I think a big consequence of the belittling of fiction is people's continuous inability to translate the idea expressed in fiction into their own reality and to see that they're repeating a pattern they would find mistaken if they saw it in a fictional setting
and "belittling fiction" happens in many ways:
expressing that creative arts are less important than sciences
saying that art is a luxury
believing that art is only able to be "properly experienced" by people who have a certain standard of "intelligence"
dismissing any critical opinion or dissent as "hate"
telling people which art is for them and which is not because of their culture, gender, orientation, age, etc.
discouraging any deep conversation into someone just needing to "touch grass", as if the only options were to mindlessly consume or violently fight about
not looking into anything because "it's just fiction"
underestimating a message because of the vessel it's carried in (the medium, the style, the genre)
I could go on
so you see people reading the hunger games and going "how do people not see they could live better if the capitol didn't hold all the power?" but then they fail to see that modern colonialism is the same exact thing and some nations hold the power over others and dictate how they should behave, how little they can develop or which of their resources they want to take, since they're themselves capitol citizens in real life
or people see a story like orb: on the movements of the earth, an anime/manga about the continuous journey of different scholars and writers to try to study heliocentrism, and they go "it's so messed up that people were unable to develop science because they just didn't want to expand their thinking" but then you see people dismissing specific forms of therapy or treatment because it's a new approach to what has been done for the past 3 decades
or you see people watching star wars and going "'join the dark side, we have cookies' is just a joke" and then they vote for palpatine in real life and see police forces repressing protests with violence and gas and don't think anything of it
you see people reading/watching x men and feeling so sorry for how the mutants are constantly treated and are enraged at people actually protesting against their mere existence with violence and hate speech yet they don't even bother to care about trans lives enough to even stop financially supporting jk rowling's empire
you see people watching star trek talking about a bright future for human kind when we get rid of prejudice, social differences and money, yet they call the exact same values "woke" in any new show that appears
they also see kirk, spock, picard, la forge, gary seven talking about how science has been developing faster than human kind's awareness to how it should be used, yet they fully trust their lives on what ai responds to their questions about health, legal advice, mental support, study and work
you see people watching jurassic park and hear hammond justifying himself as "sparing no expense" when people's lives were at risk and animal life has been changed forever, but they don't even question how there are so many spaces turned into data centers every day because of the same greed
I could go on forever with this but the point is, reading comprehension in fiction isn't just about finding nuance in morally gray characters, settling a fandom dispute or interpreting what the author's personal experience must have been like when they wrote something
it should be primarily about recognizing the ideas behind fiction and how you can see their impact around you
you think you're katniss but you're voting for snow, you think you're luke but you're applauding the storm troopers, you think you're charles xavier but you're supporting the anti-mutant groups, you think you're kirk but you're giving ai your job
art is one of humanity's biggest resources, we shouldn't be wasting it
This is the clearest and best take on the actual consequences of media literacy I have ever seen, and I think it's something that people who talk about media literacy (myself included) forget to point out sometimes. If we don't talk about the actual impacts of the problem, we can't affect meaningful change
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Another reddit prompt, this one about a priestess getting smutty in a tavern after a few drinks. Enjoy responsibly!
Corinne woke to a sore head, an aching body, and the sound of music. Her eyes opened a crack and she groaned as the light hit them. The music stopped.
“Ah, you're awake,” said the bard. She was sitting on a stool a few feet from the bed, lute in hand, stupid hat perched on her stupid loud head.
Corinne managed another groan and sat up a little. “Ow,” she mumbled.
“There's a coffee on the table to your right,” the bard said. Corinne couldn’t remember her name, but she was grateful for the coffee, which was too hot but helped soothe her raw throat and aching jaw.
The bard started playing again. She expected the noise to rattle her brain but the bard was clearly threading some magic through the strings to help with the hangover. “I'm working on a new piece,” she said, “called: ‘The Lay of the Priestess’. It's about you.”
Corinne rubbed her eyes with her free hand and took another sip. “Oh lord, I don't remember anything that happened last night.”
The bard laughed. “Fortunately, I remember all of it.” The next words were sung, to a lilting tune that sounded less like a lay and more like a tavern reel. “After one drink, she'll smile and laugh; two drinks, she'll dance with the lads! Three drinks and she's groping herself, one more and it's everyone else!”
“Oh no,” Corinne whined, as a memory from early in the night came back to her. A haze of alcohol and a buzz of happiness as she put her hands on anyone who would let her - and a lot of them were happy to let her. A lot of them put their hands on her, too. Strangers’ hands on her hips, on her tits, squeezing and massaging and tugging at her robes.
The bard kept playing but stopped singing. “That's not a word that came out of your mouth all night.”
“Did that really happen?” Corinne asked, but already knew it was true.
“Wait until I get to verse three,” the bard said with a smirk.
Corinne rolled her eyes. “Does it explain why I'm sticky?”
“That's verse six.”
“Six?! How many are there?”
“You gave me a great deal of material. I think I have enough for twelve.”
Corinne whined and slid down in the bed. The longer she was awake the more she remembered. She had been dancing - to the bard's music, no less - and letting the people in the tavern touch and grope and squeeze. Then there was more drinking, and her robes had fallen open. Someone had poured wine over her tits and she'd laughed and moaned when someone else licked it off her. Things got out of hand fast after that. According to the song, which was making her blush crimson, she had ‘drunk the dregs and spread her legs’ and let someone put their tongue on her. Her hazy memory was of cumming quickly and messily, and then kissing the woman who had done it to her. She was too embarrassed to correct the bard's rhyme about their gender. The verses continued, and exposed every one of her sacrilegious, debauched activities. They were things she had dreamed of doing in the convent, but never had the nerve to. She had kissed and touched before of course, but never publicly. Never with strangers. When the bard sang of how she had been passed around a table to raucous applause, her mouth wrapping alternately around wine bottles and members, she remembered why her jaw was sore. She didn't much like the taste of cum, but she found sucking incredibly fulfilling, and washing it down with more wine was a delight.
After the blowjobs was verse five, when she had laid on her back and taken anyone who approached. She remembered there had been a line of eager men and women, elves and humans and tieflings, touching themselves listening to her coupling, excited to do the same. Alcohol was poured on her and into her waiting mouth - whenever it wasn't full of something better - and she was left dripping seed for someone else to clean up with their tongue.
“It just keeps going,” she whispered, aghast, but undeniably aroused by her own behaviour.
“You just kept going, Priestess,” the bard said, in a break in the chorus. “The priestess, the priestess, wine and gin and beer; the priestess, the priestess, she'll fuck everyone here!”
Once the clientele of the tavern had enjoyed her to their fill, they put her on the ground by the fireplace, put a tankard in each hand, and stood in a circle around her.
“Oh, that's why I'm so sticky,” she mumbled, as the memory of cum splattering her naked body and filling the mugs. She hadn't swallowed it like they wanted, but they’d all been delighted when she poured it down herself.
“It is indeed.”
According to the bard's song, she ended the night crawling into the lap of the party's enormous half-orc barbarian. He hadn't touched her all evening, she could remember that, and she was a little sad that he hadn't enjoyed it. As soon as she put a hand on him through his leathers though, it was clear he was plenty excited. She remembered him helping to open the drawstring of his pants so she could ply his enormous member out. It was too big to suck. In retrospect she thought it might have been too big to take inside her at all, but drunk beyond reason, fuck-drunk, and drenched in cum, she didn't care about that. She had laid against his chest and worked his cock inside her, and according to the bard had fallen asleep then and there, with the biggest cock in the tavern stretching her. That wasn't true, she had just been too happily filled to move. She had stayed there, unmoving, while the party whiled the night away in conversation.
“Goodness me,” she said when it was over. “I should stay away from alcohol.”
“Nobody else thinks that,” the bard said, strumming a final chord and laying down the lute. “Everyone had a wonderful time.”
“Including me,” she admitted. “But wait, you said there were twelve verses. That was only eleven.”
The bard smirked. “Ah, you've caught me,” she said. “I was hoping to find the inspiration for that last verse with you personally.”
The priestess’ blush deepened, but she smiled, at laid aside her coffee.
