BRILLIANT & BEAUTIFUL & BRAVE

          The smile on Elena’s face slowly died down when Monroe started to talk, a worried frown instead taking over her forehead. Elena obviously knew what she was talking about. In high school, she thought at this point in her life she’d have at least two kids, Cesar at home with her, with a normal job with normal working hours. But sometimes, things just didn’t go as planned. “I know what you mean,” she said softly, extending her hand to take Monroe’s and give it a gentle squeeze. Before she could say anything else, she perked up at the mention of Dominic, eyebrows raising on her forehead. “You did?”, she questioned, wide-eyed and unsure whether this was good or bad. “Well, how… how was it?”

Monroe offered her cousin a small smile, appreciative of her cousin’s support though still feeling as if she didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t shocking that Elena was interested as soon as Dominic’s name came up in conversation. A part of Monroe wished she could tell her cousin some lie about how her feelings towards Dominic had totally changed and that their conversation had been nothing but a passing occurrence and more so, one that Monroe was grateful was over. Unfortunately, all the blonde seemed capable of doing was looking up at her cousin with sadness in her eyes. “I know I’m supposed to hate him and I’m supposed to be angry, but... am I stupid for still missing him? Even after everything that he’s done?”

Jude had the decency to at least look a little sheepish, looking at the new stitches on his side. It’d been a close call, anyway. How was he supposed to explain that to his boyfriend? “What kind of coffee do you like?” He wanted to ignore the question, but instead, he huffed out a breath, “Because I can’t, Monroe. If they knew an Angel just walked away…fuck that.”

“Oh yes, God forbid anyone find out that an Angel walked away from potentially getting stabbed,” Monroe was unable to keep herself from rolling her eyes once more, crossing her arms in an almost patronizing manner. “You know you’re better than this, right? That you’re worth more than a life tied to a criminal organization?” Maybe it wasn’t her place to give Jude advice but at the moment, Monroe didn’t really care.

Attention shifted to the blonde, a small smile tugging on her lips as she teased in an attempt to lighten the mood a long night shift could bring. “You know how I hate to be the bearer of bad news so I’m just not going to answer that.” Expression dropped, nose wrinkling at the mention of someone coming in with something that could have been solved by Advil. “A headache? You have got to be kidding me. It’s moments like those I’m glad I don’t have to deal with everyone who walks in here, I’m pretty sure I’d struggle to keep smiling at anyone older than eighteen at during this shift.”

The blonde pouted more, moving to rest her forehead against the long counter as she let out a muffled groan. “I’m never getting out of here,” she mumbled, breathing sharply through her nose before eventually lifting her head back up. “I know that overnights are just another part of the job and granted, they are few and far between, but I would happily take working back to back to back day shifts if it meant not having to wait around for something interesting to happen.” It probably sounded like an odd complaint, a doctor essentially wishing injury on someone, but Monroe was frankly already too tired and way too bored to clarify her statement. “At least I can catch up on some charting,” she mused, taking another sip from her coffee. “At least I have you to suffer with and not that other nurse who calls me ‘Doctor Barbie’.”

         Elena watched Monroe with curious eyes, wondering what was going on inside her cousin’s head. She wasn’t one to pry though, considering she was the one who constantly tried to hide her emotions from the rest of the world. “Really? Because I’d like to know,” she said, but her tone was light and teasing. If the blonde didn’t want to talk about it, they didn’t have to. But Elena hoped her cousin knew she always had an open ear if she needed one. “Anything is better than nothing. Or better than my stories. Oh, my toddler spit out carrot mash onto my favorite white blouse today. Oh, I put salt into my frosting today and it tasted like shit. Oh, I look like a vampire because I was awake all night trying to put my demon of a kid to sleep. See? That’s boring.” Opening her mouth slightly, her eyes narrowed. “No way! That seriously happened?”

