marrill

it just feels sickening sometimes how i feel like i will never know peace from it. 6 years. i'm crying so hard. maybe i need to leave everything behind and start a new identity online and stop remembering the past. i don't know. i don't remember a single year i haven't felt like i wanted to go back all over again and restart and make amends and be with the only person i ever truly loved. i know it isn't right at this point and again i'm being fucking pathetic because who the fuck still cries about shit from years ago

i do, i guess

and believe me when i tried so hard to move on

literally everything in the books that everyone tells you to do. everything

it doesn't work. i'm fucked up

i'm sorry

it makes me feel fucking stupid and pathetic because according to the rest of the world and anyone else id bring it up to im not supposed to still even be talking about this and i should be long past it

im crazy im unhealthy im this and im that

but

u dont just get rid of the hole in your chest

when u loved someone so much and when u wanted it to work more than the entire world could ever fathom but no matter what it just couldn't

u can go to therapy for all the years u want but how are they supposed to teach u how ur heart feels and how there's never going to be another connection ever like that

all u do is try and refill the void left in there and keep going and somehow keep trying again and again with other people

its never really any better its just bittersweet and kinda empty and maybe chaotic and sometimes u remember the bits and pieces of what that real love was but then they backtrack and take it all back and then ur reminded that again, there is no love that happens twice in life

sure u can feel some semblance or reminsence of it again but u never feel the same love twice, and if its real u only feel it once in ur lifetime

how sad is that to live in such a way, to think that you can only love once

so you become even more loving and hope u get that feeling back again in another way

and all of a sudden you just end up loving everyone in new and different ways, but it always bites you in the ass anyway

bc ur always reminded of what should've been, maybe if i tried harder, maybe if i was less unhealthy, maybe if we both were doing better in life, things would be great

so maybe its crazy that this human feeling is supposedly eternal, i could spend my entire life trying to get rid of it but its gonna have to live in me like a secret memory

is there ever really a way to stop loving someone? sometimes it feels all fake like this timeline wasn’t supposed to happen

and no matter what i do there’s a part of me that thinks there;s no one else for me but u, sometimes i feel like yeah i tried enough, maybe not enough, to move on but its a lost cause

i guess im glad i was ever even able to love someone that much at all and it really only comes once and i made mistakes i wish never happened but now all i can do is look fondly on those good times