Decide to be happy

The past week had been so incredibly peaceful, Isak knew that he had to push himself to see his detox trough. Which was why he was determined that tomorrow morning they would go to the hospital and Max would stay with him until the intake paperwork was all done, and he’d finally commit himself like he should have done the first time. Not just for himself but for Max, and for the sake of them. Right now though he was enjoying this last hurrah of being at the carnival with the love of his life. Simply stuffing themselves with sugar and going on silly rides. 

Turning sideways in response to the kiss, Isak arched a curious brow, listening to the proposal. “Alright babe. Don’t rush okay, this is the slowest line..” he said with a soft smile, squeezing his hand back before letting go, only briefly shifting his attention to the person in line in front of him before his eyes easily found his boyfriends curly top, easy to see across from where he was standing. Then something exploded, and chaos ensued. Isak was forced to step backwards as people were screaming and running. As the panic spread, more people began to run towards the exits, one of them shoving Isak out of the way hard enough for him to loose his balance and end up on his ass, swearing as he was forced to roll on the ground to avoid legs of people rushing past, seeming not to care who they hit. He didn’t really feel the bruise on his rear or the smaller cuts on his knees and palms as he jumped back up on two feet, dread filling him as he searched for Max. Where the fuck was he!? Making his way towards the cotton candy booth, Isak was prepared this time when someone almost ran into him, pushing his elbow out to ward them off. 

Finally locating those dark curles, Isak cursed out loud, running over to Max. “Shit you’re bleeding. Here lean on me.” he said, pulling his arm over his shoulders to support Max. “We need to get you to the hospital.” The angle of that ankle was not looking good, and he most likely needed stitches. 

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With a quick kiss on the cheek, Max saw the opportunity. “There’s no line for cotton candy, you stay here and I’ll go grab some for us to share on the ride?” With a quick squeeze of his hand, the head of curls took off for the stand. Isak was still just in his line of sight when one of the generators exploded, no one had seen the fire yet. He was shoved, his ankle twisting, sending shooting pain up his leg, while falling into the booth and hitting his head rather hard. He was dizzy, for sure, his forehead bleeding- but every instinct in his body was telling him to get up and get back to Isak. He ran away last time, he wasn’t about to lose what little family he had left. 

“Izzy?” Max was limping, looking around for anything or anyone that could help. “Isak?” @offtherxils​

“Oh no I’m definitely cutting you off when you can no longer walk straight.” Isak teased right back with a chuckle, smiling back at Max. They were in a rare good place, and it was worth celebrating to him. And even though he found carnivals to be a bit odd and somewhat cheesy, he would go anywhere to be with his boyfriend. Squeezing Max’s hand when he felt the others close around his own, walking side by side among the boots. “Guess that should be our next stop then. Though if they have cotton candy that large we best share one.” he noted with a grin. “Wanna play some games after?” 

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Max perked up at games, looking around now and nearly tugging Isak along. “I suppose I could take a sugar break.” He hummed, knowing he’s had his fill. “Games first? And then we can definitely share a cotton candy. You pick the first one, what prizes do you want?” 

Isak suspected that he was hitting the nail on the head when it came to most of the things Max might have pointed out as well. They had talked about him finding another job before, though every time he tried to go trough with it, he found himself panicking. Not because of the drugs, but because all he really knew how to do was dance. He had no other education and well aside from comics and occasionally working out, Isak had no interests that gave him the knowledge to work in a different field. The possibility of him changing work and then being miserable with the work was very high. The feel of lips against his skin tingled, making Isak smile a little despite the difficult conversation. “Then we’re getting somewhere.” he noted, not nodding as he didn’t want the fingers in his hair to disappear. 

Clearing his throat a little, not sure whether to find the response endearing or amusing, perhaps a bit of both, Isak realized he needed to clarify. “I mean romantically. Sexually. I don’t want to share you in those aspects, and you shouldn’t have to share me with anyone either.” he explained, albeit a little carefully, given that he was fairly sure Max had everything on the clean side there too. Again he was the one with a job that often prompted one to have to cross those lines. “Sorry this version of me haven’t been around for a while.” It wasn’t odd that he didn’t trust the person he became under the influence. Because that guy wasn’t reliable. “Would we starve if I were to quit my job and look for a new one? Because I know that means I won’t be able to contribute in the meantime. I just don’t think waiting to do so until I have a new one is the safest solution.” Thinking a little, he considered the whole ordeal of rehab. If he went, then he wouldn’t be a burden during the downtime. The cost was high, but the reward was higher. “If I check myself into the program.. come see me every day?” 

