I'LL CUT THROUGH

          OF ALL PEOPLE SHE EXPECTED  to run into at seth’s house ,  they were definitely not very high on the list  —  in fact ,  the blonde could do without this encounter .  the new year had started off terribly for isolde ;  after all ,  how does one recover from  betrayal  by the hand of two of their best friends ?   it is even worse when one of those friends is no short of family to you ,  and yet …  well ,  here they were .  when she wasn’t keeping herself busy with work or any other duties  ( like dodie rehearsals for examples ) ,  isolde would find refuge in owen .  for the moment ,  he seemed to be the only person she could count on  —  at least until dimitri regained his memories ,  or annette decided to return her calls .  all in all ,  despite the many ways she had attempt to avoid thinking about them ,  there was nowhere to run right now and even then ,  she had  never  been one to run and hide .

        as they came closer ,  her arms crossed over the blonde’s chest as if to create some sort of barrier between the two .  childish as it was ,  isolde felt  vulnerable ,  and that particular feeling wasn’t one of her favorites ;  in fact ,  it wasn’t something she was used to .  but their words ,  as meek as they sounded ,  made the woman frown ,  ❝  of all the things you could say ,  it amazes me you would describe my death by  your hands  as something dumb .  am i truly that disposable to you ,  felix ?  ❞  a pause ,  her emerald gaze wandering away from them ,  ❝  my apologies ,  but i somehow find it difficult to believe you .  ❞

&&  — " SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN WHAT I’VE SAID AT FACE VALUE ?? ” if the time had been different , maybe they’d roll their eyes or throw her a shitty expression , but now all they can do is plead , . “ you’re not fucking disposable. ” she’s the only form of stability they’ve ever had in their life , they’re one in the same , and it’s shell shocking to see that they’re even having this conversation. “ i can’t even remember what happened , it’s all just a blur and if i could take it back , i would. ”

yet , they can remember. they still see her there. before them , the rain hitting against their skin. they’re looking up to her , and they remember her looking regal - strong , like the knight she’d always wanted to be. the wind is blowing from behind them and they know sylvain is beside him ( he’s always beside them. ) they’re not crying but they feel like they could , watching her point her weapon at sylvain. the memory bleeds into nothingness as they shake their head , shutting their eyes tightly to block it out. “ we didn’t want to do it. we would never want to do it , don’t you get that ?? ” they snap , not meaning to , before immediately trying to soften , taking a step back. “ it was you or me. if i were to come at you , would you not want to protect yourself ?? because while we were going to do that , you were too. in another life , you were going to kill me too. ”

   — IT’D MAKE MORE SENSE FOR DIMITRI TO BE FRUSTRATED ; because it’d be more beneficial to get straight answers. However … there’s a sense of trust that holds him back from pressing , a sense of trust that tells him it’s okay if he finds things out along the way instead of in this moment. And Dimitri’s not DUMB - he’s smart enough to deduce that whatever connection he has to the cloak , it finds another connection back to Felix as well , so if there’s anyone he can trust about it … It makes sense that it’s them.

   … And after all , what exact reason could they possibly have to LIE over it ??

   He can’t find one.

   So he nods , fingers digging once again into the velvety blue fabric that sits in his palms. He sometimes can feel a slight sinking feeling in his chest when he looks at it , unaware of exactly WHAT it’s coming from , but there’s a few things that tickle his sense in flashes that he can’t exactly pinpoint until they’re gone - after a split second , of course , and Dimitri’s only left to wonder how out of place he could possibly be.

   There’s the smell of pine trees , the nipping cold of winter , the taste of iron on his bottom lip … It’s weird. That’s the best way he can describe it. WEIRD. But he puts it off , doesn’t ask questions - both because he doesn’t know if he should wait , nor if Felix would even remotely know anything about it.

