Untitled

Backstory 

Your string of lights is still bright to me 

When Taylor Swift announced she was finally going to have a tour, I was really excited. I wasn't a fanatic, but I was so excited that I was finally going to see her. I became a huge fan during 1989 and listened to it wherever I could since it wasn’t freely available at the time. Reputation came out and I loved it, and Lover followed and I must have listened to Cruel Summer about 2,000 times annoying my college roommates. Folklore and Evermore spoke to my sadness and turned me towards escapism and romanticism. And Midnights was just amazing, as were her re-records. Her lyricism always spoke to me and for some reason it stayed timeless, unlike with other artists where the beat usually spoke to me or if the lyrics spoke to me, eventually the good lyricism faded and it was no longer fun to listen to anymore. But she had songs for every mood: falling in love, for unrequited love, for anger and resentment, for revenge, for the qualms of being a woman, for the pain felt in betrayal, for heartbreak, for grief, for having a fun time, for reminiscing - any emotion one could feel in the human condition, Taylor Swift had a song that took that sole emotion and told the story of it in three minutes, or ten if you’re lucky. My feeds were filled with her on them and I always heard about her where I went. When the tour tickets came, I got in line in class to get the code, and I didn’t get selected to get it. However, my friend Lilly who purchased clothes from her got the code and somehow was able to get nosebleed tickets around my birthday. Lilly gifted me the tickets she bought as my birthday gift and I was so grateful. Lilly and I both struggled with mental health and our severe eating disorders, so whenever we felt down, we both tried to remember how close the Taylor Swift concert was and held onto that, as did my providers trying to remind me when I felt sad that there was something to look forward to. 

The Concert

I said remember this feeling

Getting to the concert was a mission within itself, and both our anxiety levels were really high trying to navigate through lines of thousands of people. We also were both struggling to want to take photos of ourselves. But we kept saying that once Taylor Swift came on stage, everything would be okay. I would finally be able to hear Cruel Summer after listening to the song for four years. This was also my first concert as I grew up in a household that was Orthodox Muslim and banned music in the house unless it was in languages we couldn’t understand (which also made me never be able to follow my childhood dreams of being a singer, but that’s a story for another day). Lilly and I got food to eat and then we went to go find our seats through seas of people. We watched Gracie Abrams perform and then we said HAIM perform as well. Around 7:35 PM, a family came and said we were sitting in our seats. We asked the Levi’s employee where to go and he didn’t help us at all. He just kept mumbling random things about different sections making both of us confused and stressed because Taylor would be taking the stage soon. 

The Incident 

If you never touched me, I would’ve gone along with the righteous 

Then they would’ve, never whispered about this 

As we tried to get to our new seats, which I must say stadiums are awfully designed, we had to get between all the people and there’s no proper way to walk to your seat without getting in people’s faces. We walked face facing the people down a row and these two girls moved their legs to the side and I kept walking and said excuse me to a man to move and he said something like ‘of course’, stood up, and firmly grabbed my waist for absolutely no reason. There was no reason to assault my body or touch me without my consent. I couldn’t process what was happening as usually I am much more on guard when walking past men but I was in a new environment and didn’t expect it. I wriggled out of his grasp and said something along the lines of ‘Please don’t touch me’ but I doubt he heard because I was trying so fast to get away from him. We made our way up to our seats and once we sat down I turned to Lilly and said “Did you see that? He grabbed me.” Lilly replied “I did see that ew and I tried to stay away from him when crossing him”. HAIM continued to perform but I couldn’t think straight anymore. Lilly turned to me asked “Are you okay?” I didn’t look at her as I said “No” and stared into the distance. The HAIM sisters left and I had told Lilly much earlier that once Applause came on, the show would start soon. Soon, Applause came on and I just couldn’t think. I couldn’t think about the concert, I couldn’t think about anything, my anxiety started to rise and I couldn’t breathe properly. I took some of my Xanax but barely anything and it didn’t help. They rolled Taylor out in her cleaning cart and Lilly said “Look!! It’s Taylor. Oh my gosh can you see her get out?!?” And I stared blankly ahead. Applause ended and the clock for 2 minutes until the show started began and I told Lilly “I’ll be right back”. 

