enjoy your stay at beacon hills

I saw Henry Tate laying steel-jawed bear traps around the forest behind our house. I called the police, but they hung up on me. I would like to file a formal complai

They think I don't know. But I know. This is some straight up white boy Matthew Perry romance movie shit. I ain't havin' none of it. I'm out. I quit.

One time I saw Scott McCall punch Jackson Whittemore's locker door off. When he walked away I stole most of Whittemore's stuff. I sold his watch for like six hundred dollars. I don't care how much McCall and his friends fuck up the school as long as I keep benefiting from it.

Okay, so, I bought my friend Jen a plant to celebrate her graduation. Cool of me, right? Yeah, I thought so too. Jen is great. I'm happy she graduated. But like, I went to go see her today and when I opened the door to her place I saw her sitting in the middle of her floor chanting stuff like "COMFY SWEATER DEREK GIVE ME THE FANFIC I WANT THE FANFICS MOLES LIGHTHOUSES SENSUAL LICKS. GIVE ME THE FANFIC. I WANT THE FANFICS." And wouldn't you know that she was chanting this over my plant. Which was on FIRE. What the hell Jen? Should I report her?

One time I tried to take my hamster to the vet but there was no one at the front desk so I peeked into the back and there were some teenagers and the vet drowning some other teenagers in metal bathtubs. I left my hamster on the counter in her cage. I hope that's ok.

Evyr bidy think Deptuy Parrisg so HPT well he wASN"T SO HOT BEFORE HE MOVED TO BEACOHON HILL AND,i"m the only one who evere loved you ryan,,your jar of heahrts. come bacj

I got on the wrong flight. I'm not in London. I'm in Nicaragua. My life has improved so much. I'm so happy. No one tell McCall.

I think it's cool that the nurses at the hospital are allowed to go barefoot and show off their wicked pedicures. It's very liberal of them.

On Wednesdays we wear blue and orange. Wednesdays are “Derek Day”. We just sit in a big circle, share knitting patterns, and talk about “dat ass”. Karen, honey, did I say that right?

Hale yeah!

"Save a Horse, Ride a Hale" is how the Big & Rich song was originally written. Am I right ladies?

Derek Hale? Any relation to Rosalie and Jasper Hale? He obviously must be with that bone structure. I mean, Hale-o!

Okay, is nobody else concerned with the fact that BHHS hires new principals faster than Lydia Martin turns down Stiles Stilinski? I’d like to know how Allison Argent’s grandfather, who handed me a taser before Spring Formal, got that job.

Do we even have a fire department?

Okay so like I live next door to that McCall kid and like shit keeps going down over there like I used to hear screaming and chains rattling and I swear I’ve seen something creeping around on the roof and then like a couple weeks back there were these wispy-lookin dudes with swords hanging around and I’m pretty sure that the McCalls are being haunted, someone should see if they’re okay maybe? Shit looks like, The Conjuring levels of creepy, yo.

My main demographic for heavy duty chains in the last two years or so has been teenage boys. I would call their parents to make sure they're not doing anything dangerous, but they're the reason I was able to weatherproof my windows last January.

What the fuck is up with people's eyes in this town? Like for real though.