The best decision I ever made was spending £7 a month on a VPN that puts me in Belgium because now the adverts I can't block all show up in a language I don't speak. You cannot get me to buy that because I don't know what it is
Also it's extremely troubling that anyone thinks a character 'needs' consequences for being a bad person. They aren't real. Not every story is a morality play for children, for fucksake, grow up
Every so often, a piece of media comes along that highlights a major lack of media literacy. Annihilation showed that nobody can handle subtext even when it’s shoved in their face. Half His Age showed that apparently nobody understands an unreliable narrator any more. It was by no means the first, but Breaking Bad reminded us that a good proportion of men are completely oblivious to whether or not a character is pure evil or just a woman. And now, we have The Amazing Digital Circus, which I think demonstrates that nobody can even figure out what a story is about any more. We have reached a new low, a paucity of literacy so severe I think we’re collectively losing a grasp of what media even is anymore.
The Amazing Digital Circus is a story about human connection, personhood, trauma, repression and being in the closet. It is not, as most of the people I’ve seen on Reddit seem to think, a mystery box about a digital world that needs to be picked apart through background details so it can be solved. So much commentary about the show (even from the start, though it got significantly more problematic with the release of the finale) focused entirely on the supposed mystery of how the Circus came to be, how it worked, where it was, and how each of the characters arrived there. This was never particularly important to the story.
Yes, it is a part of the plot. Escaping the circus is the motivating force of episodes 7 and 8, but it’s only a vehicle for character drama. The revelation that escape is actually physically impossible comes early in the final episode and while it is clearly devastating news to the characters, it ultimately doesn’t change the stakes of the story for the audience. The whole narrative purpose of the possibility of escape is to provide a reason for Jax to be afraid he might have to return to the real world after all, and face the consequences of his actions. His panic attack in episode 7 and selfish decision to force everyone to remain in the circus is entirely motivated by the fear of returning to the real world and facing both the consequences of the argument with his mother and coming out of the closet, and that is the entire point of the ‘escape the circus’ arc.
After the finale was released, I saw a Reddit post that argued that the pilot episode failed to set up the show as a character drama and instead pulled the rug out from under the audience by pivoting. It even implied that the show was always intended to be the mystery story they wanted, and at some point Glitch or Gooseworx or both changed the idea. This demonstrates both a confidently wrong conception of how media production works that personally makes me want to rip out my own teeth and swallow them, and a wilfully ignorant reading of the first episode.
In that episode, we’re introduced to the rules of the circus at breakneck speed. We’re told in the fastest exposition dialogue I have ever seen everything we need to know: there is a headset, they can’t leave, Caine is in charge and can do anything. After that, Ragatha explains the other salient points to Pomni, the narrative point of which is to establish the concept of abstraction as a symbolic representation of psychotic break and suicide, which is neatly tied up just in time to meet abstracted Kaufmo. Any explanation of the circus is in service of understanding the characters’ motivations, and the ‘in house adventure’ is almost entirely inconsequential and is solved by abstracto ex machina without any input from the characters. It was always about the people. The circus has always been a convenient narrative backdrop to put these characters in situations and see how they react. The show never pretended or implied or wanted to be about solving some mystery of how everyone came to be there or why.
Over the course of the show, we’re given all the information about the circus. Pomni sees the headset and visibly recognises it in the Exit simulation in episode 1, Kinger explains how it all works in his exposition about Scratch and Caine in episodes 8 and 9, where we also see Caine taking control of Abel and building the circus. We know for sure how everyone except Ragatha and Gangle found the headset, but even if we didn’t it wouldn’t matter at all. How and why is completely unimportant to the plot. We don’t need to understand how they got there, because what matters is the people they are while they’re there. When we find out what the people who became the circus characters are doing in the real world, it isn’t because that solves some piece of the puzzle, it’s to demonstrate Caine’s growing understanding of humanity, provide closure for them never escaping, and make the overarching point that even if a part of you thinks you can’t ever change or make an impact on the world, there is a version of you that absolutely can.
That should be the lasting lesson of The Amazing Digital Circus: that even if you feel trapped in a version of yourself that you hate, there is always a version of you that can move on and be better. Not where specifically the server is that runs Caine’s program, or if abstraction is a metaphor for uncompressing a large file, or if Caine tried to remove the tumour from Scratch, or what relevance the number 57 has. Those are all real posts on reddit. Those are the things people took away from the ending. I have not seen a single post discussing why it was the blue Abel part of Caine’s AI that caused his psychotic attempts to make everyone like him and not the red Caine part that was boxed for being unconventional. I have seen constant arguments about whether Jax is good or bad representation for trans people and if having a traumatic explanation for his behaviour redeems him or not, and (except on tumblr, the last bastion of people knowing what the fuck they’re talking about) no analysis of what that says about his characterisation. People legitimately do not understand why Jax has a panic attack in episode 7 about the possibility of leaving the circus. There is a theory with legitimate traction and believers that Caine interfered with Jax’s mind in that moment. That is a real thing actual human beings who watched this show believe.
Jax makes for an interesting case study. Plenty of people completely rejected that he was trans (I’m using he/him pronouns for Jax because that’s what’s used throughout the show, and by the end Leeroy is still boymoding and I respect the egg prime directive) after the finale, and plenty of people had spent the entire run of the show documenting every little detail that suggested he was. Just for fun, I went back through after the finale ended and did a close reading myself and found a few things I think other people have missed. They’re not important to this point, so I won’t talk about them here, but it’s been pretty clearly implied the whole time. The point is that the people who reject the trans Jax reading of the show are not doing the same close readings. They have made liking Jax’s cool tumblr sexyman attitude and casual cruelty a part of their personality and now they can’t disentangle themselves from a trans woman. I have not seen a single example of a non-trans Jax reading of this show that makes any textual sense, or even has textual examples beyond Jax clearly lying about being uncomplicated.
Putting all the points in this primal hallucination of an essay together, it exposes something a bit troubling in the landscape of media consumption: an unwillingness to engage with a text on its own terms. People can trot out ‘death of the author’ arguments all day, but in textual analysis and close reading, intent and context are indispensable research tools in understanding the meaning of a piece of media. There might be a gulf between what the author meant and the meaning you take (Tolkien and how The Lord of the Rings relates to world war and environmentalism is a great example), but that difference can only be justified with accurate and evidenced examples from the text itself. Instead, people are constantly saying things that are provably, obviously wrong about The Amazing Digital Circus with the confidence of god. Someone argued that the show ‘barely passed the Bechdel test’, which is both literally impossible (the test is a pass/fail, there is no grading system) and not even true by their own metric (yes, a couple of conversations between non-masculine characters start with mentioning Jax or Kinger, but they aren’t about them). This kind of surface level, shallow understanding of analysis pervades the online discussions of this show and reminds me of the prevalence of completely misunderstood therapy-speak in condemning or excusing the behaviour of real people.
We have entered an era of media incompetence, where nobody can tell intent from their own kneejerk reactions. Everything must be explained every ten seconds because they were looking at their phone instead of watching, and every story beat must be resolved with a neat little bow. Nothing can be left to interpretation. Nothing can be ambiguous. Nothing can be a narrative device without justification. Everything must be made to make sense, and nothing can be uncomfortable. The Amazing Digital Circus must be about how the simulation works, because if it’s about a closeted trans woman then why is anything else happening? It is a lazy, infantile, cowardly way to experience media and if something doesn’t change soon we will be doomed to an infinite expanse of Disney+ shows where nothing upsetting is ever allowed to happen.
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This is a super short little drabble from a reddit writing prompts post, which I will probably do more of as warm up writing exercises. If people like it, I might extend it some more because it ends before the good stuff. Anyway, enjoy!
Karinea was aware she didn't know much about the outside world. She had been raised by the Order of Valentus, and hadn't left the monastery until her first mission. That had been simple enough: all her companions were fighters and clerics of the Order, and while the wilds, towns and villages they encountered were strange to her, the rules and customs within her party were not. She became complacent, and perhaps forgot some of her earliest lessons about the people not raised in the light of the Pleasure Lord.
Which, Karinea realised, might explain the look of shock on Wivenne's face when she produced her holy relic from her satchel and bade her undress for the healing ritual.