. 

The human’s heart actually fluttered, his entire attention turning to focus now on the man on his lap. Isak was talking exclusivity, which was the root for his guilt for a little while now. Max wanted that- to be able to ignore some of the looks the duo got when they were out and about, but it was hard knowing that he still shared that aspect of isak. But he was suggesting... “Both of those things sound lovely, Izzy.” It was hard not to want to kiss him again, to want more with him now. But this conversation was important. “The city would pick up what we needed.” He hummed, “Bills and food wise. They pay a decent part of the rent now and I just use that for groceries....or therapy.” Or put it into savings.

Despite the ache in his body, Isak felt entirely at ease like this, easily soothed by the combination of Max’s touch and sitting close, just being together in all its simplicity. This was one of the biggest tells he’d ever had that they were right for one another. Or rather that he was right for Max. There had never been a question in his mind whether the other was right for him. He’d known that from his early teens.

His heart picked up speed at the admission, having to fight the urge to turn, wanting to see his boyfriends face. “Yeah? Mine too.” He replied, smiling wryly for a moment. Though it was probably good that their 16 year old selves hadn’t had this conversation. Then again Isak knew he had been far to awkward for it at that age.

Taking a deep breath, he tilted his head a little in thought, a small chuckle crossing his lips just from hearing the other laugh.. “Well I suppose that’s also one of the things I’d want to change. You know, feeling trapped and stuck.” Clearing his throat a little, Isak knew what he wanted to say, though it was also hard to. If he couldn’t live up to it then he’d just end up disappointing Max even more. “Look I know my addiction is the root of pretty much every issue I have, and it’s the only big issue we’ve had. So obviously, I do want to be sober in the future.” he began, calm but slightly exhasperated at himself, having such a hard time putting it into words because he knew that came with a certain committment. “Probably have a different job that didn’t enable like it does.. more friends who were sober.” Isak ticked off, his list obviously longer than one Max would be able to come up with.”Having you all to myselfin every way.” Swallowing a little hard his voice sunk several decibels adding that last one. “For you to be able to trust me..”

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Max’s fingers stilled, listening to him and nodding. It was hard for Max to not just point fingers, he wanted to just agree. He leaned down- pressing a kiss to the man’s temple, fingers moving once more. “That’s the future I want to be around for.” He mumbled, watching the other carefully.

He watched the wallet fall from the man’s pocket, hoping that he’d realize. That he’d feel it. Something. But no one told him, nor did the owner turn around. Max was quick to move as he watched, only flipping it open to hopefully find an ID or something. “Mr. Marlowe! Wait!” @lee-marlowe

Feyre shrugged off her sweater and draped it over the back of her seat. She was still used to the Calgary summers, which weren’t quite as warm as what she was experiencing here on the island. “That’s understandable, given the circumstances,” She smiled gently over at him. “Frustrated, worried as hell, just… feel helpless.” The witch sighed gently, resting her arms on the table. “It’s like talking to a brick wall, y’know?”

. 

“It’s like living with a brick wall.” Max watched her for a second, a hand reaching over for hers. “We’ll figure it out... there has to be a way to get through to him. I flushed his stash after the ball. I didn’t...care. I was so mad that I was so dumb that I just flushed what I found.” Max looked at Feyre, sighing. “He definitely needs to get out of the club scene, in my opinion. It’s....a trigger or something.” 

Isak knew it was wrong of him, to wish for a future together. To want to at some point be legally bound and share the same last name, heck, share everything. But if he was worried things were bad for Max now, being tied to him just emotionally, he couldn’t imagine what it might be like if he was tied to him legally too.. “I know we slipped right back into things without needing to think, and I’m not sorry we did, and I do want to be with you. Not just now as a boyfriend but.. I want it all with you Max. Marriage, hose, kids, growing old together. But I don’t know how to protect you from the guy I become when on drugs..” The mention of his mother made him grimace, hell the comparison was way off. “You are nothing remotely like her.” he felt the need to state right away. That poor excuse of a parent.. if life had taught him anything it was how real parents would never act like his mother had. 

