Dragon of the Darkness Gays

Look the yapping got out of my control- I trimmed it down a lot but still ended up with *way* too much- if you want to skip to the characters section, their names are highlighted in red- Enjoy ? Fair warning tho, it’s pretty critical so first thing I want to say : what follows is only my opinion ! And secondly please don’t spoil me Veilguard :) as I know nothing

Well, Dragon Age Inquisition is a pretty enjoyable game for about 40 hours I'd say ? 45 ? Too bad it took me 120 hours to beat- the highs (trespasser mainly-), where very high, some of the best stuff in the franchise so far ! But the lows were so fucking boring and 80 hours long- I didn’t even come *close* to finishing all the quests. I can’t imagine how grueling an experience it must be to 100% this bloated mess....

Getting the slow reveal that a *lot* (if not most) of the interesting side quests were war table shit drove me slowly insane ngl- don’t get me wrong, I like the war table idea ! It’s fun to have little quests that you can choose the responses to and who you give work to. You know what’s more fun tho ? Actually playing said quests- why does the most interesting side shit has the gameplay of a free to play mobile game- I am becoming the joker- you just *have* to play "seeing red" this incredible quest about uh breaking 12 specific pieces of red lyrium for no reward, it’s riveting ! But the funny quest about tracking down Varric’s copycat, the one with twists and secret codes and assassination plots and shit ? Sorry it’s war table, Leliana is the one having all the fun come back in 6 hours ! Helping your clan (I played Dalish) ? Doing odd jobs with Bull's Charges ? Collab with the Crows ? Noble arranged marriages ? Mission with the grey wardens ? No no it’s too fun, gotta be war table ! But don’t worry, go to the Emerald graves and talk to Fairbanks this will absolutely be an interesting quest and not just go talk to good guy then go kill the bad guys (kill me-)

"If it was so terrible, why did you go to *all* the areas ?" The state of disbelief I was in playing this game- who would just spend so much money making such beautiful environments, to then put *nothing* fun there ?? They *must* be something I'm missing, at least one of them must have something interesting going on and if I missed that the fool I would be- the last one I went to, because I didn’t see the icon before the very end of the main quest, was the hissing wastes... and what a perfect area to end on. Just nothing as far as the eyes can see. What a perfect end to my 80 hours long baffled denial- the only worthwhile rewards were the like 4 non essential judgements, 2 of them where fun, the little french professor in the desert looking for dragons, and Cullen’s quest about tracking down Samson....... so to conclude I think it wasn’t worth it :-) in my final hours, I will think back on the fact I wasted so much time searching for shards in the hopes the fucking temple would have something, *anything*, apart from stat boosts...

What bothers me so much is that the broad strokes are roughly there, but there is no love spared for the details. And charm mainly comes from details. The areas are beautiful and vast, the artistic direction is gorgeous, but there is little interesting to do and the exploration never feels rewarding. The characters are interesting, but it often feels like they cannot see what is happening around them like they don’t know where they are and with whom, delivering lines that falls flat (when they *do* say something). The main quest is enjoyable enough, full of character interaction and cinematics, but it’s not even a quarter of my playtime and all secondary quests are either interesting but you don’t get to play them or very grindy and boring.

After a hundred hour I found myself thinking, "yes the companions only say boring shit when then accompany you... but am I asking too much of the game to recognize who's on the team, or where we are, or what are we doing to have banter that responds to your actions and decisions ?" And then I remember that in DA2 if you have a team with one elf, one human and one dwarf, Varric will tell a joke about it. Your companions would comment if you sell equipment that’s important to them. They would discuss the current quest you're doing and not just the main one. They would be happy, or funny, or annoyed, or angry, depending on your team composition. They felt like they were actually with you on your adventures.... DAI's companions disappear if you ride your mount.

But before I yap about said game's companions : Morrigan is the best she ever was in this game. I still really dislike her design, but I'm not thinking about that when she's on screen, being tied to the best quests, managing the arduous task of having her character improved by becoming a mother (a rare thing-), being a condescending cryptic bitch, having one of the least uncanny valley face- like "the final piece" was straight up one of the best moments in the franchise so far.... directly followed by the most rushed ending omfg fjjfkf speedran corypheus's murder in under an hour ?? Oh had I played this in 2014 and had to purchase the real ending as dlc- truly shameless huh fjfkfk but the traditional final discussion with your companions and ending texts (read by Morrigan’s va yesss) were as always delightful

