ARLO

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Even though I miss you more than the sunflowers miss the sun on a dark night, I am glad that you are gone. You never deserved the suffering that I put you through. I hope that, even though I was a terrible friend, you can look fondly on the good memories we share on the music we listened to together, on the games we played, and most importantly, on the conversations we had about ourselves. Look forward and keep running into the arms of someone who can keep sunflowers and who can keep your smile.

Hanahaki disease. Is a fictional disease where flowers grow with in your lungs. A disease that starts once an one sided love is realized. The infected, will start coughing up flower petals mixed with blood. the longer the disease progresses the more of the flower petals become flowers. The person slowly dies. The more flowers take place with in the lungs, the less air the person gets. They died slowly from flowers. When they have died, the flowers will take over the deceased. Their body becomes one with what killed them. Hanahaki disease, even though being a fictional disease. I feel like that me and others around me feel like they truly suffer from it. Not always with an one side love of a person. But the one sided love of life. I love the way that life looks, anything and everything about it puts me at ease. But it feels like as though life does not love me back. Life keeps giving me struggles that I do not wish to have nor want. Life does not love me back, and it never has. Nor ever will. My lungs feel heavy, Hanahaki will take my life. And I am okay with that.

I am tired. I have had a certain issue with a very specific person in my friends' group. This might be an overreaction, but it is how I feel and what I believe to be true. Basically, within this friend group, we call quite a bit. I honestly enjoy talking to them; it is fun and good background noise for my brain when I am drawing or doing something else. But lately, the people in this friend group have been calling in a different voice chat—one I don't have access to. How do I know they are calling in a different VC (voice chat)? They told me about this VC, and I have an application on the platform we use that lets me see chats and VCs I don't have access to. However, I am unable to join them. The one person who can give me permission to join has been actively avoiding the subject of why I am not allowed to join them. They have even gone so far as to fake adding me to the permissions. I have pretty bad issues with overthinking, mainly thinking people don't like me and actively hate me. Even if they tell me this is not the case, it doesn't change my mind. Their active avoidance of being around me and not talking to me does not help with this issue. I have talked to the person who can give me the permissions before about this and how it makes me feel. They said my feelings were valid and that they don't know why they act this way and won't allow me to join the VC. They haven't changed anything. This issue has made me feel alone. I-I can't deal with this anymore.

Love is conditional; it will be taken away from you.

It is just really demotivating that they keep talking about drinking and all of that kind of stuff.

Personally, I am getting tired—so tired. I just want to stop being friends with all of them. I don't want to see or hear their stupid, self-centred voices and faces ever again. I am tired. I am done with this.

I always say that I don't want someone to be considered, when I am at my worse. But in secret I do. I love it when someone is concerned for my mental and physical health. When someone constantly asks if I am okay, I get euphoric. The fact that someone is concerned with my well-being, makes me euphoric.

I tried to get help, get better. but anytime I do, something goes wrong. It's always something small. But for me it's a huge thing, it could simply be the fact that my friends are busy. And it sends me into a spiral. Immediately I feel like I did something wrong, like I'm the worse person on earth. Even knowing that they are just genuinely busy, even with miles and miles of reassurance. I feel like I did something wrong, and that they hate me. I can no longer allow myself to be in any-type of relationship. After making friends with someone I fear that they already hate me. I fear, a lot. And I abandoned the friendship as soon as possible. To make sure that they don't abandon me first. I don't like doing it, I hate it. The fact that something so simple as a friendship is so difficult for me, it hurts me. I need help, but nothing has worked.

There might actually not be a lot going on, but it feels like a lot. Even too much. The only way I can live like this, is to take control. Control over anything.

please?

omg me posting smt? aaaaahh scaryyyy PTFFFFFFFF. love me some vent art. i really do like this