i write to relive

I told him that if I want to go somewhere and he doesn't want to come, that's okay. He doesn't have to. To me, loving someone doesn't mean surrendering every part of yourself. It means choosing each other while still being your own person.

But he insists that every decision has to be agreed on by both of us. That there is no "I" or "me" once you're in a relationship. Only "we."

I keep thinking about that.

Because somehow, the rule only seems to apply when it comes to me. He has his own office in the house. His own space. His own time. His own interests. Things that belong entirely to him, without needing my permission or participation.

And maybe that's what confuses me the most.

If individuality truly disappears in a relationship, then why does he still get to have his own corner of the world?

I don't want distance. I don't want independence in the sense of living separate lives. I just want the freedom to remain a whole person while loving someone else. To be able to say, "I'm going here today," without it feeling like a betrayal. To have thoughts, hobbies, and experiences that are mine, and still come home to share them with him.

Love should make your world bigger, not smaller.

Sometimes I wonder if we're talking about commitment in two completely different languages. Because when he says there is no "I" in a relationship, what I hear is that parts of me are expected to disappear.

And I don't think love should require that. Individuality.

I'm writing this at 2:30 in the morning, when the house is finally quiet and the noise inside my head has room to speak. In these small hours, I can briefly recover the pieces of myself that seem to get lost throughout the day.

Because tomorrow, when the baby wakes up, it will look much like yesterday. The same routines. The same expectations. The same version of me that everyone needs.

Dahil nga family friend e nagpunta daw doon sila mama at papa gamit yung tricycle. Nakita ko daw sila sa bintana. Umiiyak kaming dalawa ni Lali. Sabi ko sa kanya "Nandyan sila Papa!"

Lumabas yung kidnapper para batiin sila. Hindi nya ni-lock yung kwarto kaya nakalabas kami. Yung main door ang naka-lock. Nasilip ko sya sa bintana at pabalik na sya. Nagkatamaan pa yung mga mata namin. Dun nya nalaman na nakalabas kami ng kwarto.

Napaatras ako habang nagpapanic sabi ko kay Lali "Le pabalik na sya, pabalik na sya!"

Dumapa ako sa gilid ng sofa at may nakita akong babasagin na bote ng Mountain Dew. Sinabi ko ulit "Le, pabalik na sya", expecting na idi-distract ni Lali etong kidnapper saka ko babasagin yung bote sa ulo nya.

Binuksan ng kidnapper yung pinto, umiiyak lang si Lali. Sa isip ko "Shit, okay ako na". Tinry ko syang sikmuraan pero nakaatras sya. Umatras din ako nang mabilis para hindi nya ako mahablot. Iniisip ko paano ko sya mahahampas ng bote.

Nagpahablot ako sa kaliwang braso at hinila nya ako papalapit. Saka ko hinampas hampas yung ulo nya pero hindi mabasag yung bote. Si Lali binuksan na yung pinto at tinatawag sila Mama at Papa pero hindi kami marinig.

Chinoke ko sya gamit yung natutunan ko sa Jiu Jitsu. Dahil di na sya makahinga, nilakad nya palabas habang sakal sakal ko sya, para makahingi ng tulong kila Papa. Ako din naman pasigaw na tinatawag na sila Papa pero hindi pa rin kami marinig kahit na malapit na kami.

Hanggang sa nakita na nga kami nila Papa pero sabi nya ay kaya ko na daw yon. Gusto ko na daw patayin yung kidnapper. Ang tibay ng Mountain Dew. Pinukpok ko sya sa ulo, sabi ko "Para sa pagkulong mo samin!"

Inambahan ko ulit sya pero naawa na daw ako. Nagyaya na sila Papa na umalis pero napansin ko wala pa si Lali. Sabi ni Mama ayaw nya daw sumama kasi nandito daw si Oreo. Sabi ko "Dahil lang dun?"

Pumasok ulit ako sa bahay at sinabihang dalhin na lang yung aso. Sumama sya at sumakay na kaming lahat sa tricycle.