Although I have to ask.... Morrigan is there, Alistaire is there (well, was- Rip !), Leliana is there.... why no Zevran ? ;; Game why do you hate me so ?? I was really convinced he would show up ;;

But circling back to the ending, even if selling the last act as dlc is dubious at best, Trespasser was the absolute best Dragon Age as a series has done so far imo- it truly didn’t feel like I was playing the same game. Your companions talk ! They have things to say to you !! About the story, about how they’ve been doing during the time skip. This 8 hour dlc did more to make me care and love these characters then the 110 hours before it- The balance between combat and interesting exploration and lore was really good ! The little codex notes were enjoyable ?? The environments were so beautiful and varied and whimsical- truly, if the rest of the game was half as good as this, I would *not* be complaining this much. As is tradition the ending is.... hmm... abrupt let’s say. Not a cliffhanger like the base game at least, but it is very much teasing a sequel that I'm pretty sure Veilguard didn’t end up being- I could be wrong tho

Although, and I am genuinely asking, for me the inquisitor was missing their arm in the final cutscene. And I have no idea if it was a bug on my end, a bug for everyone, or did they just cut their arm off screen ?? If it’s not a bug this is very poor storytelling, especially after the scene with Solas when he "takes the anchor to buy me time" but nothing visually changes- It just left me confused, then convinced it was a bug, but the fact the achievement is called "a permanent scar" made me doubt-

But without further ado !

Josephine !!!!!!

Very nice woman who likes to talk a little shit and has *all* the gossip alphabetized in a easily readable list ?? I would have let her micro manage the rest of my life fjfkkf I'm tuning in every night to gossip central, Josephine please one chance-

I also really liked her character’s quest ! Not as much as Cullen’s, but it’s still pretty long (for this game-), and it’s high stakes lethal bureaucracy how fun ! A majority of it being war table shit didn’t put me off as much since it felt narratively justified for Josephine. And you even have a crucial choice if you want to keep doing things her way and respect her expertise in the matter or listen to Leliana's blood thirst (that has minimal repercussions but still-) :D

She was just such a consistently charming and enjoyable character to talk to ! Also it’s so cute you get to accompany her to the opera in trespasser ;w;

Before continuing on I do have something important to talk about, and Josephine being the one to make it all run smoothly is the perfect excuse... You know before I played this game I always assumed the 'inquisition' from the title referred to the villains ? It might just be me, but words have meanings and "inquisition" does have a raver charged history- does the game ever manages to convince me an inquisition is a good thing, especially as we accumulate more and more power throughout the game ? Did it ever not feel wrong to have every single person call your character "the inquisitor" ? Well no- Did I feel genuine discomfort with the 'claiming areas with inquisition banners' mechanic and often found myself deliberately choosing not to put one down ? Yes and on top of that it’s useless... yes trespasser addresses precisely that, with lord Teagan my man spitting facts the second he gets on screen, but it does feel too little too late as in my opinion it should have been a central question- and for me it trivialized the final choice of keeping or getting rid of the inquisition, because imo it’s no choice at all. My question truly was "why are we still running this operation 2 *years* later ?? And why are all my companions this power hungry as to wish it to continue ?" And more importantly, Josephine girl relax no need to fight this hard when I planned to call it quits from the start-

Iron Bull :DD

The relationship between Bull and his Chargers is so fucking precious it’s a crime we don’t get to see them more- but I *am* glad we get to see him and Krem be besties ;; I love them so much- also congrats to Krem for the best joke in the game ! I admit I laughed at the offering your boss top surgery for his massive tits line

And I *love* that he's a spy !! I am very weak for spy characters, and him subverting a lot of the expectations I had about him (big muscly barbarian with a hammer, must be dumb as bricks) right away was a nice surprise ! There is so much little layers to him- like if you asked me before I played this game, which character shared a surprising amount of similarities to Garak from DS9, I would not have said Bull fjfjdk

Also it goes without saying, but he has a banger design (even if weirdly proportioned- he got that silly smol head syndrome). Although the fact that all the shirtless dlc armor have an ozempic effect and give him a six pack is nightmare inducing like wtf game ??? Why are you showing me my blorbo starved n dehydrated ?? Who did this to him ;; who booked him for the boob reduction surgery- Krem I thought it was but a jest !!!!

Truly a character of all time, held back by this game's shit banter.... for example during the descent dlc, legion of the dead dwarf Renn asks about killing dragons. Iron Bull, dragon’s number one fanboy borderline fucker, says nothing.... his silence is deafening, my disappointment dull at this point

Cassandra !