I made my way up the steps and I knew I would miss what I had been waiting for for months, and what others would never get a chance to see but I could barely breathe. I went to the railings facing away from the stadium and I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t say anything, and that I didn’t stop it after more than a year in Krav Maga specifically for a situation like that. Suddenly, I was 19 years old again being sexually harassed by a 28 year old personal trainer at SJSU, suddenly I was back in Feb of 2023 being sexually harassed by a safety cadette meant to give me rides at fucking SJSU AGAIN, suddenly my nervous system went into overdrive and I couldn’t think, I could just feel that man’s hands firmly on my waist. I started to cry minimally and I heard *BOOM BOOM* “IT’S FEARLESS”* aka the beginning of the show and as I tried my best to breathe while holding onto the railing, I watched the last of the concertgoers run to get to their seats. I saw a security guard in front of me but I realized he could see me and wasn’t going to do anything. 

I made my way down a flight of stairs and at this point my anxiety attack was getting worse and I wasn’t even sure where I was going or where I had made it. I was down a long gray hallway with nobody on it. I saw one worker walking way ahead of me with a popcorn bucket and I yelled “HEY!” He turned, “DO YOU WORK HERE”. He paused and waited for me, “DO YOU KNOW WHERE SECURITY IS?” I went up to him and he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was trying to get to my seat and a man had grabbed my waist and I started to cry uncontrollably. He told me to come with him, and said “Just keep taking deep breaths”. We made our way down some more and we reached security, he told the two women what had happened and one of them said “Oh no. Are you serious? Not here!” And she asked me if I was okay as I told her what happened while hyperventilating and crying and she took me to her boss, Alice. I had somehow made my way into the luxury suite (where the rich or lucky winners rented out suites to watch the show, had access to free food all night long, and access to private restrooms) and I followed the guard as we made our way to Alice. I kept crying and I got some looks from others as I walked by them with the guard and she asked me multiple times “Ma’am are you okay? Are you sure you’re okay?” while I nodded. We finally got to Alice and I explained what happened. Alice had a level of empathy that nobody else in that stadium had. She listened and told me something along the lines of “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry that this happened, this is ridiculous that men in 2023 think that they can touch women without their consent. And especially at a Taylor Swift concert? She doesn’t stand for any of that! Why are you here if you’re going to do that?” And her empathy meant so much as I continued to cry, she let me sit down and brought me some water as my hands began to shake. Alice felt so badly that I was missing the concert and wanted me to still see it. While we waited for Alice’s supervisor, she let me sit in seats that weren’t available and I saw Taylor Swift performing Lover. Alice sat near me but then two guys in front of us kept staring at me and I told Alice because I thought it was because I was still crying, and she said maybe it was because nobody was supposed to be sitting where we were but it would be great if they would mind their own business. So I went back inside while we waited for the supervisor. 

I stared out at Taylor Swift probably 100 feet from me who had gone through the exact same thing and the surrealism washed over me. I couldn’t believe that I was here crying with a bunch of Levi’s employees over something that had also happened to the woman performing 100 feet away from me and she would never even know that this was currently happening or happened at her own concert. It was so surreal and I thought of course this would happen to me. 

We finally got Alice’s supervisor who wasn’t very empathetic and said he had to call his supervisor who was in charge of that section and then they called the Santa Clara Police Department (SCPD) to come to where we were. Alice tried to find a place that was comfortable but we couldn’t so we ended up outside on a concrete slab next to a pole where I sat because they also called EMS (emergency medical services) and I met an EMS worker who introduced himself, but nothing mattered because I was crying uncontrollably and I was shaking like I was in the frigid cold, but I was not. The worker told me he was waiting for his boss Megan to come outside. Megan came outside and introduced herself to me and she told me that I was doing a great job and told me to continue to take deep breaths. Alice wanted us to go to the medical room above, but then everybody was worried the SCPD wouldn’t be able to find us. So I just sat there with Alice on one side and told her that the man would probably make up some bullshit excuse of “I was trying to help her” and she said she knew and she told her supervisor that’s the excuse he would give and she was sorry. She asked if it was my first Taylor Swift concert and I looked at her sadly and said it’s my first concert and she said “oh my gosh, I hope this doesn’t ruin your experience” but it did - I never wanted to go to a concert again. Two male SCPD officers came to the door, but Alice told them we requested a female police officer and they were waiting for her. One of them asked if I could tell them what happened and I asked them to ask Alice so I didn’t have to repeat it and he got my name and birthday for the 3rd time that hour. He seemed annoyed I wouldn’t just tell him what happened. Finally, two female SCPD officers and one more male SCPD came out and the women asked me what happened. These officers were some of the most cold people I could’ve met and at that point I wished I had just talked ot the men. I told them what happened, they asked me how many seconds it was, what way I was facing, things I couldn’t remember at that moment and then I showed them and they said “So there’s nothing we can do. It was filed as assault but for it to be sexual assault it needs to be around the breast or buttocks area for the purpose of sexual arousal and there’s nothing we can do. Is there anything else you need or want to be done?”. There wasn’t and I knew it was going to be that answer. 