Opening up wasn’t something Monroe did very often or with very many people, but Elena was family. She remained silent for a few seconds, gaze directed down at her hands as she fiddled with her fingers, trying to figure out in her head what she wanted to say out loud. “I just— I remember being in high school and having this idea of what my life was going to be and who was going to be a part of it and I just don’t know how things managed to get from what I thought would be to what things are like now...” Her voice trailed off, knowing that if anyone could relate to the way Monroe was feeling, it was Elena. “And don’t get me wrong I’m proud of myself and everything that I’ve accomplished because I’ve worked my ass off to make it happen, but sometimes I just- I don’t know.” Monroe finally lifted her head, sighing loudly. “I talked to Dominic the other night.”

“Nah. Because then I wouldn’t get to see your pretty face every time I come in here.” Jude managed a smile, grateful for her help even though he hadn’t said so yet. “I didn’t know the asshole was going to pull a knife. But I can’t let someone talk about me like that.” 

Once again, Monroe rolled her eyes as she placed a bandage over Jude’s stitches. “How about next time you want to see me just bring me a coffee and not another wound for me to sew back together,” Monroe sighed, suddenly feeling like a parent that was scolding her child. “Haven’t you ever heard of being the bigger person and just walking away? Who cares what other people say about you? Especially when those other people have knives.”

           “I think it is most of the time, but there’s always the exceptions from the rule. Or you get yourself a blonde man. Dark hair looks cute on babies too though, doesn’t it?”, she smirked, nodding down at the dark curls on Olivia’s head, the ones she had definitely inherited from her father. “How could you know? People still meet their soulmates in bars. Or online. Or anywhere – it’s not like there’s a rulebook on where you can find the father of your child and where not.” Elena could understand why Monroe didn’t like the town they lived in. She herself wasn’t the biggest fan either, but this was where her family lived, and where she intended to raise her own. “Oh, yes! Do that, and then tell me everything about it. I need some real life gossip to keep me entertained.”

Monroe’s gaze shifted back over to Olivia, quietly admiring the toddler’s dark, curly locks. Her mind couldn’t help but wander, for a split second allowing herself to think about her own life and if she’d made different choices would she have had a dark-haired child of her own. “Huh?” Monroe finally came back to Earth, tuning back into the conversation she and her cousin had been having. “Sorry, I don’t even know where my brain went just then.” She was tired. She’d been working a lot. All viable reasons, thought Monroe knew none of them were entirely the truth. “Real life gossip? You’re talking to the wrong cousin, my dear,” Monroe admitted with a chuckle. “Unless of course you’d like to be clued in on which nurse got switched to the night shift because one of our superiors found out he was sleeping with one of our attendings... but you definitely didn’t hear that from me.”

“Why do I even bother trying to help you when I know that you’re going to be back here in a few days with the same injury, anyway?” Monroe rolled her eyes, though quickly regained focus as she finished off her final stitch, tying the end off before looking back down at Jude. “Maybe try using your words next time or like... any time, really.”

“Please tell me that the clock is wrong and it’s actually eight thirty in the morning and not eight thirty at night,” Monroe whined before taking a much needed sip from her coffee cup. Overnight shifts were the bane of the blonde’s existence, especially when there was nothing to do. “I’ve been here since six thirty and had one guy come into the ER with what turned out to be just a headache. I’m not going to make it ten more hours.”

Maybe it was a lie to say that Dominic didn’t mean to hurt Monroe at one point because he knew that there was a moment when he wanted it to hurt. He wanted her to hate him so much she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. That’s what he wanted but it was one thing being blind to the hate she now felt, to just knowing it. It was another thing seeing the hurt he caused, seeing the tears pool in her eyes and stream down her face wasn’t something he wanted to witness. More so because he didn’t want to think she was broken without him. He wanted her to move on, be happy. Maybe he didn’t want to see that happiness, maybe he wanted to keep torturing her because she was his version of feeling some sort of hurt and punishment for what he did but in a perfect world — She’d move on, find someone she’s happy with, continue moving up the ladder in her job, she’d be content with the life she’s living rather than trying to be strong for everyone around her. She’d be able to be vulnerable with someone and someone would be able to not only be there for her but protect her. Dominic wanted that for her but it was easier said and thought than done. He knew he was a toxic person but sometimes he wished he could stop the impulses he was so inclined to do and leave Monroe alone. 

