Stargazing | Max Verstappen x Reader
Pairing : Max Verstappen x gn!reader
Warning : car crash, physical disability, sadness af, self-sabotage, depression, idiots in love, emotionally unavailable.
Context : Reader was a former race driver. They were Max's teammate. During one race, they had a pretty bad crash that left them badly injured. They choose to flee. After months of disappearance, they were found by the one they would like not to.
PS : English isn’t my mother tongue so please be kind with the mistakes I might have made.
One I could have avoided if i weren’t too stubborn.
Only if I hadn’t tried to overtake my own teammate. Hear me when I say I was faster than him. I was going to succeed in my attempt to overtake him. He is not at fault.
Too fucking tight. His front wheel against mine. I spun and hit the wall.
I was too fast. Everything was too fast. I barely could remember what happened during that moment and even after. A total blackout. My therapist says I am traumatized. I think she is right. I really thought I was going to die at that very moment when my car hit the concrete.
That was a hell of a career ending mistake.
I am pissed at myself. I am pissed at everyone.
It has been months by now and I couldn’t get over it. Pretty funny, innit ?
I could have won, for once. I am not a bad driver, don’t ever try to think that. I have a huge ego. Just like all the race drivers here. But the world has only eyes for him. I always agree with them. Maybe even more now that I stayed at home.
One of my legs got badly hurt. I still don’t know how that happened but the doctors said I might have moved during the crash and my right leg had taken most of the collision’s power. Sometimes it works correctly and sometimes it hurts so much that I can’t even do much without my brace. It made me feel so bad. Everyone pity me and I hate it so much.
Because I do hold grudges for everything and nothing, I just quit my home place. The formula one’s world wasn’t for me anymore. I left everyone behind, especially my former teammate, Max. I haven’t heard from him for almost a year. We were pretty close. Bickering all day long. but close.
Well… To be honest, I might have left my social media and changed my phone number. I also moved abroad so none of the race drivers would have found me. No one knows where I am. I grew my hair and my beard. I look like a cheap version of Aaron Taylor-Johnson. One that's in the doldrums. One that’s a shadow of its former self.
So I needed time away for glitz and glamour and I took it.
At first, it felt so good. My days were filled with medical appointments with different doctors. I met several times with my team principal but nothing, nothing made me change my mind. Horner tried everything for the first couple of weeks. He even sent Max to do the job. He almost won. Who am I if not weak for those pretty ocean eyes ? That was the very moment I decided to quit. Awful, you can say that but it was overwhelming to a point I couldn’t bear it.
I barely kept track of reality. There were so many things happening. So many feelings drowning me. And their eyes all filled with pity and regret. I couldn’t stand being seen like that. It was so difficult to believe the doctors when they said I might never get the chance to walk normally again.
I cried for so many days that I couldn’t remember when I really stopped. My phone rang a lot at that time. I couldn’t face all their names. My family, my friends, my team, all the pilots… Too much, too much. I needed air to breathe. I needed space to expand my pain and my desillusions. I needed emptiness to scream my remorse. I hated myself for what I had done. I hated my body for not recovering the way it should. I hated that goddamn world.
I choose to live in a country where no one would find me. The kind of places no one knows about. The one that makes your guts feel at home. Close to my former home. My family knows where I am. My closest friends too. It is too dangerous. I trust them but what if they slip and tell my former drivers friends ?
Although I feel guilty most of the time for my choices, it was an urgent matter to flee. For my own health and sanity, I had no other choice. I truly wish things went differently. I deeply miss everyone, especially Max. We could have become closer and stronger as a team. Only if we had more time and if I was clever than that. Despite him, I miss laughing with Lando and George. Everyone had their own way to deal with things and that was what I loved the most there. I was pretty harsh and impulsive back in the days. As determined as Max was, I would have done anything to be first. And look where it sends me ?
The night was pretty harsh to me. I keep having insomnias and nightmares. Always reviving the crash. The same old one. My therapist always says it is time to face my past but I can’t help it. I am not that brave anymore. I am now a regular guy who’s living like everyone else. No fame. No expensive life. I have a small flat in a small town in a peaceful countryside. The sea is close to my place. It soothes my mind. I walk a lot on the sand. It feels relaxing. My mind is finally at peace there. When I can’t walk, I read. His face came into my mind a lot and books made me escape my new reality. So I do read a lot these days. My book shelves are about to explode. I might need to buy one more…
I am late for my job. After months, I finally found a new purpose three months ago. I work as a tour guide. I explain historical stuff and make people laugh. It feels right. It feels good. I am no more alone at home. I feel alive again. Whenever my mind isn’t a threat to my own sanity. It is really hard but I try my best.
