me living in a world

I just dreamt of you again last night. The ending was disgusting and a reflection of the current reality. 

Lumapit ka sa akin at napalapit ako sa’yo. (ew?) We’re all good. But someone was outrageously jealous. Hanggang sa biglang hindi na tayo okay, kahit wala akong ginawang kasalanan. Tapos may scene na dalawa ka, and in the middle of you was a common friend - na nagkagusto sa akin, in the middle of us. (I appreciate that he appreciates me, but I don’t like him, btw. Because? I like you. You cannot be romantically involved with two or more people at a time. I don’t know exactly how you are called in case you do. You did. It hurts.) Dalawang ikaw, at magkaibang hairstyle. And I cannot clearly distinguish the difference between the two. Though, physically, I can see the actual difference of the hairdo. I chose to tap only one you. That moment, I felt that I have to choose quickly, dahil malapit na tayong magkasalubong. Basta sa pakiramdam ko, I wanna choose the good and gentle one. All I got was a forced smile and you continued walking. And I was left there disgusted, parang magmamaka-awa pa ako na maging okay tayo, na parang ako lang ang may paki at gumagawa ng paraan. 

Sa umpisa ng panaginip ko, isa ka lang. Sa dulo ng panaginip ko, may dalawang ikaw. Napaka weirdo to see a person, pero dalawang siya. 

Pero yun ang repleksyon ng katotohanan. Ito ikaw noon, you, whom I’ve sincerely taken care of - because you are a friend, not becuase I feel something romantic towards you - but in the end, you had a totally different side, which brought me to having the two persona of you. Ito yung naiisip ko dati pa. Kapag naiisip ko yung dati, at kapag nararamdaman ko how admirable you are back then, maiisip ko rin ang ngayon, na iba ka na. Iba na ang kaibigan ko noon. Pero naisip ko rin na isa ka lang naman. At ang dating ikaw, ay nasa iyo lang naman. The way to your past self is the self that you are right now. To get to the past is to get through the present. 

But the present you is disgusting, and unreachable, not because you actually are unreachable, but because I don’t want to reach you. And I don’t like you. I don’t like the present you. 

I can like you, maybe I like you. 

But not with what you are right now, not with what you have right now. And that is the way-- or that is how you poorly managed what you did. That is the way of how you just let me go off of you, how I felt that I was just something else to be thrown away that way, like a trash - disposable. I felt disposable. When I was actually a friend. When I was actually someone whom you made feel special. The other thing that you have right now... is a gal. And that ends it all.

Is it funny that I am willing to be your friend all over again despite feeling disposable all along? Is it a lie when you said that you are still being a friend to me? Niloloko mo na lang ba ako? O hindi ko lang ba maramdaman na katotohanan mo na kaibigan nga ako sa iyo? 

Anyway, proud ako sa sarili ko. Because I am getting less interested of the friendship that we could still have. No, natutuwa pala ako sa sarili ko for that. Dahil kahit papaano ay nababawasan ang bigat. Kung saan ako proud, ay sa dignidad na meron ako. Rumerespeto ako at alam ko ang lugar ko. Lumulugar ako sa kung saan ba ako dapat naroroon.

Kahit pa pagkakaibigan lang ang intensyon ko, ayaw ko nang lumapit pa. Ayaw kong maramdaman mo na lumalapit ako sayo at baka maisip mo na dahil gusto kita. Totoo naman na gusto kita, pero bilang kaibigan lang. Dahil nga, dahil ikaw iyan ngayon. 

You know what’s stopping me from admiring you? From reaching out to you freely? From moving on or letting go of this disgusting hatred and anguish? Simple. How you act towards me. The words that you say are still inconsistent to your actions. It’s confusing as hell. Do you know that? 

Tama na. Tama na ang paglapit, lalo at hindi mo naman makita na gusto kang lumalapit.