Mental Dumping Ground

It hadn't been long after Kafka had been brought back to base when Vice Captain Hoshina had started this new routine of dragging Kafka everywhere. Name any excuse you could think of, Hoshina had probably used it by now. Employee Satisfaction Evaluation, Emergency Secretary, Personal Punching Bag, the list of bureaucratic bullshit could go on forever if you let him. Recently it even got to a point where Hoshina wasn't even trying to hide the fact he was dragging Kafka along to places because he could. It started out innocently enough with offers of dining out with some of the higher officers, but now it was just looking like dinner for two at nicer and nicer restaurants.

Kafka never could say no. Even if he wasn't a people pleaser at heart, the lure of good food was enough to blind him to any red flags that most people would see. Well, not red flags in the sense of danger, more so in the sense of attraction. Most everyone on base was getting the impression that the vice captain and the kaiju on the payroll were doing more than just "hanging out". It didn't help that Hoshina remained as smuggly cryptic as ever, or that Kafka had a horrible time reading between the lines. With his new position as a Field Analyst, his time was predominantly spent with his nose in textbooks and old records more often than deciphering social complexities.

A task he would be doing a lot more of if his "new friend" would stop dragging him out to eat ramen bowls at two in the morning. While it wasn't exactly a day off at the Third Divsion, it had been ruled as a "Free Day" for the officers. Captain Mina as well as several other high ranking officers were called off base for a rather unspecial, but doubtlessly necessary meeting at the JAKDF headquarters. The Vice Captain had been left behind to supervise, but was apparently caught in an unexpectedly charitable mood. He made the morning drills extra harsh, but promised everyone that if they performed to a satisfactory level he'd let them go until after dinner, provided that they don't leave base. The officers were certainly making the most of it, spending their time tackling neglected chores or deciding to neglect them further.

Kafka had rightfully decided to spend most of his free time sleeping in. Not only had his vice captain made the decision to drag him to more one-on-one training sessions since, according to Hoshina he had "Finally started to show some decent martial prowess", but he was getting way too comfortable with ending their several hours long training with midnight fast food. Midnight fast food runs turned into beer crawls, next thing Kafka knew was both him and his commander drunkenly shuffling themselves through base security. Kafka considered himself to be a bit of a heavyweight thanks to his size and depression beer binges back when he worked in the Sweepers, but it seemed that Hoshina was a little more on the lighter end of the tolerance spectrum. He found himself struggling to keep his new drinking buddy walking upright and keeping quiet as they snuck through the slumbering halls, but Kafka would swore he did a pretty decent job. This confidence would keep him from asking anyone else's opinion on the matter.

It was a little before eleven when Kafka finally stumbled out of bed after taking a well-deserved nap. His wayward journey in his hazy state took him to the officer's break room to grab a bottle of coke from the vending machine, some handful of dormant neurons leading him in the hopes that some sugar will help wake him up more than coffee sounded at the time. The officer's lounge looked far from empty but wasn't feeling bustling either as he could only make out a few faces in the dispersed crowd. Namely Iharu and Reno sharing the couch for what reason he couldn't see, and Hakua who had made herself at home at the kitchenette and was most likely fixing herself up a rice bowl of mega proportions. In his groggy stupor, Kafka loudly hip-checked one of the cheap plastic tables in the room on his way to the machine, gathering the attention of some of the people in the room with him- namely Iharu.

"Finally done burning the midnight oil with the Vice Captain again, eyh Kafka?" Iharu jeered in a bawdy manor.

"No idea what you're talking about." Kafka muttered smugly back as he leaned heavily on the vending machine while digging out his wallet.

"Come on! Half the damn barracks heard you two draggin' ass all the way back inside." Hakua joined in on the razzing as she heard the topic of discussion, "Tell me Reno, did you happen to notice if your buddy came back to his own bed or did it seem like he got a taste of comfort that comes with a commanding officer's rank?"

"He was decidedly absent from lights out last night, " Reno stared, just to get interrupted with a scoffed remark from Iharu,

"When isn't he?" He teased, but let Reno finished.

"But as for when he got back I couldn't say. With the way he was limping around drills this morning probably isn't helping his case either."

"Easy with the rumor mill guys. Lets not go spreading around something that isn't true." Kafka warned as the coke bottle rattled against the bottom of the machine and rang out into the room.

