너 보단 내가 더 커

Para lang may mababalikan at mababasa ako pag naaalala ko na may tumblr ako, life update:

I got Married!

To commemorate lahat ng post ko nung M.U. (Mutual Understanding) palang kami nung 2011 to 2012, pati narin yung update ko nung naghiwalay kami pag ka-college niya, up to muling nagkita, at naging M.U. ulit (Magulong Usapan), hanggang sa naging kami na officially (at ulit) at ngayon nagpakasal na!

I did not expect na dadating ako sa ganitong moment ng life ko. Lagi ko blina-blog dito sa tumblr at even iniiyak during our walwal days ay bakit hindi ako nagkaka-lovelife, kung may problema ba sakin at mahirap ba ako mahalin. Yun pala kelangan ko lang maghintay ng sooobrang tagal at maging patient kasi darating talaga. Thankfully walang spoiler at naghintay talaga ako! As a girly na walang pasensya sa mundo, ang amazing na nagawa ko hindi magmadali. One of the best decision I have ever made. Ngayon, isa narin siya sa best decision ko.

Masasabi ko na this is a love story na I would love to tell my children at I hope a love story my children will get to tell my grandchildren.

Took a while, pero mula M.U. lang nung highschool to minimal kamustahan here and there lang, to after 10 years nagkita ulit at (putangina) complicated na 4 months, kami na rin.

Everything feels new. Ibang Ying and Maio na, very adult and mature. Lots of communication, kisses, harot, katangahan, and more. I love na I can be myself around him hindi gaya noon na pa-cute pa kasi takot na mag iba tingin. Ngayon, I can be weird, with him. Hihi.

Yam,

Naalala ko tanong mo kung baka kaya g na g ako sayo kasi may gusto ako sayo. Di naman nawala yun, eh. Fave nga kita, diba. Nabawasan siguro. Tas puro bagong feelings na wala ng past feelings involve kaya lalong nagulo. Pero ready naman ako ule for you. Kaso andami ko ring doubts everytime na ready na ko magcatch feelings.

Tipong magc-catch feelings na ako, io-overthink ko na napipilitan ka lang sakin kasi yun pinafeel mo. Okay ka minsan pero madalas hindi. Iba iba, sobrang rollercoaster. iooverthink ko nanaman na sobrang minadali kasi wala kang choice, ako lang available, ako lang nauto mo. Maaalala ko na before sakin, nareject ka. So iisipin ko nanaman if magw-work ba 'to kung iba nasa isip at gusto mo.

Siguro nga ako nagpigil kahit sinasabi kong baka nagpipigil ka. Hirap naman kasi mag invest kung dama ko rin na hindi mutual feelings. Walang assurance.

Super duper ready ako sayo pero nafeel ko naman hindi ganon feelings mo. Siguro di lang maaccept onti kasi pinagdasal kita tas literal may Maio kinabukasan. Anong maiisip ko don, diba? Kaya nahuhurt din ako ngayon sa ginawa ni God. May expiration na nga tapos ikaw pa binigay niya para manakit. Diba, extra nakakahurt. Di talaga ako favorite.

Maybe masakit din kasi in a span of 3 months, pinafeel mo din na hindi ako enough. Parang wala lang sayo lahat. Na pilit lang lahat kasi ako lang ready magpa-uto sayo. Pinafeel mo na mahirap at boring ako kausap, hindi ka nae-excite magkwento sakin. Walang suyo, walang last words. Wala lang talaga. Parang dumaan lang ako at ready na palitan agad. Pero lol bakit pa ba ko nage-expect na may mararating. Siguro may past?

Inisip ko rin yung tanong mo kung paano pag i-push? Lahat naman pwede mag work if willing, eh. Pero gusto ko i-push dahil gusto mo mismo. Wag ka dumepende sa feelings at sagot ko. Ayoko makaramdam ng pilitan nanaman. Baka magkaroon pa ng regrets kung sakali at maraming what ifs at what could have been at resentment sa isa't isa.

Pero pls know nagenjoy naman ako, truly. Pinasaya mo naman ako. I missed you, subra. Pero expected ko narin talaga na hanggang dito lang tayo ulit. Eh, choice ko rin naman magrisk at magpush, so I did this to myself, I am to blame. Pero no regrets at all. Favorite talaga kita putangina mo kahit ginanto mo 'ko. Charet.

Hope you know i'm proud of you, proud sa narating mo. Pero I don't know you anymore. Hindi na kita matantsa. Walang wala na sa Yam ko noon. Pero people change, and I just hope mas nakilala ko 'tong bagong Maio. Bobo na talaga pero i hope we find our way back to each other ule. Ayokong minadali at pilit. Sana wrong timing lang ulit' to. Pero kung ayaw, edi don't talaga. Support parin.

Mas nahurt pa ako sa ginawa ni Lord sakin kesa sa fact na naudlot nanaman kami kasi iba gusto sa buhay. 'Di ata ako favorite ni Lord. Ilang taon ako nagdadasal, naghintay tapos magbibigay siya saglit lang tapos mananakit pa? Oh, well. Ganon talaga. Hindi lahat ng bumabalik, para sa' yo. O wala talagang para sakin. Nakaka(t)awa.