   When they ask about his eye , he immediately replies ,  ❝ I-It’s fine - don’t worry , it’s fine. It’s not something I’m insecure about. ❞ He opens his mouth to reply , before he realizes that it comes … FUZZY to him. To try and remember how it happened. There’s a scar , as well as the milkiness , that he has to explain - but he can’t remember how , just that … it’s always been that way. ❝ … Cat , ❞ he lies through his teeth , to hide his embarrassment of not knowing. ❝ Just an accident when I was a little kid - it’s one of the few things I remember about my childhood. ❞ The latter part isn’t a lie ; whenever he tries to remember back , things grow fuzzy and Dimitri grows dizzy. When he thinks about his family , he grows dizzy. When he thinks about his friends , he grows dizzy … Maybe there’s more reasons that one why Dimitri leads such a LONELY life here. ❝ I normally have my eyepatch to cover it , I’ve just … honestly been here by myself all day ; didn’t think to put it on , and couldn’t find it when I heard you knock. ❞

&&  — MAYBE THEY WERE JUST PLAYING THEIR CARDS TOO CLOSE TO THEIR CHEST , but the desire to be completely open had yet to present itself. a fear still lurked deep within that , even if he does not remember , their words do count , ingrid’s name immediately flowing to the tip of their tongue with this thought. “ i just . . . soon. ” it’s their promise to him , a mental one. they will eventually come clean with their sins , just . . . not yet. not now.

the way they got it is still vivid in their head , though. edelgard said something - something they never really caught over the sound of static screaming around them , their vision blurring the moment they touched it. it was soft , just as they’d imagined it , yet it was so much heavier than they’d ever pictured , the weight of their own guilt making it feel impossible to hold. yet they never let go. even as they realized they were crying , even as they had to lean against something to hold themself up , they never let go.

and even now , the sight of it leaves them feeling winded , instinctively taking in a deep breath of air as if it would be the last they ever took. they feel weak when they see it , their mind beginning to spin with the simple sight of it near dimitri , in his arms. and they can picture him in it. vividly , too , as clearly as possible , as if the past were staring them directly in the eyes.

he had looked like a king.

tears , fresh tears had pooled in their eyes the minute they saw him across that battlefield ; a soft , lingering hope that maybe this would turn out okay , maybe he would see what they were trying to do. crimson had stained his face , and it was like looking into a mirror - a broken , shattered one , but one where they knew the reflection on the other side understood what they had been feeling. if only they’d made it to him , if only he had listened . . . goddess knows what might have happened.

now though , the many tears they’d cried for him are no longer existent , the expression face simply softer as they watch him for a moment , and for a split second there is a wash of relief. he is here , before them , this is definitely him . . . a lifetime of searching led them to him again , just as it needed to , and with that the corners of their mouth turn upright into a slight smile.

   — HE ISN’T EXPECTING THEIR SUDDEN CORRECTION ; Dimitri was more so expecting maybe offense , perhaps the feeling of failure for making such a simple mistake. But not only do they assure he should call them by what he originally stated , but they tell him that they’ll stay … And Dimitri , standing tall with one hand clinging to the fabric and another resting upon the faux brass doorknob , his neutral expression of confusion instead relaxes , extending to one of content HAPPINESS. Like maybe things will feel better - things will feel right. It’s a step in the right direction , he’ll cherish the time for however long it lasts.

  ❝ Thank you , make yourself at home … ❞ Blonde replies , motioning for Felix to follow after him. Both hands go on the fabric as he heads into the small kitchenette , and he bites his bottom lip for only a fraction of a second as he takes a further LOOK at this thing - it looks like it was fit for a king … And Dimitri frowns. A king of battles , a king … a king forever caught in the web that the weaver of war has woven … And maybe his heart does sink , but instead of that , he tries to further CLING to the snippet he thought of before.

   Devotion. Trust. Healing. Hope. CHANGE.

   It’s funny , because those feelings still linger when he looks in Felix’s direction - maybe that snippet was meant for them , too , but he doesn’t point it out. No , no , that’d sound strange.

   ❝ I’ll brew tea - do you have a certain kind you like ?? I have a few , but I prefer CHAMOMILE … ❞ He holds up a box of cheap teabags , setting them to the side as he gently places the navy object on the kitchen table. Though , truth be told , the kitchen table doesn’t look like it’s been touched in perhaps weeks , save for cleaning & dusting - Dimitri doesn’t like to talk about it much , but he does live alone. It only emphasizes the feeling to sit at a table with nobody else around you. 