"Come on old man, you don't have to hide anything from us!" Iharu continued to tease, "We know you and the VC are shaggin' it up on the side, and honestly? Good for you man! Way to secure your new job position."

Kafka couldn't tell from his position, but Reno had swatted Iharu on the chest for that remark, wordlessly warning him that he was about to take it a little too far. It didn't help that hearing that remark caused Kafka to choke and almost spray the mouthful of coke he had tried to swallow at the time.

"What the shit Iharu?" Kafka exclaimed once he recovered from the burn in his throat, "That's not what's happening at all!"

"You're... not fucking the vice captain?" Iharu asked hesitantly as Reno gave his own bewildered look over the couch.

"No! Never!" Kafka confirmed with unwavering certainty.

"Damn, hellova missed opportunity there man." Hakua joked as bits of her beef rice bowl sputtered out of her mouth.

"Hakua, not helping." Kafka admonished before turning to his younger friends, "What the hell gave you guys the impression that we were like that?"

Reno and Iharu looked at each other with mild alarm before turning back to face him, "Im... sorry, has no one told you that, to the rest of us, it looks like you two are glued at the hip most days?" Reno asked with gentle apprehension.

"I mean it's come up in conversation a few times but I hardly think that should be the smoking gun that makes you jump to such a conclusion." Kafka explained as he shifted off of the vending machine.

"Okay, but like... you two are never far apart for any length of time recently. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Hoshina was outside of that door right now waiting to drag your ass to the gym again." Iharu continued off of where Reno was leading.

Kafka shivered at the thought "God I hope not. I'd actually like a chance for my neck to recover before he wrecks it again."

Kafka heard Hakua make a strangled snort as she did her best to quickly choke down another bite of food before speaking, "Oh, you mean how you've been helping Hoshina figure out he's a vampire?"

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Kafka asked with the confusion on his voice growing with every word.

"The red marks on your neck, man!" Hakua clarified, "You've been walking around the base looking like you have hickies."

"What? Red marks..." Kafka wondered what she was talking about and tried to see for himself in the reflection of the vending machine.

"Oh, those are rug burns Hakua." Reno explained for his older officer.

"Right, "rug burns"." Hakua joked as she tried to throw up air quotes while not letting go of her bowl.

"No, seriously. They are." Reno doubled down with certainty, "I should know." He emphasized as he turned to stare down a suddenly nervous Iharu.

"Look, this all seems to be a big misunderstanding." Kafka relented as he sighed, "The vice captain and I are not in any sort of relationship outside of platonic, physical or otherwise." He explained as he glared down his nose at the three of them.

The three of them looked at each other briefly before looking back at Kafka, "Well, would you like some help in changing that? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure Hoshina is making it clear as day he likes you a bit more than that." Iharu offered innocently enough.

Kafka pinched the bridge of his nose as he sighed in disappointment, "Guys... I'm straight." He confessed.

You could have heard a pin drop with how quiet the room got in that moment. With as suddenly as it happened, Kafka couldn't miss the change of energy in the room after he made his position in the alphabet Mafia known.

"Did... did you guys not think that?" Kafka asked, not necessarily addressing the whole room with the question, but it came across like it did anyway.

"NO." Was the resounding answer from the room.

"Alright, well the peanut gallery didn't need to chime in too." Kafka grumbled.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to look me in the eye as I ask this, but are you sure about that?" Reno asked, having fully turned around in his seat and gripped the back of the couch like it owed him money.

"Yes I'm sure!" Kafka yelled, exasperated, "I'm incredibly sure!"

"That's gotta be bullshit. You're pulling our leg right now." Iharu mirrored Reno's sentiment as he too turned around on the couch.

"What part of me being a straight guy is so hard to believe?" Kafka asked, his confusion from earlier returning with a vengeance.

"Wait, hold on, maybe he's using "straight" in a different context." Hakua offered as an alternate explanation for this unforseen travesty.

"I know what "Straight" means Hakua." Kafka lamented with growing disappointment in his fellow coworkers, "Whether you guys like it or not, I've never had romantic feelings for another man."

"Swear on your mother!" Iharu shouted out as if his words would save Kafka from blasphamy.

