💖🌙

For my life and everything and everyone in it. I know if there’s anyone not meant to be here that the lord will let it be known and or remove them!

I know my feelings are valid.

How do you ask someone to be your girlfriend and then go back on it...continue to talk to them and have sex with them and then just leave them on the side until something better comes along. He completely broke my heart. I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t quite understand it. Im coming to terms with it finally and he did though. He officially has a girlfriend now and they have an open relationship but he spends all of his time mostly with her so there’s not much time for anyone else besides her and His daughter. I’m more sick over the fact that i lost my temper yesterday and I told him to F off. I know most wouldn’t consider that losing your temper but it is for me because I haven’t been swearing lately and I’ve never said anything like that to him. In fact we talk constantly. All day long. Every day. He’s my best friend. I’m more so mad that he totally played me and blind sided me and wasn’t honest like I was.

I literally feel so sick to my stomach right now. I just want to get over him so this can be over. This hurts so much.

I will find it in my heart to forgive him. He doesn’t know exactly how I feel about it all but he does know me better than I think so I’m sure he has an idea honestly that I’m not exactly thrilled about it. Anyways. Sometimes we just have to forgive the person who hurt us with no apology because they aren’t capable of understanding it all or care enough to.

I ordered Chinese food last night and the fortune said, “Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.”

Men get super bent out of shape when you start treating them the way they treat you. Why do they want you the moment you’re unavailable to them.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Pulling myself out of this will not be easy BUT at least I’m learning. I’m learning what I want in a man. What I don’t want. What I can and cannot handle. Respecting myself. Respecting god and what I know he doesn’t want for me. I’m learning lots. That’s the important thing here.

Writing this down makes me feel even better. It’s so easy to run back to what we know. I’m opening this new chapter of my life. Self love. Loving myself in ways i didn’t even realize I haven’t.

I heard recently that you can actually be addicted to stress. If it’s all you know, stress can be a normal feeling. Not a feeling of comfort but farmiliar I guess. Idk. I think I’m honestly addicted to stress and being stressed. I put myself in these horrible situations. Why would anyone do this to themselves. I don’t intentionally do it but I have a habit of learning things the hard way.

Ugh. I seriously have feelings for R. Idk if he feels the same way and I have to hold myself back a lot. I know he has feelings for me but idk if he feels the way I do. I love him. There. I freakin said it. I do. I can’t help it. I can’t fight it. I can’t love him. I can’t. Part of me just wants to come out and say it to him. Part of me wants to chance getting hurt just because I haven’t felt this way for someone in so long, I have to let it out so I understand it and have closure. It’s SO HARD to hold in your feelings. I’m torturing myself. I can’t do this much longer. This is so hard. So hard. I’ve never gone through something like this before. Hey. Leave it to me to get myself in a pickle love triangle. 🥴

How does one tell a guy that has comittment issues that you love them when they’ve asked you to be their girlfriend but know they don’t want marriage or kids? Asking for a friend. 🥴

OOF. I need some type of closure here. I really do. I don’t want him to hurt me but honestly I need to move on from this somehow. I just hate picturing my life without him. He makes my life so much better in a lot of ways BUT I just am getting to a point where I need more from him emotionally. I need more affection. More emotionally. I can’t help but express how I feel in general. That’s who I am as a person but I’m so afraid sometimes because I don’t want to be too much. I don’t want to be hurt or rejected. I guess if I have to even question that then I have my answer.

Ugh. What do I do.

I was not in the greatest place mentally yesterday to begin with. My sweet dad drove me to my appointment but on the way, he had to GO to the bathroom. He’s closer to 70 now than he is to 60 and when he has to go, it’s nothing to take lightly. He ran into a gas station and was gone for a minute. When he came back to the car...All I could smell was complete shit. He made a little mess and it was on his pants by his knees. 😔

I have never been so frustrated yet laughing my butt off all at the same time. I laugh when I get REALLY uncomfortable. I felt bad for laughing but I couldn’t help myself. I was trying not to start gagging from the smell and frustrated because we were almost late for my appointment. I felt so embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to see him like that. I told him to stay in the car. I shouldn’t be embarrassed but I am and I can’t help it. I’m embarrassed because sometimes I feel like he is very careless. Which is true to an extent but I’m coming to realize that he has slowed down so much. It’s completely terrifying. I’m realizing he just can’t do certain things like a normal person. His hands are shot so they cramp up and his body has so many miles on it.