The museum I work in is quite small but there are a lot of things to explain during each tour. At last my mind is occupied for over an hour. It is so interesting. At first I doubted a lot but I guess I finally played along.
Now, I do love my job. Nothing compared to formula one. There is no noise of cars, no screams from fans, no strong smells of rubber. Nothing but peace.
The smile on my face keeps expanding as I enter the museum. I greet my colleagues. I forgot all my problems and my leg is working correctly this time.
The hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you and me.
It has to stop or I won't make it. The day will be so long, so painful and I cannot stand it.
I have to deal with my choice, no matter what.
My phone vibrates but I don’t look at it as people are entering the museum. I greet them with a wide smile plastered on my face. They look at our posters and the products we sell. They ask a few questions like every customer does.
But everything has an ending.
Aren’t you Y/N ? You know that missing pilot ?
My colleagues look at each other. Maybe they watch my reaction carefully. The silence surrounds us and I can’t find anything to say.
Ellen, the one that works here for the longest speaks but I barely register what she really said. I shook my head, trying to recollect myself. For a whole year, I have never thought that moment would happen. I was terribly delusional. My chest hurts.
The customers stayed in the museum for a few minutes. The incident is already closed for them. I fear that they will speak later that day. When I won’t be in their sight. When emotions will make them write about meeting me. I can understand. I’ve been MIA for months now and everyone living here hasn’t said a thing. I know for sure as I have read all the theories about my new life. Some hurt more than some feel right, a bit funny. I have read everything the other drivers might have said. I was kinda addicted to pain. It was the only thing my chest would feel and it is still relevant.
Few weeks have passed. I have read nothing. Well, Ellen and Marcia did their best to avoid this topic. My therapist helped me to find hobbies to occupy my mind and to protect my wellbeing. I won’t lie, it is really hard because I want to know. I want to see if one of them will find me. If he will find me. This is absurd. I left them but the hope of them coming back before I could lingers on my mind.
My chest hurts so much again and I am facing the sea with a book in both hands. It is sunset. The night will fall soon enough. Stars start to appear in the sky. The moon is almost invisible there.
Oh funny, just how I feel most of the time now that I don’t shine anymore.
The wind is quite cold as we are in mid-spring. Sand is covering my shoes. I don’t want to move back to my home where it feels empty and sad. I am about to start crying. I can’t get a hold on it anymore. My therapist says I should let it go. That I will feel better. She Is obviously right but I struggle to get past what I've been raised as. A future world champion. A machine that doesn’t feel anything. Yeah, Fate has a pretty bitter humour.
— I have never hated you, you know ?
I really wish you would hate me.
That wasn't my thoughts. Was it really him or am I hallucinating ?
I don't want it to happen. I am not even ready.
Panic overflows my whole body. My eyes have widened. My heart raced ironically. My respiration stopped without me noticing. I swallow pain. I took all the strength left inside my body and turned towards the voice.
He looks the same. Untouchable and determined. A fierce and sharp look resting on his face. There was a hint of sadness in the back of his blue eyes. I feel bad. This was not what I expected.
My mouth opened. The words stay stuck in my throat. I am losing all. Max says nothing as if he was waiting for me to make a move. Honestly I don't think I am able to do that. My mind stops working. He must hate seeing this atrocious version of myself I've become.
His voice is firm and soft. Just as he always was back when I was racing. I got a few DFN and Max was always there to make sure I got confident enough to race back almost at his pace. I was never able to be at his race pace. He is Max and no one can be as fast as he is. I was never too far behind him. Always fight with George, Charles and Lewis. Most of the time top 5. The car does a lot but the pilot does too. I loved having a good fight with these guys.
Damn, now I miss it so much.
Max must have understood what was going on in my mind as he had finally moved towards me.
Only the waves breaking on the shore can be heard. None of us speak. I want to cry so bad. Feeling Max this close to me is awful. Pain, just pain. Everywhere.
