Maybe OSDD Rants

by Sunflower

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Do you really want to know?” says a concerned voice, from the back of my mind.

“Yes. Why shouldn’t I know?” comes a reply, not from me.

“Maybe,” comes another.

“I guess not,” I finally say. I shouldn’t have bothered asking this question.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“No,” says a small voice to me.

“Why do you think that?” I ask it.

There’s no answer. Only crying.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Yes,” states someone matter-of-factly.

“How do you know for sure?”

“You’re literally talking to an alter, right now,” they point out.

Ugh! How is that supposed to answer my question?!

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Fuck off with these questions! It’s ridiculous!” growls something from deep inside, bubbling with rage. “Do you think this is fun? Do you think this is a game?”

I don’t.

Oh God, I don’t.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

Screams.

Ripping.

Spiraling.

Falling apart.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Why does it matter?” replies someone in the back.

“I don’t know,” I confess.

“Does it matter to you?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Does it matter to someone else?”

They already know the answer. They’re sitting in the back of my thoughts with it.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Do you feel like you’re not hurt enough?” Someone asks this.

The background is wracked with voices mirroring my own. Some shout yes, others shout no. I don’t know if they’re my own thoughts or something else.

“I’m not sure,” I finally say, confused.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Why are you asking this so much?” a voice asks.

“Well, sometimes I just wonder if I was hurt enough to have DID,” I explain.

“You have it. Doesn’t that already answer your question?”

“No,” I reply, a bit angrily. “I don’t feel like what I went through justifies me having DID like this. Wouldn’t my childhood have to be extremely unnatural? I mean, sure, I was suffering, but was that enough?”

“You do realize that suffering isn’t natural, right?”

I don’t know how to reply.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

A child is asking me this. I hold them close. I cradle them in my arms and rock them.

“I wish you didn’t,” I sigh.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“You went through too much,” says someone else.

“Yeah. You did, too,” is all I can utter. 

Acceptance fills out the space between us.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

A sad voice whispers through the frosty darkness. “I don’t wish anymore pain onto you.” 

“I don’t wish it onto you, either,” a voice whispers back.

I touch their hands. We are connected.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Yes, and the proof is in our existence. Our existence is proof of our survival,” a familiar voice answers me.

We survived?

“You did. I did. All of us survived.“

I feel the others shift inside. Warmth blossoms in my chest.

The system that is me, suffered. The system that is me, also survived.

Hi,

I'd prefer to keep the original survey specific to Tumblr so that I can get a sense for this community specifically. However, I created a second survey for individuals on other sites! Please feel free to link to this one wherever! It could lead to really interesting opportunities to compare across platforms.

Thank you,

There have been many times when having an alter(s) there to comfort me has made a world of difference. It seems like no matter what is going on, heir love, patience, and understanding can get me through anything. Becoming a system is just the brain's way of protecting itself, and their protection has continued ever since. We may not always have the best relationship, but we are always there for each other.

[ID]

Panel 1: Jak is sitting at a school desk with his head in his hands, the teacher is standing in front of him holding a paper marked 'D'. The teacher loudly states "You're failing."

Panel 2: Jak is walking away from behind a counter, his boss shouting "You're fired!"

Panel 3: Jak's soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend is pulling away from him, saying "I'm breaking up with you."

Panel 4: Jak, who is noticeably distressed, is being hugged by Ian and Kyra while Atom pats his shoulder. The text (in Jak's voice) reads "No matter what happens, no matter how low I get, no matter why I'm there, I know I'm safe, I know I'm not alone, I know I'm loved."

Hi,

You caught me in a weird mood, so even though I've been trying to avoid restarting this controversy and turning the inbox into a flood of angry asks, I'll bite:

It's bullshit. Complete, 100% bullshit.

A) People who are "neurodivergent" or who "hyperfixate" didn't suddenly spring into existence within the last few years. This pattern of claiming to be "fictive heavy" is extremely new and extremely community-specific. That is, you don't see it from DID/OSDD-1 systems who don't engage with social media communities where these types of claims are the norm. For many, claiming to be "fictive heavy" is still associated with endogenic systems, not DID/OSDD. I really can't stress enough how new this is; when I surveyed the Tumblr DID/OSDD community back in 2014, only 25% of 124 people had any fictional introjects; when I asked people on a scale of 0 to 10 what percentage of their system was introjects of any type, only 8% of people answered 3 or higher, and only 2 people said they were more than 50% fictional introjects. This is extremely obviously social contagion.

B) Alters don't spring up out of nowhere or get recycled for new alters every few months. If someone with autism says that many of their alters are based on characters from a TV show they were obsessed with as a kid, that's one thing, but someone frequently presenting with a new cast of characters from their current media interest doesn't understand how splitting works. Alters all have purposes. "I like this character" isn't a reason for a new alter to form. "I'm obsessed with this character" also isn't a reason for a new alter to form. Even if someone does have reason to split a new alter and to shape that alter around a fictional character, it's extremely telling that these types of "systems" almost inevitably stop talking about their "fictives" as soon as they lose interest in the media source. That is also not how alters work. This whole thing reeks of being fantasy prone and unable to tell the difference between an alter and a character that someone wishes were in their head.

