Mars in Gemini ♂♊︎

When I was a kid, my dad would watch concerts and music videos on VHS while he exercised. One of the songs/concert videos that impressed me was “Massachusetts” by the Bee Gees. 

I’m not sure why. I guess I liked the melody, and this strange word or place that I didn’t really understand yet, “Massachusetts.” Somehow the memory of that music video being on TV is mixed in with a memory of my dad making the sort of donuts they had at Chinese buffets and then watching Mrs. Doubtfire. 

I’m not sure if those all actually happened in the same night, but it feels like they did. Warm memories of my dad making a treat he never made again, not for any reason I was aware of. I think we called them poofies. “Will you make poofies again, dad?”

Now, as I try to acclimate myself to a home that is not Massachusetts, I think back to that song. I think back to Massachusetts. I remember Massachusetts. And now I know you, Massachusetts, as a strange word and a beautiful place. 

It’s that time of life: Saturn Return. That is, if you’re considering it to be a three-year-ordeal. I’m not near exact conjunction quite yet. There’s that movie, Lola Versus, where the adorable Greta Gerwig goes through a year in her Saturn Return, and it turns her life upside down. 

People freak out about Saturn return. They freak out about Mercury retrograde. 

But these things happen all the time, to everyone. 

My Saturn return is in the 12 House, which is also known as the house of karma, and the house of self-undoing. A mantra that goes with the 12th house is: I am the Universe. I wonder what this will look like? Will my life turn upside down? If so, 

how? 

Is my life turning upside down as I type? 

If so, 

I try to have momentum, vigor, excitement, tenacity.

He says: no, slow down.

He puts his hand up to stop me and it lands right on my heart.

I look up to him in supreme sadness, not wilting because wilting is quiet, but rather a flower dying from being burned. You see the light in my eyes shining through the tears. 

I slump.