vogueish

You were everything to me.

I told you I wasn’t going to be the only one to fight for us anymore. I told you I wasn't going to keep putting you before me. I told you that I couldn't continue to keep all of this anger inside of me, just to make sure I didn’t hurt you. I told you last night that I was putting myself first for once.  This morning I woke up with this fear that you had spent all night at rock bottom. I was scared that you spent last night the way I had spent every other night but last night. I was scared that the I placed the heavy burden I had been carrying around for us for years onto you. I was scared that you couldn’t take it. So this morning I messaged you again, like I said I wouldn’t. I took back some of the blame, some of the burden. I spent all morning hating myself for doing this to you, for making you how I have been feeling. I made you feel alone and worthless. I made you feel unappreciated and like you were to blame.  Sometimes I forget that most people aren’t used to feeling this way, most people aren’t used to being told they are all these horrible things. I forgot last night that it has always been my role to take the blame.

Don’t let boys treat you like a cigarette; they only use you when they’re bored and step on you when they’re done. Be like drugs; let them die for you"

Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling a piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it’s never going to be the same again.

You texted me and asked me what’s wrong. I said that I miss you so much it hurts. You never responded. Now I know how much you really care and it hurts more than anything.

I’m done with this, so let’s just do our usual routine. I’ll tell you that I’m just going to go to bed, and then you will respond with? Goodnight. Yes. Good. Then, tomorrow when I wake up, I’ll lie to you and say last night was just one big misunderstanding. You will lie back and tell me it is okay, and that you love me, just like every single morning goes. It’s a cycle, right? Lies, lies, and more lies, because we are too scared to accept that are in love only with the idea of being in love. So, you ready to play? Good. I’m just going to go to bed, goodnight.

There is a perfect place for you and me where the sunset sky is speckled with nothing but cotton candy clouds and the air humid only with the warmth of our love. You will have been effortlessly free, your heart kinder to wanting, my hands unafraid to touch you and take hold. In this little world our story spans only through the length between our skin… but this is not a perfect world, and we are not perfect people. So our story goes like this; you kiss me and made butterflies flutter, I adore you and your eyes become less sadder, you leave… and I am left wanting for what could have been.

Don’t you dare come back this time, cause you swore you wouldn’t do it again. You swore you wouldn’t leave again, but you did. You made a sorry excuse and blocked me like you did before. You gained my trust back only to throw it back into my face and the only person I can blame is myself for letting you in and allowing you to hurt me again.

Why can’t I tell you how I really feel? You make me different, you make me better, you make me happy. No one’s done that before.

A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.