    ❝ But - I … I do have to say , I LIKE the name Felix a lot , ❞ he says with a genuine nod.  ❝ It reminds me of like … some sort of … hero of sorts. It has a power to it , maybe an EDGE but … power … If. If that makes sense - forgive me if my words sound dumb. ❞ He tucks a lock of blonde hair behind his ear as he walks back into the living room , the blue … cloak once again held between his fingers. And giving them as much as room as possible on the couch , he sits in a single chair , suddenly sandpaper tongued at a loss of words. Those questions - if he had those questions , where are they now ?? 

   He bites his lip again as he tries to think , head now racing … Well , of course , one may find it best to start off with the obvious. ❝ So … This is mine , ❞ he repeats , gaze now looking into theirs. Another deep breath , before he asks , ❝ I don’t … I unfortunately don’t recall ever owning something like this , so … How … How is it mine ?? ❞ Despite the fact they claim it’s HIS , he still feels wrong to take it. Especially as he runs his hands over the blue base , the unknown black , white , and grey fabric on the top … It looks graceful , but also like it’s been through the ringer. He just doesn’t know if it’s right for him to take it.

&&  — HOME. there he went and said it again , the exact thing that they were feeling. awkwardness muddled in with it , yes , but home was the feeling that stood out the most. home where , as soon as they walked through the doors , they were reminded of it. his place was cozy - a lot . . . different from how their own four walls had begun to be for them. one that felt lived in , and not like an empty shell of someplace someone was supposed to stay. 

they turn back to him as he talks , immediately shaking their head. “ oh , i don’t really like. . . ” they trail off. was it rude to just dismiss the idea of a drink ?? they weren’t really sure. “ i’m good , i don’t really need anything. ” of course , it was a bit of a lie. their mouth was dry , their throat scratchy and while maybe a cup of tea or even just water would calm their nerves , they weren’t planning on drinking it anytime soon. 

they’d never heard anyone say that their name reminded him of a hero , though , an eyebrow arching in response as they listened to his ramble. “ a hero ?? ” they can’t help but laugh - genuinely so. they’d never seen themself as a hero , much less envisioned anyone else getting that from a simple word like their name. carefully , they sit down , arms crossing the minute they hit the cushions before simply waiting. they didn’t need to rush him , after all. 

“ it’s yours. ” they nod , the slight doom of already know what was coming next taking over. how do they explain how this is his ?? oh , hey dimitri , we fought in a fucking war and i happened to get your cloak ?? there wasn’t a way to explain it like they wanted to , it seemed , and the more they hesitate , the more peculiar it had to look. “ i . . . i just know it’s yours. this is the one thing where you might need to take my word for , just for now. ” they don’t mean to silence him , honestly , but it’s true, they simply don’t have the answers to that yet. “ not that you have any reason to take my word for it , but. . . ” 

there’s a moment of silence that follows their statement as they look over him once again , their own question forming on the tip of their tongue. what does he remember ?? clearly if not everything , what is the limit ?? they straighten up. “ i hope you don’t mind but . . . i’m gonna take this question thing first ways , ” pause. their immediate gut reaction to ask why they called annette , well , annette - it seems appropriate , given the circumstances but they don’t. 

   — AND SUDDENLY DOES THE AIR TURN THICK. And suddenly , the mountain of questions that Dimitri’s been trying to ignore climbing over suddenly grows taller and steeper as they hold out the blue tapestry - or , well , Dimitri doesn’t think it’s a tapestry anymore - in front of him. To take. It’s his , according to them , but … but IF IT WAS … how … and … and why …

   Yes , such questions leave a forgotten king to grow confused.

    ❝ It’s mine. ❞ HE MEANS IT AS A QUESTION , but it comes out like a statement - as if the inflection of his voice is suddenly out of his control , and it’s telling him that there is nothing to wonder here - they’re right , and he is the rightful owner of the blue fabric in his hands. So he hesitates only for quite a few seconds , before he reaches out and takes it within his fingers and suddenly does he feel STRANGE.