The classic Dragon Age sword n shield warrior combo that wins me over as time goes on, like Alistaire or Aveline before her ! Never gets old for me apparently- but I have to say she does feel like Aveline 2.0, very serious knight woman with a secret love for romance, but this time more catholic fjdj and I have to say she's an improvement ! Although no idea if I'm objective here... look I'm just a lesbian in the face of her voice actor-

There was no way in hell I would have elected her centrist ass for the papal deal, her banter is mostly boring, but as time goes on I appreciate the fact you get see that she's a little nerd freak that would have loved booktok jfkkf she would have killed for ao3-

Although it’s with a heavy heart that I do have to annonce.... New sexism type introduced to this game series 🎉🎉 and it’s the 2014 girlboss not like other girls special (kill me-) !!!!!!! To be fair it doesn’t come up that often, but when it does- omfg when it does- like a comment Iron Bull makes in a rare banter with Cassandra, saying it’s good she doesn’t wear titty armor like other women do. And I'm not talking from a character perspective here, Iron Bull is written as a sexist because of his origins and that’s fair ! No problem with that ! But when the people writing this address the sexism of passed games, by writing it as the in universe women of said game being vain idiots- oh this is bad ! I hate this thanks :))

And it also taints some good character moments ! Like I did enjoy the quest were you discover Cassandra is a little nerd and very intense about a trash romance series Varric wrote ! It’s a very endearing character trait to give her ! Didn’t care for the weird underlying "women are dumb for enjoying romance novels and not serious stories" tho. Strongly supported by the fact in a previous conversation Varric tells you he doesn’t like writing romance and excuse me ???? I came out of DA2 convinced Varric was writing trashy bodice rippers, and you know why ?? You can’t look me in the eye and tell me "hard in hightown" is not (gay) porn. Also idk it’s fun ?? Why does this game hate fun- they could have bonded over it as a shared hobby, but instead Varric gets to lord it over her because can you *imagine* a man liking silly romances ?

But anyway, my real question is : can Cassandra and Leliana kiss ? Even just once ? With tongue ?

Habemus papam leliana !

I want you to know a lot of my notes where just different iterations of "can Leliana and Cassandra kiss already ??" over and over and over again fjfkfk

Anyway, I finally get the hype. Not only is she great, she canonized Valence in the Dragon Age cinematic universe™️ fjfkfk Valence, this little french town near Lyon I once got stuck at with quiji because our second train never showed up, that has the most  hilariously bad surprise taxidermy exhibition I've ever seen in their otherwise very middle of the road museum. If we were not on a mission from the dead pope, Leliana would have taken me to see the deflated dry wolf I just know it

Have to say I didn’t soften her, because I do believe in not telling women how to do their job fjfjfj and I didn’t regret it !! Why would I want a less murderous pope ?

I do have to report a detail that really bugged me for the whole game tho... Leliana's face is so creepy- ma chérie you might want to slow down with the botox I beg you- she looks like she's made of wax-

"Blackwall"

Blackwall, I'm glad you have "girlish enthusiasm" said in a deadpan fjdjdk He understands that criminality is mostly the result of poverty done by people who have no other option, he is shy, a quiet weirdo, he looks like a corpse, but all around just a good man- wait. WAIT.

Was he there, in Ferelden, during the events of DAO ??? Brother, what the fuck ?? And you left Alistaire and my ass do it on our own ??? <- I want you to know I wrote this note *before* the twist reveal. I am a genius fjkfkd but yeah like I said I like Thom ! Wished he did something worse tho ngl, like ok betraying your former soldiers for money then running away with a fake warden identity is pretty bad. But not enough to make the decision of saving his ass a real dilemma, especially how late in the game it comes ! Leliana is killing people and innocents by the dozens and it’s literally fine ?? My reaction when you learn what he did was just a "that’s it ?", and I don’t think that’s the intended one-

It could have been such a creepy reveal !!! But nooo, can’t have a companion do something *too* bad that would make the perfect inquisitor a dubious person if he covered it up in the name of friendship... And speaking about this ! I know the appeal of this genre of game is very much the powerfantasy... but could it maybe stop sucking my dick dry every time I do anything ? "Oh inquisitor you're so wise and sexy and cool" "omg you're like the second coming of Jesus the christ (she/her)" "waow you're so special and a gifted leader", meanwhile the inquisitor being the worst protag so far with the charisma of a slab of red meat : (-:

But getting back on topic, I have to say it felt wrong to deadname (in the literal sense, a man is dead !) him for the rest of the game- wasn’t the point of his personal quest for him to stop living in the lie ? For him to deal with his guilt and own up to his past actions ? Yes but also keep calling him Blackwall, because "he got used to it"... my ass he got used to it this felt like the devs not wanting to change his name and now you get this weird non resolution ? I'm glad they finally call him Thom in trespasser, better late than never ig !