The SCPD gathered in a corner away from us and Alice took me inside with Megan who was still with us. Alice tried to look for an empty suite so I could sit somewhere quietly but they had all been rented out for the evening so she took me to a table and had me sit down. 

The whole time, Lilly had been asking where I was and if I was okay and I said I needed a minute, and I felt so bad for Lilly. Lilly LOVED Taylor Swift probably more than me and knew all her early albums and had been waiting to see her for months - it was the one thing getting through her life. And I didn’t want her to miss it, I would’ve felt so guilty if she missed the one thing she flew all the way on a plane to see. However, at one point Alice asked if Lilly wanted to be a witness (when we weren’t sure what SCPD would do) so I told her where to come but she had no idea where I was as I don’t even know how I made it on the suite level and Alice went to find her. 

Around this time Alice wanted to move us to the place where the not suite area but like either you won the seats through the radio or you paid a ton of money for them. She brought out three chairs and asked if I wanted to go watch and went to go find Lilly. The security guard I hadn’t talked much to wanted to show me the seats but I asked her to wait because I needed my medication first. And everybody could see me, the anxiety was getting better but I looked odd sitting at a table with nobody but Megan the EMS head behind me. Megan asked me if I wanted to see the doctors as there were 2 doctors a level below us and I said yes, but I also told her I took Xanax earlier when all this happened and she said I was welcome to go to the doctors, but getting the medicine would take longer, it would probably be stronger, and it might be better to wait for my Xanax that Lilly had as it’s something I was used to taking and would be quicker. 

What felt for forever and Alice found Lilly and Lilly gave me a hug and the security guard the one I hadn’t talked to was over it and wanted to show us to our seats, so I asked Alice 

‘Can I wait till I take my medicine and it works and then go sit with her?’ so Alice said yes and the guard showed us our three seats and I told Lilly to sit and wait. 

I already felt awful that she missed the whole Reputation Era and didn’t want her to miss anything else. She came back in at one point and said “I want to watch with you come pelase” and I told her that I just needed to be alone and would come out soon because honestly the las tthing on my mind at that point was Taylor Swift since I already missed the whole concert basically and I didn’t want Lilly to miss her favorite song, Long Live that she had been talking about all week. I could see all the people in front of me and the two rows yelling the lyrics to each other and dancing with their kids. Megan left and I signed off that I didn’t want to see a doctor. 

I took my medicine and was still a mess but a bit calmer. I sat there and wondered - why did this happen to me? Growing up Orthodox Muslim, I have never shown my legs outside of my household, and that was the first day my outfit consisted of shorts with a black see through cover up and I wondered if God was punishing me. So I asked Lilly for her yoga pants and went to the bathroom and changed out of that goddamn dress and into the yoga pants, my jacket, and my boots. A woman in the bathroom asked me if I was okay and I said “Yeah, I’m fine thank you”. Another woman or maybe it was the same one saw how sad I was probably and asked if I wanted apple juice and I said no thank you. 

After a while, the security guard who I didn’t really talk to came up to me and basically shamed me, saying “I wish you would go sit with your friend because people who aren’t supposed to be there keep trying to sit with her” even though I was still trying to calm down. By the time I was semi calm and not crying I basically missed the whole show about 2-2.25 hours, it was around 10:15 PM and she was in the 1989 era. I took some videos but I utterly felt bad for Lilly. Style came on and she said “Look! It’s your favorite song!” And I stared back at her blankly. She wanted to do what everybody else was doing, have fun, scream the lyrics to each other and take videos. But my mind was somewhere else. It was almost like I was seeing Taylor Swift perform and recording some parts but I was detached and dissociated like it wasn’t actually happening. I couldn’t focus on her performance, I couldn’t think of anything except the past three hours, the police, the EMS, Alice, the fact that they couldn’t do anything and I just wanted to leave. Even the next day when I looked at the concert footage that I did take, I didn’t remember taking it.

Alice came by and I stepped out again to tell me something I don’t remember but I remember asking her if that man broke Levi’s and she said her supervisor would have to see. I asked her if I could be escorted out and she said they said they wouldn't do that so I asked if I could just wait until the very end for about 20-30 minutes when people cleared and leave. She said yes, I thanked her, and she left. 