   The air grows cold , Dimitri’s face turns warm , and it’s like white noise starts ringing in his ears as he hears muffled words speaking in his direction. Devotion , a vow that a beloved would make to a king , to repair and to HEAL once was lost as they look into Fodlan skies & Faerghus winds to take upon what was down before , and make it better. Together. But Dimitri can barely make that out as it happens in such a BLUR to where he blinks , and it all stops , and he thanks himself he’s good at keeping up a farce because the vertigo that hits him is nothing short of intense. But with them in front of him … and for him to take in the split second of what felt like a glimpse into another world … something is connected. Something is RIGHT. But that doesn’t mean anything is answered.

   ❝ Please don’t , Felix - ❞ Dimitri suddenly finds himself protesting , and the name falls from his lips on impulse before he figures out his mistake. Is it a mistake ?? Hesitance , before he corrects himself ,  ❝ … Finn. ❞ It comes out more so like a sigh. ❝ … P-Please , um , you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to - I-I’m horribly sorry , but I also … ❞ His grip tightens on the cloak , like it could tear if he doesn’t cling much harder. ❝ … I also would not mind if you were to stay. And I … I would enjoy it , if you stayed. … Maybe I have questions. ❞ Maybe , but of course … why does he have any reason to believe Finn might hold the answers ??

   Because , of course , that short moment. That short moment of feeling the inkling of a CONNECTION where Dimitri only has intuition to piggyback off of - because that feeling is that something is right. And he wants to feel that again , because it will give him answers , and … maybe , the other , he’s simply drawn to. The other feels right.

   Felix. The name feels more comfortable to him. Feels more suitable than Finn. But he won’t dwell on it , he’ll only mentally repeat it. Felix. 

&&  — FINN FEELS THEIR HEART IN THEIR CHEST as the cloak leaves their hands , cheeks flushing as they await something , anything. maybe he’ll respond with nothing , just taking the cloak before going back inside , but maybe he’ll remember everything in that instant too. everything that happened , everything they’d been through . . . they didn’t really know what was worse. and as their eyes met again , just for that brief second - there was some sort of hope. 

that was until he said that one word , the one thing that immediately crashed finn - no , felix’s confidence. he knows their name. it’s this realization that takes their own breath away , face paling as they take another step back. what does he know ?? they feel like they’re spinning , crossing their arms once more to deflect themselves of anything that may come their way , but really . . . nothing does. or , well , nothing hostile at least. just the desire for answers , ones that they aren’t entirely sure they can even breath out.

they take a moment to collect themself , gaze still low to the ground before they finally exhale. “ felix. ” they haven’t heard him say it in years at this point , but he did. “ you can call me felix , ” they pause , rocking back onto their heels for a moment. they could stay too , maybe ,  just a little bit. long enough to get a gauge on how he’s feeling , on if this was now another bridge they’d burned down in the spawn of a week. 

and again , it’s not a bridge he’s ready to lose. despite it all - the war , felix’s own choice , they don’t want to lose him. not now , not again. not when his laughter rises the tension from the depths of their chest , not when he so clearly and vividly reminds them of a home they’d long lost. he is their childhood , the last link to some sort of vision that doesn’t seem as fucked up as they do now. and they can stay for that , they can try to preserve that if it’s even possible to at this point. 

   — THERE ARE DAYS THAT DIMITRI CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS UNMOVING ; they seem to grow more frequent the later he stays awake at night , more so entirely lost in his own thoughts & feelings in which sudden feelings of … loneliness & yearning tend to spike. Like he is more than well-aware a piece of him is missing - but in where so ?? What form does this piece take ?? How does he find them ??

   Such thoughts will BLEED into the wee hours of the night and render Dimitri awake until he must call into work the next morning , inform his boss he’s taking a sick day - which of course , is something he rarely does & immediately sparks concern. But a few polite quips & shrugging off such will settle the conversation , and now he sits , melting into his bed as he sits and stares into the journal in his hands. Where his thoughts , DREAMS are etched … And the vague images he sees in his dreams. One - a swordsman - keeps popping up. How peculiar. 

