blurbs

I feel like I shouldn’t have been born in this world at all.

im awful

I’m surrounded by so many people but I’ve never have felt so lonely.

Today blows.

With the way things are going I feel like I'm not gonna make friends and die alone. I don't know what to do. As strange as this sounds, I feel cursed.

I got anon mail on tumblr from someone that is aquatinted with someone I knew before. I was told that I belittle and dispose people that I no longer have use for which I can see how you get that, but it isn't true. And if I somehow did, it wasn't my intention. They wonder if I think about it and that's something I do every single day. I think about the people I've might've hurt by pushing them away which I try not to, but it's difficult. I already know it's not an excuse which if why I feel guilty. I don't understand why the other person wanted to be friends with me in the first place. If that person wanted to confront me that's fine. If not, that's also fine. People always get the wrong idea about me and it's really frustrating but there's nothing I can do. I would apologize for hurting your friend but it's difficult when you're hiding, sending a message on anon.

I just feel so awful. When will it stop? It's too much.

I smoked again for the first time in a long time. I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree in a while~

I started to force myself not to sleep on my face and I started using my face brush again. Hopefully I'll see improvement in my skin.. Also I realized that I still am a perfectionist, even though I thought I got rid of that a long time ago. I set my standards too high and just disappoint myself in the end. Hopefully after realizing, I can do something about it and learn to love myself.

My freezer hasn't been working for over a week now. Maybe longer. The first time the maintenance guy came in, he poked around with a screwdriver and moved some of our food around. Apparently we were blocking the fans. Today when he came in, I showed him one of my popsicles with was just liquid inside the wrapper. He said he was confused because it's cold (it can still be cold but not freeze things yknow..) and the freezer was new. He then told me to move our food closer to the fans. I told him to notify the office so now I just wait for that.. I'm just so frustrated because our food is ruined and I just don't feel safe buying groceries and watch them go to waste. How could I even put them near the fans anyway? Most of the food wouldn't be able to reach it and so half of it would be frozen while the other half wouldn't be.

Driving is difficult for me now. I have a hard time keeping my breathing steady and I shake. I didn't know the accident I had fucked me up that much. And it sucks more because the people that drive here are maniacs. I wish people could actually use the brains and eyes they came with and just drive how you're suppose to. I'm tired of being terrified and guessing where someone might go because they can't turn on their turn signal at all. I'm frustrated and angry because I don't have money, so things have been extremely difficult. And on top of that I consider myself a good driver and yet I'm the one that gets my car totaled by an undercover cop. I just wonder if good things happen to good people at all. Life doesn't seem to judge who you are and just throws whatever it wants at whoever is there, whether it's bad or good.

I truly hate where I work. I wish I was severely passionate at something so I can pursue that, but there’s nothing I enjoy that much to drive me. I lack motivation and small things make me tired. Things are getting better but I just want to be content already..!