Kayla couldn’t lie; London not letting her help hurts her more than anything. If he could just let her be the caring person she was, she wouldn’t have to worry so much about every little thing. He was so independent sometimes she wondered where she fit in his life. I mean sure she has the kids but she needed him. She has always needed him but she doesn’t think he could say the same. That was the root of her jealousy most times, if she walked out on him would he miss her? Would he fight for her to stay or just keep living life like nothing ever happened? There used to be a time when she (halfway) knew the answers, but ever since Emma was born she didn’t know much of anything between them. They don’t sleep in the same bed and haven’t even so much as given each other a hug. That’s two months of no physical contact from the person she needed the most at the time when she needed him the most. Her mom would be quick to put all the blame on London but Kayla knew better. It took two to tango and she sure wasn’t putting her hand out trying to get some kind of something from London. Still, it hurt more than anything that she could see her husband every day and him not even try to console her when something was so obviously bothering her. It could also be her fault because she hadn’t told him yet, but in her world when you see someone you love or care about hurting it doesn’t matter if they lie. You know something is wrong and you don’t stop pestering until you find out the truth. She sighed when she saw London’s face fall in to his hand. O her beautiful, confused husband. She wished she could explain it better but that was the only explanation she had. She didn’t know exactly why but she just wasn’t happy. She couldn’t put it into words otherwise she would yell it from the rooftop, truth was she was just as confused as he was. With both Noah and Aaron she was as happy as she could be. She was doing the matching outfits, the mommy and me classes and the over protectiveness but with Emma she really and honestly didn’t want to do any of it. She wanted to sit in her bed, feed Emma when she needed to be fed and just not deal with anything else that had anything to do with the baby. It was heartless to say and it tore her up inside to even think it but it was the truth. Before she had Emma she wanted another baby but as soon as Emma was born she just didn’t want one anymore. Do what Kayla? And who said anything about ‘by yourself’? I’ve been here for fucking two months and I’m not going anywhere any time soon. Tears slowly began to fall down her face as she heard the exhaustion in London’s voice. See? He couldn’t handle all this, this was why she tried to keep it to herself tried for once to be independent but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t deal with her own problems and had to stress London out once again. Way to go Kay. Of course he would be stressed, he leaves the house goes to physical therapy and doesn’t know who he’s coming home to. Either sad, mad, joyful, or full-fledged depressed Kayla, nobody could see something like that and not get stressed out. It was then that Kayla felt the upmost admiration for her husband. She reached out to touch him when she heard the doorbell. She sighed as she stood letting her arm fall back down to her side and made her way in to the house. By the time she made it to the front door Noah had already paid the man and was on his way to the kitchen. She swooped the pizza out of his hands and smacked the slice he had in his hand. “Get a plate like a normal human please. Three slices and then its shower time. You do have school in the morning. O and if your sister wakes up me and dad are outside.” She smiled sweetly at him as he rolled his eyes. O her dear sweet Noah. So understanding and loving of his psycho mom. She made her way over to her phone and texted her friend asking if Aaron could just stay the night because her and London were talking. With a promise to have a sleep over at their house this weekend her friend said okay and left it at that. Kayla put her phone back on the counter and then made her way back outside. Her face fell once again as she looked at her husband sitting at the table just simply confused. She bit the side of her lip again and made her way back over to the table. “Noah is all squared away and Aaron is staying at Karen’s tonight. We have to have a sleep over for the boys this weekend though.” She shrugged her shoulders as she sat back down and looked over at London. “Back to what you were asking. I don’t feel like I can be a good mom and a good wife to three kids and an injured husband. It’s all so overwhelming. I feel like I have to be there 100% for all of you but there is only one me to do it. It’s like I’m getting stretched so far and I’m scared I won’t snap back. And I understand that you have helped I am not trying to take away from that but in my eyes you are like the kid fairy who quiets the kids down when I am not able to or you beat me to it. I mean I have needed you too and you haven’t been there. Hell you hardly even look at me let alone just let me know you are here for me. I know I’ve been crazy and hard to deal with but it’s like you just gave up. And with that, so did I.” Her voice fell slightly at the end of it. This was anger. She could deal with this. She didn’t want to fight with him but he is supposed to be her husband, the man that knows her inside and out, for better or worse and she felt like he just dropped the ball. Her anger may not make things better but it will definitely help her get out what she needed to get out. She hasn’t been the greatest person in the world but this couldn’t all be on her. She had to pass the bill somewhere otherwise the guilt of her thoughts when it comes to Emma will kill her.

“Noah’s ordering some pizza, so it should be here in a little bit” Kayla nodded her head and sighed as she looked at her husband. Her beautiful hero of a husband. Concern etched all over his face, he would say he didn’t care or some crazy boy thing like that but she could see it. You had to know where to look and how to see past the anger but if you could get passed that it’s there. She knew this and she still couldn’t find the words to tell him what was going on. He was dealing with enough then to deal with this. She’s felt it ever since they came home from the hospital, she was happy about Emma that was going to be her little princess but something was off. Maybe it was London being hurt on top of all of it but she’s just not as happy as she thought she would be. She’s got everything she has ever wanted in her life. A husband who would do anything for her and three beautiful little kids, in the dream house she fell in love with when they first moved to North Carolina. Everything was just so perfect for her. So why the fuck did she feel she had to plaster on a happy face every day? She saw London start shifting legs and she went to his side. “Here let’s sit down.” She walked up next to him as they made their way over to the patio set. Taking a seat she sighed as she tried to figure out how to talk to London. He was her husband, he could either take her or leave her; all craziness with it. She had to tell him something to explain all of this. Why they weren’t as close as they used to be. Why she wasn’t as open as she used to be about everything going on in her head. Hell this is the man who has had to do some very unpleasant things for her in very unpleasant places. If she couldn’t tell him that she just wasn’t happy then who can she tell? She played with her hair a little as her nerves got the best of her. With a deep breath she looked at London and licked her lips. “Truthfully London, Ever since Emma I’m just not happy.” There. There it was. Now all she could do was sit there in front of him and worry. Worry he’s going to pack up the kids and haul ass away from her. Come to his senses about how he deserves better and leave her. Worry about everything under the sun and moon but at least she was open and true. When it comes down to it, she tried her best with her husband on everything she does, so something like this shocks her. Something so imperfect in her perfect life. How do you deal with something like that? You ignore it until it goes away. Until it forms into its own version of perfect but this unhappiness inside of her wasn’t forming. It was becoming worse and worse. Affecting her kids, her marriage, and her sense of self. She did her first step so all she could do was wait and see how it all falls. She waited for a response and before he could even say anything she spoke again. “I don’t know if I can do all this.” She waved her hand around her head. “By myself. I just I don’t know.” She shook her head. Admitting you need help shouldn’t be this hard. For Kayla it was though, she’s always been strong enough to handle everything. Hell she ran her household with London being deployed just fine but this injury. Knowing something can happen to him at any moment changed things for her. She doesn’t have the strength to deal with everything. Having Emma showed that to her, or maybe she was finally more in tuned to the unhappiness she felt in her life since Emma was born. He couldn’t deal her problems, he was already dealing with a lot, she knows it whether he tells her about it or not. It has to be a lot to see somebody die and to kill people on your own. She wishes she could be someone he could talk to about that but over the seven years that he has been enlisted it’s obvious he is not the talking kind. She bit the side of her lip and looked at him. “Say something. Please.”