   Around the corners of his small apartment , Dimitri hears knocking , and he finally drags his eyes away from the pages of his journal , feeling around to find his eyepatch ( it only covers a scar & a milky eye , but Dimitri wears it for comfort primarily ) and cursing it to himself when a few pats of the hand can’t uncover it. Bah , leave it. He’ll be fine - especially if the interaction is minimal. So he , in t-shirt , sweatpants , & all , stumbles out of his bedroom and opens the door as quickly as possible. And immediately he REGRETS not taking his time to make himself look more … presentable. Because there is Finn and yes there is a desire for Dimitri to try and make a good impression. They’re deserving of such , at least , especially in granting him a surprise when he didn’t know he could need one.

   ❝ … I - I am so terribly sorry that I didn’t have the decency to answer in anything else but my PAJAMAS , ❞ he bashfully states , running a hand through his blonde hair. And he purses his lips together , stepping aside. ❝ Would you - Would you like to come in ?? You don’t have to , but … um … I can … I can make tea or something. ❞ Please come in. It’s a mental beg that Dimitri already feels himself pleading , screaming silently they offer him their time despite the calm visage & semi-sleepy look in the eyes.

&&  — THEIR HEART SINKS INTO THE CHEST THE MINUTE HE OPENS THE DOOR , the weight now even heavier against their shoulders. they’d never thought they’d seen what was under the eyepatch but there it was , the pair of eyes staring back at them so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. they clear their throat , attempting to give a laugh at his words , but they can’t ; instead , it hits the air awkwardly and tensely , making it too clear that they were here for different reasons. “ well , uh . . . ” they stop. they could go inside, spend the day with him really , but they shouldn’t.

 and they know that. they know they shouldn’t go , yet their feet stay planted , a certain hesitance as they look to him , them back to the cloak , then back to him. “ i , uh , i think we should wait before deciding that. ” they swallow hard , eyes adverting down to the cloak before reaching out to hold the fabric out. this needed to come first - this , before anything else. 

“ this . . . this is yours. ” their voice is shaky , teeth immediately sinking into their bottom lip. they didn’t get it - if this was the right thing to do , why were they so . . . iffy about it ?? they straighten up , taking a deep inhale before continuing. “ i should have just . . . given it to you before. and i know you’re gonna try to argue with me but just take it , please. ” there’s an urgency in their voice as they hand it over to him , immediately taking a step back as the deed is done.

&&  — A CIGARETTE HANGS FROM THEIR LIPS as they stand outside of the practice venue , arms crossed and pressed to their frame. normally , they’d be inside for the band’s break , sitting in the corner or talking to myde but today they felt smothered , their lungs begging for fresh air by the time the first half was over. not that a cigarette was much better , but they weren’t asking for anyone to critic their actions.

&&  — THERE’S A TIGHTNESS IN FINN’S THROAT as they stand in front of the door to dimitri’s place , the heavy cloak folded in their arms as they wait for something. maybe for some sort of sign from the universe that this was the right thing to do , or for the goddess to come down from the heavens and smite them on spot. nothing was really happening though , at least other than the acceleration of their heart rate as a slight anxiety took over them. they couldn’t stand here forever , surely . . . eventually that would get weird and it’d be better to rip this bandaid off like they had with ingrid , right ?? 

                    SHE  DECIDES  TO  peruse  the  menu  lying  on  the  counter  while  she  waits  for  finn  to  emerge,  despite  already  knowing  just  about  everything  on  the  menu.  there  isn’t  much  else  for  her  to  do  until  someone  approaches  her,  and  she  doesn’t  particularly  want  to  talk  to  any  of  the  other  workers.  as  comfortable  as  she  is  with  those  in  the  pseudo-family  she  has  found  herself  in,  she  can  still  be  somewhat  shy  around  people  she  doesn’t  know,  particularly  those  bigger  than  her  (  which  is  quite  a  few  ).

                    when  she  spots  finn  emerging  from  wherever  they’d  been,  she  lights  up  and  puts  the  menu  down,  ready  to  say  hello,  but  when  she  catches  sight  of  their  face,  her  own  face  falls.  she  doesn’t  know  what  is  wrong,  just  that  something  is  wrong,  and  that’s  more  than  enough  for  her  to  stand  on  her  seat  and  climb  over  the  counter,  jumping  down  before  turning  to  face  them.