None of this would’ve happened if he didn’t go up to her in that bar. She would’ve avoided him, he would’ve got a drink, and they both would’ve left the bar without any issues. Instead Monroe was crying in his arms and it was his fault. He was the one that hurt her so badly she was crying. She was broken. If someone needed more proof to how unhealthy Dominic was for Monroe, here it was. He was like a virus she couldn’t get rid of. Eating away at her. Dominic only had himself to blame for everything. He’d always been the type that fell on his own blade. Thinking he was doing what was best but actually making everything worse. Hurting everyone and himself in the process. That was Dominic in a nutshell. Maybe that’s why he was such an unhappy person? Why he’d always had some sort of sadness in him? — because he was constantly throwing himself on the chopping block. He was continuously hurting those around him because he didn’t think he deserved anything happy or good, anything comforting. Most people wouldn’t understand his logic and need for unhappiness. Most people, once they felt the happiness they been running from, they’d figure out they want it, they don’t want to let it go. Dominic wasn’t like that. Once he felt it, it scared him. He wanted to go back to what he was used to. He was stubborn but he also deep down wanted someone to pull him up from the hole he dug himself into. He just didn’t think he’d be worth it, so even if someone, even if Monroe tried, he found a way to pull away from her further or anyone else. 

Keeping his fingers wrapped around her arms while she pushed at him, Dominic didn’t say much of anything, he didn’t tell her to stop, he didn’t fight back. He just held onto her arms, until she stopped, and hugged her back when she pulled back in. Dominic didn’t know what to say? Honestly, he felt if he opened his mouth the pain in his own voice would be noticeable and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be that vulnerable despite the fact that if anyone had seen Dominic as his most vulnerable, it was Monroe - but things had changed. All the work, the opening up she’d done for him back then, it was closed back up. Running his hand up and down her back, Dominic tried to calm her down as best as he possibly couldn’t. He tried to calm himself down as well. Taking a few breaths before he was ready to speak. “Truth is, Mon, I wanted you to go.” Dominic said, his voice low. “I shouldn’t have used that against you because it’s what I wanted and I know what you’re thinking right now—” Dominic took a small breath, his hand still moving against her back. “You’re thinking that if you stayed things would be different but they wouldn’t and you would’ve wasted all the potential you had on something you couldn’t stop from happening, you did the right thing.” 

If Monroe could somehow keep her eyes closed for just a few more seconds. she was convinced her mind could almost be tricked into imagining the two of them were ten years in the past. The way Dominic comforted her felt so familiar, too familiar and it was making it difficult for Monroe to keeping telling herself that she was supposed to hate him. The decision to leave Hawkins had been a no-brainer for Monroe, knowing that her best shot at building a stable career and future for herself would be if she did it away from her hometown. It had always been her plan, since her very first day of high school when her guidance counselor had told her it was never too early to start thinking about college. Even if it meant leaving her sisters behind, Monroe knew it was the right thing to do for herself. As cliche as it sounded, meeting Dominic and falling in love with him hadn’t been something Monroe even considered in her carefully thought out ten year plan. Even in the beginning stages of their relationship, Monroe’s plans never faltered. She wasn’t going to give up her dreams and her future aspirations of becoming a doctor over some high school boyfriend. And then Dominic became more than just a boy. She couldn’t pinpoint a moment when her feelings for Dom had become what they did, but even at seventeen years old Monroe knew that it was different and suddenly the blonde found herself picturing her life ten years in the future, but she wasn’t by herself anymore. 

Asking Dominic to leave Hawkins with her had initially just been a joke, something Monroe had brought up to see what he’d say. The blonde had always thought of herself as a rational thinking person, but Dominic had always been the exception. If she was honest with herself and looking back on their plans as an adult, Monroe knew her seventeen year old self had been naive to think things were going to work out the way they’d imagined. Still, her nineteen year old self hadn’t even been slightly prepared for her eventual return to Hawkins for Thanksgiving break and having to see the love of her life elbow to elbow with the same men who had all but destroyed her family. It was a betrayal that had cut deeper than Monroe would ever and could ever put into words. Instead of dealing with it, she chose to fill that cut with anger and resentment. It was the only way she knew she’d be able to survive the near fatal blow; if she acted like it didn’t hurt. Monroe’s anger and resentment only grew the longer she stayed away from her small town and by the time the blonde had officially moved back at the beginning of her residency, she’d built a wrought iron fence around herself, so high and so strong that none would be able to get through, least of all Dominic. Ignoring him had been easy at first, her intense hospital schedule and playing family catch-up to thank for that. But as time went on and Monroe began to fall back into the day to day of living in Hawkins County, it wasn’t surprising that avoiding Dominic had started to become harder.