His fingers find my chin. He is so close. I can smell his cologne. The same old one. Typical of him. The one that feels home. Yeah, home. My body's at peace for a short moment but I'll print it in my mind before it vanishes.
— Y/N, please look at me…
I don't move and I don't need to because his fingers lift my chin up. I can't bear locking my eyes into him. Anxiety rises but I fell for those ocean eyes.
There is just him. Stupid Max Verstappen. The sounds of peaceful waves. And my wrecked ass who had fallen for him a longtime ago. That was one of the main reasons I fled. I loved racing against him. It made me feel seen by him as more than a teammate. The bond we had was everything but deepened by our positions on the line.
I'm a fucked up mess, feeling angry and depressed
I make bad decisions, I make bad decisions…
His thumb finds my cheek. It is really soft. We had some moments like that back in the days. My eyes finally meet his. I see now an ocean of turmoil. I swallow with difficulty again. It hurts. Everything hurts. I fight against my weak leg. I forgot it for too long. I pull a face. I am really bad at masking now.
Everything's a nightmare. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to see that part of my new life. It is already so hard to adjust.
— Do not overthink my venue. Your mom told me a few times after you left. And… and I thought you needed time. But days passed, weeks passed and I didn't find the courage to come to you. I left you all alone when you needed it the most. I am so sorry.
I let him speak. Nothing he said makes sense at all. How could my mom not tell me ? How could he not come ? How could he have stayed silent ? How could I not hate him for respecting my wishes ?
— I have read people speculating about your new life here and I took the chance to finally come to you. I miss you, Y/N. Nothing is that easy. I choose the easy path. You choose it too. I don't blame you so don't put the blame on you. I am begging you, Y/N.
It is so hard to believe a thing he said. I feel much more lonely than before. I prefer the version where he doesn't care than this one. I want the version where everyone stays silent and does not lie to me back. I know they were protecting me but the pain keeps growing.
Tears are drowning my eyes. My leg is about to give way. Everything is worse than I have ever imagined. Max might have seen it. The sadness on his face is the worst. Hints of guilt are lingering on his eyes. I don't want to feel bad for him. He chose to leave me alone.
But you pushed away everyone too.
— That is too easy to say Max. You have no idea what I've been through this whole year. Don't lecture me. I don't need that. Please. I don't.
My voice was steady at first but at the end of my complaint it went weak. I hate it so much. I feel so vulnerable and I hate it.
I hate everything right now.
He says this with a heartbreak in his voice. My right leg gives out. My left leg follows. Pathetic as the way he catches me. Both my hands are over his shoulders as I try to stay steady but I obviously fail. The pain grows towards my spine. Worst than ever.
Tears are running all over my face. I can barely breathe. One of Max's arms goes around my waist. I hate how my body loves it. I hate how it feels right. It is not the moment nor the place.
— We… I will bring you home.
He stops what was in his mind at first. I have always loved the « we » that was created behind glitz and glamour. Not anymore.
I can't remember how he carried me on his back to where his car was parked. I didn't take mine as I lived ten minutes by walking from here. Enough for my legs to get fully muscled. I should have taken better care of myself. Everything's terribly random so I can't keep track.
I am like a marionette laying on his back. My head is resting on his shoulder blades. His cologne is soothing my panic attack. I want to remember it forever. I almost fell asleep. I can't remember the last time I slept so well.
Max's voice feels so distant. I have no strength to respond. My eyes are shut. My breath is relaxed. For the first time in years, I feel unwind.
A smile might have painted his face because I can hear it even from where I am landing. Morpheus finally welcomes me into his realm.
I only woke up the next morning. At first, I touched everything to be sure of where I was. My sheets. I can recognise the smell of it. I exhale deeply. How did I end up here ? Does Max …
No, I don't want to know if he has left. I am pretty sure he has. My heart tightens and my chest hurts. Nothing holds him here. I have to be realistic. A sour mood is taking me to very well known lands.
My leg still hurts when I try to move. Whatta good day. I am already that bitter.
Without moving that much, I try to find my brace. I don't even know where I have put it. I hiss as the pain rises. I will have to move despite that.