“You are helping me. All the time, more than you know. And you’re the only family I have left. Thats not lost on me.” he would normally have sighed with a sense of sadness, though the feel of those fingers against his scalp ensured it was one of relaxation instead. “Is it selfish? To want to be a we, yet not wanting you to feel like you’re trapped with me?” Shitty best friend. No, he could never be that. “You’re an amazing best friend.”  

. 

Max let his eyes close, fingers just idly playing in the man’s hair. There was a comfort in the safety that it brought. Knowing that Isak was safe, right here, no unexplained variables that he couldn’t count for. Max could protect him forever. 

“So then let’s...talk about that.” He’d be lying if that didn’t make the butterflies in his stomach act up, his eyes opening and looking down at the other. “It’s something I’d want too. It’s something 16 year old me would probably jump at in a heartbeat.” But was it selfish? No. Not in his mind. He knew he wasn’t trapped with anyone. 

“Get rid of the I’m stuck mindset.” Max hummed, watching him for a second. “People who are stuck don’t get to sit on the couch at the end of the day and basically cuddle.” He laughed a little. “What changes in that future you see? Married and all.” 

Isak bit his lip, not entirely sure how to counter that. Then again it was a damned familiar head space this one. Constantly feeling like he didn’t deserve Max at all yet being told that he still wanted to be together. That his feelings hadn’t changed. “I.. and you don’t think that we shouldn’t? I don’t deserve you. I want to but we both know that I don’t.” Pinching the bridge between his nose and forehead, Isak searched for the right words, wanting to express his thoughts and feelings adequately but constantly finding himself short of words. “Yeah, for right now.. at this rate frustration is goin to turn to bitterness and resentment damn quick. Which I totally deserve.” he said with a small head shake. Being pulled over to the couch, Isak didn’t have much resistance in him. All he wanted was to slip back into that familiar, safe closeness they’d always had and pretend everything was okay. But if they didn’t talk then the vicious circle would just continue.. 

Good naturedly rolling his eyes, Isak sat down where Max clearly wanted him, smiling softly. “Alright, I’ll bite.” he agreed, not about to pass on an opportunity to be touched and cared for. After all no one did better head massages. Not that he’d truly tested that theory given that Max was the only one that had been allowed that close to his head and hair. “I know you do.. I’m just scared.. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to realize you don’t want to put up with this bullshit and leave me in the hole I’ve dug for myself.”  

, 

With a soft nod, Max at least understood. He hadn’t been the most supportive through this either. Though he was careful...he didn’t want to teeter the line between supportive and enabling. “No you’re right. Those things do evolve to that later. But I’m not... I mean... I’m not your mom, Iz.” He cringed a little. “Some things...some people are worth fighting for. Even if it’s hard and stressful. It’s what family is supposed to do- help eachother. Throw a rope down into the metaphorical hole that we find ourselves in.” 

While the water tasted a bit stale in his mouth, Isak felt a rush of relief knowing he had managed to go a full afternoon without replacing it with beer or something stronger. His body was not happy with him though. His head was pounding, sweat was gathering like a sheen on his arms, back and chest and his stomach was twisting uncomfortably, making him feel very, very off. Yet he knew it was the response he would get. Withstanding was the real test, one he was used to loosing because fighting it was so damn painful and hard. It took a lot of determination he usually couldn’t locate within himself. 

But he had to make some sort of change. If he wanted this relationship to last, not to mention if he didn’t want to hurt Max any more than he was sure he already had. He had been aware of the fact that the other was not doing well, even if they both had the tendency to distance themselves when life got tough. He’d rather avoid than fight and the fact that Max was the same might not play in their favor. Still, he was the one who had been making selfish decisions. So he had to be the one to break the cycle. 

What’s going on? Well that was definitely a question which there were a lot of answers to. “Look I have a lot to apologize for. I don’t want to loose you because I can’t be the version of me that you deserve. And I get that things have to change if we’re gonna be a ‘we’ any time soon. Cause I have no idea where we stand and what we are at the moment, but I know thats all on me.” Somehow he managed to keep eye contact the entire time, even as he felt the mix of shame and guilt knot in his stomach. 

