meanwyles in hell

for the last few weeks furfur kept sirching for the rekwsishuns inventory records. tooday, what he fownd insted was a report he wrote up after a saterday nite in 1980 when he had to go to earth to find a joonyer demon who was two days late reterning from an assinement. furfur found him at a disco club in new york city. insted of reterning to hell right away, he and the joonyer demon stayed at the club for the rest of the nite. today, furfur chekt his earth time calendar and saw it’s a saterday. he fownd that same joonyer demon who started to tell him how frustrayted he was abowt this hole audit debockle. furfur stopt him and said “it’s a new day… a saterday. let’s go up to earth and do some fissical check ins and cownts insted.” furfur emfasized the ‘saterday,’ and gave him a significant look. after a long pawse, the joonyer demon seemed to be trying very hard to repress a very undemonic smile. then the two demons kwikly headed for the elevator.

tooday the dark council anownst additional assinement rotations to help deal with the staffing shortuhjis. hastur was assined to maintenance duty one day eech week. he tolde one of the joonyer temptations demons that if they coverd for him this cycle, he wuld make it up to them later. the joonyer demon then told hastur “i know you better than to beleev a word out of your mouth.” 

hastur spent the rest of the day reparing a leeky pipe in admishuns.

tooday eric went to the fortth circle of hell. in the ayyteenth century eric accidentally tempted a human to start spending enuff munny on enuff material objects for a long enuff tyme to qualify him for damnation for greed. eric would never tell anydemon, but he had lyked spending tyme with mozart. and it really has been a long tyme senss he last saw him. becaws of staffing shortuhjes, no one stopt eric from interupting mozart’s punishment to have a totally normal frendly chat. he showd him a video on his tablet of some humans performing his mewsik, and told a few jokes that the human did not laff at (being in hell for a few hundred yeers can sometymes have a neguhtiv effect on someones sinss of hewmer) eric evenchewally returnd to the main floor of hell, and mozart returnd to halling vareeus heavy things arownd the fortth circle for eternity.

This week in hell has bin very bizzee with the audits reports duwe for the fiskal century. Furfur culd not find last centuries rekwasishuns figures and tooday his search took him to Beelzebub’s former throwne room. The Demon Josh let him in and told him to lok up when he was done becawse Josh had work to do in the second circle and wuld be gone for the rest of the day. Furfur did not have to look for long to reelyze the payperwerk he needed was not there. He desided to take advantige of the situayshun to do something he had always wanted; he sat in the throwne and took a long nap.

yesterday markt the begening of the third kwarter of hells fynanshal century and inventorees and projekshuns need to be done. however, sinse beelzebub left, the backlogs in payperwerk and reports hell-wide have been wors than ever. stresst and angry about the state of there records, three demons took a long brayk around the fyre cooler in the fynans department. to frustrayted to think beter of it, one demon acksidentlee admited that sometymes they feel like the werk they do seems a bit…well…poyntless. after a long sylence, the other two demons admited that they have sumtymes felt that way to.

tooday in hell shax had a meeting with the dark cownsil and one of hell’s repruhsentativs to america. they were both given a stiff but sinseer commendayshun for the chayos and mizeree they cawsd so far this year in the UK and US elekshuns. when they left the cownsil chamber, they trayded appropriately demonic compliments, then shared a look that silentlee sed ‘i know you didn’t lift a single claw for those elekshuns either”

tooday eric wus discorporated multipul tymes after admitteeng he had just been jokeeng wen he sed tempteeng oasis to do a reeyewnyun tore wuld be an eesee and fun way to wen human souls. it has not been eesee or fun and hell is far to understaft for this nonsinss.

tooday a fyew demons were gossippeeng by the fyre cooler abowt what beelzebub might be up to these days. they all realeyesd that they were struggleeng to imagine anytheeng at all, and so they went there separet ways. sum felt angree abowt it, most did not care, and sum felt a little bit sad.

tooday a pype burst in a stoorage room full of payperwerk. the likwid that came owt of it soked and destroyd evreething- inclooding an entyre bocks of the chaynge of posishun forms that shax has been lookeeng for.

tooday eric took a (reluhtivlee) smawl hellhownd for a short walk in soho. he convinst it to look like a reguler dog, moor or less. thay past a hewman carryeeng a bocks of plants and the hewman stopt to ask to pet the hellhownd. then the hellhownds eyes glowd red and the hewman yelpt and flayld and ran away very fasst, droppeeng a smawl potted plant as thay sped down wickburr street.

tooday after shax spent many howers lookeeng for the posishun chaynge payperwerk again, josh asked if she was ok. she was too tyred to insalt him properlee so she just sed ‘go walk a hellhound’ and stormd off. then josh thoght maybee sumone should be taykeeng the hellhounds out for walks. he posted sine ups sheets for hellhound walkers but so far their have been no volentears.

tooday in hell hastur saw two demons taykeeng selfees with furfurs old instant kameruh and he screemed and kept screeming at evreedemon he saw all affternewn and no won understud why