In the middle of their heated argument, Reno got up from the couch and calmly walked over to where Kafka was still standing and gently guided him over to the couch to take his seat. He then ushered Iharu up from his and pushed the coffee table that was in front of them back a little bit so as to allow both them and Kafka some leg room once Reno gestured for Iharu to sit down with him on the coffee table. Becoming invested by the change in searing arrangement, Hakua found herself drifting over to the three of them to make sure she didn't miss what was about to go down next.

"Sir. You have done a lot of research about the Defense Force, correct?" Reno asked slowly.

"Mostly about the kaijus, but yeah I've dabbled in the history as well on occasion." Kafka replied hesitantly, not sure where this line of conversation was going.

"SO you do know that the Third Division has historically the division where they send the gay members, right?" Reno continued on, his eyes not straying from Kafka's.

"I mean... historically they've been incredibly tolerant, even through Japan's period of rapid westernization, but I don't see what that has to do with this." Kafka answered as he relaxed into the back of the couch.

"No, I think he means that the JAKDF has been specifically been sending gay people to the Third Division since its inception." Hakua chimed in, "They created the Third Division specifically because the early founders heard about the Romans doing the same thing and finding that it literally created their most skilled and accomplished regiment out if their whole army because it capitalized on gay relationships and our inherent need to impress the people we're interested in, and essentially doubled that phenomena since EVERYONE in the regiment was in love with each other so EVERYONE was actively trying to be the coolest one there."

The three other people turned and looked at their fellow compatriot with a look made up of a mixture of awe, bewilderment, and impressiveness.

"What? I paid attention in history class." Hakua motioned to defend herself once the stares grew too long in length.

"The point is-" Reno coughed to bring the conversation's attention back to the original point, "Is that its pretty close to statistically impossible for you to be the only straight guy in this division."

"Yeah, like I'm the only straight guy in this whole building." Kafka retaliated smugly.

"Kafka, your whole friend group is made of gay people." Iharu announced in a similar tone used to break some uncomfortable news to a loved one, "You don't build this big of a fruit bowl without being a little fruity yourself."

"Wait... really?" Kafka asked with mild surprise as he gestured to the foundations of the room they were in, "Everyone I've made friends with here?"

"Kafka, I've been dating your unofficially adopted son for two months now." Iharu began, "Haruichi and Aoi have been fucking on and off since they met at the entrance exams. Minase and Kikoru have been pining for each other since Neutralization School. Your childhood best friend Mina is currently in the middle of an awkward situationship between Rin from First Division and Jura- Hakua's sister- who of which, by the way, has been sneaking off with every available woman in this building to go snog in the closest supply closet under the guise of "Experimenting"." At his point Iharu turned back to look at the woman in question, "The fuck is up with that If I may be so bold to ask."

"I used to go to an all girl's private school. Call it an old habit." Hakua shrugged.

"Well, when you put it like that." Reno pondered, "Sorry to hear about your sister's predicament."

"Nah, It's fine. I'm rooting for her more than anything." Hakua grinned cheekily, "She's gonna win any day now, I can feel it."

After everyone took a second to finished looking at Hakua with skepticism and concern, Kafka took the opportunity to redirect the conversation.

"All that aside, there have absolutely been tales of gay friend groups having one straight friend. I mean its been no secret that I've been around in the community, but I don't think that knowing how to put on eyeliner makes me gay." Kafka explained as he took another sip of coke.

"And I would normally agree with you on that," Reno accepted, "but they are the exception to the rule. You, however, are not that lucky."

"Okay, outside of your questionable view of my relationship with Hoshina, what else about me makes you think I'm secretly gay?" Kafka asked as he crossed his arms and worked his jaw.

"When I first met you, I thought you had fucked all of your friends in the Monster Sweepers at least once." Reno flatly admitted, starting blunt straight out of the gate.

This was immediately met with emotional uproar from the rest of the group.

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?" Screamed Kafka.

"JESUS CHRIST! RENO WITH THE KILL SHOT." Came from Hakua in between fits of swamp hag-like laughter.

"I KNOW KAFKA IS FRIENDLY BUT DAMN." Answered Iharu.

"Just because I know their birthdays by memory, does not mean I had a physical relationship with them!" Kafka whined with alarm.

"You know their birthdays, you know their favorite food and drinks, you remember the most obscure parts to conversations that supposedly happens decades ago," Reno listed as he counted off of his fingers, "What normal person does that except for pathetically romantic exes?"

"Or genuinely nice people with good memory!" Kafka started to fight back with, "And on top of that Takuda is married!"

