Master of Disaster

I’ve got a bad habit with bad habits

I’m a recovering drug addict

I do good

Then relapse

And then I collapse

It’s a struggle within my brain

I can’t seem to control it

Life’s moving so fast

And I don’t know how to slow it

I’ve been around for some years

And I got a lot to show for it

But none of it would’ve appeared

Had my momma not died

So can I really claim these accomplishments?

I feel like I haven’t accomplished shit

I always end up back where I started

Am I going insane?

Or am I just retarded?

Cause I’m always doing stupid shit

Shit that doesn’t make sense

Like, why would I abuse myself?

My mental and physical health

Is suffering because of my decisions

Because of my addictions

I try to go straight,

But end up back in the mix

Mixing ingredients,

They serve my drink

I drink and drink and drink

I’m lead on by temptations

Feeling the sensations

I just want to feel good

But in the end

I only hate it

I want to be normal

Go back to being sober

It’s hard when my friends

Always want me to go over

They don’t see that I’m struggling

Knees weak, almost buckling

I always keep a straight face

So they can’t see that I’m hurting

I just wish that I could live

Without all of these burdens

That’s the daily struggle

Get up and go hustle

This time for sure

This time for real

I will strive to be the best

I will dive into the depths

I will work hard

And end up on top of Everest

Forget the rest

They don’t know me

Even if they my homies

Cause if they was my homies

They’d listen and be there for me

I’m a grown man,

And I take full accountability

But at the same time

My surroundings are what is

Killing me

I need to step back

And readjust

I need to step back

And keep it

Just us

That’s me, myself and I

Cause that’s all that’s going to be there

The thought of death sounds so appealing.

Not self-inflicted.

That’s the cowards way out.

But to bear the pressure of maintaining a life amongst the chaos.

Battling addiction.

Suffering from recollections of traumatic experiences.

Am I meant to be here?

Am I worthy enough to wear the skin that others seem to appeal to?

Is it that my looks correspond with societal standards?

Or is it that my mind seems to correspond well with the Corruption that ruptures the mind of others who have been dealt the same damage?

I am but selfless.

I am but honorable.

I am but courageous.

Will my attempt at redeeming my self-worth be but a waste of time and effort?

Would my resignation of such an attempt deem me worthy of the breath that I cling to during moments of sheer panic?

Am I worthy of life?

I do more harm than I do good.

My mother never heard my love.

My father doesn’t see my courage.

My brother.. I fear his depiction.

I have lost touch with my self.

I chase my self.

I do not want to be.

Self-destruction is around the corner.

I must act now to preserve whatever dignity I have left.

What shitty excuse of a human I am.

The chambers that have yet to be unlocked.

The fear that collides with my ambition.

A never-ending battle that seems to be reaching its climax.

Is this to be the rise or fall of an empire?

32.5% of my life expectancy spent wandering blindly.

Death sounds so appealing.

What does the future hold?

Sometimes I wonder what it is that gets me up at 6:30am every morning. 

Is it so that I can go work my two jobs and endure a moderate amount of stress to gain a paycheck that I hope will allow me to satisfy my wants and needs during the little bit of free time that I have throughout my week? 

Is it so that I can feel like I’m being productive with my time and not just withering away during my time here? 

What is it? 

And why do we always feel the need to seek approval from others? 

Is it the current societal structure that has brainwashed us into thinking that if we don’t have the latest electronic gadgets, or the newest model car, or the house on top of that nice hill that we are to be considered obsolete? 

What on Earth has happened to just traditional core values? 

Why must we seek to be Top Dog? 

These Hollywood inspired lifestyles have caused a disruption to normal everyday lives.

You watch a movie and it’s jam-packed with all of this materialism and a crazy way of life, but they always cut out the ordinary parts of these characters’ lives. The parts where nothing interesting happens. The parts where they are just ordinary humans, living an ordinary life but are providing for themselves by means of an unusual way, such as drug dealers, or hitmen.

I wish that people would just look past the bullshit and understand there is so much more to life than what your phone or TV has to offer. 

Sometimes I feel that Life has me in a choke hold trying to get me to conform to the ways of the modern world so that I can drop this feeling of discontent but my Pride won't let me tap out and accept this way of life.

I often find myself in situations where I'm enjoying what the modern world has to offer but somewhere, in the back of my head, is this scornful voice that tells me to "stop that" and then I get back in this bitter mood.

Sometimes I just want to drop everything that I've ever seen or heard or believed in to start forming a new ideology, a new way of living, a new set of standards so I can explore different areas of my mind and the world and everything in between.

Why can't I do that?

The process starts but dies quickly.

The Art of Contemplation: Late Night Thoughts

Sleep is not supposed to indicate the end of our day; sleep is a brief intermission utilized to recharge, or give rest to, our mind and our body so that we can continue to move forward when we wake up. Our societal structure has set a sleeping pattern that would maximize output during daylight hours for many valid reasons; but there are those whose, based on a variety of circumstances, sleeping patterns fall within "daylight hours," which means they go to sleep and wake up in the same day. An example would be those who work graveyard shifts; They go in during the evening, get out in the morning, and, at some point, go to sleep throughout the afternoon or day.

It's hard on the mind when we think of sleep as an end to the day because when it's time to wake up, deep down, none of us wish to "start a new day." If we switch the thought, when talking about sleep, from "ending the day" to "taking a brief intermission," I believe that it would allow for a more positive, self-motivated outcome when we wake up.

We must understand that life is an ongoing process that never stops; Time keeps moving forward; Our bodies continue to get older; The present becomes the past while the future takes its place. We must learn to utilize all resources that are given to us in order to become a better person each and every day.

Sleep is one we should not take for granted.

Yours truly,

It's wise to listen when they say to enjoy your time while you are young because you never know what the future will bring you; but never let your future out of sight because if you walk blindly, you may end up where you said you'd never be.