                    ❝  forget  about  me,  ❞  she  says,  shaking  her  head.  her  order  can  wait  until  after  she  (  tries  )  to  sort  all  this  out.  ❝  you’re  upset.  ❞  it  isn’t  a  question,  either.  she  doesn’t  want  to  give  them  an  opportunity  to  deny  their  emotions,  though  she’s  sure  that  they  will  try  anyway.  she  opens  her  arms  and  goes  to  give  a  hug,  knowing  how  nice  they  can  feel  in  someone’s  time  of  need.  (  she  thinks  of  isabelle  hugging  her  that  one  time  not  long  after  the  group  first  banded  together,  how  surprised  she’d  been  and  how  comforted  she  had  felt.  she  tries  not  to  think  of  where  isabelle  might  be  now  )  ❝  do  you  want  to  talk  about  it  ??  and  don’t  just  tell  me  no  because  you  don’t  want  to  ❛  burden  ❜  me  or  something,  okay  ??  that’s  stupid.  ❞

&&  — " WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU . . . ” and before they can even protest , she’s off of the counter , standing directly in front of him. “ i , what ?? ” and now she’s hugging them , their arms raising as her arms wrap around them before finally , they give in , giving her a small pat on her head rather than reciprocating the hug. they can feel their heartstrings being pulled , gaze adverting to the wall as they collect themself. “ portia , it’s fine , really - it’s nothing i can’t handle , and i don’t think . . . ”

they swallow hard. “ just . . . ugh , kid. you’re really doing this to me today ?? ” they laugh , finally going to uncoil her arms from around them before taking a step back. “ let’s go out back. ” they don’t really want to talk about their feelings , however , but with portia. . . there simply was no backing out , it seemed.

         There’s a lot that still weighs heavily on his mind - they need to figure out what’s going on with the inconsistent memories, need to patch things up with Ingrid before it’s too late, need to actually sit down and talk to the people affected by this - but they’ve given so much at the cost of what they want. He’s looking fondly down at Felix now, at their red cheeks and that hint of a smile, and thinks that just for tonight, maybe he can be a little bit selfish.

          ❝ I’m just making the most of what time              we have.  Besides, you know I never              do anything appropriately. ❞

          He hears the one word - it’s all he’s wanted to hear, what he wishes he heard the last time he saw them back in Fodlan - and can’t control the bright grin that takes over his face. He sneaks a kiss to the corner of their mouth then pulls away slightly, but still sticking as close to them as possible, unable to get away from their orbit now. 

          He can’t wait anymore. He takes the ring out of their palm, slips it off the chain and slides the ring on their left finger - a sight that he’s dreamt of seeing for so, so long. He has always been theirs, but to see the physical proof of that love… it’s all he’s ever wanted. 

          ❝ Yeah, I know. It looks good, though,              don’t you think ? I’m just glad it fits. ❞

           He raises their hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to where the ring is - now that he’s allowed to touch again, it’s going to be hard to stop. He can’t get the smile off his face.

          ❝ Have any idea where to go ? I don’t              really care, as long as I’m with you. ❞

&&  — THEY DIDN’T EVER KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO SAPPY MOMENTS , TRULY , and as the moment lingered , they felt flustered. their cheeks were still burning with blush , and for once they didn’t even really mind it. they did mind the butterflies in their stomach , however , and the sudden speechlessness that took over them , simply offering a smile in response to him.

and , well , sylvain was right. it was a perfect fit , ( kind of like them , but , they were never gonna admit it. ) and almost immediately with this thought , they felt a wave regret overcome them. this could have been them - maybe in a different life that wasn’t much better than this , one where this ring was more than just a promise , but it could have been them. . . even with that though , there was no time. no time for them , not even enough time for them to stay. they can’t even remember their last words to him - did they tell him they loved him ?? or did they coldly tell him that there was no time. did they cry ?? did sylvain wait for them - did sylvain die without knowing where they were ?? of what came of them ??

and it’s with this that his touch begins to burn. they almost falter - almost , immediately remembering to keep the grin on their face and looking away. hesitantly , they pull away , crossing their arms as soon as they’re no longer touching him before clicking their tongue. “ i . . . no , i was kind of hoping you had an idea. ” they stop , looking over sylvain for a moment before looking away , simply biting their lip to keep their emotions at bay. “ i mean , we could think about that on the way there. ”