"YOU KNEW EACH OTHER FRESH FROM HIGH SCHOOL!" Reno retaliated back as he came unglued from the coffee table.

Hakua came around and gently guided him to sit back down before he did something regrettable in the moment, "Real quick, lets cycle back around to that eyeliner comment. Is that like the only makeup tip you know or like... do you also just happen to know how to do your whole face or something?"

"Mina used to practice on me growing up, but I think I regained more of the information than she did." Kafka elaborated simply as he relaxed once he saw Reno being physically restrained somewhat.

Reno tented his fingers and gave a skeptical growl upon hearing the information, but was stopped from saying anything as Iharu held up his hand to stop him.

"Don't. Its already been established he's just rather comfortable in his sexuality. Although..." Iharu scratched his chin as a new thought came to mind, "Remind me again who's your top favorite singers?"

"Oh, easy. Dido, K.T. Tunstall, and Tracy Chapman." Kafka rattled off the top of his head.

All three of their jaws dropped at hearing the list, with Hakua hearing about Kafka's preference for the first time. Kafka looked on as all their expressions were filled with abhorrent surprise.

"What?" Kafka questioned, "A guy can like female singers."

"You literally picked the three most lesbian coded singers spanning from 1980 to the early 2000's." Reno explained.

"Suddenly I See was the song that made The Devil Wears Prada movie famous." Iharu expanded upon as he held his head in his hands.

"Oh, I love The Devil Wears Prada! I related so much to Anne Hathaway's character." Kafka offhandedly mentioned.

Iharu just stared at him harder before making the mistake of opening his mouth again, "Next thing you're going to tell me is that you like Lady Gaga too."

". . .I do." Kafka hesitated before going forward with the confession anyway, "But I mean, doesn't everybody like Lady Gaga?"

"Kafka, have I ever shown you Marina and the Diamonds?" Hakua asked.

"Mmmmnnno I don't think so?" He answered.

"Oh, you're gonna love Bubblegum Bitch." She muttered with a twinge of ecstacy.

"Okay, so just to recap here-" Kafka tossed out to gather everyone's attention, "I'm overly friendly to other men, I just so happen to remember how to put on makeup from when I was my best friend's test dummy, and I have "apparently" questionable tastes in music for a straight man. Am I... forgetting anything or is all that somehow supposed to prove that I like men?"

"You also like The Devil Wears Prada." Iharu wheezed out tiredly.

Kafka seemed to think about his response for just a second before hitting them with "Media about girlbosses are for everyone, regardless of sexual preference." Reno tried to rise up from his seat again, this time with the intent to strangle, but was stopped once again by Hakua's firm hand on his shoulder.

"Wait, hold on..." Iharu muttered for a second, the slight change in subject causing him to develop a new tactic.

"What... is your favorite movie or TV show from your childhood?" Iharu eventually asked and interrupted Kafka before he had a chance to speak, "And I mean childhood. Like the first piece of media that you consumed right after you gained consciousness and you feel like it irrevocably changed your personality from your first watch forward."

Kafka shrugged and snorted a small, amused laugh before doing his best to dig deep and really think about it. His smug attitude dropped once he found himself lost within the walls of his memory, mentally filing through old, faded screenshots of movies and videos he could barely recollect. Kafka looked as if he was about to give an answer several times before closing his lips again and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Eventually he slapped his leg in triumph and pointed to Iharu with the answer.

"Gundam X Kamen: The Silver series." He exclaimed as he submitted his answer.

"The mid 80's one or the early 2000's reboot?" Iharu asked flatly.

"There was a reboot?" Kafka asked with great interest.

"Answers that question." Iharu gave back before whipping out his phone, "Alright, humor me a little bit and tell me what your favorite character is."

"Pfft, Commander DuMont of course." Kafka quickly replied back, "He was the most charming and complex character of the whole series! His initial buddy comedy relationship with his second in command turns into one of the most beautifully deep and intense friendships I think I've ever seen in writing. And of course I can't forget his tragic romance with the main villainess Lady Silverfinn."

While he was prattling on about his his nostalgic memories of his favorite TV show from his past, Iharu hadn't looked up from his phone the whole one-sided conversation.

"Whaaaat'cha looking up there?" Hakua asked as she looked over his shoulder to find him scrolling through a social media site with a rather needle-like focus

"A very obscure section of the internet." Iharu crypitcally responded back just before finding what he was apparently looking for. He handed his phone over to Kafka and sat back with a suppressed, but triumphant grin.