The show continued, she played songs that I listened to and loved, and I felt absolutely nothing. I was a statue in a sea of screaming fans. 

And then came leaving. Alice’s not empathetic supervisor did walk us down and when I asked if the man broke any rules, he said they had to check footage and did some weird "you should be thankful" speech of “we called the police we changed your seat etc. we did that because we care. You’ll hear from us once footage is reviewed” and then sent us on our way. I ordered the Lyft for 1:30 AM because I heard the concert ended at 12 AM and getting out was a nightmare and didn’t want to drop 100 dollars on an Uber. Then only did I realize that my phone was at 1% as we went to walk to where the Lyft was. I went to two guards and said “I don’t know what happened (my phone must have been idle while I was talking to the EMS, Police, etc. and ended up draining or something) but my phone is dead, my friend's phone is cracked and barely working and do you have a charger? She said of course and took me inside where we plugged it in. I asked if I could use the bathroom and just as I went up their boss came down and said “What is she doing?!? She can’t go up there no way. We’re trying to close here and nobody is going to the bathrooms. You can go across the street to the porta potties. What is going on? She’s charging her phone? Come over here with me.” I could already tell he was the meanest boss ever as he pulled them away and reprimanded them for letting me charge my phone. He made the lady inside give me my dying phone back and said “Your phone is dying and your phone’s friend doesn’t work? Well you better figure it out because we’re closing.” And then I took my phone and walked away knowing we’d miss our LYFT. 

We tried to walk to where it was but everybody was gone by 1:30 AM and our ride left us by then. A bunch of cars kept driving up to us with creepy men asking “Hey ladies, need a ride?” At one point I asked the driver if he was Christina, our original LYFT Driver. He said “Do I look like Christina?” I said, “I don’t know, maybe” because I was so annoyed. Then he said “Why don’t you get in and find out? Not you, but your friend over there is cute.” Lilly, who also has trauma and is 19 years old. The whole thing was disgusting. I was so tired and one more man came up to us and I literally started acting crazy and he drove off. 

Lilly said we needed to go back to Levi’s so we did, and I saw some workers told them about the charger situation and one of their workers said “Hold on, let me go get mine”. He was sweet, he told us how he wasn’t a Taylor Swift fan and Lilly talked to him. He asked us, being 2 AM, “Didn’t the concert end at 11 PM” and we both sighed in sadness. He let us charge our phone for a while while Lilly told him about the creepy men and he mentioned he lived in downtown asking where I lived. I said same and he said “I’d offer to give you guys a ride but I don’t want to seem creepy” and we both laughed. He let us sit in his construction thing that was meant to hold down the barriers taken down from the stadium and drove us to the proper pickup spot once my phone was charged. We thanked him, ordered the Lyft and got home. 

And the next day was awful. I medicated the whole day to avoid remembering the previous day. Lilly couldn’t stop talking about Taylor Swift or playing the concert videos and talking about how she wished we could go back and all I could think was “I wish Taylor Swift knew this happened to me at her concert, and I don’t want to hear these videos, or hear about her concert anymore because all I am reminded is of one of the worst nights in my life.” 

I sat there wondering why it happened to me. Was it because I wore shorts? Why did this keep happening? What was I doing wrong? I saw images of old Muslim friends also at her concerts in great seats all excited and wondered - for those Muslims who are so religious and all they do on Friday sermons is criticize ‘fornication’ and women who don’t dress ‘fully clothed’ and shame and damn singers like me to spend our lives in hell for wearing ‘haram’ outfits and everybody who saw us perform - we would be responsible for making them sin -> why did they get to have an amazing night and I didn’t? I was so angry that sexual assault only counted legally for the butt and breast area and then any other part of a woman’s body was up for grabs by anybody legally. I thought of all the people going to ask me how the tour was and how I’d have to make up some bullshit response about how I didn’t actually miss 2 hours of it and how I wasn’t assaulted and how the police and emergency medical services never happened. I’d have to say it was really nice, make up some lie about which era and song I liked the best even though I missed the whole thing. I didn’t want to hear about the tour anymore I didn’t want to see it all over the news and I didn’t want to hear Lilly mention it. All I could do was cry in bed on Monday about how guilty I felt because I caused Lilly to miss a whole era and  to not be able to be fully present the whole show, and how I missed all my favorite songs and how the one night supposed to be fun had ended up traumatizing me forever at a concert with a woman who is a fierce feminist and stands for none of what I went through and how she’ll never know what happened to me while she was 100 feet away singing and dancing her heart out.