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Max watched, sighing softly. The waves of discomfort spread throughout the room. “Didn’t think we stopped being a we on my end.” He hummed, sipping his coffee and watching the other for a few seconds before sighing. “I can be frustrated with your addiction and still love you Izzy.” He took a sip again, before putting the cup down and moving away from the counter. He would snag the man’s hand on the way by, pulling him to their couch. “C’mere, you look like you’re going to fall over.” 

Max settled, patting his lap with a hum. “Free head massages, today only. Only the head above the waist.” It was matched with a smirk. He so badly wanted to fall into what they used to be. To just pretend that nothing was wrong and be his happy and lovey self.. “I want to love all versions of you, for the record. It’s just...hard for me to love that version of you.” 

Only you / Max&Isak

It was always miserable, waking up alone. But waking up alone, not only with a headache, but retching so hard down the toilet boil he thoughts his guts would come out, feeling weak and entirely gutted, was the most miserable Isak had been in a long while. He had ended up lying for hours on the bathroom floor, contemplating what the hell he was doing and how on earth he was supposed to turn this around. Because it was painfully clear that if he kept this up.. well he wouldn’t live for long. And that made him ponder if he was willing to sacrifice everything else, for something as pointless as drugs. 

By the time he heard the door being unlocked and Max coming home, Isak had done some serious soul searching while sticking to water and PB and J sandwiches. Being fully sober for more than an hour for the first time in over a month was a challenge, but the clarity sobriety brought made the fight worth fighting. 

“Can we talk?” he asked once his better half.. the love of his life, the only guy he wanted, walked into the kitchen. “I’m sober. I swear.” Considering that he should swear on something that really mattered, Isak took a deep breath. “I swear on your life. Cause if you don’t already know, I love you and you really are all that matters to me Max.” 

@maxwell–carter​

,

There was a bliss that came with work. He knew the routine, he knew what typcially came next. He learned the few auditory cues that meant charlie was coming around the corner and to stay out of her way. Work was one of his favorite places anymore. It offered a sense of safety that other’s now lacked. 

The past few weeks, Max was just...existing. He’d stay away from Isak when he was high, but always at just enough distance that if something happened he was there. But he had grown accustomed to leaving and the other not waking, and to doing a little bit more on his own. Coming home, always with a few snacks in hand in hopes that they’d do some good, was always met with anxiety. Part of him was always worried about what he was walking into . 

There was movement in the apartment, which offered safety in itself. He’s awake and okay. Max moved throughout the apartment, changing before returning to the kitchen to snag a cup of coffee. Listening, there was a part of his brain that had to consciously bite back the snide remarks the other said. Max knew they weren’t helpful, and stemming from his own exhaustion. 

Taking the coffee from the maker, Max turned, leaning against the counter as he sipped the hot drink. “I love you too. Always will.” He hummed. “What’s going on?” 

Octavia didn’t know what much she could do for him, considering he didn’t want to talk about it and she was really terrible at distractions. Yet Max was her best friend, and she would do whatever necessary to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone in this world, and that somehow, this whatever it was he was going trough with Isak, would be okay. 

Gently stroking some of his curls out of his face, making sure that he didn’t feel hot to the touch, she nodded. “Whatever you want. I’m sure he would understand though, if you didn’t come back for dinner.” She said, wondering just how good a solution that was considering everything. Her hand closed firmly around his, leading him with her inside. “You won’t. Trust me, Cy will understand.” 

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“No I promised.” Max mumbled, walking close to the other. “He’ll do something stupid if I don’t come home, I can’t...handle that.” He’d wind up talking more naturally. 

Max was quick to flop down o n the bed, sighing and rubbing his eyes. “I-I thought we were doing better. He told me he was doing better.” 

“ You’re really going to put that out therein the universe?” Quinn teased, as he raised a brow again to the other male. He was not the kind of person in believing in jinxes but he was the type to make a joke about such a thing. He wasn’t comfortable with many people, but there was a familiar and protective quality Quinn felt for Max. 

At the mention of the situation Max with going through with Isak, Quinn let out a sigh. It was not  a good situation by any means and he could tell it was affecting him. “ Does he want help? “ Quinn asked genuinely concerned for both of them. He was willing to help but he needed to know they needed it\

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“Of course he doesn’t want help.” Max mumbled, sighing now. “He thinks he can wean himself off, which...isn’t working. I flushed his stash- he was pissed.” The human huffed. “He lied to me- he’s just...I don’t know what to do.”