Wivenne was not from the order. After a dragon attack had driven her party to flee, they had all become separated, and Karinea had found herself defending a group of survivors from the local village against the kobold horde. Wivenne was the tavern bard, and had taken up arms to defend her home. The injuries she had suffered in the battle were not serious, but Karinea had invited her into the private room the innkeep had granted her for her help nonetheless. The Lord of Pleasure let no suffering go untreated, after all.
"By all the gods, what is that?" Wivenne demanded, taking a step back towards the door.
Karinea clutched the holy symbol to her chest protectively. The glass tip was pleasantly warm against her chin. "It's the Wand of Valentus," she explained. "The blessed symbol of my order."
She wore a simplified version of the Wand on her chestpiece, though in fairness to Wivenne that was a lot more abstract and less... anatomical. The relic she carried was almost 8 inches of carefully cast glass with threads of gossamer thin gold woven throughout. Those represented the veins, and the liquid core of holy seed that ran through the center issued from her god himself. The handle at the base was wrapped in simple leather, and Karinea's first lesson as a novice had been to learn the various grips.
"Is it now," Wivenne said, a sceptical eyebrow raised. She folded her arms. "Whatever happened to good old 'Lay on Hands'?"
Karinea brightened. "I can do that instead, if you prefer."
Wivenne opened her mouth to answer, and then paused. "When you say 'Lay on Hands', am I right in thinking I'll still need to disrobe?"
"Oh no, of course not," Karinea said, going to put the Wand back in her pack. "I can just slide my hand into your leathers. I don't need to see what I'm doing, I'm quite talented." It was a brag, but she knew she was a good healer. All her instructors agreed. She slipped her index and middle fingers into her mouth to wet them and stepped forward. Wivenne put a hand on her shoulder to stop her, with surprising strength from such a small woman.
"Sweetheart, I think you're in a sex cult," she said. "Look, you're very pretty and I'm flattered, and maybe if my ribs didn't ache so much this might go a different way, but do you have any way you can heal me that doesn't involve you putting anything inside me?"
Karinea was a little hurt at the cult accusation. Valentus was a real god, his blessings felt around the world, the healing power of his touch pure and unmistakable. She let it slide though, because prioritising the safety and health of others was His first command, and there was still a wounded elf in front of her.
"Of course, there are a number of rituals I can perform on myself," she said. "I can direct the power of Valentus into you, you'll just need to hold my hand while I do."
"And these rituals...?"
"Oral, vaginal, or anal," Karinea explained brightly.
Wivenne sighed heavily, and then winced.
"You're in pain," Karinea said softly, and took Wivenne's hand in her own. She had been so caught up in her duties, than she had forgotten the poor injured soul in front of her and the physical toll she was suffering. Pain wasn't antithetical to pleasure of course, she had studied its relationship and the joy it could bring, but without commensurate satisfaction there was suffering, and the Lord of Pleasure sought to defeat suffering wherever it was found. "Please let me help you, Wivenne."
The elf woman sighed again. "You know what? Fine. Suck the damn thing."
Karinea couldn't suppress a little gasp of happiness. She drew the Wand again from her satchel, and arranged herself on the bed. Wivenne awkwardly refused to look at the holy relic and blushed violet, but Karinea was just excited to fulfil her role as healer.
"Come," she said. "Hold my hand, while I worship the Lord of Pleasure, and channel his prowess into healing your wounds through the pleasure of my mouth."
Wivenne's blush deepened, but she sat next to Karinea on the bed, pointedly looking away, and slipped her fingers into Karinea's palm.
Karinea offered her a smile, and the used the tip of the Wand to part her own lips.
I did not like Three Body Problem, and now that's your three body problem too
For a long time, it felt like everyone I knew wanted me to read this book. It's one of those big, impactful sci-fi stories I have never got around to reading, despite its influence and somewhat ropey netflix show (which I have started and will review another time) The last straw was an actual honest-to-god physicist telling me I should read it while consulting for a writing project, and it still took me another couple of years to actually get around to it.
Book bad.
My full review, which is very spoiler-y, is under the cut:
Three Body Problem: philosophy, physics, and a total lack of character development
The Three Body Problem as a scientific principle is relatively easy to understand in basic terms. Three objects orbiting each other (outside a handful of proven starting conditions) will move so chaotically that their paths cannot be predicted. There are too many variables, too many inconsistencies. The problem appears in the book as the driving motivation for the Trisolaran civilisation's plan to invade Earth, as their planet caught between the orbits of Proxima Centauri, Alpha Centauri A and Alpha Centauri B has no chance of survival. Having been contacted by a transmission from Earth, the Trisolarans hatch a plan to inhibit humanity's scientific development and recruit sympathisers on Earth to shape society. While we get the information out of order - as the protagonist learns it - the premise is ultimately very simple.
What follows (and makes up most of the book) is dry astrophysics explanations for various plot details, delivered in the same bored tone of a student reciting for an exam by every single character. When there's an element of the alien plan that needs to be elaborated, there is Ye Wenjie to flatly tell us everything that happened; when the mysteries of orbital mechanics need to be solved, Wang Miao is there to enlighten us. Most egregiously, when it becomes necessary to explain how the Trisolarans are able to affect physics on Earth – the entire crux of the first third of the book – we travel to their homeworld for an extended lesson on theoretical quantum particle physics delivered in dense explanation by the leading minds of the alien invasion force, who remain entirely unnamed throughout. While the Trisolarans are described as intentionally emotionless and pragmatic to ensure the survival of their species, their actual affect and characterisation barely differ from the named human cast at all.
Nominally, Wang Miao is the protagonist, though he shares storytelling duties with Ye Wenjie. We learn in chapter 3 that he's a keen amateur film photographer, and soon after that he has a wife and child. After the narrative utility of these details are fulfilled, he never takes another photograph and his wife and child vanish completely from the story. After his photography session, he never looks at the world with the attitude of a photographer, never describes scenes or events in artistic language, and never engages in anything other than the plot and occasional massive alcoholic crashout over the impending end of human civilisation. Ye Wenjie serves as the protagonist of the far more interesting Red Coast chapters, which explores her evolution from the daughter of a teacher cruelly murdered in the Cultural Revolution to the enigmatic commander of a powerful alien-backed cult, but her story is bogged down in the scientific minutiae of running the secret project to search for alien life. While interesting, those details detract massively from any opportunity for character development. The reveal that she has completely given up on human civilisation and invites the Trisolaran fleet to invade is entirely unexpected for the simple reason that we see a lot more of her opinions on the quality of the machine components than her fellow man.
Like Ye Wenjie, every character who espouses their political stance (which is most of them) is firmly convinced that humanity is evil beyond redemption and cannot possibly solve their own problems any more. Unlike other philosophical positions, and even scientific principles, this stance is never justified or elaborated upon in the text. Mike Evans, upon inheriting more than four billion dollars, resigns himself to failure because that amount of money surely must have been spent on conservation efforts in the past. While it would make perfect sense for a multi-billionaire to give up on humanity and pursue their own esoteric and destructive interests, his decision does not invite reflection – not from the characters, readers, or seemingly the writer. The characters in the book fall into three factions: Adventists, who believe the Trisolarans should wipe out humanity; Redemptionists, who believe the Trisolarans can absolve humanity of its sins; and the Battle Command Centre, an organisation run by the Chinese and American militaries, CIA, and police. While the Adventists and Redemptionists oppose each other, their philosophies on human nature align. The opponents to this myopic world view never espouse much political opinion: they are simply against the alien invasion for the preservation of humanity. The lack of exposition about the driving political motivation for the protagonist's faction is extremely out of place in a book that takes great pains to explain every astrophysics concept in excruciating detail.
Three Body Problem is ultimately a book that holds itself back. Through its hell-bent intention to explain scientific principles – both the real and the imagined – and examine the potential political and sociological ideas of a far-future alien invasion, it sacrifices any room for character development in its protagonist and fails to build much of a world that exists outside of the philosophical constructs it attempts to explore. In the end, Trisolaris can have this version of the earth, because it doesn't seem a particularly interesting world.