Embracing him in the deserted parking lot of a bar hadn’t exactly been what Monroe pictured as a viable interaction to two could have, but the longer the blonde stood their wrapped up in Dominic’s arms, the harder it was for her to hide behind her wrought iron fence. You’re thinking that if you had stayed things would have been different. You did the right thing. While Monroe assumed that Dominic was trying to comfort her with his words, all they seemed to do was leave her with even more questions. Questions that the blonde hadn’t ever intended on asking, but knew that if she didn’t, she’d always wonder. Loosening her arms from around him, Monroe’s gaze lifted to look up at Dominic, momentarily unable to speak. “Why did you do it?” she finally managed to say, somehow managing to keep her attention fixated on him. “If you wanted me to leave, if you wanted me to live up to my potential, if you weren’t mad at me.... why? I could understand if you were angry or if you wanted to hurt me...” Her voice trailed off, feeling herself getting choked up just saying those words out loud. “I need to know how you could do something like that.” To me, she added silently. How could you do something like that to me?

        “Life never plays out how you want it to,” Elena agreed softly. Of course, she always figured she’d have a child by now and that came true – but the circumstances were not at all how she imagined them to be. “I’m sure you’ll have beautiful blonde babies one day though. And then I can pay you back for babysitting.” It was the least she could do, especially considering that Elena loved children, and would happily babysit her cousin’s children if she ever ended up having any. “Why not? With that mindset, you’re never going to find a father for your future children. But I mean… yeah, I guess. Some of them are pretty hot. In some cases, they even end up being nice as well.”

Monroe gave her cousin a soft smile, attempting to somehow telekinetically give her cousin a squeeze. She gave one final one to Olivia before lowering back onto the ground, watching her toddle away in search of another toy. “I’m pretty sure blonde is recessive, but I guess that means I’ll just have to fall in love with a guy who has blonde hair.” Monroe chuckled, bringing her legs up to her chest and crossing her arms on top of her knees. “I doubt I’m going to find the future father of my children at a bar, Leens. Especially not a bar in this godforsaken town.” It was sort of odd that as much as Monroe hated living in Hawkins, she still stuck around. If it wasn’t for her family, she doubted she still would. “Maybe I’ll just pull a Meredith Grey and accidentally sleep with one of my attendings or something,” the blonde laughed. “Or a vet.”

“But I shouldn’t miss him.” She admitted with a quick shake to her head. “I’m the one who ended it, you know? I shouldn’t have the right to feel heartbroken or to miss him. I should be over it because I wanted this, right?” But she never wanted it. She wanted a future and children and a house where the two of them could grow old but she ripped that dream away from herself. Instead she called off her engagement, cancelled her wedding, and left the man she loved with her whole heart. And fuck, it was the biggest mistake she could ever dream of making and yet, she did it without hesitation. Because she didn’t want to break her family’s heart further than it had been broken by the death of their mother. “Is that why you stayed away?” Her voice was quiet as she asked, her eyes coming to land on her sister.

“Did you want to break up with him?” It was a question that Monroe had never asked because she figured the answer would have been pretty obvious, at least, if Aurora was being truthful with herself. After everything that had happened with their mother, it made the decision to hate the people who were responsible easy. “And just for the record, breaking up with someone whether it was your choice or not, you’re still allowed to miss them. Just because you’re not together anymore doesn’t just make all those feelings just go away.” Leaning back gently against one of the rows, Monroe’s gaze fell on the wall across from her. “There were a lot of reasons why I stayed away,” she admitted with a sigh, turning her head back to look at her sister. “Of course it was hard seeing Dominic, but, it was also hard just being here. The only reason I came back here was because of you and Nala. Because I missed you guys.”