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SO... I drew Oli <3

who knows

agree 100%

This is an open letter.

Excuse my lack of writting skills.

Dear whoever you are,

I’m not trying to preach, influence or change your point of view. I just need to get this out of my chest. So let me try to organize my thoughts.

It all started in 2010 when I first came across Bring Me The Horizon. One of my best friends sent me Pray For Plagues and I thought that was Hell’s soundtrack. But in the very next year I made friends with a girl and she made me a playlist and there it was; Fuck. I didn’t like it at first but I said you know what? I’m gonna like this band, so I went and started watching their videos, their live performance on radio of It Never Ends got me, I started liking them. I downloaded all their albums and for the next months it was all I’d listen to. I started singing along and going around the internet to learn about them. It didn’t take long until I knew so much abou them that I felt like yeah, they might be my favourite band. Their lyrics described perfectly things that I felt and thought no one in the world understood, I felt like I finally found someone to understand and to share those feelings. But as soon as they became my favourite band, it became my obsession, I felt like they were all I had. I started researching their lives, people they hanged out with, etc. At that time (by the end of 2011) I wanted to be with them so much that I started obsessing over Oli’s girlfriend (no names). She was a model so she had that real tall skinny body and angelic face and I wanted to be like her, otherwise Oli wouldn’t like me, BMTH wouldn’t like me. My anorexia came back, it got worse than ever. I stopped eating until the point my organs started failing. Next year I went to London and I obviously went to Drop Dead. Fortunatelly, when I did, Oli’s girlfriend was in store and we took a photo together, I told her she was my biggest inspiration blah blah. But soon they would break up. Oli started getting worse in his addiction and we could clearly see it in his face, he was skinny and didn’t smile anymore. BTMH were slowly disappearing. Then they had a hiatus year and then new album stuff. (I already had all their albums < this is important for later) By the end of 2012, Oli had a new girlfriend, they were recording a new album and there was a new dude on the scene: Jordan Fish. We didn’t know what was going on, if he was just a collab, if he would be an official member or else. But he was cool. At least I thought so. By that time, most people didn’t like him, I remember. Some of them left and I guess I should’ve done the same. Then he became an official member and Jona (previous guitarist) left the band and wrote us a text on why he did so, now that post doesn’t exist anymore but he said he had disagreements with other members and sadly he preferred to leave. Ok. I was sad, I really liked him, he was the reason why I became veggie, he treated fans well and he was a good musician. I assumed the disagreements he mentioned were with Oli, maybe they had different views on the path the band was following in their new album. But we had a new guy on the scene and I wanted to give him a chance. The new album (Sempiternal) got leaked and everyone went insane, their “new sound” was incredible. In a blink of an eye they went #1 in charts, got so many new followers, fans, recognition. Their album was everywhere. And I was so f**king proud, proud of them, proud to consider myself part of this. In april of 2013 I started a BMTH facebook page/fansite thing and now my page has over 16k likes, and in the best days, my site has over 150 online people at the same time. I was dedicating my entire free time to them. And again, their new lyrics had me like “I’m not alone in this”. And I started questioning it. Why won’t it make me wanna change? Why their songs get me stuck in the same dark place? (see post from 2014). I decided to take a break. But as soon as I stopped listening to them, nothing changed and I went back. They were my favourite band again. Now I loved them all again, Jordan too. I started sending them tweets and stuff and some times they would reply me. Most of it were jokes and funny things and one time I sent Jordan “why don’t you grow your hair, wear all black and join the 1975?” it was clearly a joke because The 1975 was everywhere. He then tweeted me back, something around “why don’t you shave your head and fight for your country?” I said “I don’t want to, sorry if I offended you, it was a joke” and he replied something I don’t remember but it was a bit rude again. (I deleted all of it and so did he) I had an anxiety attack over this because I thought I fucked things up with him and now he hated me, but over time, it got away and everything went back to being the way it was before. Time passed and let’s fast forward to last month. July 31st of 2015. I was looking at Jordan’s instagram account and I sent him a tweet “I love how real you are. I’m glad you joined my favourite band and... thank you. I can’t wait to 9/11 (lol?)” he didn’t reply me, but he followed me. And at first I thought it was a mistake, that maybe he was going to favorite the tweet and hit the follow button by accident, but then I was really happy. He only follows around 430 people and I was one of them. Ok. Fast forward to last friday, August 21st. I drew him, I spend 3 hours drawing them: Bailey and Emma. I sent him and Emma, they both thanked me and I was happy and that was it. Then a couple of hours later, Jordan sent me a tweet: “can I keep it please?” (see the actual live convo here) and I was so happy, I sent him the high res version of my drawing and he said he was going to print it! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? One of my idols printing my-fucking-drawing. I went nuts. Next day morning, Emma (his wife) followed me and DMd me asking for the drawing as well. I was so happy because in the very next day it’d be my 21st birthday and that was the best gift I never asked for. She then posted it on instagram (live here) and I told everyone about it. I told my mom and she was so happy for me and I was finally happy since I don’t even know the last time I was actually happy.

Sunday (august 23rd) came along and it was my birthday. I sent them all (jordan included) a tweet saying “today is my 21st birthday, so thank you for being part of who am I”; No replies. Ok. True Friends got leaked and someone asked for the link, I sent them (please know that by this time I hadn’t listen to the song, the file wasn’t mine, I didn’t leak the song and that link was all over twitter). Jordan then sreenshotted my tweet to that girl and sent it to me on DM, followed by “blocked you” and then he blocked me. My reaction was to: delete that tweet and have a full on anxiety attack. Helena here couldn’t move, breathe or think for a good 30 minutes. I then sent Emma a DM saying that I was sorry, I had pre-ordered the album (which is true), I never post anything non-official and I was having an anxiety attack on my 21st birthday. She never responded me and that was it. I’m still blocked by Jordan. I was so upset because yes I KNOW it was wrong of me to post that BUT seriously? Do you see what happened here? I spend my entire life buying their shit, loving their work... I dedicate years of my life to them for FREE, never asked for anything back and he fucking blocks me on my birthday? Like that. The day after I fucking draw him for 3 fucking hours? Because someone WANTED TO LISTEN to their music? Isn’t this why musicians are musicians? So people can like their songs and eventually buy their work? Dude, you’re kinda off. I was blaming myself 120% for what happened, but then I got to the point where my anxiety got better and I could think straight: it was not the first time he was rude to me, I thought musicians liked when people liked their music, they posted the official song 5 minutes later and yes I had pre-ordered the album, so? He overreacted so hard and now he seems so greedy, so interested in power, fame and money that I was happy to remove them from my life. I don’t need no people like that. I cancelled the pre-order and put all my BMTH shit on a box.

All I can think of now is: He maybe would’ve got a few cents more if that link was the official song, yes, but instead he chose to punish me and lost a fan. I like bands such as The Maine who are - right now - touring for free, for their fans who can’t afford to go on their regular concerts. That’s what I’m talking about. People who make me wanna be better than myself, not than others.

I’m glad Jordan blocked me, it was a punch in my 21 year-old face and I decided after sunday I would be a different person, a better one.

I’m struggling to get there, wherever it is, but I can assure you one thing: I’m closer than I was.

I know my path through major depression, sereve anxiety and eating disorder will be tough, but I will fucking get there, and BMTH is not the reason why.

I don’t wish any of them anything bad, quite the opposite, I wish they get what they want, their fucking world domination, all the love and money they want, but it just won’t come from me.