Shits and Giggles

Be smart.

Get it together.

I’m almost done.

Undergrad is almost done.

I crave your touch

Your scent

Your entire body

Your soul

Your energy

Post no 4713621

Two years.

Fix my mistakes.

Hear myself getting bad.

Recognizing my bad shit and when i snapped.

Preventing the snap.

Dealing with the consequences of hurting my best friends because when i lost it, chaos happend.

So.

Much.

Chaos.

My relationship is never going to be the same.

And i don’t know how we’re going to keep living like this.

I don’t know how he can deal with this.

I can’t help.

I’m trying.

I’ve not gotten that bad since then.

But

I miss my friends.

I miss the way things were before rampant jealousy became a problem and led me to do what i did.

I miss feeling normal.

BUT

I have new friends.

My life is somewhat back on a stable path.

And i have so many questions that i don’t know if i want the answers to.

I talked to my cousin today.

She told me that there’s a strong chance she might have lupus.

I replied the only way our family knows how to deal with a shock.

Humor.

Not even run of the mill standard humor. But it turned into morbid jokes about how the only reason my mother and i haven’t offed ourselves is because we can’t afford another funeral. And how she’s not allowed to die anytime soon either because we probably couldn’t afford to help with funeral costs.

The upside is that they caught it early enough in her life, that they might be able to help her quickly recover and fight it.

But how funny is it that we laughed at the morbid humor and proceeded to move on.

i’ve wanted to die since i was 8. I don’t even remember chunks of my life. Not that i had a bad life as a child. But i remember having thoughts about running away a lot as i got into my teenage years and when i hit about 16 it switched into dying. But the entire concept... of just not being here. Not in my environments. Not on this plane of existence. The concept was always inviting. “Come find out”

How funny. I’ve been hearing that voice for awhile now. Do you think i need to be in a padded room?

. But i never did run away. Never actually attempted suicide. And only because of my mother. And our finances. And how every single thing would ruin her and i can’t put that on her. I can’t die with that on my conscious.

I know they say that when you hit that “breaking point” nothing else matters.

You’ll do it anyway.

But, i’ve been dissociative and manic for years and its gotten worse. I went on dissociation vacation for months and wanted to fight this new me that took over my life and tried to ruin my fucking perfect relationship. It took him finding out that i did stupid shit for me to snap out of it. And there’s chunks i don’t remember. I saw the conversations. I can vaguely hear the phone call memories. But, its muffled. Its blurred. Nothing makes sense. I hit my breaking point when i ruined him. Why he has stayed with my dumb ass i’ll never comprehend. The mania, the arguing with my best friends for days about the same shit all the fucking time. The migraines that i caused myself because of my blood pressure skyrocketing when i had elevated moods.... all this shit...i want to scream and puke and just purge this chaos out of me. I want to be normal again. Or at least what i thought was normal.

I want my long distance best friends back with running the risk that i’m gonna fuck everything up again. I want my trust with my fucking forever man and i know i’m not getting it back for years.

And i’m terrified to dissociate like that again....

I live in constant fear that i’m gonna slip into problem hoe again.

I fight it.

But fuck it is tiring fighting this other half of you that is trying to take over. If i let her win... who knows what will happen.

Maybe she’ll actually kill me.

I’m not your mother.

I’m your partner.

I’m not expecting 50/50

It ain’t gonna happen where we’re at in life

But if you willingly accept the task of being a part of my life where i’m having to rely on you,

Don’t make me feel like crap and completely useless.

I know my job choice isn’t great right now, but its stable and one of the few things i know that works with my school life.

I’m not your mother.

I’m your partner.

I’m tired of having to cook all the fucking time.

I’m tired of maintaining the pets.

I’m tired of having to remind you about shit.

I’m tired of not having energy to feed either of us.

But i have no choice.

Otherwise i get guilted by your tone of disappointment because I didn’t make dinner for you to wake up to.

As if i needed another thing to feel guilty about, right?

I’m your partner.

We live in our home together.

I need help getting out of bed.

I need help maintaining a focus when i start cleaning.

I need help cleaning up my own messes because yes, while you’re tired from working every night, I’m tired from worrying and stressing and my debilitating mental health and when my mess gets crazy i can’t fucking pick one place to start.

I’m your partner.

Not your mother.

Although maybe if you were more considerate and appreciative of her support and showed any emotion or form of gratitude,

Maybe she’d feel more love than i do.

I’m tired of you pointing out that “you work all the time to pay our bills”.

I’m tired of you negating my apologies when i mess up.

I’m tired of never fucking feeling good enough to try and keep up.

I offer help and get told to not worry about it.

If you tell me not to worry about it, then don’t constantly throw it in my face.

I’m your fucking partner.

While my life and mental stability are both shit, try to understand.

Ask me questions.

Be more compassionate.

Give a damn.

Communicate.

Don’t just sit on the couch and take zero interest in what i do or like watching or am listening to.

Don’t ignore me.

I’m your partner.

Hey there hi there ho there