After my appointment I cried so hard when we got in the car. All from frustration with myself, and with him and the situation and the smell. It was awful. The worst part was, we were in MY car. That’s another reason I was so frustrated. It’s very hard right now to do certain things on my own and the entire time all I could think was if my car has anything in it it’s going to be so hard to clean up, blah blah blah. Just thinking of myself and not the big picture.

The big picture is my poor dad is now a crazy old man that I love and adore but that also drives me completely up the freaking wall!

I’m always so caring and helpful for everyone but not as much for him because until this point, I never realized how bad his condition was. Karen said he might have dementia per the doctor. He hardly tells me anything when it comes to his health.

After I got home, I was still feeling so overwhelmed. I needed a shower and I was running out of clean clothes. I was crying because I had no clean laundry. I have so many stairs at my house. I felt so trapped and helpless! However I had therapy and that helped me so much. I absolutely love therapy. It brings me so much peace and reminds me how I feel is valid. I used to hard on myself constantly on thinking my own feelings to myself were not valid just from being so mentally abused as a kid. Feeling like I don’t matter and how I feel doesn’t matter. It’s so sad I ever used to think this way!

My therapist has completely opened my mind and heart to help me love myself more and more everyday. I’m extremely thankful for her. She is one of the sweetest and kindest humans I’ve ever met.

Which brings me to say that my friend Rich is also that. He has been in my life for 4 months. We are just friends. Lately since I’ve had my surgery, he has been there for me more then anyone else has. More than Katie. I haven’t asked her for anything because I know how bad she’s hurting right now and she doesn’t have enough to give to anyone right now mentally. That has made this entire situation even that much more difficult because I’ve been going through this completely alone. Alone every single day pretty much most of the day. My dad helped a lot in the very beginning but he can only do so much. He loves me so much.

Rich has come over every single night for dinner for at least the past week. I made us both chiropractor appointments yesterday. I was over due and he has been saying since I met him how much pain he’s always in with his back so I made our appointments together.

We went back to his house after and we brought my laundry. He did all of my laundry and made sure I was taken care of. The plan was just to stay there last night since he had everything all in one floor, no stairs. He went to see some friends last night but before he left me made sure I was good and had everything I needed. He told me he would sleep on the couch so I could have his bed and I said “no why would you do that.” He said “you haven’t slept in a bed in 2 weeks. Make yourself comfortable.” I told him it was fine and he really didn’t have to do that. I didn’t see the need for it. (Only his bedroom has AC) He left last night to go see some friends but before he left he made sure I was taken care of.

I showered and I went to sleep. I heard him open the door at one point last night and check on me and I heard the door shut. When I got up to pee this morning I saw him on the couch. 1. His bed is so comfy. 2. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing and caring friend like him. This has been so hard for me. It’s so hard for me to ask for help! I hate feeling so helpless. I know everyone has their own lives. People have said if I need anything, to let them know but that’s just not who I am. I won’t ask.

My heart is just full this morning. I woke up feeling like I actually am well rested for the first time in two weeks. I start PT today. Rich is taking me to PT this morning.

We will see how it goes. I’m scared because my foot is still very swollen.

I’m definitely fired up. I’m glad he said that. It lit a fire under me that I was losing. I needed that. I’m going to turn it into something good. God gave me lemons. I’m gonna make some damn lemonade. Spiked lemonade. Bitch.

I hope I feel better soon though. Having a sore ass isn’t helping either. My bike ride with Courtney last night paid off. At least I’m not the only one that has a sore ass lol.

What he said pissed. Me. The. Fuck. off. First I get sad. I cry. Then I get pissed. I usually hate being mad at someone. Mainly because I am literally most of the time a very chill, laid back person. This. This shit right here. I’m not even ‘mad’ anymore. ✋🏼

I’m just letting it fuel me. I love working out when I’m mad. Who needs pre workout. Lmfao