If you've been following me for a while (I love you for it, but god why are you here?), you've probably noticed that I haven't posted in a long while except to talk about looking for work (oh god I still need it please hire me I'll beg), and also that one post about Darth Maul
While things have been a little bit financially grim for me of late, I am extremely happy. I haven't mentioned her before on this account, but I am deeply in love with a wonderful, incredible woman who completes me and breathes life into my soul. We are recently engaged, we're getting married in November next year. I am the happiest I have ever been, and also the busiest I have ever been, which brings me to the next point:
I am finally getting my shit together
I have worked in independent production for too long, and it has taken me far too long to realise that I hate it. Yes, that might be connected to not having much financial stability any more, but I need to get out of it. I am going to devote more of my time to writing, which is always what I wanted to do. There will be smut, there will be reviews of books and movies and shows, there will be more smut, there will be different smut, there will be monsters and lesbians and romance. It seems silly to put up a post announcing that there will be more posts, but I need this to hold myself accountable and keep going. Writing is my job, my passion, and a big part of my identity. I have neglected it too long, and it's time to come home
I'm a writer and editor with years of experience, a degree in literature and creative writing and another in film. I've been working as a freelancer in indie film and audio production for the last six years, but I'm building up my portfolio to move into copy-editing.
Rates are decided on a per-project basis, and I'll definitely take some things on for free. My work is on this blog and on AO3 here, I'll work on any project from fanfic to non-fiction to original work, and my turn-around time is extremely fast
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Alright, I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling right now but if anyone out there needs a proofreader, editor, writing advisor or anything else literary, send me a DM or an email at [email protected] for a quote to help you out. My bonafides are on my account, you can see how good I am at what I do and I will take the time to make your work the best it can be
egg: I love Egg. There are too many ways to Egg and most of them are amazing. If I had to pick it would be a grudge match between poached (on wholemeal toast with wilted spinach, black pepper, barbecue sauce, hot sauce, and chives) or omelette (chives, red leicester cheese, turmeric, paprika, splash of balsamic vinegar)
Steak: vegetarian, but I've never liked a big wedge of meat like that anyway. Personally I think the best thing you can do with steak is cut it into strips, flash fry it (in a pan used to caramelise onions) and then finish cooking in szechuan pepper sauce
Milk: most of my milk goes into cooking so I use regular semi-skimmed because it's cheap. If I'm feeling fancy though I make a bechemel with cashew milk that has a really nice nutty flavour that goes really well with mushrooms and pesto
Alcohol: I don't drink, but the best cocktail is a mojito. The best alcohol for cooking is white wine (contrary to popular belief, cheap wine is not better for cooking. All those extra flavours you get in nice wine will be *more* obvious with the alcohol cooked out, not less) because it's less heavy than red, or sakē if you need a spirit
Warm drink: hot chocolate made right. Instant hot chocolate is miserable, the powdered stuff you add to hot milk is good, but shaving a block of cooking chocolate and making it on the stove with a cinnamon stick, a bit of honey, and some chilli flakes is the best
Heartbreakingly, I don't think I'm going to be able to keep up with @wolfwrenweek this time. I'm already a day behind and I am really struggling today too. I will keep writing, and they will get posted soon, and I'll still use the tags, but it's just not going to happen this time
Wolfwren24 day 2! I'm not late, it's the 12th somewhere in the world!
THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE, INVERTED - read it on A03 HERE!
Shin woke slowly, and then all at once. A deep breath surged into her lungs and she scrabbled to get up, gloves and boots squeaking on the polished stone floor. Her lightsaber was in her hand and ignited before her feet were properly under her, and the weight of the blade pulled her a little off-balance.
The temple had changed. The shapes were the same - the sharp-featured Nightsister statues, the domed ceiling, the enormous sealed door - but it was no longer a ruin. The stone underfoot was unbroken and neatly swept, and the statues glared down with unmarred expressions of distaste. The silence was so total it was almost physical, and the rattling hum of her blade was deafening in the dark. There were no stars in the sky above her.
It started at the far end of the room. To the right of the door, opposite the entrance, a flicker of light spilled from a corridor Shin hadn't seen before - if it had even been there in the first place. The light grew stronger, and her ears pricked at the sound of footsteps on stone.
Her left foot slid back slowly as her arms raised, and her body coiled into a ready stance. She could cover the distance to the passageway in one leaping slash, if she needed to. Shin hoped it was Baylan. She hoped it was Sabine. She had last seen both of them sprawled on the ground, wounded or dying.
"You can lower your weapon," came a voice in the dark. "I mean you no harm."
"Show yourself!" Shin demanded. The voice was unfamiliar, but didn't sound like a bandit. Peridea didn't have any other people. This was new.
The light edged forwards into the temple itself, and a man followed it across the threshold. He was old, stooped, and frail, but his voice was clear and strong. The light seemed to reach out from around him, igniting lamps tucked into sconces along the walls with a gentle, steady light. There was no fire or heat, just a warm glow suffusing the room as he came closer.
Shin did not relax her stance.
"You're the one who opened the door," the old man observed.
"Let me back out."
He smiled sadly at that, and stopped just inside the range of a wide swing of Shin's blade. "I can't, I'm afraid. For while we live we cannot leave, and while we remain we cannot truly die."
"I'm not interested in riddles," Shin said. "Where is… where are the others?" She couldn't bring herself to ask after her Master directly. She had a memory of drawing life back into his body, but the events of the last few hours were hazy and there was no telling what was real and what she just wanted to be real.
"When you breached the seal," he said, "your companions were scattered. My daughter included."
Shin's brow wrinkled in confusion. The man looked human - though, she realised with a pang of an emotion she couldn't name, that so did she - and she knew that Sabine was an orphan. It was why her armour meant so much to her.
"My son's influence here is great," the old man continued, still completely unphased by how easy it would be for her to simply cut him down, "and mine weakens by the day."
Shin adjusted her grip on the hilt. Her gloves creaked as she tensed her fist. "Tell me how to find them."
"Please lower your weapon," he said.
Shin had been trying, since she joined Sabine and Ahsoka, to keep her emotions under control. Baylan had taught her Jedi discipline, but it was Ahsoka's example that had given her the drive to perfect it. Frustration was one she still struggled with, and it overwhelmed her now. With a snarl, her lightsaber flashed forwards into a reverse grip, and she brought the point up under the old man's chin.
"Tell me, now!" she hissed.
The old man sighed, and her lightsaber winked out. Shin took a quick step back, tried to ignite it again, and found she couldn't. For a moment, she forgot her situation, and panic set in that she would never see the burst of flame orange split the air again.
"Please, do not worry, my child," the old man said. "It's not permanent. Just until you master yourself."
Shin's hand snapped out and she reached for his throat with the Force. It was like he wasn't there. There was a presence in the Force, a blinding presence, but nothing she could manipulate. Her fingers tightened on nothing. The frustration and the panic and the fear crystalised and hardened into a fine, sharp point of anger, and she threw herself at him like a dart. He stepped back neatly, far faster than a man of his obvious age could, and Shin put her weight behind a kick to his abdomen that didn't connect either. She howled and struck out, hands and feet blurring as she tried to land a single strike. His face stayed impassive as he moved faster than anyone could, until Shin had exhausted herself and stumbled away. He wasn't even breathing particularly hard.
Shin put her hand out and leaned her weight against the wall. "Please," she heaved through huffs of air. "I need to find her."
"There is a way."
The old man crossed his arms and tucked his arms into the opposite sleeve, and came a little closer. This time, he stopped just outside of striking range, which Shin was distantly pleased to see.
"I'll do it," Shin said.
His face softened a little, and Shin was uncomfortably reminded of Baylan in the quiet moments of their life. He said, "it is not a simple thing."
She said, "I don't care."
"Your destiny is not yet written, child of Dathomir." Shin fought hard to suppress the urge not to attack him again. Why had Baylan never told her where she came from? Why had he let her believe a lie? But the old man was still talking, and she forced her mind back to the present. "This bond will seal your fate to hers. What happens to one will affect the other, you must understand this."
