In My Head

Falling in love in your thirties is odd. Because what if it’s lust? What if it ends shattered pieces in a bowl shaking hands and a heart you never thought could feel but now all you feel is solidified belief you’ll actually be alone forever? What if he lies. Cheats. Changes his mind. Never wants you in the first place. What if everything that went wrong happens again. I feel too broken to even know what’s real. Too scared to actually feel. Too skewed to trust any bit of the butterflies. But what if he’s the one? What if it’s the last moments of single nights home alone. The beginning of the real deal. What if these are the feelings we gush about and reminisce on after a proposal in the ocean? What if the man I never thought I’d fall for is the one to swoop me up. The way I deserve. I don’t get to know right now. And trying to be less me or less this less that not too much don’t reply too fast but I LIKE YOU. I don’t love you. I hardly know you. But the fall. Like the drop on a roller coaster but the seatbelt broke the last time and I hardly survived picking up the pieces of me. So now? Am I ready? Could this be real? What does God want me to learn still? I’m choked up waiting for a text. Craving his company. I’ve been here before and I’m scared. Let it happen naturally he says but I’m a Gemini with voices in my head. I ask speak confess and tell. Maybe just kiss me sweet let it be slow pause in the moments just in case. Just in case this is the last getting to know. Because what if.

It’s not sexy to feel undesired. It’s not sexy when you spiral because I bring my troubles forward. It’s not sexy that you’re so scared of money you put your dreams on hold. It’s not sexy to hear your victimize yourself day after day. I’ve heard your trauma over and over but have yet so any solution….. I want to be patient and get through all of this with you. Our connection is beautiful. But I’m scared I labeled it the one too soon. I’m scared you won’t figure it out. I feel too in my masculine. Holding us up with fishing wire wrapped around my fingers…. I know God will show me when enough is enough. Because I’ve endured too much to stay too long. You’re beautiful. You’re kind. You’re wise and deserving of love. But I deserve someone who will show up. Fully. Capable. Balanced. Bringing as much forward as I do. Regulated and intentional. You haven’t taken me on a proper date. Ever. You haven’t initiated anything of the sort. You suffer emotional highjacking so often it hurts our time together. Our limited time together cause you won’t come here. You won’t show up to take care of me here. What’s in Sedona for you. A restaurant job? There’s a million here. Nature? That’s here too. A forest to sleep in cause you’d pick a tent over a lease? That’s fucking here too. I’m feeling close to done and that’s the most icky feeling ever. But life is too short. And being alone almost feels better sometimes. I don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship right now. You don’t ask about my family. You don’t ask about my childhood. You tell me about yours on repeat like it’s a memorized speech. I’m not trying to be insensitive but you are so self obsessed it’s hard for me to feel seen at all. I want to learn about you. But I want to be learned about too. Discovered. Not convenient. Desired. Loved. I’m done with victim men so deep in feminine they can’t be a foundation. Willingness might not be a reason to stay. UGH FUCK THIS