The bond between Dominant and submissive creates a sense of loyalty and devotion that can overshadow everything else in life if we are not careful. It is not uncommon for both Dominants and submissives to display an attachment and devotion that can border on neediness. This connection is often precisely what we seek, but no relationship between any two people is an island, even a rock solid D/s one. Every one of us who comes into a D/s or M/s relationship brings with us a lifetime of connections to the vanilla world, and these connections are vital, important, and should be maintained and cultivated.
The problem arises for us in D/s when competing pressures and demands from the vanilla world creep in and cause seemingly conflicting priorities. Here a clear set of guiding principles between Dominant and submissive is crucial to the health and well being of the relationship and the individuals within it. A set of priorities should be established and communicated early on before conflicts arise so that all know how to behave and what to do if and when life pressures intrude.
As much as we as Dominants and submissives want to immerse ourselves in one another and our bond, there are times when that should or must take a back seat to other life priorities. The difficulty is that the intense sense of devotion, structure, and desire to please on the part of a submissive, or the dedication, control and desire to protect on the part of a Dominant can leave the partners feeling torn between what they want to do and what they should do. Both will feel they are abandoning or letting their D/s partner down if they have to pull away and attend to other life matters.
It is important in my view to establish clear guidelines for priorities in our D/s and particularly M/s relationships that we can fall back on and live by in times of conflict or stress. I for one have always held that my D/s relationship falls within the following priorities in order or importance:
** Spirituality/Health/Personal Welfare
** Recreation/Socialization
The order of these priorities can certainly be debated and changed to suit individuals and their relationships but it lays out an important set of principles and gives guidance to fall back on when the chips are down. In my opinion, care for one’s children or addressing a family emergency must always take precedence over the priorities of D/s interaction or associated tasks. So too does the personal emotional, spiritual and physical health of either partner. Yet in the absence of this explicit understanding between Dominant and submissive, stressful life circumstances can become crushing weights when one or the other feels torn between their D/s and vanilla allegiances, duties, and desires.
The primary role of a Dominant is to lead, and part of that leadership is to establish a sense of order and structure for a submissive (and themselves) and consistently live by it. A cornerstone of that sense of order is a clear and understandable set of priorities. A submissive should never be left adrift not knowing what to do, when to do it, or how. Establishing these overarching life priorities and living by them is key to the health of the D/s relationship. And it is most important that the Dominant be consistent in their application and not send mixed signals. Telling a submissive that family and job are higher priorities, then making them feel guilty for having lived by those priorities, will leave the submissive feeling intuitively confused and conflicted. This is not acceptable.
I strongly urge anyone involved in or contemplating a D/s or M/s relationship to address this matter of life priorities and how, when, and in what order they should be attended to. Put it in writing. Include it in your protocol manual. You do have one don’t you? If not, you should. Make sure that your D/s relationship, the depth of its bond, and the strength that a submissive seeks and relies upon in their Dominant, is supportive of these priorities and not additive to the stress, conflict, and sense of torn allegiances already inherent in external life events.
Support one another selflessly in and out of your power exchange roles. Doing so will serve to strengthen the D/s bond still further.
Originally posted on April 22, 2013
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
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