"Just scroll through that for a bit." He offered with no other explanation.

Kafka just arched his brow in skepticism and took the phone cautiously. He read what was on the page for a bit and scrolled down the page as asked. Hakua moved to stand next to Kafka so she could better see what Iharu had given Kafka tho help him supposedly see the rainbow colored light. As he continued down the endless page, his expression grew more and more invested and revealed his silently growing alarm ringing in his mind. What he saw was page after page of memes talking about how if you liked the show, or more specifically Commander DuMont's relationship between his second-in-command and the main villainess, then it was pretty likely your sexuality awakening. It didn't help that every other meme was just some artwork of the three of them in a loving relationship.

"Has he gotten to that one meme that talks about the other shows that made you gay as a child?" Iharu asked while fighting laughter as he watched Kafka's innocence melting away in real time.

"Yeah, safe to say that I don't think he likes what he sees." Hakua had to stifle her own outburst of giggles in order to confirm what everyone had already figured out.

"I hate how I know most of these." Kafka groaned, "I hate how I rewatched all of these religiously while I was growing up and I'm just now hearing of this."

"I hate to say it man, but you become who you are by what you watch, and its starting to sound like you got brainwashed by the Bi Agenda." Reno joked in between huffs of chuckles.

Kafka put the phone down on the couch cushions like it was burning his hand and rubbed the worry lines in his face, "There's no way... there's just no way." He sighed deeply as he stared longingly into the ceiling before shaking his head in refusal, "Nope, that's it. I'm not accepting this. Just because it lines up does not make it true."

"SIR." Reno harshly commanded so as to be heard pver the vicious cackling coming from his other friends, "You do know it's okay to like both now, right?"

"It's not that I don't know, its the principle of the matter!" Kafka shouted in disbelief as he jabbed his finger at the offending phone, "You're telling me I might have been on the rainbow spectrum for years and I'm just now finding out? Reno, I'm thirty two! This is the type of shit you find out in your teens, not halfway out of a midlife crisis!"

"What better time to find out than in the middle of a mid-life crisis!" Iharu wheezed out as he clutched his ribs.

"Seriously, there's no limit to discovery man. I figured you of all people would know that." Hakua consoled as she wiped a tear of joy from her eye.

"Nope, I'm not taking it. Ya'll are so wrong about me." Kafka continued to defend his wounded pride as he got up from the couch to walk away.

In that moment, a familiar shadow crept through the doorway into the break room.

"Oye! Is Kafka in here?" Vice Captain Hoshina called out as he rounded the corner, making eye contact with the man in question, "Oh, cool you are here. Come walk with me, I need some arm candy."

Kafka looked at his fellow commander, and then back behind him to look at his friends. His face split into a wide grin as a devilish plan fell into place inside his head.

". . .And I'm going to prove it." He called out with all the wrongly placed confidence in the world.

"Sir, no- that is a bad idea." Reno half-heartedly called out, knowing full well that this shouldn't be how his oldest friend finds out about his unknowingly closeted nature, but still wanted to see the disaster go up I flames anyway.

"Oh, come on! The worst that could happen is you guys getting proven wrong!" Kafka fired back before getting a hold of the commanding officer and pulling him more into the room.

"I would like to apologize for what I'm about to do, but unfortunately my honor is on the line here." Kafka preemptively offered as condolences to a very confused Hoshina while he was grabbing the Vice Captain by the upper arms.

Kafka then leaned in very quickly as to leave no room for rebuttal and kissed his gym buddy on the lips. Hoshina wasted no time in this opportunity and shoved his hands through Kafka's softly spiked hair and aided in deepening the kiss even more. Taken aback by the hunger, Kafka quickly pried himself away from Hoshina's grip in his lips and stood there in shocked silence, their eyes refecting a newfound shine not previously there. Kafka floundered for any sort of response, but just ended up looking like a fish gasping for air. After a while, all he could bring himself to do was drop one of his hands from his commander's arm and stand off to the side while he processed his new and confusing feeling, holding on to the other shoulder like a lifeline. Hoshina just continued to stare him down with a smug, cat-like expression.

"Shut up." Kafka finally stated as he pointed accusatorally at his friends... who were all bowled over with laughter.

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