Shin straightened up. In truth, she hadn't known Sabine long. The Mandalorian didn't know it, but Shin had been keeping track, and the counter in her head of 'days spent as friends' had ticked over to total more than 'days spent as enemies' only very recently. And in a secret part of her, Shin was also counting the number of days looking at her made her stomach clench and heat flash in her cheeks, when hearing her speak brought a stupid smile to her face for no reason other than the sound of words in her mouth, and when the touch of their hands was the only sensation she cared to feel. Shin had been fascinated at first, and then that feeling had deepened, and twisted, and wrapped around her until she was fully ensnared.
"I'm already hers," Shin announced.
"A bond in the Force cannot be undone," he warned.
Shin allowed herself a small smile, because neither could whatever bond it was that joined them now. "I don't care," she said again.
The old man sighed sadly, and took a step towards her. Shin involuntarily stepped away. "Forgive me, child," he said, "but this is how it must be done."
Shin swallowed, and nodded, and let him lay a clammy hand against her shoulder.
Sabine couldn't move her arms. The creature had pinned them to her sides, squeezed hard enough to crush the breath out of her lungs, with claws as thick as the tree branches that whipped past her. She kicked her feet to struggle, but it only tightened its grip. She still couldn't see it, not properly, only nightmarish flashes of a monstrous, bat-like shape. In the back of her mind it reminded her of a creature she had seen circling in the distance on Dathomir. Below her the ground and the tops of the trees slashed past. A few of them clipped her face or tore at her flightsuit where it was unprotected by beskar, and she felt a hundred narrow cuts tear open her skin. If she could just get her fingers to a blaster, she could try and free herself.
Above her, the creature that had been impersonating Shin screeched in clear, sharp fury.
And then Sabine felt a familiar presence. Shin's hand in her own. She couldn't believe she had ever taken the imposter as the real deal for even a second: Shin's presence in the Force was unmistakable. The thing threatening to crush her or drop her to her death had none of her warmth, none of her care. They were night and day. Shin, somehow there, guided her hand away from scratching against her holster harness and gently turned her wrist so her palm faced the claw. Sabine marvelled at the contact, but dared not question how it was happening. Wordlessly, Shin's fingers closed Sabine's into a fist.
"You have to trust me," Shin coaxed. Her voice was soft, and close, but inside her head. Sabine almost felt she could feel the tickle of a stray strand of hair on her cheek, the whisper of Shin's short breaths as she concentrated, and the smell of her clothes and skin. Her hand was still but insistent on Sabine's own.
"I do," Sabine gasped out.
"Let go."
Together, they opened their hands. Sabine reached out with the Force, and Shin reached through her, and the beast's grip snapped open. There was a half-second of total weightlessness before Sabine started to fall, and in that half-second Shin let go of her hand.
She screamed with all the air she had in her lungs as she plummetted towards the ground, pushing desperately into the Force to slow her fall the way she had seen Kanan do all those years ago. Nothing happened. She felt the thrill of connection run down her arms, but it wasn't enough. It was over.
Just before Sabine decided to close her eyes for her last moment, she was there. Shin stepped out of the air where Sabine was going to land, reached up with both hands, and grabbed her. It wasn't the gentle catch and lift that Ezra and Kanan had perfected, and it reminded her a lot more of when Shin had tried to crush her throat on Seatos. Shin snatched her up like she was jealous of the hold gravity had on her, and wrapped her in a grip almost as viciously tight as the creature's had been. She brought her down to the ground like she was reluctant to let go, but as soon as Sabine's feet touched the dirt she lunged forwards and threw her arms around her.
"I'm sorry," Shin blurted. "I lost touch, I didn't mean to - "
"You saved my life," Sabine interrupted her.
Long before Sabine was ready, Shin stepped backwards out of her arms, turned her head as if she heard something, and then nodded stiffly. "You have to go now," she said. "Your Master - "
"She's in danger, I know," Sabine nodded. "How did you - ?"
Shin stepped forwards again, the way she stalked towards her in a duel, and grabbed Sabine with both hands on the side of her head. She pulled her into a kiss, and their teeth clashed off each other in their desperate rush. Too soon again, Shin pulled away.
"I just will. Now go."
Sabine lingered for a moment, wanting more than anything to feel Shin's hands on her again, to feel her lips and her teeth and her tongue, but Shin's expression brooked no argument, so she turned and set off. When she looked back, Shin had vanished in the trees.
Miles away, over the top of the trees, dawn came to Mortis again.
Baylan's plan teeters on the edge of fruition, as Shin and Sabine close in
AO3 Here
Sabine scanned the entrance of the structure through her helmet heads-up-display, but the snow was making it impossible to track any movement inside.
"That's where they are," Shin said from beside her. Sabine looked over at her and tilted her head quizzically. "Don't you feel them?"
She still found it incredibly difficult to tap into the Force unless her life was in danger, but Shin had helped her with centering herself when she meditated the last few times she had tried. If she really focused, she thought she could feel a flickering presence inside the temple, but she wasn't sure if it was real or just what she wanted to experience.
"Are you sure about this?" she asked Shin, forced to raise her voice to be heard over the wind. It had picked up since Huyang had dropped them off and he'd been forced to take the ship out of the worst of it.
Shin glowered at her from under her hood. She was wearing her cloak over some of Ahsoka's darker robes and her own armour, and all Sabine could see of her face was her eyes and a wisp of her fringe. "I dueled Baylan every day for twenty years," she shouted. "If anyone can stop him, I can."
Sabine refrained from pointing out that she herself could never take Ahsoka in a straight fight, partly because it said more about her skill than anyone else's. "That's not exactly what I meant," she said instead.
"He abandoned me!" Shin yelled, jabbing her finger into Sabine's chest. "He was all I had, and he left me!" the finger turned into her closed fist, and Sabine barely kept her footing as Shin hit her breastplate. Her voice wasn't raised to be heard over the wind, now she was just screaming. "I have to do this!"
Sabine grabbed Shin by the shoulders and pulled her close, trapping her arm between them so she couldn't hit her any more. She stuggled for a moment, because screaming and raging was easier, but she fell still in the end and let Sabine hold her. They swayed in the wind, and the snow settled on Shin's hood. When she stopped shaking, Sabine reached up to take off her helmet so she could hear her speaking without the filter in the way.
"I'm so sorry, Shin," she said. They were close enough that the words carried in spite of the wind.
Shin's hand snaked up from between their bodies and tugged the wrap down from her face. The tears streaking her cheeks had to be painful in the freezing air, but Sabine forgot all about them when Shin gently touched her lips to her own. It was barely a kiss: their lips simply lay against each other in a chaste expression of security and comfort, but it was everything Sabine could have possibly wanted in that moment. When Shin moved her head away, Sabine reached her free hand to her face and carefully wiped the tears from her flushed cheeks with the edge of her thumb.
"Let's go," she said.
*
Morai was the embodiment of the Mortis god Daughter's spirit, given to Ahsoka in her dying moments to save her life. She saw her in the moments where she doubted herself, or she had lost her way, but they weren't separate entities any more. Morai was the part of her that dragged her to this place, and Morai was the creature that hadn't let her die on Seatos. Because Morai wanted to return here, to Mortis. All Ahsoka had to do was let her open the door.
She could feel the spirit inside her, yearning to be reunited with her family on the other side of the door, and she forced it into submission. Baylan could sense her conflict of course, and was quickly realising that what he wanted was within his grasp, but Ahsoka was still in charge of her body. For now at least.
"I always assumed there was more to the Mortis account than Skywalker's official reports suggested," Baylan said as he circled Ahsoka, casually observing the sweat beading on her brow and the tension in her arms. "It's nice to be proven right."
"Anakin left a lot out," Ahsoka said, failing to keep the strain out of her voice. "He did that a lot."
"Hmm," Baylan chuckled softly. "Despite what I said about your legacy, Anakin Skywalker was a great man," he said, and crossed back into Ahsoka's line of sight. "Would you like to see him again?"
"Excuse me?" she said. The creature inside her was forcing its way to the surface. She had felt it before, when Brother had stolen her body and used it against her Master and cast her aside to die afterwards. Whatever was left of Daughter was weak, but it would eventually win.
Baylan shrugged slightly. "The gods of Mortis have incredible power. I could bring General Skywalker back, the way he used to be."
"You think they'll serve you?" Ahsoka hissed. Her muscles were burning and she could feel acid in her veins.