Dorian...

Frankly Dorian’s character writing let me down. It’s shallow, it’s cliché, I'm bored .... he's a *Tevinter* mage !! It would have been so easy to give him *anything* interesting ?? Especially coming after a game where everything we heard about these guys was mainly from Fenris- but ! What saves it for me is his (rare) banter. I'm french, so when I see a character complain non stop of course it works, like finally ! My people ! Fjfkf Also, flamboyant man being precious, of course I like him those are the two best thing a fictional man can be ! Still wished they would have done more with him... or at least a less cliché story line- like it’s your first strictly homosexual guy, and his story line is him having a shit relationship with his dad ? Woaw, just how do they come up with such fresh ideas- and at the end he gives you his number, tells you to call him maybe, then fucking leaves ?? Alright ig ? But can we circle back to his "going back to Tevinter to deal with the *couple* of magisters giving Tevinter a bad name" ?? Just a couple my guy ??? The country running on slave labor that have been practicing eugenics for generations ?? Yeah no this guy truly has nothing apart from father issues, being gay™️ and what I'm pretty sure is accidental dubious takes on his country’s politics.... at least his "I'm too pretty to die" line is funny- although what’s up with all the serpent imagery ? I get what it’s supposed to represent but... apart from being a bit shady, he isn’t mean ? He doesn’t even lie ?? Is it about shading his old skin for a new one, but that’s so vague it could be applied to anyone experiencing character growth- am I missing something obvious ??

Seriously tho it’s crazy his most interesting plot line is in the dlc ending- Like excuse me game I wanted to learn more about his forced political career ? You finally gave him *something*, but we're ending in like 2 hours ?? Imo he should have been way, way meaner when you recruit him. Let him be the tevinter magister you expect in the beginning, so we get to see him have the character growth I'm assuming he got before the game and get out of his father's influence. Bonus point for showing us a dysfunctional parent/child relationship with something other then in a scene where the son is convinced/tricked into meeting and hearing out his father's apology (as someone who once was in Dorian's shoes, I really didn't like this scene-). And that would make his drive to go into politics to try and fix his country more believable and satisfying to see- but anyway.

That’s the first time I regretted my choice of romance in a Dragon age game btw- mainly because maybe him and Bull’s relationship might have been more interesting ? They both might have had more going on ? I should have romanced Josephine... or Bull but that would have defeated the whole 'see the companion romance play out' bit... well, too late now !

To finish this.... reasonable.... Dragon Age inquisition exorcism from my brain, here's how my companions (+advisors) tier list is looking :)))

Notes on Vivienne and why I would have wanted to antagonize her : really love making a choice 15 hours into a game, that leads one of the main characters to completely stop talking to me because she hates me so much fjfjkf I'm not saying she shouldn’t hate me, it makes perfect sense for her character and who she is, but I sure wish that did not mean I wouldn’t interact with said character again !

Solas tho I'm in it for love of the game. I would have *loved* to make this pretentious nerd hate me- I would have rage baited him so good !!!! Then my Dalish inquisitor can have a crisis of faith over it later- but noooo instead I had to play nice.... how boring... let me have drama with the guy about to doom the world >:(

... You know what this is so long idc anymore, this is just for me, for posterity, look at my beautifully gnc little dalish mage :3c

He might not have much personality, but at least he's pretty (yes I downloaded a whole mod manager to install ONE (1) mod just to get a haircut I didn’t hate rjkfj) ! Very feminine person with a deep voice, lethal combo. Ready to be your dead wife in a flashback- More seriously, to finish on a high note, if there is one thing I was very pleased with in this game it’s the dress up. Finally a Dragon Age game with decent dress up !!!! You can even change boots and gloves, and colors and fabrics how cool is that :D and you can do little outfits for all your friends awww

PS : the evil bébé, born from my dubious cowardly choices at the end of DAO, isn’t evil at all..... I don’t know if I've ever been more let down in my life

PPS : but really tho, can’t the right and left hand of the divine kiss ? Aren’t they already married ? Seriously, you're telling me Leliana and Cassandra have not explored each others bodies ?? Slander, all of it.