS things. Utterly, unforgivingly useless.

Shame on the news for highlighting celebrity issues. Shame on the news for focusing on the personal lives of our political figures. Shame on the news for highlighting stores based on what will make them money.

That's the golden goal right? MONEY. It is all for money!

Money is the reason why we start wars, we get stuck in a job we hate, we are not investing in things that actually MATTER. Sure you made a million dollars and got a cool car or house or whatever but God forbid we use more money to explore space ...or on our children's education so that they might be able to free themselves from this??

I know, I know - I am a little space crazed. Because what sparked this is that I feel the government needs to allow a much bigger budget to the space program.. but do we seriously need another Cold War just to focus on space again? What an exciting time it must have been for all those alive for the Space Race age... But even then, we only participated to OUT-SPACE the Soviets. We never seem to have people in power who see space as a priority.. It's all about being the biggest, richest country in this world.. But I feel if we took the time to find other worlds... Our world will finally stand together.

When you think about it, the closest galaxy to us is still 2 million light years away.

Our galaxy wholly stretches to be about 100,000 light years long. This means to get from one side of our galaxy to the other - it would take us 100,000 years traveling at the speed of light. And this is cosmically SMALL. There are galaxies out there that are a million light years long!

I think not many people understand the vastness of the universe. Even with modern day technology, we are limited to seeing a portion of the universe that we call the "observable universe." So what is past that? Well, we don't know! We can't observe farther than that - maybe not until we advance more in technology.

Many people think that we have come to know the things we do now about celestial bodies because we have these nice, big telescopes to stare at them with. When in actuality, a lot of the theories, facts, and such about space were made by those centuries ago by simply WATCHING PATTERNS in the sky. And essentially, this is all science is. Finding facts through patterns of behaviors.

These patterns help us better understand what is out there. I believe that our purpose and our future lies within the study of space, matter, and time. Reality as we know it exists because of how we perceive it. There may be other "realities" that are intangible to our minds. But hey - who are we to know?

I feel the Earth needs to outgrow its sense of entitlement to itself. There are things that matter more than just our planet - there are entire worlds out there. And every day more planets are found that are like our own. Whether or not there is life, let alone intelligent life, is a matter to be tackled beyond our current time. I commonly get the argument - "Well, if there are aliens, why have we not made contact yet?" Let me tell you a little something about cosmic communication... If a star with a rumored Earth-like planet in orbit around it exists but is 75 light years away, how long will it take a message from us to reach that planet? Yep, 75 light years. And probably give or take a few more moments for those intelligent alien forms to get what is being communicated. Only then may they send a signal back - but how long would that take? 75 more light years! This particular communication would be 150 years round trip. I don't about you, but I sure won't be alive in 150 years - or at least it is not possible for us humans yet! And this example is with a CLOSE star.

So with all this, you must be feeling small right? I sure did, I felt like one of those who-people from whoville in Horton Hears a Who (wow, say that 10 times fast!). The thing is, you are small. But so are the people you know, and the people they know. Our entire planet, is small. Things that we take for granted and things we take too far are so, so small.

I started looking at the things in my life that were weighing me down. Things I hated, things I got mad at, and things I let ruin my day. THESE THINGS DO NOT MATTER. They will not be remembered by anyone else BUT YOU. So you failed at something or you are angry with a friend - those feelings you have, they will only be remembered by you. You are only hurting yourself. Take this into perspective, if we scale the life of the entire universe to a day, our existence - our human species existence - is something like half a second.

Half of a second = entire human race existence in comparison to 1 day = universe existence.

There may be intelligent beings that existed before us and there will be intelligent beings existing after us. Your negative feelings are not something that will carry on - so why spend our precious lives in these negative feelings? 

We are small, we won't be here long. So make the most of it anyway. Go back to school, spend money on a trip, start volunteering, call an old friend and tell them you miss them.

But this is such a terrible misconception of life.

You can be independent, but you cannot get through life alone.

Life is so much more vibrant, so much more meaningful - when you are sharing it.