Baylan shook his head once. "I'm going to destroy them," he said. "And free the Force from their yoke."
Ahsoka's gaze shifted to a spot just over Baylan's shoulder. "I don't need their magic," she said. "Anakin is always with me."
Over Baylan's shoulder, the hazy figure of her Master gave her an encouraging smile. She smiled back, and Baylan turned to look.
Anakin wasn't there any more, but someone else had taken his place. Shin stood at the threshold of the temple, lightsaber hilt already in her hand, with Sabine moving into position to cover her with both blasters. Ahsoka had been so wrong to leave without them, but there was no apologising now.
"Shin?" Baylan said, so stunned to see her he took a step backwards. His usual arrow-straight posture dipped a little as he stared at her.
"Master," she said, a sneer in her voice.
"I thought - you were supposed to go with Thrawn."
"You knew where I was," she snarled. "I felt it."
"You shouldn't have come here!" Baylan roared at her, and Ahsoka saw Sabine flinch at the anger in his voice.
Shin wasn't fazed in the slightest, and took three steps towards her Master. Under her gloves, her knuckles would be white with tension as she gripped her hilt like she was trying to strangle it. "You said I was going to be something more than a Jedi," she spat. "And then you left me!"
"Because I couldn't do that to you," Baylan said. There was no rage in his voice now - Ahsoka thought he sounded more like he was pleading. If she wasn't focusing every ounce of strength into holding Daughter at bay for as long as she could, she might have tried to understand what that meant.
Shin had nothing left to say. Her lightsaber ignited with a spark and she flew at Baylan with a scream that would wake the dead. He barely managed to bring up his own blade in time to block her first frenzied strikes, and she battled him back with furious, blindingly fast strikes.
Sabine stared, dumbfounded, as the two of them fought. Their matching orange lightsabers twirled and clashed so fast she couldn't tell which was which. Shin's anguished, rage-filled screams blended with the crackling, sparking crashes of blade-on-blade loud enough to deafen the thoughts inside her head, and for a moment she couldn't decide between trying to get a shot on Baylan or rushing to her Master's side. Ahsoka decided for her by collapsing with a cry that sounded like it took all the breath in her lungs.
"Ahsoka!" she cried out, sprinting over to her and skidding to her knees.
"I'm alright," she gasped, clearly lying. Her face was streaked with pale veins that snaked under her skin, and her blue eyes were flecked with green. Even as Sabine looked at her, the flecks grew larger, like an infection growing in a cut.
"Karabast, what do I do?!" Sabine begged.
"Save… Shin," Ahsoka managed, and Sabine looked up at the fight happening in the centre of the temple.
The light beaming down highlighted them, Master and Padawan, like a spotlight on a stage. Shin had the advantage of speed and fury, but Baylan had recovered quickly from her first strike and was slowly but surely beating her into the ground. Every one of his strikes was considered and devastating, and soon Shin was on her knees, desperately holding her lightsaber up as Baylan prepared a killing blow.
Sabine was on her feet and shooting before she had even fully processed what was happening. She hammered the triggers of both pistols as she circled Baylan, trying to overwhelm his defences with the sheer volume of blaster fire. If she had more distance between them, it might have worked. Instead, one of his deflections found its mark - a blaster bolt hit her hard in the chest where her beskar would normally have saved her. This time, the shot burned straight through and melted into her skin. Sabine screamed and collapsed, hitting the floor so hard her helmet rattled off her head and bounced away. Distantly, she heard Shin scream and tried to cling on to the sound as her vision started to blur.
"Enough!"
Ahsoka's voice was loud and angry enough to drag Sabine's attention away from the burning sensation in her chest. She had somehow managed to get back to her feet, despite the colour draining out of her skin and one of her eyes turning completely green. She had taken Sabine's lightsaber from her belt while she was distracted, and though her right hand was shaking, her left was completely steady as it held the hilt to her own heart.
"Ahsoka, no!" Sabine tried to gasp, but what came out was a strained gurgle.
Baylan lowered his lightsaber, but didn't deactivate it. "She won't let you," he said, but he didn't sound sure.
A sharp smile spread over Ahsoka's face. "Sure? Because there's no way into Mortis if you're wrong."
"Yes there is," Baylan said. Before he could say anything else, Shin's lightsaber pierced him from behind and kept going through the centre of his chest until the hilt pressed into his spine. He choked on the breath trying to leave his severed lung and his eyes widened in shock. Shin killed her lightsaber and Baylan collapsed to his knees, gasping for air that wouldn't come.
"Master!" she cried out, staring down at her hands like she had only just seen what they had done. Her lightsaber dropped out of her loose grip and rolled away from her on the floor as she hurried to help Baylan lie down. "I… I didn't mean to," she keened, her voice high and shaking as she patted her hands uselessly and the hole burned through his body. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
Baylan turned his head to look at her. "It's okay," he whispered. "It's good that… it was you."
Sabine rolled awkwardly onto her front, despite the agony of the blaster burn, and tried to crawl towards them. Shin's eyes flashed up to her face and she saw so much pain in them she stopped in her tracks.
"Stay away from me," Shin howled at her. Sabine had made her do it. In a fit of fear and horror at seeing her hurt, Shin had killed the only person she had ever known.
Baylan reached a numb hand out to pat Shin's arm. "There's still time," he whispered. "Take me inside."
Shin stared down at him, uncomprehending and horribly afraid. A tear rolled off her nose and dropped down onto his forehead. "I don't understand," she said quietly.
Ahead of her, Ahsoka dropped Sabine's lightsaber. The strange white veins retreated from the surface of her skin and the green in her eyes receded, leaving them bloodshot and pale. With a grunt, she fell sideways. Shin didn't know if she was dead or alive or unconscious, but she didn't care.
"Tell me what to do!" she screamed.
The tendrils of green smoke drifted out from the door towards Shin and Baylan. For a moment, Sabine thought it was some kind of trap - Nightsister magic lying in wait to reanimate the dead - but it ignored Baylan's still body and instead flowed to Shin's fingertips. She ignored it, or couldn't see it, too focused on Baylan's dying body in front of her. The smoke wound its way up her arms and across her chest before plunging into her mouth.
Shin's scream was piercing and laced with grief and pain and rage. Her eyes burst into green fire, and the smoke poured from her mouth, roiling over Sabine and Ahsoka's prone forms and rushing back towards the prison door where it curled and whipped and lashed. Within seconds, the door was completely obscured, and the smoke stayed there until Shin ran out of air and fell to her knees, spent. As it cleared in wisps and clouds, the metal and stone of the door evaporated with it, until by the time it had all dissolved the temple opened out impossibly onto a rolling autumnal forest.
Air filled his lungs again, and the hole in his chest sealed. With a great gasp, Baylan Skoll sat up.
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I accidentally made this almost 4,000 words, so I'm splitting into two angsty, angsty chapters
AO3 Here
The days were getting shorter. Sabine had been keeping track since they were stranded, and sundown was almost an hour earlier. She initially thought the cold was from heading north, but now she was sure winter was settling over Peridea. The lower the temperature dropped, the more restless and distant Ahsoka became. She spent days on her Howler, scouting the path ahead and looking for Baylan's trail into the mountains. Sabine had lost track of how many days ahead he was now, but she could feel Ahsoka's anxiety. Something was pulling her up that mountain, and she didn't understand what it was.
To distract herself, Sabine focused on her armour. Once she finished applying the grey top-coat to the repaired metal she started sketching a new design with a pencil, drawing directly onto the matte grey surface. She could have done it with a holo - it would have been much faster and neater - but with her armour compromised Sabine felt she had to reconnect with the Mandalorians of old, and work on it the old fashioned way. Shin kept her company while she worked, sitting close and watching intently with wide, fascinated eyes. They ate together, and every so often Shin's hand would seek out Sabine's if it was free, and they would sit in a strangely comfortable silence. She liked to run her thumb along Sabine's knuckles, which made her smile every time.
"What about the other pauldron?" Shin asked, when Sabine had carefully outlined her Starbird sigil on the right shoulder plate. It didn't feel right to use the Republic's symbol any more, even if she had helped design it, not while they were a galaxy away.