C) I can't say too much about this because I don't want to come across as speaking for the ISST-D* before they put out any official statements, but I think it's okay to share at this point that the majority of ISST-D clinicians and researchers think most systems claiming to be fictive heavy are at best confused about what disorder they have. The kindest interpretation is that these "systems" actually have maladaptive daydreaming. The least kind is that many of them have factitious disorder. There are also more than a few very confused professionals who think anyone claiming to be fictive heavy is automatically claiming to be an endogenic system. I truly cannot stress enough how strongly professionals are opposed to the idea that it’s suddenly common for genuine DID/OSDD systems to be full of fictives.

(*I stated in the past that I had no intention of joining the ISST-D, but someone else actually sponsored my membership so that I could be brought onto one of their projects. I can’t really say more than this to keep the organization’s / members’ confidentiality and keep my own identity private.)

D) On a slight tangent, "neurodivergence" doesn't innately have anything to do with being extremely into media. Autistic “special” (circumscribed, perseverative, or restricted) interests are only rarely primarily related to media. For both men and women, common interests are related to objects, technology, or scientific fields. Stereotypical examples include trains, cars, vacuum cleaners, computers, dates or times, spinning objects, numerical patterns, taxonomies, Lego structures, or collecting Pokémon cards. Other possibilities include biology, animals, art, sports statistics, and even dust, paper bags, or collecting socks. Even media interests tend to look more like using Disney quotes to communicate with others, only caring about things related to Thomas the Tank Engine, memorizing movie trivia or huge portions of dialogue from Lord of the Rings, or obsessively collecting information related to an obscure book series. Special interests are by definition atypical in intensity and duration to the extent that they can interfere with daily life functioning, socializing with others, and learning unrelated topics (although they can also help with learning if deliberately utilized, and they can have the obvious benefit of helping to shape one’s career). 

TV/media interests are often flat out left off of studies on special/circumscribed interests because they’re often indistinguishable from allistic/neurotypical interests; when they are included, they require something beyond just a strong interest to make them sufficiently abnormal, which usually only fits 25-30% of the samples. One recent study found that less than 10% of almost 700 professionally diagnosed autistic adults identified a fictional character as a special interest, making it one of the least endorsed categories. Similar (15%) was found for autistic youth and adolescents, with half of that 15% being into Thomas the Tank Engine. In fact, being interested in popular TV shows or characters that all of one’s friends are also into, using these as a way to socialize with friends and through social media, and shifting interests as what’s popular shifts would all be more closely associated with allistics/neurotypicals. 

In short, autism isn’t a fancy way of saying “obsessed with popular media”, and it’s intensely frustrating that that’s how some corners of the internet portray it. There’s no evidence that autism increases fictional introjects in DID/OSDD, and, even if it did, there’s no reason that these “fictives” would be from currently popular TV shows, as is usually what’s being claimed online. It has to be acknowledged that the people incorrectly self diagnosing with DID/OSDD aren’t necessarily any more trustworthy in how they talk about autism.

D2) The same applies to "hyperfixations." Despite how the internet uses this term, ADHD hyperfixation refers to the ability of someone with ADHD to get highly absorbed in a specific activity for a period of time usually consisting of a few hours. It’s functionally synonymous with “hyperfocus” and also has nothing to do with latching onto media. The closest thing actual research has to say about ADHD and media is that people with ADHD often spend more time watching television or playing video games than neurotypicals (similar can be said for social media; the key factor here isn’t being interested in characters, it’s instant gratification). Nothing has been found regarding obsession with specific characters. Actually, ADHD in general isn’t associated with special interest-like obsessions. In fact, a search for “ADHD” and “obsessions” turns up results related to OCD-like symptoms and ruminating on negative thoughts. “ADHD” and “special interest” only brings up relevant results from sites like Quora, Reddit, Twitter, and Tumblr; there are no research articles or even professional advocacy sources on this topic except for those naming special interests as a way to differentiate between autism and ADHD. Even in the social media posts, the descriptions are of intense interests that are nonetheless quickly (within days to at maximum a few years) abandoned for something else once the novelty wears off. These interests are commonly described as involving something other than media, let alone specific characters. (To the contrary, I see a lot of discussion of intense but brief hobbies and impulsively spending money on courses.) I don’t see any reason why this would cause a majority of one’s alters to be fictional introjects, let alone a constantly shifting cast based on one’s current interests.

tl;dr TikTok isn’t a trustworthy source. The claim that autism, ADHD, or other neurodevelopmental disorders are responsible for “fictive heavy systems” doesn’t match how DID/OSDD work or how autism/ADHD/NDDs work. At best, this is a game of misinformation telephone. At worst, people are using autism/ADHD/NDDs as excuses for claims about DID/OSDD that they know don’t match typical presentations of the disorders. Either way, it has the potential to harm perceptions and understanding of all involved disorders.

I hope that this helps,

Hi,

Please talk to a therapist about this. I'm not by any means an expert on eating disorders, but my understanding is that all of the things that you just named can play into or characterize eating disorders, especially for trauma survivors. It does sound very possible that you as a whole would meet the criteria for an eating disorder (depending on how often these behaviors occur and their impact). Regardless of the underlying reasoning, eating disorders are serious and potentially dangerous. Even if you don't have a full-blown eating disorder, you still deserve better than to self-harm through starvation. You deserve support from a qualified professional.

Take care,

Host in denial

Feral Bastard bisexual

Ball of sunshine

Emo

Faceless entity

reblog if

you’re a system

you have DID

you have OSDD

you are 15+

you have other mental health problems

you have dissociative/derealization/depersonalization symptoms

professional diagnosis