Not yet diagnosed but I am showing signs of borderline personality disorder. Shit, they already have me on three meds for my mental health. Antidepressants, anti anxiety, and a mood stabilizer.

The mood stabilizer has made my life go by a lot smoother. I can now stay calm through stressful situations without wanting to hit someone. My anger is explosive because I wait until I’m livid before I say anything. I know meds are not for everyone but they have definitely changed my life.

Enough about medicine, back to feelings. Most of the time I’m numb or just content. Suicidal thoughts have been creeping back into my mind lately.

My mind is brutal. I’ve never met anyone quite so mean. I haven’t had any self confidence since I was probably thirteen. When I look in the mirror I hate who I see. I feel good once in a while but it is very rare. I have to fake confidence to get through my days. I don’t want someone asking me what’s wrong. I don’t need pity. I want to feel good about myself, I want to feel pretty.

Suicidal ideation has been a problem for me in the past two weeks. Thinking of plans and if I want a note or not. But I can’t go through with it, I couldn’t do that to my mother. She’s the strongest women I know, and she expects great things from me.

I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for almost a decade and still haven’t found anything that works like self harm. In this ride called life a bump in the road rushes my head with thoughts of causing myself pain.

The worst is when people leave, abandonment is something that fucks with my head so much. I’ve spent my whole life being abandoned, and I’m tired of it. I want someone to stick around for once.

I explain to every guy who tries to talk to me in a relationship way. I have been raped and sexually assaulted in my life so if I’m not ready for sex, I am NOT ready. Recently I avoided my almost second sexual assault.

Went to hang out with a guy to smoke and watch a movie. I sent to assert before I was going that we were not having sex. He says this is fine.

He is currently upset with me because I “made him feel weird” by leaving when he wouldn’t stop groping me or asking if I could feel his dick. I told him no to trying to cuddle with me but he kept trying to pull me towards him. He even tried to pull my face towards him to kiss him. I told him I had to leave because he was giving me flashbacks from my previous sexual assault, and it gave me so much anxiety. He was upset with me for feeling this way.

He says that he acted this way because he is in love with me. That is not the kind of love I want to be surrounded with. And ironically after I left he texted me saying wow you’re never gonna let me between those legs huh? This made me see red. I am not a sex toy.

When you start to lose security of who you are and you see things from a different point of view

Growing up means finally taking off those rose colored glasses and facing your harsh reality. Reality of yourself being the only person you can trust.

Friends and company are nice but loneliness is safer.

People are so unpredictable that even opening up to anyone becomes a sketchy task. Hook up culture is fine uprise because nobody wants attachments these only mean pain.

Broken household has become a normal lifestyle for children. We don’t try to fix things anymore we just replace.

As a young female anywhere in life can be so scary feeling like you always have to look over your shoulder. People try to blame it all on clothing choices but it’s not that at all. We need to stop making women and objects we are the complete opposite. most boys don’t care too much about who you are actually but just about was in between your legs.