The door opens and I feel taken aback. Why is he still here ? Why can’t he do as the script in mind wrote ? Despite my sour mood, I really feel happy to see him. For once I am not alone in this. Even if I want to prove that I am not a burden due to my disability. I will push my body to foreign lands where I can get hurt worse. It is stupid but I can't help it. Most of the time I say nothing about the pain. Most of the time no one can see a thing but it never worked with Max. He can read through me. It feels good and bad at the same time. I cannot hide anything from him.
— Are you still in pain ? Are you trying to get up ? Do you need anything ?
I stayed silent for a few seconds. It felt forever. I can see it on the Dutch's face.
— Yeah… My brace, I don't know where I put it…
It is really hard to finally give in. It is really hard to be vulnerable in front of loved ones. He might not judge me but things would still poison my mind. It is that I fight the most. It is that my therapist is trying to help me deal with it.
Max looks everywhere in my room for me. I am really thankful and at the same time, I feel guilty because I can’t do it on my own.
After a few times, he started to search in my living room and my bathroom. I only got these rooms. I wasn’t able to buy a bigger flat in case I got hurt. My mom's advice and I didn’t get the heart to be preoccupied by a big house. Small is good. I feel like I'm in a cocoon. It’s safer. The only thing I needed and still need.
Max finally came back with my brace. I immediately sit on the edge of my bed. I move my right leg with my hand to prevent it from hurting. I thank Max and take the brace from him. I put it on my leg. He stays silent but close to me. He almost dropped a knee.
His eyes were so soft as if the whole scene was about to break. Mine were so tired.
Both of us feel like walking on eggshells. There were so many things to say and a few times ahead of us. None of us know how to start and I might not want that to happen.
My world is shattering again.
Max is entering it again. It feels right. It feels wrong. And I can’t help it.
I blink twice or maybe even more. I nod and try to get up which was difficult for a few seconds. Max takes my hand in his and he holds me steady.
I follow him to the living room. This is a spacious room, open onto the kitchen. The bright sun rays enter through the windows. It feels warm. No more loneliness. Living is easier on this weird morning.
I walk to the dining table. Silence reigns. None of us dares to speak, not wanting to break this peaceful moment. His simple presence makes me wonder about the things I've left behind. Past guilt and present relief. He makes everything easier to deal with. How does he still not hate me ? I still can’t believe it. I still can get past that. No sense is making in my mind and I feel stuck on that thought. An endless circle. A poisoning prison.
— You think too much, Y/N.
His voice is still so soft. Too soft for my heart to bear it. Too soft for my mind to realise what’s going on. It feels like a living dream. I might wake up later that day and realise that I’ve imagined everything. I don’t want my heart to break. Not again.
— This is what I’ve become, Max.
My own voice is painful. Almost a whisper, wishing no one will hear it but that is trusting reality enough. My brain is constantly lying to me. How could I be sure of things before me ? Another huge point that I am working with my therapist. Yeah, got a lot to work on. I might stay her patient for a decade or more.
— Doesn’t mean you’ll stay that way forever.
I sneer, my head down to the plate he gave me seconds ago - How lovely of him. Same old Max. I never was more than fourth in the world championship and here he is saying this. That might be true. That might be false. I am in no state of mind to agree or disagree. I don’t fully understand.
Without knowing it, tears are running down my face. My new job is far away from my mind. Maybe I have to work today. Maybe I don’t. I can’t help but let the pressure escape my whole body. It shivers.
— I am so sorry you had to fight this on your own.
— You kept apologizing since yesterday.
I sneer again and so does Max. An unbelievable laugh but it seems to be a true one.
— True. But someone has to.
The determination in his eyes makes my body shiver in a way it has forgotten. My cheeks heat, turning in a pinkish color. This warmth, I forgot how it feels. Strangely before I left, he was the only one able to make me feel positive emotions. Guess that friendship has always been super strong for some reasons. But truth to be told, I have never wanted that. Even if I have ever wanted more, this is the only thing I can get and I get by.
The silence extends. None of us dares to speak and I slowly eat my breakfast, specially made by Max. I will need to find a way to repay him for that. Only if I meet him again…
— I am about to leave, Y/N. Will we meet again ?
— Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe, Max, maybe we will…
After that we finished eating. He helped me do the dishes. One last look, as our so many stolen glances, Max left.
Heavy hearts, broken silences, disturbed souls.
All left alone in that goddamned world.
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