"I'm not sure," Sabine said. "In the old days, Mandalorians would claim signets. Something that affected them deeply, usually represented by an animal." She touched her finger to the metal and remembered the previous beasts that she had carried with her - a loth wolf, the strange bird Ezra saw whenever Ahsoka was around, and the purgill that had taken him away. Now she needed something new, and she was at a loss.
"A Howler?" Shin suggested, shuffling her chair a little closer and putting her weight gently against Sabine's side.
Sabine shook her head. "I don't know. I don't feel… connected to this place." Shin's hand found her own and Sabine smiled as their fingers intertwined. "Maybe I'll paint you there," she teased.
"Am I an animal, then?" Shin asked, giving her a sideways look from under her hair.
Sabine raised her eyebrows and nodded. "Oh yeah, definitely."
Before Shin could reply, Huyang's voice rang out over the speaker. "Lady Wren, there is a problem. Please come to the cockpit." There was an urgency in the droid's tone that Sabine didn't like, and she had a sinking feeling in her stomach as she hurried out of the workshop towards the cockpit. Shin followed her a few steps behind, like she was unsure she was invited. One backwards glance at her face was enough to tell Sabine she was thinking the exact same thing she was.
"What's happening, Huyang?" she asked as they reached the cockpit. She dropped into her seat before the droid had started to reply, and Shin hovered awkwardly by the door.
"Ahsoka's comm unit is sending a direct ping to the ship, a half-second burst every six seconds," he said, calling up a 3D map of the mountain and highlighting the location of Ahsoka's comm.
"A distress signal?" Sabine asked, getting more and more concerned.
"Standard Jedi operating procedure is to initiate this protocol automatically, when the unit has been separated from its operator," Huyang explained. "It also transmits the previous ten seconds of captured audio."
"So play it," Sabine demanded.
Huyang hesitated. "I am not sure that Lady Hati - "
"Play it," Shin growled from the back of the cockpit. Even now, her tone sent shudders up Sabine's spine.
"Right," Huyang said. "Very well." His metal fingers clattered quickly over the interface for a moment, and then the sound of ignited lightsabers filled the cockpit. The hum was low and consistent, the sound of two opponents squaring off.
"I'm not here to kill you."
Sabine heard Shin draw a sharp breath and saw her stand up straight. "That's Baylan," she said. Sabine held up a hand to hush her.
"So put down the lightsaber," said Ahsoka. There was a change in the hum as one of them moved. Sabine felt her breath still as she listened.
"We want the same thing, Ahsoka Tano." Baylan's voice was calm, measured, and assured. It was the same tone he'd used to convince Sabine to surrender on Seatos. "That's why you're here without your friend."
"What is it that we want?" Ahsoka asked. It stung a little that she didn't correct him to say apprentice, but Sabine ignored that feeling. And focused on the lightsabers in the recording. They were still at rest, but it felt like they could spring into frenzied clashing at any second.
"Allow me to show you."
Ahsoka didn't speak for a few seconds, and then the sound cut out completely.
"What happened?" Sabine demanded from the silence in the cockpit.
"I do not know," Huyang admitted. "Ahsoka must have disabled her comm at that moment."
Sabine got out of her seat with a growl of frustration. "Damnit, Ahsoka! What happened to staying together?" Huyang turned in his seat to say something, but Sabine silenced him with a glare. "Do not answer that question, Huyang."
"We have to go after her."
Sabine turned, surprised that Shin had spoken up. She was still standing in the corner, wide eyed and more frightened than Sabine had seen her - more frightened than the day she had rescued her from the bandits that betrayed her and left her to die in the woods.
"Baylan said there was power here," Shin continued, taking a step towards Sabine. "He was obsessed with it." She looked down at her feet and her voice dropped. "I'd never seen him like that before."
"What happens when we find her?" Sabine asked. Shin's jaw tightened and she swallowed, and didn't say anything. Sabine caught herself before she reached to put a hand on Shin's arm and instead took a half step back so she was out of her personal space. "You and Baylan are close, and I - "
"He's like a father to me," Shin interrupted, lifting her eyes to bear down on Sabine with a furious glare that almost made her take another step away. "And if he won't stop then we kill him." Before Sabine could even think of something to say, Shin turned and stormed out.
Sabine started after her, then stopped and turned back to Huyang. "Get us out to that signal source. The Noti will just have to manage without us for a while."
As Huyang laid in a course, Sabine went to find Shin.
*
The temple Baylan led her to was carved into the side of the mountain. Above the entrance, great stone faces stared down at Ahsoka as she walked up the steps and snow swirled around her. It was undoubtedly Nightsister architecture, but it wasn't like anything she'd seen before. The style was different - where the ruins of Dathomir were smooth and curved, the Nightsister statues watching her were carved to be sharp, with teeth like knives and eyes like wounds. The Force was choked with strange emotions: fear, respect, certainty, control, pity. A billion parsecs from anywhere she had ever known, Ahsoka felt a strange pang of familiarity.
She had been here before.
"This is the place," she said.
"Yes," Baylan replied, even though it wasn't a question.
The darkness inside the temple wasn't absolute. Light spilled down from somewhere high above, but most of the illumination came from a shining inscription carved around a great circular door. Ahsoka had no idea how it was lit up, but it was bright enough to fill a room the size of the council chamber at the Jedi temple.
"You know, the old stories say this used to be a volcano," Baylan said conversationally, turning to look at her as she walked cautiously towards the door. His hands were clasped in front of him, and Ahsoka could see her lightsaber clipped to his belt alongside his own. "The ancient Nightsisters used all of its power to build this place."
"It took a lot more than that," Ahsoka said. She had surrendered to Baylan not out of choice, but because something deep inside her demanded that she come here - that she return here - like a magnet drawn to a pole. She had given in to it for one simple reason, which was that she knew categorically that it wasn't the Force pulling her. It was something that had become a part of her, a very long time ago.
"Do you need a translation?" Baylan asked, with a pointed glance at the glowing lettering.
'A great and endless prison, for the great and endless. The way is shut to all who bear not my blood.'
"I know what it says." Ahsoka realised her mistake in coming too late, but there was still a slim chance Baylan didn't know that. "A pity there are no Nightsisters left to open the door for you."
Baylan smiled grimly. "You know I don't need a Nightsister." He took a few steps towards her, and Ahsoka firmly stood her ground. "Where is Morai?"
Shin struggles to find her place with Sabine and Ahsoka
That's right, there's more! At this point I am mostly just using the prompts, this doesn't technically count as a challenge entry
AO3 Here
Sabine sat at the desk in Huyang's workshop and carefully soldered the powered plates back into her beskar's harness. She was right: the damage was too severe to be properly repaired and unless she could somehow build a forge out of twigs and shrubbery she couldn't reclaim the metal to start again. The remnants might give her enough protection from a glancing blaster bolt, but that was it. She had patched it together as best she could, and for now its appearance reminded her a little too much of Thrawn's reanimated storm troopers. She shuddered at the image. A new paint job would hide the scars, at least. Only her helmet and vambraces were still intact enough to stand up to a lightsaber - but now that Shin had started to settle in on the ship - uneasily, but it was a start - she wasn't sure how much she needed to worry about lightsabers any more. Sabine leaned back in the chair and her hand dropped to rest on her stomach, above the stab wound Shin had gifted her when they first met. Now we match, she thought to herself.
"I want to dye my hair."
Sabine jumped at the sound of Shin's voice. She had been so wrapped up in herself, she didn't even notice the door opening. Now that Shin had properly recovered from the surgery and didn't need the compression vest any more she had started wearing whatever she could find that was clean, which today was most of Sabine's training clothes with one of Ahsoka's robes draped artlessly over the top for warmth.
"Um… okay," she said, taken aback.
Shin paused and looked down at the workbench and Sabine's armour. "You're busy," she said, and turned to go.
"No," Sabine said quickly, standing up. "I have time, I mean." Shin didn't like being cooped up and it was rare to catch her in such a good mood. She was quickly learning to make the best of them.
"Your armour," Shin said, but Sabine waved her hand dismissively.
"It can wait." Shin stepped aside so Sabine could leave the room and lead the way back to her cabin. "Are we just bleaching your roots, or did you have a colour in mind?"
