For modern non-Muslim western women, the "perfect husband" is a working man who also cooks, cleans the house, does laundry, and changes diapers as much, or more than, she does.
This as a constant theme in movies, popular TV shows, viral tiktok videos, books, and even in conversations with non-Muslim women in real life.
I watched a YouTube video where a newlywed wife was talking about her life, her very recent marriage, and her demanding full-time job as a nurse. She gushed about her new husband being a "perfect husband" because he cooks dinner for her, cleans the apartment, and does the dishes. Her job was exhausting as she often worked 14-hour shifts, so she loved that she came home to a clean home and a hot dinner.
So I started reflecting on this notion, and I thought, "Why do these women see the perfect husband as a husband who helps out a lot domestically? Why doesn't she, for example, prefer that he completely provide for her and her children financially 100%? Wouldn't that be a better deal? Wouldn't complete financial security without her having to lift a finger be more of an obvious advantage to a woman than a husband who's willing to cook dinner in the kitchen with her? Wouldn't she prefer to be relaxed at home and not be forced to work 14-hour shifts at a job in the first place?"
But then I realized: women who have these kinds of preferences and priorities are heavily influenced by feminism, and as such, a man being the sole financial provider wouldn't be their preference-- it would be their worst nightmare!
Because to feminists, the money coming solely from the man means bad things. It means that she, as the woman, is his dependent. That she relies on him totally for her financial needs. That she is "at his mercy," and "under his thumb," and "under his control." That she has to actually...(gasp!)...TRUST her husband.
A feminist's worst nightmare.
Recently, I came across a book titled, The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?
The author is an American feminist woman who pushes her fellow women not to rely on their husbands to be the sole providers, and instead for wives and mothers to work outside the home and "pursue their passions." Even moms of young children should leave home to work. Her main message to women is: you can do it all! You can have it all! You can be super highly educated, be super sexually experienced, work a high-powered career chasing your dreams, while at the same time being a wife and a mother! It's all doable and even easy!
This is, of course, a fantasy.
But that's the thing about fantasies: they *sound* so nice. So alluring. So tempting.
Why *can't* I have it all?
Why *can't* I be everything at the same time?
So instead of focusing realistically on a few key categories at a time to prioritize in life, women believe the nice-sounding fantasy and try to prioritize everything at the same time. An impossible mission.
So the tired, rundown wives who are quickly getting bitter and burned out trying to be Superwoman daily, now turn accusingly to their hapless husbands, and say, "Why aren't *you* doing too much too? Why aren't you as overwhelmed as I am? You need to pull your weight!"
So the husband, who also has a demanding full-time job, is required to do everything himself, too. He needs to work at his job, then come home to cook dinner, vacuum the living room, wash the dishes, and mop the kitchen floor.
He becomes her male replica; they both become androgynous worker bees.
Now both the husband and the wife are doing too much. Both feel overwhelmed, overworked, over-extended. Neither gets much rest.
When you are doing everything (even if partially), you aren't exempt from *anything.*
There is nothing you are allowed to skip, no area you are free to not worry about. You are, thus, forced to worry about everything at once: from the family's finances and bills, to what to cook for dinner, to who will unload the dishwasher.
It's a massive load physically, but also mentally and psychologically.
And it only gets heavier, more complicated, and more burdensome when children arrive. Because children require time, energy, and attention that neither working parent has, they are raised by others ("professionals") at daycares, nurseries, and schools. The children cannot stay home because nobody is home to stay with them.
Unfortunately, what I've noticed is that some Muslim women have adopted this mindset too.
And in some ways, the "Muslim version" is much worse.
Going into marriage, some Muslim ladies have delusional expectations, completely unhinged from reality.
They want the Islamic rights of the wife, namely her right to nafaqa from the husband, PLUS the non-Muslim notions of an egalitarian house-husband.
Basically, this type of Muslim feminist wants her "perfect husband" to provide for her 100% as is his Islamic obligation while she works outside the home as her non-Muslim counterparts do. His money is "our money" but her money is her money. This perfect husband will also, after getting home from work, help her cook dinner and switch the loads of laundry.
So the husband needs to do 100% of the finances plus 50% of the household chores, giving 150%. She is willing to be gracious enough to do 50% of the chores, while "pursuing her dreams" the rest of the rest.
Of course, I am not saying that husbands shouldn't ever help out their wives around the house with chores. That's not at all what I'm saying.
I'm saying this shouldn't be the default, the standard, or the expectation day-to-day. And it certainly shouldn't be anywhere near 50% if he's also the sole breadwinner!
In the Islamic paradigm of marriage and family, there are defined gender roles that provide structure and clarity. In an efficient and effective system, the husband and wife split up the responsibilities strategically, such that everything gets done without any one person being forced to do everything. Each party plays to his or her strengths: the husband tackles the outside realm as primary provider, protector, and leader, while the wife holds down the home front as the primary nurturer, bearer of children, and household executive.
The non-Muslim "perfect husband" model pushes androgyny not found in real life.
The "feminist Muslim" "perfect husband" model pushes women's entitlement.
The Islamic model of marriage gender roles is attuned to human nature, the fitra, and human happiness and flourishing.
But in our haste to follow the non-Muslims down their lizard hole of marital insecurity and mutual mistrust, we abandon our own beautiful Islamic system and run after their dysfunctional mess.
[Of course, this is pertinent to situations where it is possible for the husband to carry the financial burden alone as the sole provider, yet the wife chooses to work anyway. There are other scenarios, obviously, in which a dual income is needed just to be able to put food on the table. These situations are outside this discussion.]
annaxmalina
dededos
izzy806
gummygunk
jbbartram-illu
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
areudirty