Gusto ko isipin na baka wrong timing lang? Kaso parang hindi talaga meant to be. Baka lesson lang pala siya? Pinagdasal ko naman na sana pang matagalan? Kaso ayaw ata talaga.

With all the dating apps, pataasan ng ego at pride, at kung sino ang pinaka-cold magreply o sino mauuna magp-pm o pabagalan magreply.

Ang hirap pa lalo pag overthinker ka. May trust issues ka na agad sa isang hitch lang. Ang hirap magcatch feelings ng walang consisntency. Nakakatakot na ngayong araw maganda usap, pero sa susunod wala na ulit. Ni-hindi mo alam kung sa susunod ba na hindi mo subukan kausapin, susuyuin ka ba at mag uuna siya o doon na magtatapos lahat?

Mahirap o maling tao lang? Mahirap o baka I deserve better at hindi ganto lang? Mahirap o baka hindi kasi ako favorite ni Lord? Nakakabano.

Halu

Grabe ang sa-sad naman ng mga past posts ko dito at hindi nakakatuwa. So why not do some journal prompts I saw from tiktok at magpaka-sad lalo. Kunwari matalino. charot. Para ma-practice ko rin i-express sarili ko ng maayos kasi I don't really know where to share my thoughts na... It's all over the place...

Debuting my journal prompt number 1 with a question, "If you could, would you rather spend a day with your younger self or older self?"

If I could, I would spend a day with my younger self. Gusto ko bigyan ng kaunting spoiler sarili 'ko. Onti lang kasi ang alam ko bawal mangelam ng future. I want to give hints na 'wag maging bitch... masyado. I want to change her wardrobe because girl, those pants with those shoes? That ain't it. Makiki-fangirl din ako, sasakyan ko kabaliwan niya. Makikiiyak rin ako. Makikibitch rin ako!

Wow. January felt like a whole fucking year its really messed up. It felt heavy as fuck. Pero i'm glad na it ended great, for me and I hope it did for everyone else din. It was heavy pero at the end of the month, of the day, babalik ng maganda. Pero I hope to never experience this again. It was so bad, I cry every night, almost gave up, really bobo sobra, and all.

My adviser discouraged me a lot that I almost gave up. I was thinking na if my design wasn't good enough sa adviser ko palang, paano pa kaya sa panelists? But i'm actually glad i pushed myself, my family pushed me na magdefense, kasi pagsisisihan ko talaga. I'm glad I took the chance. Kahit na feel bobo ko na. Because even tho my thesis adviser told me na "parang di designer gumawa", the panelists liked my designs. Iba iba nga taste ng mga tao.

Thank, God. At least makakapagpahinga muna ako sandali from heartaches before another storm comes. I accept na there's more to come.

Nothing good happened over the past days. Just filled with sadness and anxiety just like what I've been feeling these days.

Wow, skipped another day.

It's only the 6th of January and i'm already skipping.

Hello, I still feel empty, lonely, and sad.

3rd day went well. I don't know 'til when i' m gonna do this. Still feeling empty. Parents had an argument in front of us which is actually not healthy. Oh, god. They even want me to pick sides which I frantically declined.

Actually chatted with someone from the past. I actually missed him that kahit na sobrang patay ng convo, we try to actually revive it. I actually stopped when he replied to my nee year greetings and just reacted to that message, but later on he messaged me again, nangangamusta. Then we went back and forth asking each other's happenings. Kaso, I somehow feel the convo dead. But we're actually trying na mag-usap lol. Aw, halata mo na kahit chat lang, na his tone says "maying, past ka nalang. Wala na."

Oh, God. 2nd day palang, crinacram ko na!

Well for today, nagstart ulit ako with my plans kasi for sure gagahulin ako kung next week na pag uwi ko pa siya aatupagin or sisimulan. Pero kinakalikot ko siya nung pagkatapos ng christmas. Nag tweak tweak lang ng onti, and binago yung mga dapat baguhin. Whenever I do my plans, I feel productive at the same time I feel nervous. Feel ko walang napupuntahan kasi ginagawa ko. I feel productive lang kasi pinapakelamaan ko yung plans, pero I don't feel confident. Parang wala lang. 'Di ko maintindihan plans ko, ganon. Pero I am trying. I talk to myself, criticizing my works like how my panelist would (pero I go easy with myself).

Then we went to Akariah. Kasi gusto bumili ni mama ng bagong abaya, and makaalis mga kapatid ko at gumala.

I actually hated this 365 posts when I did it last time. Prolly because I was in highschool that time and being a bitch.

Pero napag isipan 'ko na i-try ulit. I always think na everyday is a bad day or a bad year, yun pala nakakalimutan ko na may nangyari namang maganda some days. So i'm going to blog my everyday ulit, para hindi ako makalimot sa mga memories, maganda man o pangit.

Edited: today went well. Hindi pumasok si mama at papa sa work. Inayos nila yung bahay para maganda yung bagong taon. Since kakalipat lang nila ulit ng bago, marami pa kelangan ayusin, pero they managed to make our home presentable during christmas and new year.