Shin touched the braid that hung down over shoulder, her fingers playing over the gemstones woven into it. "Green," she said.
Shin sat in the chair at Sabine's desk and talked more about how she wanted it to look while Sabine mixed the dyes and loaded them into applicator capsules for her spray tool. She got to work on her dark roots first. Shin shuddered a little as the first puff of cold pigment made contact with the top of her head and tensed as Sabine gently combed it in, but she settled in after a moment and let her work.
"What's with the gems?" Sabine asked, to distract herself from the strangely intimate feeling of carefully brushing bleach-white into Shin's hair.
"Baylan gave them to me," Shin said. "I didn't know what they were at first."
Sabine watched the teeth of the comb part Shin's hair and slip easily through the strands. "And what are they?"
Shin didn't answer for a long time, and Sabine saw her hand travel up to the crystals again. She rolled one between her finger and thumb for a while like she was thinking. "Something he gave up."
Sabine let her have the cryptic answer and backed off. She knew Shin didn't really like talking about Baylan - his leaving hurt much more than her stomach wound, and Sabine didn't want to push her. Instead, she slid the bleach dye out of her spray tool, replaced the nozzle and picked up the cartridge of green dye. She passed Shin a towel to put over her shoulders to protect the tank top she was wearing, though it belonged to Sabine and she wasn't too worried about it getting a burst of colour. With anyone else, Sabine might have draped the towel herself, but Shin didn't like to be touched.
"I'm surprised you're letting me do this," she said, and immediately wished she'd kept it to herself.
"Why?"
Sabine shrugged and fiddled unnecessarily with the settings. "I just… well, you don't like being touched, that's all."
Shin said nothing, and Sabine cleared her throat awkwardly. Just get on with it and shut up, she thought to herself, and started to carefully coat the lower strands of Shin's hair with a faint mist of green. She hadn't dyed hair this way since before the war, when she had given herself a purple ombré in the Ghost's refresher. Hera had been furious at the mess, but she had a lot more experience now - as well as better tools. While the dye was still wet, she back-combed it quickly but carefully into Shin's hair, varying the lengths of her strokes so the dye reached higher in some places than others, so the fading colour didn't look too neat. That had been her own idea: Shin was too wild for the Coruscant-salon perfect look Sabine had been trying for as a teenager.
Working on Shin's hair felt like painting. Like art. There was the same connection she felt to the canvas and the paint, only this time it was a living, breathing person under the hissing tool. She wanted to touch her, and comb her hair with fingers instead. To rub the dye into individual strands, one by one, until it was exactly how she envisioned it.
"I don't mind you," Shin said suddenly. It had been at least five minutes since either of them had last spoken.
"Sorry?"
"Touching." Shin's hands were in her lap and twisting over each other awkwardly. "It's okay, if it's you."
Sabine almost dropped the spray tool, and she was glad Shin was facing away and couldn't see the blush on her face. "Oh," she managed dumbly, and then, "good."
"Yes," Shin said. "Otherwise my roots would still be showing."
Sabine wasn't sure if it was a joke - Shin delivered every word with the same inflection, whether it was a death threat or asking for a drink - but she let out an awkward chuckle. She brushed at Shin's hair a few more times, and then put her tools down to examine her work.
"How do I look?" Shin asked, shaking her hair out and then rolling her neck to ease the tension from sitting still for so long.
Sabine stepped out from behind the chair and looked at her. "Beautiful," She said. It was the truth - the green highlights had an ethereal gleam amongst the pale blonde that made her eyes shimmer and her skin shine. The pale flush her words brought to her cheeks made for a very pretty contrast too. Sabine shook herself and picked up a hand-mirror to show Shin the back, and she nodded approvingly. Her oh-so-rare, oh-so-endearing smile spread on her lips and it was so infectious Sabine couldn't help smiling back.
"I like it," Shin said.
Before she had even thought about it being a bad idea, Sabine had leaned over her head and gently placed a kiss on Shin's forehead. She flinched like Sabine had just slapped her and almost tripped over her feet in her rush to get out of the chair and then out of the room.
"Wait!" Sabine called out, but by the time she had followed her out Shin had disappeared down the ship's ramp and into the Noti camp below. She was about to run after her when Ahsoka cleared her throat. Sabine hadn't even noticed her, but she was once again standing in the doorway of her room.
"Trouble?" she asked, one of her not-quite-eyebrows raised.
Sabine made a face and awkwardly clasped her hands in front of her. "I may have done something," she admitted.
"Like what?"
Sabine braced herself. "Like kiss Shin."
She didn't know exactly how she expected Ahsoka to react. Anger seemed unlikely, but not disappointment or frustration. She had taught her the Jedi code, and how it forbade attachment, and Sabine knew this looked like another of her arrogant rebellions.
Ahsoka smiled with a strange, almost knowing look in her eyes. "Are you going after her?" she asked.
Sabine frowned. "You're not… annoyed?" she asked. "The code - "
"My Master was married," Ahsoka interrupted. "His Master had a son nobody knew about, and I… well, let's not go into that now."
"Oh, we're going into that now," Sabine said, a little stunned by the idea that the stoic Ahsoka Tano might have dalliances in her past.
Ahsoka shook her head. "Not now." There was a hint of sadness in her gaze that convinced Sabine to drop it. Instead she dropped into a chair at the centre table and put her head in her hands with a sigh.
"I scared her off," she said, pulling her head up to look at Ahsoka. "I don't think she'll want to see me."
Ahsoka pushed herself off from the doorframe and started towards the exit ramp.
"Whoa, hey!" Sabine said, getting up like she was going to stop her somehow. "What are you doing?"
Ahsoka didn't say anything, just dropped down off the ramp to the ground below.
*
She thought Shin might have walked off, maybe down towards the river or out towards the mountains, but Ahsoka instead found her sat almost exactly in the middle of the Noti camp. They had all shut up their pods and powered them down, making her seem like the only living thing for miles around.
"Everything okay?" Ahsoka asked as she approached.
"They're all afraid of me," Shin said. Ahsoka looked around at the deserted camp and nodded a little. The Noti had locked themselves in as soon as they saw her.
"You were trying to kill them not long ago," she pointed out as she sat down next to her.
"Not them," Shin said. "That was the bandits. I only wanted Sabine."
Ahsoka looked across at her, taking in her new hair colour and the regret in her pale eyes. "Well you've got her now," she said. "Maybe not the way you expected."
"I didn't mean to run," Shin admitted. She picked at the scrubby ground in front of her and sighed. "I wish I didn't."
Ahsoka resisted the instinct to lay a hand on her shoulder, the way she would have done for Barriss all those years ago. "This isn't training," she said. Though she wasn't sure how Baylan had brought up his padawan, she knew he was a dyed-in-the-wool temple Jedi, and suspected he had driven her just as hard as Anakin had her. Or Luminara had Barriss. "It's hard to see at first, but it's different."
"I don't know what you mean," Shin said.
"You don't have to push yourself," Ahsoka explained weakly. She was not the person to be giving this talk, and she could imagine the infuriating way Anakin would smirk at her inability to communicate. "Whatever is between you and Sabine isn't a challenge to overcome, it's not… a trial to endure." Ahsoka sighed. "I'm no good at this," she admitted.
"No," Shin agreed, and Ahsoka smiled. Her honesty was refreshing, and reminded her not to try and make everything a lesson.
"Sabine doesn't want to rush you," she said. "She just doesn't know how not to rush herself."
Shin plucked a blade of grass and flicked it away. "I don't know how to feel this way," she admitted. "It's never happened before."
Ahsoka felt a sad smile creep over her face. She knew how that felt: there had been nothing in her training to prepare her for how it felt to see Barriss smile at a joke, and her training was all she knew. Before she had understood it, everything had changed. "Sabine knows," she said. "And you'll get the hang of it."
Shin stood up and stretched. "I'm going for a walk," she announced. "Tell Sabine…"
She trailed off, unsure, but Ahsoka nodded. "I will," she said.
Shin stared off at the ship for a while, and Ahsoka wondered what she was thinking behind her glassy, green-blue eyes. Without another word, she turned away and walked off.